First Date Sex emabarassments

[pdxman]

So, I went out with this guy the second time last night. He's 55 but and has a totally hot ripped muscular body. He told me he was HIV pos. so the first date when it came around to talk of sex I was kinda apprehensive so we agreed just to make out and fool around a bit. He then sent me some info on HIV pos undetectable(which he is) Last night we went out on a second date and we finally got to business in the bedroom but I could not get hard to save my life. I normally have a little problem in this area anyway but it was worse last night. Im recently single after a 13 year relationship. So I'm thinking the combo of me thinking in my head hes pos, plus me being recently single. plus doing it in my ex partners bed may have had something to do with it.(Lotta head stuff going on) The guys really nice and he said he had a good time. Anyway, and i really want to see him again, but im apprehensive about calling him again if this is how my dating performance is gonna be. Any advice or similar experiences?

 

[deleted556573]

It sounds like you've still got some unfinished business going on in your head in regards to your ex-partner. Unless you are completely done and over that, it may be difficult to be intimate with someone else. I know what it's like, as this has happened to me in the not-too-distant past. Honestly, I've never been in a position of dating/having sex with someone that was HIV+ so I don't know if that really has much to do with your performance issues. However, as stated before, if you're still "getting over" the ex, I can FULLY understand how this would cause some intimacy issues as you've described. Like I said, I've been there.

If there's one piece of advice I can give you, it's this: get rid of your ex-partner's bed. My ex-partner cheated on me, and fucked some random guy in OUR bed. Even though that happened over 2 1/2 years ago and we've been split up every bit as long as that, I kept the bed because I originally bought it, and liked it. However, I finally came to a realization 6 months ago that I was still seething at what went on in OUR bed. Once I got rid of it and got something else that only I have slept in, it was amazing the weight that was lifted off my shoulders. I never really realized how heavily that still weighed upon me until it was gone.

Hope this helps, man. Good luck.

 

[pdxman]

It sounds like you've still got some unfinished business going on in your head in regards to your ex-partner. Unless you are completely done and over that, it may be difficult to be intimate with someone else. I know what it's like, as this has happened to me in the not-too-distant past. Honestly, I've never been in a position of dating/having sex with someone that was HIV+ so I don't know if that really has much to do with your performance issues. However, as stated before, if you're still "getting over" the ex, I can FULLY understand how this would cause some intimacy issues as you've described. Like I said, I've been there.

If there's one piece of advice I can give you, it's this: get rid of your ex-partner's bed. My ex-partner cheated on me, and fucked some random guy in OUR bed. Even though that happened over 2 1/2 years ago and we've been split up every bit as long as that, I kept the bed because I originally bought it, and liked it. However, I finally came to a realization 6 months ago that I was still seething at what went on in OUR bed. Once I got rid of it and got something else that only I have slept in, it was amazing the weight that was lifted off my shoulders. I never really realized how heavily that still weighed upon me until it was gone.

Hope this helps, man. Good luck.

Thanks. I think I'm over the ex, but its only been about 3 months since we split up. Maybe im thinking im over him when in the back of my mind im not. I just had a hard time getting up today. Im thinking this new guy I dated is never gonna call me again even though he said he had a good time and wants to see me again(just saying it to be nice). Maybe I should just hold off on dating awhile. Dont wanna really go back to the vid stores for meaningless gloryhole sex either though.

 

[deleted556573]

Thanks. I think I'm over the ex, but its only been about 3 months since we split up. Maybe im thinking im over him when in the back of my mind im not.

Everybody has different "recovery" times after the end of a relationship. Based on what you originally posted, I tend to think there may still be a bit of lingering trauma going on in the back of your mind over this. You stated so in your original post. Honestly, from my perspective 3 months is a bit quick to be "over" him, especially after a 13 year run. It took me 6 months before I was fully functioning again, and that was after a 1.5 year relationship. Please keep in mind that I don't know you, I don't know the specific circumstances of your breakup, and I'm not saying that this pertains to you. For all I know, your 13 year relationship may have been over LONG before it formally ended (not saying this is the case, mind you). This is based on my own personal experiences, and as stated before, everyone has different recovery times after a breakup.

I just had a hard time getting up today. Im thinking this new guy I dated is never gonna call me again even though he said he had a good time and wants to see me again(just saying it to be nice). Maybe I should just hold off on dating awhile. Dont wanna really go back to the vid stores for meaningless gloryhole sex either though.

It's a struggle for me to get up these days as well, because I'm still putting my life back together (not because of the split up 2 1/2 years ago, a more recent breakup). Yeah, it definitely sucks when someone says they'll call you and never does, but that's the unfortunate reality of dating in today's society. Try not to take it personally, because you may still be a little vulnerable. But hey, if he calls, then all the better! The best thing you can do at this point is focus on YOU and do your best to continue to move forward.

One more thing: if you don't truly KNOW that you're done with the ex on an emotional level and have put that behind you, don't start dating. That's not fair to someone who may end up being a great partner. I've ruined a few potentially great relationships because I wasn't truly over the ex.

I really hope I'm not coming across with a terse tone or berating you, because that is not my intent. I just don't want to see someone who sounds like a good, decent person make some of the same mistakes I've made.

 

[pdxman]

Everybody has different "recovery" times after the end of a relationship. Based on what you originally posted, I tend to think there may still be a bit of lingering trauma going on in the back of your mind over this. You stated so in your original post. Honestly, from my perspective 3 months is a bit quick to be "over" him, especially after a 13 year run. It took me 6 months before I was fully functioning again, and that was after a 1.5 year relationship. Please keep in mind that I don't know you, I don't know the specific circumstances of your breakup, and I'm not saying that this pertains to you. For all I know, your 13 year relationship may have been over LONG before it formally ended (not saying this is the case, mind you). This is based on my own personal experiences, and as stated before, everyone has different recovery times after a breakup.



It's a struggle for me to get up these days as well, because I'm still putting my life back together (not because of the split up 2 1/2 years ago, a more recent breakup). Yeah, it definitely sucks when someone says they'll call you and never does, but that's the unfortunate reality of dating in today's society. Try not to take it personally, because you may still be a little vulnerable. But hey, if he calls, then all the better! The best thing you can do at this point is focus on YOU and do your best to continue to move forward.

One more thing: if you don't truly KNOW that you're done with the ex on an emotional level and have put that behind you, don't start dating. That's not fair to someone who may end up being a great partner. I've ruined a few potentially great relationships because I wasn't truly over the ex.

I really hope I'm not coming across with a terse tone or berating you, because that is not my intent. I just don't want to see someone who sounds like a good, decent person make some of the same mistakes I've made.

Yeah it was technically over long before the 13 years. It was more of a companionship thing going on. Oh and the guy just texted me. Okay NOW im getting hard...lol. Thanks for all your advice.

 

[deleted556573]

You're welcome, man. Good luck. Hope it all works out for ya. :wink: