Yep - not easy - and we have all been through that mix of guilt. The guilt is mostly about “cheating“ on the woman you love. I dont feel guilt about the MM sex. That just seems to be a natural part of my “repertoire”. Perhaps I’m just greedy, or horny …. It seems to have always been a fairly set range of sexual interest - that I have not always acted on - and comes and goes through my life - but it is a fairly fixed interest in male and female bodies and the sex you can have. But for the most part I have been faithful to my wife and we have brought up wonderful children together and made a home against a number of pretty major financial setbacks….
However, I am not really interested in coming out as Bi because society is not bi-friendly. Many gay men just say we are “in denial” or transitioning to gay - ”try before you bi”. like “bi” is not a “thing”. On the other hand, many, perhaps most women dont want a man who has sex with other men. So we are sort of stuck in the middle. But its actually not that uncommon and the older I get, the more I believe many blokes are in the same boat and I keep discovering men my age (mid 50s) who dont mind a bit of dick.
I differentiate between what is often a “dick fetish” which many Str8 men have - we love cock and locker room nudity and brotherhood of bro stuff. We love the troupe-bonding of other men and find we prefer to discover similar interests and likings in other men and male bodies. You see this at the gym a lot.
The other is a romantic involvement with men. i am sure that happens - and a bromance is a beautiful thing if you have a brother like that to be friends with - but for many of us, its not about romance - its about a physical release and nobody knows how to hold/suck a dick like a dude.
Try looking at London-based masseur and sexologist Seb Cox’s excellent blog
The HaPenis Project HaPenis Project
A penis Project. It’s a treasure trove of great stories and many from Bi-men. I found it a great resource for help - also check up my contributions under my non de plume
BoB. You can wander for hours through Seb’s compendium of male sexuality and sexual experiences. His choice of pics is superb too. His theme is be the best sexual being you can be.
My own 27 year marriage has hit a dry a dry spell. I love her and mis her terribly when we are apart - but when we are together we just piss each other off. We used to have good sex - but it was always off and on and her involvement with kids and work and things meant she was too tired. She never prioritised sex and thought it an optional extra rather than a necessity. Her strict religious mother didn’t help either. We are religious too - but her hard-line brethren “cult” bred out all joy in life And passed that on to my wife unfortunately. Now she has turned right off it and in a sense i too like the cuddles - but I just think there has to be more than just being room mates with children. Hoping to patch things up with her - but i recognise that my dalliances with men are (1) an escape for sexual fulfilment, (2) a way to pretend to myself i am not unfaithful - as I would be if i cheated on her with another woman - and (3) probably worst of all - will be eventually found out…
the irony is that i steel myself against being unfaithful with women - when another woman flirts with me I tine it down and move on - like the good husband I am - been fighting that temptation for years. But with men - I now find myself actively seeking our gyms with gang showers and making eye contact etc. I enjoy flirting with men and have found it a motivation to stay fit.
However, I do set limits and I try to limit MM sex to HJ and receiving massages. I am not into BJs - tried a few and not really turned on - usually just like frot and handy shandies. But recently I have had a wank buddy and he has taught me a few things that make my arse happy - so I might be tempted to go the whole hog like you and fuck or be fucked - but he is someone I trust a lot and know pretty well. But I want to keep safe. I dont do randoms for that reason. The fastest way to end my marriage would be to bring home an STD.
i used to go to parks and cruise and learned how easy it was to get a connection and how many men my age were doing it. I learned that it is much more common than you think.
I now find I can do what I’m comfortable with and most men are really very respectful of that. And i am honest with them about my limits. I have found gay and bi men really very understanding. (In the most part). the ones who are not - dont bother with them.
My guilt about my wife - was to some extent made better by her total disinterest in sex. I felt betrayed by her. She just shut up shop one day with no discussion. Can’t raise the topic of sex without a fight. Does she know something about me? Or has she just continued in her fairly week interest in sex since we were married and we are now at an age when she literally doesn’t give a fuck…
that makes me feel a bit justified. I wouldn’t have gone looking if i was sexually fulfilled at home.
I feel for you - it is a real struggle - perhaps try to figure out what sort of Bi interest you have and then set about making sensible rules. If you can have that conversation with your wife - great - but i have not been able to do that. Most of all - recognise that what happened is not unusual. try to act within the integrity you have and dont beat yourself up. Move on and dont do it again and forget the guilt - or manage it and make rules that help and talk to people. Your counsellor sounds sensible.
Cheers and best wishes. Ill follow you to hear of ant updates.
