First time story I need some answers!

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by closetbi, Jan 18, 2010.

  1. closetbi

    closetbi New Member

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    This is going to be absolutely heart wrenching. I have no one close enough to me that will understand, so who ever is reading this is my lifeline. This is also really long, so you can just skim through if you want. The whole story should be a pretty good read, though, and I'd very much appreciate the advice of anyone willing to read it.

    I'll start with my ex-ex-girlfriend. Cute little girl with a host of anxiety and depression problems. Just the kind of thing I can solve and make myself feel complete. She had a gay friend, who was probably my friend first. When I found out he was gay, I made a mental note that he was attractive, and it was a shame, but not really. Kept that on the back burner for a while. So I date this girl for about a year or so, and as time goes on I'm more and more interested in putting it in her butt. Eventually I cut her off because she's just too needy. Time goes on and although I am quite gifted with women, I realize I'm tired of picking them up, and doing all the shit that goes along with getting one. If she falls into my hands, and she's right for me, then I will take her. If not, I do not fear loneliness.

    There's this girl at my job at this point, who is very attractive, but for some reason I'm just not digging her. I'm digging this other girl for real, but she's married and that went nowhere. My friends have been telling me for a while to get with this girl for a while, and I've just been like, "yeah I'll do it eventually. She's not going anywhere and she's kind of boring anyway." I spend a while helping my friend get with girls, giving him advice etc. and smoking a lot of pot. My passive method of kicking it to this girl at work is beginning to work to well, and quite frankly I'm in a bit of a panic. Being the smooth guy I am, she was none the wiser. I know the last three people she's been with ended up being gay or bisexual. This has nothing to with me, though. I'm going to show her how a real man takes care of business. We end up hanging out one night, and talk a lot, for like 6 hours and we're totally on the same page. I didn't think we'd be so similar.

    I tell my friend about our 6 hour chat and he tells me to "do work". That's our expression for making moves on a female. All I needed was the instruction, and the next day we were on a date. The day after we kissed, and a few days after that she was my girlfriend. Easy peasy. LAME. I'm the kind of guy who never has a girl who's just a friend. Even if we are just friends, I feel like there's an underlying theme of a potential hookup/relationship/whatever. I'm attractive and charming, I'm told, so I have this complex that I think every girl is trying to either hit on me, or pretending to be too cool to hit on me (self-centered I know, it makes this really fhcking hard).

    The relationship was pretty much a disaster. I was an ass to her, and apologized, which I never do. We break up...and a few days later I'm headed out to a club with a few friends. One of these friends is the gay kid from the beginning of my story, and before we pick him up, I joke, "Imagine if I hook up with ____! hahahah!" At this point I believed I would be ok with hooking up with a guy. I wasn't very open about it to anyone but myself, but I knew I had it in me.
    So we're at the club pretty drunk, our friends or on some other level and I just see _____ sitting there looking so cute and I grab his chin and kiss him. Really kiss him. I got kicked out about half an hour later and he came with me so I wouldn't be alone. We wander around NYC for a while, and I was apparently being a ruckus everywhere, being an ass to people, beyond belligerent, but managed to stay very polite and respectable with ____. This is funny because usually if I'm in asshole drunk mode, everyone's getting a piece of it. Girls and guys. We take a cab eventually as we realized there's no buses or trains running back into jersey. We get to my town and he has no ride of course and I'm not going home this drunk at 4 in the morning so...(I had this in mind for a while by now...probably before I got kicked out)we get a room. I don't know how we got naked but I liked sucking his dick a lot, and I liked him sucking my dick. He wasn't great at it nor did he have a great dick, but he was hot and I bet I could really enjoy it with the right guy.
    My first response the next day was one of laughter, thinking ah whatever I'm straight, hooked up with a guy, shit happens. The friend that I keep mentioning is my best friend for the record, and he's kissed a few guys, but will never admit to any homosexuality, despite his flagrant mannerisms (which I, for the record, do not possess). As I've begun to tell a few people about what's happened I get a variety of responses. One friend ignored/avoided me for a good two weeks. Another friend wanted to hang out all he could. My best friend is slightly weirded out and I can't tell what he can take and what he can't. He's very accepting though, and he's clearly willing to overcome the uncomfortableness.

    The thing is, I have no one I can really confide in. Usually I'm amazing at handling emotional burdens all on my own. it makes me feel like superman that I can do it. I'm starting to get very depressed though. I thought I learned how to deal with anxiety and it's coming back to me, as much as I tell myself it doesn't exist. One kid I told was very cool with it, until I could see a switch in his head flick as he thought I was hitting on him and he got weird. I can write forever, so I'm going to just make bullets of things I wish for someone to address.

    - The kid I hooked up with was a great friend before. Now when we hang out he just tries to hit on me. It makes me feel like a girl who shouldn't have fucked a guy and now our friendship is ruined. I'm sure I can tell him that it was a one night thing and he'll understand, but I also feel like I can't talk to him about coming to terms with my sexuality. He'd be biased and want to persuade me to like him. Would it very rude to tell him not to try to get me to like him, but that we can still get physical every now and then? Or would he love it?

    - I tried not defining my sexuality, and it was as good as a piece of tape on a cracked window. A nice little temporary fix, but not reasonable. I know I can really fall for women, but how do I know those feelings aren't an internal ploy to cover up my gay feelings?

    - Some days gay thoughts disgust me and penis repulses me. I just want to have my nose buried in a vagina those days. Other days I'm disgusted by the roundabout ways you have to court a woman, and feel that by the time I actually have it in the bag, I don't want it anymore. Since I have to pretty much pretend I'm not craving a woman in order to get her, and I'm not big on pretending, I feel like I'd end up not wanting her.

    - I haven't gotten over this girl. I don't know if this is a bad time for me to be involved with her or not.

    -I feel like I can't have a relationship with a man, or create an emotional connection with one. However there's times where a guy (gay or straight) almost makes me blush. Gives me the effect I'd like to have on women. It's different though; for women I feel like I make it happen to them and as it happens to them it happens to me, because only then do they feel safe enough to push my buttons. A guy on the other hand will do it regardless of my will or his own. I'll just appreciate a smile or a cute phrase.

    -What's the difference in courting a man compared to a woman?

    -Is it rude to want to keep a same-sex relationship a secret? I've always thought it's extremely rude to keep a relationship a secret, but is this an exception? And why is it?

    -I wish I could just stop thinking all together for a while. I kind of wish I was locked in a room and could just sleep for days and not have to face this. It is the hardest thing I've ever done. The ground on which I walk has crumbled.

    Generally I'm just pretty sad these past few days and I feel like I need someone to hang out with or something to do the entire day or I just have to face myself and that's no fun. I think about my ex and how I could have made our relationship a lot better. I think about that kid and how I ruined our friendship and his idea of what we could have been. The worst thing is that I really want to get some. I feel desperate as I haven't had sex in a while and I think if someone else told me this story they'd say I'm just pretending to like guys because I'm so desperate. I am desperate, but that's not why I like men, I think. I liked sucking.

    Fuck my life? Was it this hard for all of you?
     
  2. psycko

    psycko New Member

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    You seem like you naturally prefer women but you are unable to attain the meaningful connection with them like you are with men?
     
  3. Stephenmass

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    Seems to me you just have to be honest with yourself first. From what I read above (and I read it all) you seem to be at the very least bi.

    You have to accept yourself first before others will. This is me folks attitude, not arrogant but confident.

    Regarding the friend you were in the hotel with on your "drunken" night, explain to him what you explained to us here. You are still exploring your sexuality and are not sure where you are at this point so you would rather not right now.

    Regarding the girl you want..............you have to figure out if you really want her or want her to negate your "drunk" night. It seems to be a night that you are feeling guilty about and you really should not. I'm not saying be str8, be bi, be gay, be anything as I do not know you. Take time to figure out who you are.

    Is it wrong to want to keep a relationship with a man secret? For some it isn't at all, for others it is. That is strictly your personal decision. That is where I see your very conflicted though. It seems to me that you thoroughly enjoy a man, but the inside of you is fighting that notion big time as in the past you have had an "easy time" of making it with women. You don't want to be bi or gay. Most of us gay members here, or bi for that matter, have already struggled through that period or transition in our lives. Again, figure out who you are and never feel shame for feeling the way you do or enjoying what you do with others.

    I think, long story short is you are questioning your "str8ness"..........it's normal guy!

    We all did during our "coming to terms" time in our lives.

    We got thru it, you will too regardless. It's hard to accept at first that you may be "into" guys too.

    Not sure what else to write here guy except never be ashamed of who you are and what you are feeling.

    The only thing in your whole post that I'd feel not shame but embarrassed about is how you become an asshole when you are drunk. Nothing is worse than being with anybody, male or female, that becomes an obnoxious drunk.
     
    #3 Stephenmass, Jan 19, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2010
  4. closetbi

    closetbi New Member

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    awwwww why am I scared of being gay? The more I embrace it, the more women hit on me, and the less I want them, and it makes me feeling like...a fucking fag. I don't want to think that way about gay. I don't think I could ever tell my mom or dad and I'm sure my brother would rip me to pieces over it. Oh no :( :( :( the crumbling of my world is just beginning
     
  5. Chase1600

    Chase1600 Member

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    If you’d enjoy having a dude to get physical with every now and then and this one works, why not tell him you’d like to give it a try just that way? I don’t think it’s rude at all.

    He has known you as being straight. It shouldn’t be that big a reach for him to continue to know you as a straight guy who will play around now and then. If I were him, I’d probably think it’s over the top hot!

    Maybe these feelings really are internal ploys, so what, for if it were true than now’s the time to own it. But somehow, I’m not yet a believer. You seem to have really been into the ladies and now after a one time fun and game night with a guy, you’re thinking you gay.

    Mostly, gay guys experience real crushes on other guys. They might not be doing anything, but they sure think about it. You don’t seem to think much about it, just tried playing around once and got a kick out of it.

    I’ll tell you something. You sound like a guy who’s been getting way too much way too easy and are so used to just getting it that you don’t have a lot of experience wanting what you can’t get. Maybe you’re just a jaded fuck who can get anyone in bed and is doing it and now expanding to a little extra variety. Oh well – there’s worse things – and even if you really don’t want to see yourself that way and decide to be a little more respectful of your sexuality, that doesn’t make you gay – which would be ok if it did.

    Reads like something a straight guy would post. Does sound like you are more comfortable with sexual feelings for guys than most straight guys would admit, maybe than they would feel. So what.

    Anybody can write that book will be rich!

    Au contraire. Where I come from you don’t kiss and tell. You always keep a sexual relationship secret. I thought President Clinton was a real gentleman when he lied and said he had not had sexual relations with that woman. Even if it seems to be obvious and she has a reputation the size of Texas, a gentleman should say she’s never given me the honor – even if she looks like a horse.

    BTW, I checked out your pics. Sorry to hear my fellow fairy gave poor head. Call me at 555-5555 – I’ll show you how it’s done.
     
    #5 Chase1600, Jan 19, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2010
  6. Stephenmass

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  7. closetbi

    closetbi New Member

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    Thanks a bunch, both of you. You're helping clear this up a lot.

    @chase - I've had at least three real crushes on guys =x. The hardest one to handle is right now at work. This kid is "straight" but only hangs out with his ex and her girlfriends, dresses super fly and acts/talks like stereotypical homosexual. He' really uninhibited about it, like he doesn't know why people think he's gay. He's a supervisor of mine.

    Not sure I'm going crazy about it because I just had my first encounter. My sister (who's 15 years ahead of me) told me everyone thought I was going to be gay because of my childhood behavior. People mocked me for being gay in school, and it never made sense to me. I was always different. Less than a year ago (but way before this hookup) I told a few of my friends that it's very likely I'm bisexual. It was very hard to tell them. I was planning on holding off with this experimentation until I turned 21, for obvious, but crude, reasons. Shit happened before I expected, and I feel like this bubble was waiting to burst for quite a while now.

    About me getting too much too easy? Yes, in the past. Once I learned how easy it was to pick up a girl and get what I want from her, I did it a lot, and got bored of it. In the past two years I haven't gotten much besides from a long term girlfriend. Occasionally I'll pull out the moves if I get ahead of myself, but I'm kind of past the stage of taking everything that comes my way. I want to be worthy to anyone I'm with and I usually make them work for it (of course there's exceptions).

    @stephenmass - I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend with that phrase, if I did. I'm just trying to be honest of how I was raised to view gay people, and portray the kind of hatred I'm trying to avoid feeling for myself. I figured I was ok with gay people years ago, but that wasn't really tested until very recently.
     
  8. Stephenmass

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    You didn't offend.....was simply putting out there for you to read your own words and how the stereotypical world "the str8 world generally but not all of course" views us the same way. It IS a hatred and when you said it in your own words it IS a part of the struggle that gay men grow through and still today put up with now and then (usually bigoted rednecks or someone who is 35-50 years old and hasn't grown out of high school mentality). That probably IS how you were raised, not so much to hate gay people, but you heard the comments within your own family the way I did in mine and others for all that matter. I thought maybe you were feeling that hatred exactly as you put it, for yourself and was trying to put out there for you to see how you yourself were viewing it (the same way you were raised "in a roundabout way" to view it). You impose those same views on yourself "a self hatred if you will, for living your own life and perhaps experimenting something that you have thought about a long time". As I said, I would never say you are gay, or bi, or str8, etc. You are what you are and only you know what that is even though it may take time to sort through it all and perhaps, just perhaps all the hatred you yourself may have picked up on without even realizing it.

    I wish you well and as I said, no offense taken here. Takes a lot more than that to offend me, trust me!
     
  9. iain_ware

    iain_ware New Member

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    You have been so real honest here - thanks, I enjoyed reading what you wrote! (I hope you don't think me sad for doing so), I hope I can assist you in a way and totally un-biased.
    I finally came out at 32, although I think I always knew inside but never really wanted to face the fact, I loved being in the company of guys as I really loved the flirting between us when I was younger, a bit like your story, friends getting real close and finally some sexual experiences, I agree with the other writers, tell you friend, you want to still be friends and explain to him that it was a one night thing in a drunken state, and mention what you wrote here! The girlfriends - is this your protective defence, like you liking this girl or not fancying that one and so on, in reality you are not having to make a decision that may change your life! are you scared of being gay? do you fear your family, parents may reject you? and your friends come to that? these are all fears I had and more. In truth you life is your own, how you choose to live it and who you choose to be with is all your choice, you have to do what your heart and head say and not what anyone else suggests, I think reading about you talking to your friends, I did this and why? because I was sounding them out, seeing how they reacted when I told them about my experiences, do you agree? are you checking them out to see their response? also are you thinking about how others will react to you being gay, true or not? now you may also be confusing your feelings and thoughts as you have a curious side to your personality, maybe you are going through a stage of having to deal with the feminine side of your character, I feel that this could be more the truth, another thing in common with me is the blushing, I really used to feel this when a guy who I felt attracted too, straight or gay came face to face with me, I had the jitters inside and I used to think no it is not real and one day a friend said you went really red when talking to so and so and I was like did I? and I sort of brushed it under the carpet of my feelings saying oh I must have been hot or something (well I was inside but didnt know how to deal with it, these feelings) does this happen to you? I also think you are now at the stage in your life when you feel like you have a volcano inside waiting to errupt! true or not? and fear is around you (my world feels like it is crumbling), there could also be alot of truth in what your sister said about you (this was wrong of her by the way) but you know your family usually know and even if you don't admit it they are pretty much on the money, have you thought about discussing your feelings, emotions etc... with her as she did say things, I am thinking is she an alli for you to have a deep conversation with, can she be a confident for you? and on that front do you have friends around who you can chat too, there will always be one and usually it is a girl! if not strangers are good I found alot of comfort in chatting to strangers, using the 'can you help a friend of mine, he thinks and so on' (always use the friend of mine chatlines it works, maybe a collegue at work or an internet friend) finally for the moment, I think i read back there somewhere - you have to be honest with yourself, before you can be honest with anyone else and I mean in real terms, learn to love yourself no matter who you are and others will love you for what you are, and you know you are number one to yourself, discuss more and message me if you wish, good luck and stay positive.
     
  10. Crex

    Crex Active Member

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    Hey man, I actually completely understand. Emotionally, I am solely drawn to girls. I could NEVER imagine an intimate, loving, not-purely sexual relationship with a man. I've been doing stuff with a good friend of mine for years now, and though I care about him deeply, I could never see him as a 'boyfriend.'

    Sexually, I'm mostly attracted to men, but I love the intimacy of being with a woman. The conversations, the closeness, the knowing what one another is thinking. I just don't think I personally can have that with a guy, and although sex is important, it isn't as important to me as these things.

    I broke up with a girl I really loved in August, and I was honest with her about my sexuality concerns. I did not tell her that I'd acted on them, but hopefully was right in my telling her most of the truth. I still very much care about her and I hate seeing her with other guys, but until I figure out my own stuff, I can't string her along for the ride in good conscience.

    Let me know what you figure out, and I'll do the same, but my best advice is not to start any committed relationship with anyone until you get to know yourself a little better. Best of luck, bud!
     
  11. Countryguy63

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    To closetbi, Crex and others.. The emotional aspect is one I struggled with even after the struggle to accept my same sex atrtractions was over. Thought exactly the same as you. The exact reason that I had listed myself here as 60% straight- 40%gay.

    Guess what? The right guy came along and stirred all of the emotions that I had previously thought were only possible with women.

    The MOST important thing I can say to anyone is, don't fight your feelings, go with them. If you can't have emotional feelings for one gender or another, that's ok, just don't block them because you don't want to.

    If you stay open to any posibility, you will be much more comfortable and at ease. Every scenerio has it's dark side, but you can and will get through it if you let yourself. And remember, where there's a dark side, there's also a very warm and bright side :biggrin1:

    Hope this helps
     
  12. helgaleena

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    As somebody who likes both sexes, I must tell you that countryguy is spot on. We are all humans and all capable of emotional bonding. My personal bias is that I am willing to have sex with someone as a deepening ofintimacy and treat sex as holy. "Just sexual" is a strange concept to me. It would never occur to me to have sex with a stranger or with somebody I was not willing to live with if they desired. That has been both sexes. And many times they realize this and run away because they wanted only sex. But it has very little to do with the plumbing the person had. Both males and females can be wanting something more shallow.

    So do not discount that a woman could regard you as a sex object, or that a man could want a deep emotional bond.
     
  13. DeeRock

    DeeRock New Member

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    How are you feeling now that you have had some time since the breakup and all?
     
  14. yng_hung_london

    yng_hung_london Active Member

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    It is a difficult time. From when I started having sex with boys (around 12), till I got to kiss my first boy (17), gay sex repulsed me when not horny. I still had obsessions about boys, but it took a few years for me to realize I did and that it was what my mental process was at the time.

    I'm absolutely gay, embracing it now. The guy I used to have sex with is straight. Social pressure is what defines those labels when you are at that point in your life.

    But because of them, it is a normal and natural thing to feel one wants the women for love and the men for sex, it is conforming to society's needs while still letting your own personality out.

    You need to find what it is you like, enjoy it, see how it goes, and relax. Eventually it'll all sort itself out on its own in your head, and you'll stop being frightened or pressurised in either direction. Whatever that may end up being, you'll just have a great time.

    All will be fine. You obviously enjoyed what you did and were looking for it, accept you did, without thinking about what that may be in terms of "labels". Let yourself go, give yourself time, and more importantly, give yourself credit. Whatever you may end up preferring over time, you'll still be you, and who you are is not defined by what you may be able to explain to others.

    Good luck with everything.
     
  15. reallyhot

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    It's very normal to feel like you're gonna burst while going thru this experience.
    Someone once told me it's a process, and it will take time but you will get through it.

    You're doing the right thing to talk to people about it, that took guts and I commend you
    for it. I'm also quite impressed frankly by your honesty and willingness to put yourself out there. Good for you.

    I'm glad you took the opportunity to confide in us. I feel very pleased with the responses that folks here have given you with sincerity and respect.
    It makes me feel really good to be a part of all this here.

    Glad to hear you're asking questions and doing your best to be honest with yourself as well, It's tough sometimes to get through some life lessons or what ever you want to call it, but I do hope all our responses here have helped you feel you are not alone.
    Be well,
    Cheers,
    RH
     
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