This is going to be absolutely heart wrenching. I have no one close enough to me that will understand, so who ever is reading this is my lifeline. This is also really long, so you can just skim through if you want. The whole story should be a pretty good read, though, and I'd very much appreciate the advice of anyone willing to read it. I'll start with my ex-ex-girlfriend. Cute little girl with a host of anxiety and depression problems. Just the kind of thing I can solve and make myself feel complete. She had a gay friend, who was probably my friend first. When I found out he was gay, I made a mental note that he was attractive, and it was a shame, but not really. Kept that on the back burner for a while. So I date this girl for about a year or so, and as time goes on I'm more and more interested in putting it in her butt. Eventually I cut her off because she's just too needy. Time goes on and although I am quite gifted with women, I realize I'm tired of picking them up, and doing all the shit that goes along with getting one. If she falls into my hands, and she's right for me, then I will take her. If not, I do not fear loneliness. There's this girl at my job at this point, who is very attractive, but for some reason I'm just not digging her. I'm digging this other girl for real, but she's married and that went nowhere. My friends have been telling me for a while to get with this girl for a while, and I've just been like, "yeah I'll do it eventually. She's not going anywhere and she's kind of boring anyway." I spend a while helping my friend get with girls, giving him advice etc. and smoking a lot of pot. My passive method of kicking it to this girl at work is beginning to work to well, and quite frankly I'm in a bit of a panic. Being the smooth guy I am, she was none the wiser. I know the last three people she's been with ended up being gay or bisexual. This has nothing to with me, though. I'm going to show her how a real man takes care of business. We end up hanging out one night, and talk a lot, for like 6 hours and we're totally on the same page. I didn't think we'd be so similar. I tell my friend about our 6 hour chat and he tells me to "do work". That's our expression for making moves on a female. All I needed was the instruction, and the next day we were on a date. The day after we kissed, and a few days after that she was my girlfriend. Easy peasy. LAME. I'm the kind of guy who never has a girl who's just a friend. Even if we are just friends, I feel like there's an underlying theme of a potential hookup/relationship/whatever. I'm attractive and charming, I'm told, so I have this complex that I think every girl is trying to either hit on me, or pretending to be too cool to hit on me (self-centered I know, it makes this really fhcking hard). The relationship was pretty much a disaster. I was an ass to her, and apologized, which I never do. We break up...and a few days later I'm headed out to a club with a few friends. One of these friends is the gay kid from the beginning of my story, and before we pick him up, I joke, "Imagine if I hook up with ____! hahahah!" At this point I believed I would be ok with hooking up with a guy. I wasn't very open about it to anyone but myself, but I knew I had it in me. So we're at the club pretty drunk, our friends or on some other level and I just see _____ sitting there looking so cute and I grab his chin and kiss him. Really kiss him. I got kicked out about half an hour later and he came with me so I wouldn't be alone. We wander around NYC for a while, and I was apparently being a ruckus everywhere, being an ass to people, beyond belligerent, but managed to stay very polite and respectable with ____. This is funny because usually if I'm in asshole drunk mode, everyone's getting a piece of it. Girls and guys. We take a cab eventually as we realized there's no buses or trains running back into jersey. We get to my town and he has no ride of course and I'm not going home this drunk at 4 in the morning so...(I had this in mind for a while by now...probably before I got kicked out)we get a room. I don't know how we got naked but I liked sucking his dick a lot, and I liked him sucking my dick. He wasn't great at it nor did he have a great dick, but he was hot and I bet I could really enjoy it with the right guy. My first response the next day was one of laughter, thinking ah whatever I'm straight, hooked up with a guy, shit happens. The friend that I keep mentioning is my best friend for the record, and he's kissed a few guys, but will never admit to any homosexuality, despite his flagrant mannerisms (which I, for the record, do not possess). As I've begun to tell a few people about what's happened I get a variety of responses. One friend ignored/avoided me for a good two weeks. Another friend wanted to hang out all he could. My best friend is slightly weirded out and I can't tell what he can take and what he can't. He's very accepting though, and he's clearly willing to overcome the uncomfortableness. The thing is, I have no one I can really confide in. Usually I'm amazing at handling emotional burdens all on my own. it makes me feel like superman that I can do it. I'm starting to get very depressed though. I thought I learned how to deal with anxiety and it's coming back to me, as much as I tell myself it doesn't exist. One kid I told was very cool with it, until I could see a switch in his head flick as he thought I was hitting on him and he got weird. I can write forever, so I'm going to just make bullets of things I wish for someone to address. - The kid I hooked up with was a great friend before. Now when we hang out he just tries to hit on me. It makes me feel like a girl who shouldn't have fucked a guy and now our friendship is ruined. I'm sure I can tell him that it was a one night thing and he'll understand, but I also feel like I can't talk to him about coming to terms with my sexuality. He'd be biased and want to persuade me to like him. Would it very rude to tell him not to try to get me to like him, but that we can still get physical every now and then? Or would he love it? - I tried not defining my sexuality, and it was as good as a piece of tape on a cracked window. A nice little temporary fix, but not reasonable. I know I can really fall for women, but how do I know those feelings aren't an internal ploy to cover up my gay feelings? - Some days gay thoughts disgust me and penis repulses me. I just want to have my nose buried in a vagina those days. Other days I'm disgusted by the roundabout ways you have to court a woman, and feel that by the time I actually have it in the bag, I don't want it anymore. Since I have to pretty much pretend I'm not craving a woman in order to get her, and I'm not big on pretending, I feel like I'd end up not wanting her. - I haven't gotten over this girl. I don't know if this is a bad time for me to be involved with her or not. -I feel like I can't have a relationship with a man, or create an emotional connection with one. However there's times where a guy (gay or straight) almost makes me blush. Gives me the effect I'd like to have on women. It's different though; for women I feel like I make it happen to them and as it happens to them it happens to me, because only then do they feel safe enough to push my buttons. A guy on the other hand will do it regardless of my will or his own. I'll just appreciate a smile or a cute phrase. -What's the difference in courting a man compared to a woman? -Is it rude to want to keep a same-sex relationship a secret? I've always thought it's extremely rude to keep a relationship a secret, but is this an exception? And why is it? -I wish I could just stop thinking all together for a while. I kind of wish I was locked in a room and could just sleep for days and not have to face this. It is the hardest thing I've ever done. The ground on which I walk has crumbled. Generally I'm just pretty sad these past few days and I feel like I need someone to hang out with or something to do the entire day or I just have to face myself and that's no fun. I think about my ex and how I could have made our relationship a lot better. I think about that kid and how I ruined our friendship and his idea of what we could have been. The worst thing is that I really want to get some. I feel desperate as I haven't had sex in a while and I think if someone else told me this story they'd say I'm just pretending to like guys because I'm so desperate. I am desperate, but that's not why I like men, I think. I liked sucking. Fuck my life? Was it this hard for all of you?