Congratulations on a very interesting thread.
I guess like some of the men on here, i kinda 'knew' i was different at an early age. However, i hid it and denyied it all my life thinking it was a phase or just something that i would grow out of and i would in time become as 'ordinary' as str8 lads. But it never went though' and instead of finding more similarities with str8 men and their worlds i just found more differences.
Its like everyone else was given an instruction manuel on how to be 'real man', a 'red blooded male' and no one told you they were handing them out.
At 26/7, i confessed to myself men really do sexually excite me more and if that was the case then bingo, im a fag, a poof, a chukney ferret, an up hill gardener, a shirt lifter, all the cold and vile names i was taugh by those around me and closest to me all me life.
Over the last couple of years, i have made peace (sorta) with the fact im probably more gay than str8, (some women still make me hot, lol) and it has been one of the most painful and emotionally difficult things ive had to face in my life so far.
Im still accepting myself and it's not easy, i still find myself in tear some nights, torn between wanting to be close to someone, open, honest, to love, to be loved and feeling like ive let everyone i love down, ashamed, embarssed and disgraced.
I know deep down, str8 men wont ever really accept me as an equal, although i often wonder if a str8 man was to take me under his wing, if he could somehow 'teach' or show me all the str8 instincts other guys have and i dont, that i might actually be a str8 guy.
Then i see a big pair of hairy topped masculine feet and rough, dark stubbly, square jawed, 6'6" brick shit house of a rugby player and i completly melt, wanting to forever be his pup and spring wood that could hammer nails into concrete, lol.
I would like to know as a man what being str8 is about but i think part of me is clearly gay and will forever be, lol.
