Fishy situation-things not adding up

[Ramsey]

Ok, so my current girlfriend tells me all sorts of nice stuff about how I'm the only one her heart beats for and how much she loves me.
But yet for Easter I was talking to her and then she left and didn't respond to my text messages so I thought maybe something happened. Then Monday she gets back to me, says sorry she didn't check her phone. She says she was up north, but didn't say who she went with after I asked her, she just ignored that question. Then Tuesday we had a fun day together but talking last night a lot of things just gave me an uneasy feeling.

At first she was telling me how confused she was by me spending "so" much time with my friend Terry. She seems to be worried that I'm secretly gay and doing stuff with him, now he is 48 and I'm 30 but we relate well and can talk well and we've been friends for a long time. Does this generation gap sound fishy to you? Everyone who knows we are friends doesn't have a problem, but she does. So then last night she confesses, "well, I suppose I should tell you this now but for Easter I went up north with Brian" (Brian is a co-worker of hers and they've known each other awhile) and then she tells me that the cruise she is going on in June, she's taking Brian along. Now I did tell her that I have no money to go on a cruise though it would be fun.

Does this sound fishy? It seems clearly "yes" to me but how does it sound to the rest of you? She's worried about me spending time with my best friend, then expects me to NOT worry when she spends time with (and goes on a cruise with) someone of the OPPOSITE sex and we are both heterosexual. Double standard much? And when I try discussing it with her, she does NOT understand. This guy Brian from what she has told me, also insists on paying for everything when they get together too.

 

[Ramsey]

EDIT. in the 2nd paragraph I mention how much time I get together with my friend, I usually only see him once a week for dinner and a movie.

 

[2322]

Why didn't she mention she was, "going north," with Brian before it happened? If she's your girlfriend, spending overnight trips with a straight man without talking to you about it first shows a lack of consideration; as if she has something to hide.

The cruise thing is ridiculous. She goes on that cruise with him and there's every excuse for them to get together because that's what cruises do. I'd ask her not to go until you can go with her and then consider what to do if she refuses.

30 is the age where your friendships are expanding to older people. There's nothing wrong with that and a lot of good. My younger friends keep me on my toes and feeling useful while my older friends give me their support and wisdom. It's really curious she thinks you're having an affair with him because it tells me she's hoping it's true so she has a reason to dump you OR she's really insecure. My intuition tells me it's a combination of the two and she doesn't know how to tell you.

 

[cocktailweenie]

This reminds me of the Monty Python sketch about the man and woman who go for marriage counceling and the therapist and the wife start making out right in front of the husband.

 

[Ramsey]

This reminds me of the Monty Python sketch about the man and woman who go for marriage counceling and the therapist and the wife start making out right in front of the husband.

Hah! That's funny. Yes, it does seem that way. And while I admit that she is insecure, I try and see the best in people but need to be realistic otherwise I tend to get burned.

 

[B_doc23cm]

Dump her, because it sounds very much like she is planning something with this "Brian".

 

[Ramsey]

She says that he is her best friend. Does that make it even worse?

 

[Hippie Hollow Girl]

Sounds like to me she is attracted to his wallet. Does she want to take him on the cruise because he will pay for both of their tickets?

I think she is trying to distract you to what she is doing by questioning your relationship with your friend.

Her sneaky behavior is a red flag in my opinion.

 

[AlphaMale]

Dude, if you two are truly together in a relationship then she shouldn't be doing anything like that with another guy and not telling you about it before hand (or even wanting to do the cruise thing AND telling you about it). Unless her friend was gay or they had known each other for a very long time or something else... maybe.

Excuse the language, but fuck that bitch. I'd tell her to go take a hike!

 

[haydonsw19]

Hi Ramsey,

I agree with the previous posters - the whole not telling you where she was going until she got back and with who is a big red flag. If they're only good friends why the need for the secrecy?

 

[hung9fl]

I thought everyone would automatically say that her "suspicion" could be a way to distract you from linking her and this Brian guy together and yet noone did.

Bro, honestly, from personal experience, when someone is too paranoid about the other cheating, especially in cases when cheating is unlikely (like your case with your 48 yo buddy!), this someone may be the one who's in fact cheating or thinking about it - so keep an eye out for this Brian guy and I'd never allow her to go on a cruise with him.

 

[Ramsey]

Thanks for all of the input! I appreciate it. As to what kadtxgrl said, I don't think she's after his wallet in this case because it's an already paid for event that she won but because I can't afford that much time away from work because I'm real short on money so I'm being responsible and not going to charge money I don't have because I'm already in debt enough from college and a car.

The red flags do stay in my head but it's been so long since I've had a girlfriend (1: because I'm not into casual relationships and 2: with school and work I haven't had much time) and now that I'm getting older I just want to find someone to stay with, that I've been blinded to some of the psycho behavior.
I guess all this means not to date someone when you are desperate

 

[Incocknito]

Yeah, take your own advice.

Its better to be single and free (from emotional distress, from having to spend time with a partner, from having to spend money on said partner, etc)

Than to be in a realtionship with someone who (obviously) is playing games.

What I am doing now is actively avoiding relationships or at least not jumping into the first one that comes along.

Also, as others have said, I wouldn't let her go on a cruise with another guy and if I did we'd have broke up before the cruise so it would be a 'non-issue'.

There are better girls out there. And its not always about looks. The pretty / plain girls are usually the most loving and loyal!

 

[hung9fl]

Do keep in mind that we could all be wrong and she is in fact suspicious of your friend and you, and her relationship with Brian is nothing besides friendship...

 

[Pendlum]

I think you should talk to Brian before the cruise. Though it can be a dangerous move, it sounds like the pot is going to tip anyways. He's the only part of the triangle you don't know the measurements too, and unlike geometry you can't figure it out by knowing about the other two sides. There is no A^2 + B^2 = C^2.

To me it seems like all signs are pointing to bad, and I'd rather know as much about it when it happens than being in the dark and somehow get knifed because I can't see.

Just a warning, she will probably be extremely pissed that you would talk to him about something like this, at least if he tells her. Of course, how he uses the information you give him will give you a strong hint to what his intentions are. So try not to give him any real ammo maybe. Say only talk about how frustrated you are about the whole gay thing.

Frankly I'd be insulted by that comment, not because she said I was gay, but because she thinks she knows me and my friend better than myself, and that she most likely thinks of it as some sort of justification for something. Example being hanging out with Brain more, going on cruise with him. In my opinion (take note of that, MY opinion, use your brain too when taking all of this in), she said that and thinks that because she wants to alleviate herself of any guilt for something she has already done, or something she plans or thinks will happen.

 

[Hippie Hollow Girl]

OK, so she won the cruise tickets and you explained why you couldn't afford to take time off and go. It is understandable that she would want someone to go on the cruise with her. But why can't she take a female friend or a relative? From what I understand, when you win cruise tickets like that she will be sharing a bed with whoever she takes. Or at least she will be sharing a cabin. (I haven't ever been on a cruise myself.....but I do have friends that go all the time.) There is always a chance that something could happen.

You were the one that said that this guy friend always pays for everything. That is very refreshing in these economic times. That is why I made the comment about her being attracted to his wallet and willingness to pick up the tab.

 

[Fredro]

If you really mattered to her (I mean REALLY MATTERED), she would have never thought about going on a cruise without YOU. She also would have never even considered going on a cruise with another guy and leaving you home by your self. I could perhaps see her going with a female friend but with a man, NEVER!!! If I were you, I'd break it off with her and find someone who really puts YOU first.

As for the you being gay bullshit - She's only trying to lay some guilt on your doorstep because she's feeling pretty fucking guilty herself and she's trying to con you into absorbing some of her guilt.

Personally, and this is only my opinion, I wouldn't trust her (or the friend, Brian) as far as I could throw them.

If she's hellbent on going on this cruise without you and with Brian, no matter how much she knows you disapprove of it, I would tell her this:

"Honey, You go right ahead and go on that cruise. You know my fears about you and Brian. Go on and go. Just remember this - While you are gone I might just be going out and shopping for your replacement. When you get back, you check with me and we'll see if I am still available".

See how she reacts to that.

 

[2322]

Ask yourself this: How many married people go on a cruise with another married person of the same sex? Uh none. Why? Because most spouses would never consider placing their fidelity in doubt with their spouse even if the relationship is completely platonic. They realize the relationship there in is more important.

Going to a movie together or hanging out or enjoying the company of one's wife isn't much of an issue in casual, public contexts, but private vacations together are an entirely different issue.

 

[sexplease]

first: straight guys cannot have girls as "just" friend. given the opportunity, they will screw any of them, including your girlfriend. Girls like to think they can have straight men as friends, but they are wrong. They can have gay men as friends, but that another issue.
Second: your relationship with an older man is normal (perhaps a subconscious mentor)
The girlfriend is easing her conscious by projecting false guilt on you. Tell her to knock it the hell off. Be honest or get out. period.
There are too many books in the library to be stuck with a shitty one.

 

[Jovial]

I think she is shopping around. If it doesn't work out with Brian, then she will find someone else. She is just hoping you get the hint. Some girls think they will upset you and break your heart by breaking up with you.

The fact that she avoided your question and that was that makes it seem like your relationship isn't very intimate. Find someone that loves you as much as you love them, then you'll both want to spend all your time together. This secrecy stuff is a bad sign to me.

I say take the hint and break up or ignore her. There's no need to have a talk or give ultimatums or anything like that.