Food For Though

[hnla394]

Any of you have the scary deep thought that you will like never meet “the one”, and just be alone for the rest of your life? How do you overcome it?

 

[1189318]

You'll find him when you least expect it. That's typically how it goes.

 

[winesthel945]

As someone said: There is no "one." There's lots of .68 and .73 and occasionally an .85, and we round up. The only way to meet someone who will be on the higher end of that scale is to get out there, meet people, hone your skills at detecting what it is you want and cannot accept from a relationship. Only when you're out and about, shopping in the right aisle and know exactly what features you're looking for, and what features you can live with, and which are deal-breakers, then you will you be able to take home something that's right for you.

 

[igotthebigone]

You'll find him when you least expect it. That's typically how it goes.

That is so true

 

[headbang8]

Hey @hnla394,

Though you’ve written a post about being lonely, in a paradoxical way I’m kind of glad to see it. It suggests you’ve separated from the partner who was causing you such grief. A good move.

Here’s another paradoxical suggestion. Don’t look for Mr. Right, consciously and deliberately. Enjoy the pleasures of being alone. From time to time, hook up, and challenge yourself to focus on your own pleasure—I assure you your partner for the night generally won’t mind.

In my experience, the best partnerships are not between people who “complete” each other, who depend on each other to become whole. The best relationships are between two people who are already complete, whole, independent, happy individuals, whose total happiness exceeds the sum of the two parts. It’s not one halfway happy guy plus another halfway happy guy makes a single happy unit. It’s more like 1 + 1 = 3, happiness-wise.

Be happy alone, and I think you’ll find you’ll stand a better chance of finding The One. The right kind of One.

So, with that labored metaphor, I wish you well. DM me if you’d like to chat.

 

[malakos]

Any of you have the scary deep thought that you will like never meet “the one”, and just be alone for the rest of your life? How do you overcome it?

I was in one particular relationship for the first several of my adult years, but I've been single for the better part of a decade now, so this thought does cross my mind. In my case in particular, I think this is exacerbated by my worldview being rather divergent from that of nearly all queer people I've encountered. However, the thought of remaining single doesn't scare me. I'd like to return to having an intimate companion to share my life with. However, I don't think having that is absolutely necessary for being a fulfilled person. So long as I'm occupying my time with something worthwhile, I'm continuing to develop my person, and I have some network of mutually caring family/friends, then life will probably be good.

 

[malakos]

hnla394: It sounds like this is something you are struggling with yourself currently, yes? If so, do you have any sense of why your prospects are so dismal? Is it because none of the options around you seem suitable? If so, is it possible that you've been conditioned to be overly pick, beyond what is reasonable, and this is not serving you well? Or is it that there is something that's not quite squaring in terms of your own personality and ability to settle into a relationship? Or is it some other issue?

 

[hnla394]

Thank you for the thoughtful answers. It’s something that I do struggle with a lot, and I also think it’s something others struggle with too, but admitting it is somehow demonized because it makes us look desperate or lonely. While, in reality , sure, I’m not going to say I’m never lonely; I have wonderful friends and family. It’s this kinda uncertain thought that keeps haunting me because of so many failed relationships one after another. And, it is so much harder for a gay man to find it than a straight person, so, in someways the odds are less. Saying that that is what you want in life is also viewed as “desperate” or “clingy”, and the only way to really find it is to stop looking.

 

[cedarizzo]

You'll find him when you least expect it. That's typically how it goes.

I completely agree! Each time I have met the guy that I thought was "the one", I had been single for a while and started to be comfortable with myself and being single. And he would always appear where and when I least expected it.

 

[Cum_is_Great]

Having never had a relationship in my life and turning 33 this year, I honestly have come to terms of not finding someone.

Yeah, I haven't really looked but I also am not in the right headspace, financial place, or physical place to look for a partner.

In fact, its been so long I am actually used to living solo and don't think I would enjoy my time being split and living space occupied.

 

[deleted5242241]

I'm not religious anymore, but back when I was a young, closeted teenager and forced to go to church, something that I still remember til this day when we talked about relationships was, "You won't find the perfect one until you're the perfect one."

They meant it in a religious, spiritual context, but I still carry that with me til this day in a more objective grounded context. I focus on improving myself - improving my body, my mind, my emotions, my financial situation, overcoming my personal flaws.

I admit, I'm a hopeless romantic. And although I'm a gay man, I'm still traditional in the sense that I want to get married, buy a home, have children - those are musts for me. But I try my best to be the person I want to be with, I would never set up expectations for someone else that I haven't met myself.

 

[LICNYCgay]

As someone said: There is no "one." There's lots of .68 and .73 and occasionally an .85, and we round up. The only way to meet someone who will be on the higher end of that scale is to get out there, meet people, hone your skills at detecting what it is you want and cannot accept from a relationship. Only when you're out and about, shopping in the right aisle and know exactly what features you're looking for, and what features you can live with, and which are deal-breakers, then you will you be able to take home something that's right for you.

“...and we round up.” Never heard it put better.

 

[winesthel945]

I'm not religious anymore, but back when I was a young, closeted teenager and forced to go to church, something that I still remember til this day when we talked about relationships was, "You won't find the perfect one until you're the perfect one."

Or as the great philosopher RuPaul says: If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?

You have to be in good working order before you can credibly put yourself out on the market.

 

[igotthebigone]

Just when I thought I wasn’t going to find my mr right, I did ,so hang in there you’ll find them

 

[deleted1074483]

I'm not religious anymore, but back when I was a young, closeted teenager and forced to go to church, something that I still remember til this day when we talked about relationships was, "You won't find the perfect one until you're the perfect one."

They meant it in a religious, spiritual context, but I still carry that with me til this day in a more objective grounded context. I focus on improving myself - improving my body, my mind, my emotions, my financial situation, overcoming my personal flaws.

I admit, I'm a hopeless romantic. And although I'm a gay man, I'm still traditional in the sense that I want to get married, buy a home, have children - those are musts for me. But I try my best to be the person I want to be with, I would never set up expectations for someone else that I haven't met myself.

so so true, well written and described and i assure you there are many of us gay guys out there looking for exactly what you describe, good luck to you mate, you sound a very grounded decent 'catch' of a guy;-)

 

[deleted1074483]

yes absolutely, and that you can admit it out loud is a good thing, means you're in touch with your emotions and your needs. As others have said it happens when you least expect it, but also when you yourself are in the right place - i know when I've sought that out I must have a big 'loser' sign on my forehead, but if i'm happy with and in myself (or with a partner as now) i get so much more attention even though not looking. I think its to do with the signals you send out?

for me i reached the same stage as you at 47, having been very ill, lost a job, my home and moved away from all i knew. I was single for maybe 5/6 years, but then made up my mind to be a better 'me'. I started slowly just being on various hook up/dating sites and saw a few guys (less than 10 anyway) over the couple of years, then moving to my new home on a new estate I was literally chatted up by the guy i've now been with for coming up for a year. Completely unexpected; i'd never have found him if i was looking and completely different to what/who i was looking for. But its been great.

just hang in their mate, you're still very young, clearly attractive, just sort your head, feelings and how you approach life and it will happen, just be patient. good luck to you