Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Ethyl, Jul 18, 2007.

  1. Ethyl

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    I'd like to hear others' thoughts on giving someone a second chance, whether it's a friendship, partnership, or other type of relationship. Have you ever decided to give someone the benefit of the doubt? Was it worthwhile? Were you able to rebuild trust or did you kick yourself for it later?

    I've had my own issues with trust and am presently working on them, but feedback from others would give me some perspective on this subject. Any input is appreciated. Thanks in advance. :smile:
     
  2. IntoxicatingToxin

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    I've been burned so many times by giving people second chances, I don't even know where to start. I've pretty much given up.
     
  3. crescendo69

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    Alcoholics are always wanting more chances.
     
  4. Ethyl

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    Meg, are there conditions to which a person must agree before you can trust them again? Did they refuse to meet those conditions?
     
  5. nudeyorker

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    Well we all make mistakes ( even me a couple of times) If you value the person in question...yes I always give second chances, because getting one once changed my life.
    I even give 3rd chances...but three strikes and you are out!
     
  6. Ethyl

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    True, as does anyone who has a potentially destructive habit that affects those around them. The question is where do you draw the line and say "no more"?
     
  7. Ethyl

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    Excellent point. I've also been given second chances and made damned sure the other person didn't regret their decision. The person with the second chance is entirely responsible for rebuilding trust and some people have trouble with accepting responsibility for their decisions/actions.
     
  8. Big Dreamer

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    That's a good question, and I think it depends on whether or not you determine the relationship to be worth salvaging. In the past, I was always too quick to cast friends aside and move onto so-called 'greener pastures' for what I see now as petty reasons. It was a sign of immaturity plain and simple, and age has helped me elevate the importance of longterm friends in my life. I've since rebuilt a handful of those friendships, but it took time as people were worried that I would pull a disappearing act again, so they let me back in by increments.

    I guess I just answered your question from the perspective of the person being given the second chance.

    I've never had a falling out with a partner that I felt was worth rebuilding, and looking back, I think I made the right decisions in those cases. My wife and I have never had any bumps in the road, but we're rock solid, so it would take a real epic disaster for either of us to give up on our family.

    The whole internet friendship thing is new to me (LPSG being my maiden voyage) and is definitely a unique experience. You can go years within your hometown looking for compatible friends, and online you can make connections pretty quickly based on the sheer number of people you can encounter in a short period of time. Time will tell if it's possible to build strong bonds in here, but so far it's encouraging (yes, I'm talking to you, Cheryl).
     
  9. nudeyorker

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    You make very valid points, however I forgot to add that open and honest communication is key!

     
  10. IntoxicatingToxin

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    To be completely honest, there are several different situations where a person has ruined their trust with me. My brother, for one. He's been a disappointment my whole life. He doesn't show up for birthdays, doesn't buy presents for anyones birthday or for Christmas. (The only reason this bothers me is because he says he will, but never does. He also says "I'll show up next year" but he never does that either.) He borrows money with promises to pay people back, and he never does. (But if you ever borrow money from him, he'll hound you day in and day out until you pay him back - despite the fact that he probably owes you money anyway.) He's always late to every thing he DOES show up to. He showed up 2 hours late for Christmas once. We had already opened our presents and eaten brunch and some people had already started leaving. He just pisses me off constantly. I've gotten to the point with him where I don't believe a single word he says until it happens. And I never loan him money, not even 75 cents.

    I've had trust issues in all my relationships, as well. Here goes "The saga of Meghan". :tongue: In my first real relationship, I was 16. I was dating this great guy, but he had a drug problem. He did almost everything, I think. Marijuana, opium, peyote, pills, acid, cocaine. When we started dating, I told him how much the drug thing bothered me, because of my family history with drugs. He said he needed to quit anyway because it was bad for him, and he agreed to do so. Find out a few months later he never quit. That killed it for me. I still cared about him, and I WANTED to trust him, but I couldn't. There have been things like that with me in every relationship. I dated a guy once who was on probation for young immature stupid crap (not drugs). He promised he had changed his life around. He didn't want to go back to jail. His dream was to go to school for computers, get married, have kids, the whole 9 yards. He kept violationg probation, missing appointments, not paying his probation officer, and ended up going back to jail. I dated a guy who told me that 10 years previously, he had a small problem with crack. He was so glad to be over it, etc... four months into our relationship, he started doing crack again. End of that. In my last relationship, the guy did several things that hurt me, as far as lying is concerned. When we started dating, I knew he looked at porn a LOT on the internet. I told him that I didn't really like it, and as long as our sex life and our relationship were normal and healthy, I didn't appreciate him looking at it. He agreed to stop looking. (Mind you, I did not give him ultimatums or pressure him into anything... I just told him how I felt, and he agreed to stop looking at it.) I find out a couple months later that he's still looking at it and never stopped. When we met, he told me he was a virgin. Found out a little over a year later that he had sex with two people before we met, and that he lied to me to try to get me into bed - he said he wasn't planning on falling in love. After that, we took a little "Break". We were still seeing each other, and had intended on getting back together, we just needed some time. We promised each other that if either of us were with anyone else, we'd let the other person know. After our 7 month break, we get back together and he tells me that he was with 4 women within the first two weeks of our break, and he just never told me. That sucked. I think it was that right there that killed our relationship. We kept trying afterwards, but I was just so angry at him, that it didn't matter. I had fallen out of love.

    Now... where does this come from? My desire to be with guys who don't respect me? I have no idea. I think it comes from not having my father around while I was growing up, and from watching guys disrespect my mom. I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. How are guys supposed to treat a woman? I mean, don't get my wrong... my boyfriends weren't complete monsters. I mean, the last guy I talked about was actually probably the BEST boyfriend. He was always there for me, he bought me flowers for no reason, we got along really well as friends. We could laugh and wrestle and have tickle wars. He opened doors for me, and always made sure that special occasions were INDEED special. But it wasn't enough. He still treated me like crap WAY too much. *sigh*
     
  11. crescendo69

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    I tend to get treated crappy, too, but keep asking for more. Must be a low self-esteem issue?
     
  12. Mr. Snakey

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    Yes i have been burned many a time. Its up to you if you want to give them a second chance. It has taken me years to see that its ok if i want to end a friendship because someone was bad to me. I wont go to hell. I am at peace with myself. Trust is earned. If this person wants to try regain your trust its up to them. The ball is in their court. So be at peace with yourself.
     
  13. Big Dreamer

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    I think this is worth commenting on, as it's so true. It's hard to live in a house for 18-25 years (growing up) and not have that experience become your own version of what 'normal life' should be. My wife and I are both conglomerations of our respective parents and many of the attitudes we drag into our marriage are a reflection of our upbringing, for better or worse.
     
  14. IntoxicatingToxin

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    The good thing about me, is, that despite any issues I may have, I know exactly why I have them. I've been let down by guys my whole life. My parents divorced when I was three, I had a brother commit suicide when I was 5, my only remaining brother left home when I was 8, my mom had been married 4 times... so yeah, I guess it's just been so normal for guys to just up and leave, then I end up with guys that I know will hurt me just as equally. Not that I like it. I'm trying to change that, trust me. It's hard sometimes.
     
  15. MH07

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    As others have said, you have to determine the value of the relationship to you. Also, ask yourself the question: are you better off WITH the person in your life or WITHOUT them? If your answer is "With", then you'd better consider a second chance, recognizing the potential for being burned. If "without"---well, that pretty much takes care of it, no?
     
  16. YourAvgGuy

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    Hi MB,

    You have brought up a very good point and others have made very valid statements. For me, I think people deserve second chances. I think everyone does. Maybe that is just how I am wired. My investments in individuals are just that, investments. I do not waste my time when I do not think there is something valuable to invest in. If I am interested in developing or cultivating a friendship or relationship with someone then I will make every effort to nuture it to its full potential. Sometimes, however, those benefits do not necessarily yeild the fruit of the labor or input that I would like to see immediately. Thus, it needs that "second chance." And, sometimes it is more productive than what I'd imagined it would be which is great! When those relationships are given those "second chances" though, it is important that you keep your guard up. No one deserves to be a doormat or to have their feeling trampled on. Friendship is a two-way street and is give and take...

    Any relationship is a chance. Depending on how important it is to you and how much you want it will determine its ultimate value to you. If it is one that holds significance to you, then you will nuture it at any cost. If it is one that means less to you then you will reside it to be one of less value and one of less wager - meaning it will not get the attention that others will and more than likely will be one that will not be as productive as those that have been cultivated and fielded through your care...
     
  17. Ethyl

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    There's been discussion about this in earllogjam's "pursuit of happiness" thread. If you're accustomed to accepting poor behaviour and treatment from others, that's what you learn to expect and like any other habit, it's a tough one to break. Once you do, you'll never go back to expecting anything less.

    Problem is if someone wrongs you, shows a willingness to amend their ways, but fails to see things through, how many chances should they get? I'm reminded of the old adage: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result each time". I think this applies to relationships as well.
     
  18. Ethyl

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    Number one on my list of facts about relationships. Any relationship with depth involves risk but I think that's what ultimately gives them great value. Making ourselves vulnerable to others is probably what scares us most but it's impossible to build relationships without revealing ourselves.
     
  19. rawbone8

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    Generosity of spirit is a great character trait, but with it should be limits, and it must be based on accountability, so one does not allow oneself to be treated as a doormat.

    I've been in both positions of being the transgressor and the injured party, and I believe in redemption. It has to be earned with behaviour, not just words.

    There has to be some closure on the past, in the form of real forgiveness, if a couple is to move on and grow. We challenge others to be more, and we challenge ourselves when we are big enough to forgive. We needn't pretend to forget.

    The second time around is a much tougher one to forgive. It's easier to think that it is a substantial basis for ending it. Where is the respect we are due to be accorded? Is a pattern beginning to reveal itself? What motivates the behaviour in question? Each situation needs to be evaluated on its unique details.
     
  20. psidom

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    fool me twice....get outta my life.:rolleyes:
     
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