For The Woman

[originalone]

I have had 3 serious relationships and thought I loved them all but till I got to my last ex who was a part-time model and hospital office worker then one day just watching her make the dinner it was like someone hit me with a baseball bat I had never felt sutch intense feeling for anyone in my life and I thought it was third time lucky coz if how I was raised I have tried to find an honest faithful feminine loving caring woman to make my own family I thought woman wanted an honest guy who did not spend all his time with his pals basically ignoring there partner witch am not the greatest with other people I just like one person I hoped I could open my heart coz I can't protect my heart and were it on my skeave I put my ex on sutch a high pedastol thinking coz she said as I studied woman so in a relationship I find out how to be better in bed that anyone they have with or will be an anxiety I grew up with I think maybe obscure and not the most confident but I don't show that outwardly so my ex who was even though she was stunning looking and nicer than nice before she started txtting and talked to ex s and going out drinking with girls that would sleep with anyone and coz she was so pretty I new the guys would be all over her when we first met she had no confidence broke out crying all the time saying she could not believe she found someone that loved her for her and so much I showed her total honesty affection and could not keep my hands off her she just needed to kiss me or touch me and I got so hard and wanted sex right then we were ingaged going to get married in a few mths but we had a son just before she got postnatal depression then that's when I caught her texting others we then went through a patch we were on and off more like she kicked me out the house to cheat for a MTH or two then take me back and had the courage and confidence she got from how I treated her making her feel like she was what I seen in her she faked she did not have postnatal depression to her family they would not listen to me she cheated with some of the ugliest fat little clowns in town and I ended up going on self destruct and nearly put in a mental hospital because I was destroying myself coz few times I went to our house and some guy was there the 20yr old me would of smashed the window jumped in and totally fking leathered the guy and took the jail sentence with it but I ended up fking my head up so much fighting my own thoughts thinking should I put the window in and fk this guy or do I want 5 yrs min for just a basic hiding if I went like I used to it would of been even more yrs wrestling with that and the thought of someone actually putting his dick in the mother of my son and only person I have ever loved drive me insane thinking I was a pussy for not doing it any way I fked my head up even more everytime I went back I did not want to loose her though I could stop her cheating I did not understand that every time she took me back when we went to bed she would say thank fk you are home a can get a proper fk at last she admitted no one will ever match me in bed and I have a high sex drive so it was not for lack off it a bit if it could of been coz I watched our son came home to a kid she felt funny round and me not being able to take her out to have fun witch she could do with theses other guys coz her mum would babysit were I could not get in the pubs after she said something to me when I touch her leg as I have her a pool cue as if I was a sleaze I lost the head coz we were playing doubles I was playing with her pal against her and some strange guy that was on the table to start with but when she called me that name ci flipped coz the guy and her were being to friendly Infront of me her pal said that is just how she is but he smiled when she called me what she did and am not an ugly guy but do have a knife wound down the sid of my eye and nose in one side but I went to the gym when she was at work coz am not allowed to work anymore coz of a motor bike crash so I spent yrs before and after she met me giving her a big very powerful guy with the best body she has ever seen I even dropped a few stone so I was more Athletic looking for her instead of just enormous but the way I train is different from everyone else so I have a unique shape of my own with a small waist very wide back and massive shoulders and arms the size of most men's legs I accommodated everything she wanted to do I am unpredictable so some times a would be sitting watching Netflix then next min tell her to put clothes in a bag jump in the car pick a direction and see were we end up for the weekend and would do anything thing for her so a guy she new used to have a bad reputation for fighting before I met her I stopped all that stopped drinking coz I could not get in the pubs so a did not want to drink but I would take her to dinner the pictures bowling and anything you could think of she wanted to try even if it was just go a walk in the first I liked shooting and fishing she wanted to come most guys would say no I really enjoyed that she wanted to come sometime a think it was coz a could not work and make a grand a week like I used to that she was money orientated a did not get why sleep with other guy that could not satisfie her even close to how we clicked in bed the only thing I thought of was coz before she met me she had no confidence so sleeping with any guy and having them in the bed for the night made her feel wanted I felt ashamed of myself letting someone cheat on me like that and totally fk my head up and take my son from me and say she could do anything and I would never leave I felt damaged coz the one thing I wanted was her and my son she was like a drug to me addictive I only stopped myself going back near her coz I got jailed for 3 mths for punching a clown sitting on my couch when she was not expecting me and while in there I heard with in 3 mth she was with yet another guy but pregnant to him. just like she got pregnant just before I got the jail and did not no if it was mine or not till she found out how far on she was and it was me she was sleeping with at the time you can imagine how I felt if I could not handle someone touching her never mind getting pregnant my head and me gave lived alone for 8 yrs now a don't train anymore a gave no motivation for it the now or anything else I have detachment dissorder so I self destruct alone I ain't slept in my brand new bed I bought 8yrs ago I can't alone I want to see if I can find some one else who actually want an honest reliable guy that will show them affection every day keep them safe dies not want to argue at all and if any problems cane up we would sort them out as a couple a don't have the confidence I used to and it was never great with woman any way after the knife got my face so I don't no what women think if my looks my body used to make them curious enough to talk to me first then I was fine and could speak back I sit browse dating sites tried one it was all bots or girls no were near me or paid to keep you talking to buy messages am lonely as hell and have never been alone for so long as 46 now normal sized now not as big and fit as I was and coz I don't no were or how to find a girl that wants to be with someone full-time and go with the flow and learn everything about each other and enjoy being with each other as best friends as well as lovers am in a place were I think am going to be alone now for ever and just keep falling apart and not make new memory's with someone that lives me back I can actually tr it at a suppose I he ave wrote this on here coz I have no one no family no one to talk to or share my life with like I thought I had finally found only to be inhumanly destroyed in everyway possible and a don't no what to do am stuck in a dead end town can to the pub to meet someone new plus I never take the chance to talk to woman a like anyway no confidence and my ex spread rummers about me and a live in a small town and don't come from here am stuck here can't work to rent somewhere in another town if a could handle a town or city life on my own like this a feel like moving to a small village in the Highlands were no one knows me just with a pub Dr s chemist and few shops but even if I managed to get one from the council the stress of thinking about would I cope away from here when a don't have anything here really now and how would I organise everything and decorate and get new furniture and just everything I now tent to look at the things that could go wrong when I was never like that I was a happy fit living guy now it's like am totally opposite and a no the only way I would get back to even being half like I was before is if I had someone in my life to love and care for and feel it back am totally different when I feel wanted coz a grew up with no attention paid to me no love showen affection nothing but getting terrified out my head every day now a think if everyone was put one earth for a reason why am a here just to be damaged and feel pain a have prob said to much and you woman or any guys will think it's crap or am a sap witch us far from the truth coz a no 90% of the men out there could not cope with the life I grew up with and indured coz I have only wrote one thing her about relationships and how do I get out this hell coz in 8 yrs I can figure this one out

 

[stustu]

please separate this into paragraphs. it is very difficult to read. Thanks,

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Holy wall of text. I thought about copying it and editing it for reading clarity (a former profession of mine), and I got lost.
Please state your question clearly and simply.

 

[Triasco]

I have had 3 serious relationships and thought I loved them all but till I got to my last ex who was a part-time model and hospital office worker then one day just watching her make the dinner it was like someone hit me with a baseball bat I had never felt sutch intense feeling for anyone in my life and I thought it was third time lucky coz if how I was raised I have tried to find an honest faithful feminine loving caring woman to make my own family I thought woman wanted an honest guy who did not spend all his time with his pals basically ignoring there partner witch am not the greatest with other people I just like one person I hoped I could open my heart coz I can't protect my heart and were it on my skeave I put my ex on sutch a high pedastol thinking coz she said as I studied woman so in a relationship I find out how to be better in bed that anyone they have with or will be an anxiety I grew up with I think maybe obscure and not the most confident but I don't show that outwardly so my ex who was even though she was stunning looking and nicer than nice before she started txtting and talked to ex s and going out drinking with girls that would sleep with anyone and coz she was so pretty I new the guys would be all over her when we first met she had no confidence broke out crying all the time saying she could not believe she found someone that loved her for her and so much I showed her total honesty affection and could not keep my hands off her she just needed to kiss me or touch me and I got so hard and wanted sex right then we were ingaged going to get married in a few mths but we had a son just before she got postnatal depression then that's when I caught her texting others we then went through a patch we were on and off more like she kicked me out the house to cheat for a MTH or two then take me back and had the courage and confidence she got from how I treated her making her feel like she was what I seen in her she faked she did not have postnatal depression to her family they would not listen to me she cheated with some of the ugliest fat little clowns in town and I ended up going on self destruct and nearly put in a mental hospital because I was destroying myself coz few times I went to our house and some guy was there the 20yr old me would of smashed the window jumped in and totally fking leathered the guy and took the jail sentence with it but I ended up fking my head up so much fighting my own thoughts thinking should I put the window in and fk this guy or do I want 5 yrs min for just a basic hiding if I went like I used to it would of been even more yrs wrestling with that and the thought of someone actually putting his dick in the mother of my son and only person I have ever loved drive me insane thinking I was a pussy for not doing it any way I fked my head up even more everytime I went back I did not want to loose her though I could stop her cheating I did not understand that every time she took me back when we went to bed she would say thank fk you are home a can get a proper fk at last she admitted no one will ever match me in bed and I have a high sex drive so it was not for lack off it a bit if it could of been coz I watched our son came home to a kid she felt funny round and me not being able to take her out to have fun witch she could do with theses other guys coz her mum would babysit were I could not get in the pubs after she said something to me when I touch her leg as I have her a pool cue as if I was a sleaze I lost the head coz we were playing doubles I was playing with her pal against her and some strange guy that was on the table to start with but when she called me that name ci flipped coz the guy and her were being to friendly Infront of me her pal said that is just how she is but he smiled when she called me what she did and am not an ugly guy but do have a knife wound down the sid of my eye and nose in one side but I went to the gym when she was at work coz am not allowed to work anymore coz of a motor bike crash so I spent yrs before and after she met me giving her a big very powerful guy with the best body she has ever seen I even dropped a few stone so I was more Athletic looking for her instead of just enormous but the way I train is different from everyone else so I have a unique shape of my own with a small waist very wide back and massive shoulders and arms the size of most men's legs I accommodated everything she wanted to do I am unpredictable so some times a would be sitting watching Netflix then next min tell her to put clothes in a bag jump in the car pick a direction and see were we end up for the weekend and would do anything thing for her so a guy she new used to have a bad reputation for fighting before I met her I stopped all that stopped drinking coz I could not get in the pubs so a did not want to drink but I would take her to dinner the pictures bowling and anything you could think of she wanted to try even if it was just go a walk in the first I liked shooting and fishing she wanted to come most guys would say no I really enjoyed that she wanted to come sometime a think it was coz a could not work and make a grand a week like I used to that she was money orientated a did not get why sleep with other guy that could not satisfie her even close to how we clicked in bed the only thing I thought of was coz before she met me she had no confidence so sleeping with any guy and having them in the bed for the night made her feel wanted I felt ashamed of myself letting someone cheat on me like that and totally fk my head up and take my son from me and say she could do anything and I would never leave I felt damaged coz the one thing I wanted was her and my son she was like a drug to me addictive I only stopped myself going back near her coz I got jailed for 3 mths for punching a clown sitting on my couch when she was not expecting me and while in there I heard with in 3 mth she was with yet another guy but pregnant to him. just like she got pregnant just before I got the jail and did not no if it was mine or not till she found out how far on she was and it was me she was sleeping with at the time you can imagine how I felt if I could not handle someone touching her never mind getting pregnant my head and me gave lived alone for 8 yrs now a don't train anymore a gave no motivation for it the now or anything else I have detachment dissorder so I self destruct alone I ain't slept in my brand new bed I bought 8yrs ago I can't alone I want to see if I can find some one else who actually want an honest reliable guy that will show them affection every day keep them safe dies not want to argue at all and if any problems cane up we would sort them out as a couple a don't have the confidence I used to and it was never great with woman any way after the knife got my face so I don't no what women think if my looks my body used to make them curious enough to talk to me first then I was fine and could speak back I sit browse dating sites tried one it was all bots or girls no were near me or paid to keep you talking to buy messages am lonely as hell and have never been alone for so long as 46 now normal sized now not as big and fit as I was and coz I don't no were or how to find a girl that wants to be with someone full-time and go with the flow and learn everything about each other and enjoy being with each other as best friends as well as lovers am in a place were I think am going to be alone now for ever and just keep falling apart and not make new memory's with someone that lives me back I can actually tr it at a suppose I he ave wrote this on here coz I have no one no family no one to talk to or share my life with like I thought I had finally found only to be inhumanly destroyed in everyway possible and a don't no what to do am stuck in a dead end town can to the pub to meet someone new plus I never take the chance to talk to woman a like anyway no confidence and my ex spread rummers about me and a live in a small town and don't come from here am stuck here can't work to rent somewhere in another town if a could handle a town or city life on my own like this a feel like moving to a small village in the Highlands were no one knows me just with a pub Dr s chemist and few shops but even if I managed to get one from the council the stress of thinking about would I cope away from here when a don't have anything here really now and how would I organise everything and decorate and get new furniture and just everything I now tent to look at the things that could go wrong when I was never like that I was a happy fit living guy now it's like am totally opposite and a no the only way I would get back to even being half like I was before is if I had someone in my life to love and care for and feel it back am totally different when I feel wanted coz a grew up with no attention paid to me no love showen affection nothing but getting terrified out my head every day now a think if everyone was put one earth for a reason why am a here just to be damaged and feel pain a have prob said to much and you woman or any guys will think it's crap or am a sap witch us far from the truth coz a no 90% of the men out there could not cope with the life I grew up with and indured coz I have only wrote one thing her about relationships and how do I get out this hell coz in 8 yrs I can figure this one out

You can't let other people define or be your happiness. We are all imperfect and constantly changing people; in short, everyone is unreliable, often through no fault of their own. Peace starts within, though the funny thing is that no one can tell you what it looks like.

I don't know what you've been through, but—suffice it to say—I've been through some terrible experiences myself and I've only had one "real relationship through it all. I've learned that a relationship can enhance your life and wellbeing, by it cannot fix things. Better to focus on finding your peace and someone who is willing to help you as you help them. May take a very long time to find, but then, all things in due time.

 

[Fredneck1951]

You can't let other people define or be your happiness. We are all imperfect and constantly changing people; in short, everyone is unreliable, often through no fault of their own. Peace starts within, though the funny thing is that no one can tell you what it looks like.

I don't know what you've been through, but—suffice it to say—I've been through some terrible experiences myself and I've only had one "real relationship through it all. I've learned that a relationship can enhance your life and wellbeing, by it cannot fix things. Better to focus on finding your peace and someone who is willing to help you as you help them. May take a very long time to find, but then, all things in due time.

Knowing that you are a signal intelligence professional, I am very impressed how you deciphered that clearly heartfelt, but terribly difficult to read entry. I got a little ways into it, and decided I couldn’t make sense of it.

 

[Motion-of-the-Ocean]

OMG, I am so not reading through that to try to give an answer or advice. Sorry. Paragraphs dude...paragraphs.

 

[Scarletbegonia]

I think we might have a late night drunken/frustrated poster who may never return.
If you ever do, OP, stop worrying about what a woman with whom you are not romantically linked is doing with her body.
she is more than a uterus to give you a kid.

 

[Evenflow618]

Dude post this in fiction section

 

[Hippie Hollow Girl]

I read it and it sounds like you fell for this woman because of her looks. You treated her like a queen and she treated you like pond scum. Always notice, how does this person treat other's? Are they a nice person? Beauty can be only skin deep and it doesn't always last forever. Ugly and selfish behavior can last a life time. Looks can matter with attraction but for me the most important thing would be loyalty, good person sweet and loving personality. Maybe your ex will grow up one day and see the error of how she treated you but I wouldn't hold my breathe. Focus on yourself. Try new hobbies, new things. Focus on what makes you happy. Take Baby Steps. Keep your heart open to meeting someone new. (Get a pet......that could give you something else to focus on.) Try bicycle riding or hiking. (works for me) those activities seem to help with getting your brain refocused and helps with depression. Just seems like people find things (relationships) when they are not "looking" for them. Focus on yourself, and if you need it professional counseling can't hurt. My 2 cents.