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B_penispenispenis37

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Wow. Disaster waiting to happen? Your husband is NOT a "more than satisfying lover" if you are not satisfied! You can't satisfy your husband and seem to have no interest in doing so. Unbelievable. You don't have a marriage. It is a loose friendship based upon your shared low self-esteems. This is evidenced by the fact that you two want each others attention, but do not care at all to try and satisfy each other. So far your best idea to do that is to see other people.

This is not an open relationship, its a band-aid for a soon to be failed marriage.

This is why I think it is important to make sure you are sexually compatible BEFORE you get married.
 

poultrygeist

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Wow. Disaster waiting to happen? Your husband is NOT a "more than satisfying lover" if you are not satisfied! You can't satisfy your husband and seem to have no interest in doing so. Unbelievable. You don't have a marriage. It is a loose friendship based upon your shared low self-esteems. This is evidenced by the fact that you two want each others attention, but do not care at all to try and satisfy each other. So far your best idea to do that is to see other people.

This is not an open relationship, its a band-aid for a soon to be failed marriage.

This is why I think it is important to make sure you are sexually compatible BEFORE you get married.

Wow. Just wow.

This is a lot of suppositions and assumptions based on a limited amount of information. Who asked to be psychoanalyzed here? That said, I didn't gather any of your conclusions from what AE posted. As someone in an open marriage as well, I'd hate to think that this was what someone thought of my marriage. But oh well, to each his own opinion. Fortunately, the reality of relationship happiness is seldom shaped by the opinions or conclusions of others. At least not in most people.
 

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Wow. Disaster waiting to happen? Your husband is NOT a "more than satisfying lover" if you are not satisfied! You can't satisfy your husband and seem to have no interest in doing so. Unbelievable. You don't have a marriage. It is a loose friendship based upon your shared low self-esteems. This is evidenced by the fact that you two want each others attention, but do not care at all to try and satisfy each other. So far your best idea to do that is to see other people.

This is not an open relationship, its a band-aid for a soon to be failed marriage.

This is why I think it is important to make sure you are sexually compatible BEFORE you get married.

Unfortunately most people see it the same way you do, we been brought to believe marriage is all about been faithful and never sleep with anyone else but your spouse, it is true in many respects but if you are not sexually compatible or not sexually satisfied with your spouse the outcome almost certain a broken marriage.

My husband and I are very happy with our relationship as friends, sole mates, lovers, husband and wife and we trust each other more than we can trust anyone else in this world. Our sexual fantasy became reality after years of talking and thinking about bringing a third person to our sex life, nothing else just pure sex. I said that before I was scared the first time we met a guy but as the first night progressed I felt more relaxed and safe knowing my husband was enjoying it as much as I did if not more. After the first encounter we went home and fucked like rabbits for days, we both had the most amazing orgasms and couldn't wait to do it again.

My marriage and home are very safe and solid in all aspects and couldn't ask for more. We did try our FFM 3some last week for the first time although we thoroughly enjoyed, I did feel jealous seeing my husband with another woman but that jealousy started to disappear fast and I can say I am comfortable with it now.

We do everything together, we talk and fantasize about all our encounters and we do enjoy it. This is our private sexual life style and we didn't see any harm in doing it.

We didn't look for it because we weren't satisfied with each other, we did it because we both like it wanted to do it.
 

B_penispenispenis37

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I didn't say all open relationships are like that, did I? And I was not aware that I would need someone's permission in order to share my opinions in a thread discussing the issue.

Why don't you tell me what I am supposing and assuming, because she made everything pretty clear.

She is inherently contradicting, she said he is satisfying but not satisfying. She says she does not WANT to satisfy him. Not my idea of a healthy relationship. Sure, throw some others in there, it will definitely fix the issues :rolleyes:

When did I say a marriage had to be monogamous? When did I say others can't be brought in. YOU guys are assuming and supposing.

Lastly, thanks for pointing this out:


"We didn't look for it because we weren't satisfied with each other, we did it because we both like it wanted to do it."

That is the key difference between you and AE. That is the reason why I made my post. They don't do it because they want to do it together or both agree. They can't satisfy each other and have to find others that are willing to do it.
 

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not being 100% sexually compatible doesn't make a relationship a sham. they have a hole, they think they've found something to fill it. it could work out perfectly.

just because they don't have your idea of a perfect relationship, doesn't make their marriage less valid. they have love, trust and open communication. that's more than a lot of monogamous relationships have.

you sound like a bit of a twat.
 

B_penispenispenis37

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I look foward to AE's reply.

So I take it you can't figure out what I'm assuming or supposing? If what you said about my post was true... why can't you back it up? Do you lack reading comprehension? I'd have to guess so since you seem to think I implied all open relationships are like that when I said nothing even close to that.

This is a forum for sharing our opinions, it would just be nice if you didn't abuse that right by calling people out on things they didn't do or say.
 

B_penispenispenis37

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not being 100% sexually compatible doesn't make a relationship a sham. they have a hole, they think they've found something to fill it. it could work out perfectly.

just because they don't have your idea of a perfect relationship, doesn't make their marriage less valid. they have love, trust and open communication. that's more than a lot of monogamous relationships have.

you sound like a bit of a twat.

You are right, I definitely sound like a twat. Better that than delusional.

However, it sounds like they aren't even 50% sexually compatible, which is the issue I'm trying to point out. She says she hasn't been sexually satisfied FOR YEARS. The fact that they can't find it in themselves to even try and satisfy each other is disturbing. She doesn't want to play with his butt and he wont fuck her enough.

These aren't differences of the type where "I need huge cocks in me to cum" or "I have an insatiable desire to have all my holes stuffed as once" or "I have to munch on bush while fucking bush". Those by definition require other people.

If they went to see a relationship counselor, what do you think he would suggest? Do you think he would say "clearly you guys need to see other people to satisfy your needs" or "find it in your LOVE (which you claim they have) for each other to satisfy your needs"?.

Where do you see trust in their relationship? Her idea of safety is moving hundreds of miles away the instant he starts to really like someone? That is trust?

You crack me up!
 

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So I take it you can't figure out what I'm assuming or supposing? If what you said about my post was true... why can't you back it up? Do you lack reading comprehension? I'd have to guess so since you seem to think I implied all open relationships are like that when I said nothing even close to that.

This is a forum for sharing our opinions, it would just be nice if you didn't abuse that right by calling people out on things they didn't do or say.


I wouldn't call it a lack of reading comprehension as much as a firm understanding that sometimes a shorter post is superior to a longer one. AE is firmly able to defend her position completely. I look forward to it. But I usually post a short response especially if someone who is coming off like an asshole is going to post something presumptive to the effect that this is "a soon to be failed marriage". That's presumptive that you understand the entirity of the relationship based on a limited amount of information. Your response therefore, seemed assholish. Hence the abbreviated response from me based on the understanding that you can't hang around an asshole without some of the stink rubbing off. I was attempting to not hang around, but rather wait patiently for AE's response. But I can be goaded, on occasion to response, even in such cases. There's no abusiveness in anything I said that nor is there abusiveness in saying that you're being presumptive.
 

B_penispenispenis37

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love does not mean good sex.
good sex does not mean love.
life isn't a fairy tale.

And where did I say any of that? You are the one that said they have love. I'm not even sure of that. I'm going off of the little fantasy that you are creating. There are different types of love, for sure. They clearly don't love to get each other off for starters.

You think that this is more likely to work for them than not. If that is the case, why is she even worried about him really liking someone else? Why the plan to move? Why the uncertainty and jealousy? Pultrygeist and fire77 - do you get jealous of your partners when they spend time without you in your open marriages? I'm guessing not, but I'd like your thoughts on the matter.

This isn't an attack on open relationships. No one is saying disney fantasies are the only true marriage. How thick skulled are you that you don't get this? I think open relationships are great. They just aren't for everyone. I also think that a married couple that refuse to satisfy each other aren't going to find greater recourse by seeing other people. I think it will illustrate the fact that they have a large incompatibility in their relationship. Sure it could be gapped by seeing other people, but thats not going to work if they are jealous of each other.
 

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nope, i've no idea if it'll work or not.

nor do you.

your ideas of what good open relationships must be like don't change that.

there are some seriously fucking weird relationships out there that work just fine for the people involved.
 
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B_penispenispenis37

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Yup, I wish them good luck, but that's not going to stop me from sharing the fact that I think it wont work. And that I think they are doing it for the wrong reasons.

I also think we have different definitions of 'working' because if my partner hasn't been satisfied in years, I'd venture to say that our relationship isn't working. To each their own.
 

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Wow. Disaster waiting to happen? Your husband is NOT a "more than satisfying lover" if you are not satisfied! You can't satisfy your husband and seem to have no interest in doing so. Unbelievable. You don't have a marriage. It is a loose friendship based upon your shared low self-esteems. This is evidenced by the fact that you two want each others attention, but do not care at all to try and satisfy each other. So far your best idea to do that is to see other people.

This is not an open relationship, its a band-aid for a soon to be failed marriage.

This is why I think it is important to make sure you are sexually compatible BEFORE you get married.
You have no idea what you're on about. Thank goodness you can't live my life for me.

While my sexual appetite has never been sated by my husband, the actual sex between us has been exhilarating. You're living in a dream world. Sure. I can find men who want as much sex as I do. None of the ones I ever met were good enough to marry, since sex is not my main concern when choosing a partner for managing my household, fiances, and career. It is a lot of pressure for a person to have to be everything to their partner. That's why we have friends. The only difference in my marriage is that sometimes, we will be able to explore some of our friendships sexually. I can have a lover more interested in being rough occasionally, and more hungry for sex, and more enthusiastic about giving oral. He can have one more interested in exploring anal play with him. Sure, outside of frequency we explored these desires with each other, but it will be more fun with partners who are equally interested. Your assumptions about our willingness to accommodate each other are ludicrous.

My husband is the best man I know. I would rather share my home and raise my family with him than with any other man. I love fucking him; and wish I could do it more often, but he doesn't want more sex, and shouldn't have to take one for the team. If we have less sex sometimes when the woman he's interested in comes to town, that's fine. He's a sailor; I'm used to long droughts from him, and I have an outlet for my own needs.

What works for us may not work for everyone, but we communicate well (even if sometimes I am too blunt for his sensitivities) and if it seems not to be going as we expected, we will stop. So far so good. He's reconnected with n old friend who contacted him a few weeks before I suggested this, and I have made a new acquaintance of my own.
 

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And where did I say any of that? You are the one that said they have love. I'm not even sure of that. I'm going off of the little fantasy that you are creating. There are different types of love, for sure. They clearly don't love to get each other off for starters.

You think that this is more likely to work for them than not. If that is the case, why is she even worried about him really liking someone else? Why the plan to move? Why the uncertainty and jealousy? Pultrygeist and fire77 - do you get jealous of your partners when they spend time without you in your open marriages? I'm guessing not, but I'd like your thoughts on the matter.

This isn't an attack on open relationships. No one is saying disney fantasies are the only true marriage. How thick skulled are you that you don't get this? I think open relationships are great. They just aren't for everyone. I also think that a married couple that refuse to satisfy each other aren't going to find greater recourse by seeing other people. I think it will illustrate the fact that they have a large incompatibility in their relationship. Sure it could be gapped by seeing other people, but thats not going to work if they are jealous of each other.
You don't know us. We do love to get each other off. That's why I participate in his anal exploration even though it is purely for him. I like anal play, but not the way he does. It doesn't turn me off, but it's not that exciting for me either. And he loves to get me off enough to go down on me even though he doesn't really want to. Frankly, I don't want him to if he doesn't want to, but I don't stop him if he lies and says he does.

Jealousy is a natural response to fear of loss, handling it in a healthy way is critical. We do love each other, but I have a fear of abandonment. Not that it is any of your concern, but my father left my family when I was a baby. Then, when I was in my late teens, when we were finally spending a lot of time together, he died. My mother got too sick to care for me when I was 9, so I cared for her. She died a year after my father. My aunts both died. My first romantic partner as an adult cheated behind my back for 5 out of our 6 years together, and we broke up not long after we'd just been picking out an engagement ring. The next person I wanted for a boyfriend didn't choose me back, and then stopped being my friend. Abandonment, over and over. It isn't my husband's fault I have this underlying fear. There is nothing he does to add to it, and nothing he can do to take it away. He has promised to stand by me, and I just have to suck it up and take him at his word. He has always proven trustworthy.

Unlike dolfette who has been my acquaintance on these boards and in a private group for as long as she has been here, you are the one who is wholly ignorant of my situation, and making up fantasy. dolfette is well-aware the lengths I have gone to for my husband, and why I would stand by a sexually dysfunctional man (which he used to be) and even go so far as to marry him. She reads and asks questions. She's not a jackass.

Once I married my dude, we started having 12 times more sex than we were when we were co-habitating. A few years and a little therapy later, we are having about 12 times more sex than that. But I realize this is where is levels off. 3-6 times a month is optimal and normal for him. I was able to keep going when there was hope for more frequent sex, but there just isn't that hope anymore. I asked him to date and through dating be sure he satisfies any curiosity he might have about spending time alone with other women, and what it is like to have sex with other women. I asked him to let me find a friend to have a discreet sexual relationship with. He found the idea interesting enough to look into, so we did.

The book we read said to be honest with ourselves, and in defining our boundaries, try to prevent conflict. So, I thought to myself, "What is the worst-case scenario?" The worst case would be if we divorced and never lived together again. So I shared my fear, and we committed to prioritizing each other above all others, and not allowing any outside influence to cause separation. Then I thought, "Jealousy is a pretty common reason for the failure of an open relationship. Would anything trigger jealousy in me?" Being honest with myself, I knew I would feel threatened if he fell in love with someone else. If she lived at least as far away as we did when we first started dating (over 200 miles) it would be difficult for me to worry about her at all.

He isn't worried about me loving another man or a woman. If it happened, he would just want me to continue to stand by him, and dedicate my time to our marriage. How I carry out that relationship if it isn't interfering with ours, is not important to him. We are both agreed that we do not want to add partners to our marriage. We are both disinterested in falling in love with anyone else, but we did not want to be naive: Love is not like a bag of chips. It isn't as if we give our love to each other, and the "bag" gets emptier, or there are fewer "chips" left for each other if we share some with others. It is entirely possible to be in love with more than one person. I know this first-hand. What wouldn't work out well, is if we pretended that wasn't a possibility, simply because we don't want it, and didn't have a plan in place in case it happened.

You've put words into my mouth. I never said we have to move far from someone he really likes. He won't be able to function sexually with a woman he doesn't really like. Loving her is something I expect too. Being romantically in love with her is entirely different. I can't really deal with that if she's local. Luckily, his work moves us every few years, and if we don't like our location, we can request an early transfer. If someone else in his rate also wants to move, we're gone. If not, we'll be moving soon enough anyway. Once he's commissioned, we'll only spend two years in any location anyway.

Listen, you're playing the wrong game here. You don't know the other players, the objective, or the rules. Your opinions are worth less than used toilet paper to me.
 
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B_penispenispenis37

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Oh you think I did this for your approval or to convince you otherwise? Amusing.

I hope you realize all your neat little solutions for jealousy completely fall out the window when someone actually has feelings for another person. 200 miles should definitely do the trick :tongue:

Good luck and I'd love to hear how it works out for you two.
 

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you really are a twat.
Fixed your post. :smile:

Oh you think I did this for your approval or to convince you otherwise? Amusing.

I hope you realize all your neat little solutions for jealousy completely fall out the window when someone actually has feelings for another person. 200 miles should definitely do the trick :tongue:

Good luck and I'd love to hear how it works out for you two.

Yeah. Because we've proven so far to be totally inflexible and unyielding. :rolleyes:Like I said, my jealousy comes from fear of loss. I know how to resolve my own fears, thank you.

I also said (not that you actually read and comprehend without alteration) that I know first-hand what it feels like to be in love with more than one person. Some of the other posters here already know I fell in love with a confidant and (reluctantly, slowly) let go of him and broke it off. After we started talking about going in this direction, I felt I could tell him about it without hurting or worrying him. So I did. He suggested I try to reconnect to him if I want. I don't want. I don't want anything I think could interfere with my commitment to my husband.
 
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