And where did I say any of that? You are the one that said they have love. I'm not even sure of that. I'm going off of the little fantasy that you are creating. There are different types of love, for sure. They clearly don't love to get each other off for starters.
You think that this is more likely to work for them than not. If that is the case, why is she even worried about him really liking someone else? Why the plan to move? Why the uncertainty and jealousy? Pultrygeist and fire77 - do you get jealous of your partners when they spend time without you in your open marriages? I'm guessing not, but I'd like your thoughts on the matter.
This isn't an attack on open relationships. No one is saying disney fantasies are the only true marriage. How thick skulled are you that you don't get this? I think open relationships are great. They just aren't for everyone. I also think that a married couple that refuse to satisfy each other aren't going to find greater recourse by seeing other people. I think it will illustrate the fact that they have a large incompatibility in their relationship. Sure it could be gapped by seeing other people, but thats not going to work if they are jealous of each other.
You don't know us. We do love to get each other off. That's why I participate in his anal exploration even though it is purely for him. I like anal play, but not the way he does. It doesn't turn me off, but it's not that exciting for me either. And he loves to get me off enough to go down on me even though he doesn't really want to. Frankly, I don't want him to if he doesn't want to, but I don't stop him if he lies and says he does.
Jealousy is a natural response to fear of loss, handling it in a healthy way is critical. We do love each other, but I have a fear of abandonment. Not that it is any of your concern, but my father left my family when I was a baby. Then, when I was in my late teens, when we were finally spending a lot of time together, he died. My mother got too sick to care for me when I was 9, so I cared for her. She died a year after my father. My aunts both died. My first romantic partner as an adult cheated behind my back for 5 out of our 6 years together, and we broke up not long after we'd just been picking out an engagement ring. The next person I wanted for a boyfriend didn't choose me back, and then stopped being my friend. Abandonment, over and over. It isn't my husband's fault I have this underlying fear. There is nothing he does to add to it, and nothing he can do to take it away. He has promised to stand by me, and I just have to suck it up and take him at his word. He has always proven trustworthy.
Unlike dolfette who has been my acquaintance on these boards and in a private group for as long as she has been here, you are the one who is wholly ignorant of my situation, and making up fantasy. dolfette is well-aware the lengths I have gone to for my husband, and why I would stand by a sexually dysfunctional man (which he used to be) and even go so far as to marry him. She reads and asks questions. She's not a jackass.
Once I married my dude, we started having 12 times more sex than we were when we were co-habitating. A few years and a little therapy later, we are having about 12 times more sex than that. But I realize this is where is levels off. 3-6 times a month is optimal and normal for him. I was able to keep going when there was hope for more frequent sex, but there just isn't that hope anymore. I asked him to date and through dating be sure he satisfies any curiosity he might have about spending time alone with other women, and what it is like to have sex with other women. I asked him to let me find a friend to have a discreet sexual relationship with. He found the idea interesting enough to look into, so we did.
The book we read said to be honest with ourselves, and in defining our boundaries, try to prevent conflict. So, I thought to myself, "What is the worst-case scenario?" The worst case would be if we divorced and never lived together again. So I shared my fear, and we committed to prioritizing each other above all others, and not allowing any outside influence to cause separation. Then I thought, "Jealousy is a pretty common reason for the failure of an open relationship. Would anything trigger jealousy in me?" Being honest with myself, I knew I would feel threatened if he fell in love with someone else. If she lived at least as far away as we did when we first started dating (over 200 miles) it would be difficult for me to worry about her at all.
He isn't worried about me loving another man or a woman. If it happened, he would just want me to continue to stand by him, and dedicate my time to our marriage. How I carry out that relationship if it isn't interfering with ours, is not important to him. We are both agreed that we do not want to add partners to our marriage. We are both disinterested in falling in love with anyone else, but we did not want to be naive: Love is not like a bag of chips. It isn't as if we give our love to each other, and the "bag" gets emptier, or there are fewer "chips" left for each other if we share some with others. It is entirely possible to be in love with more than one person. I know this first-hand. What wouldn't work out well, is if we pretended that wasn't a possibility, simply because we don't want it, and didn't have a plan in place in case it happened.
You've put words into my mouth. I never said we have to move far from someone he really likes. He won't be able to function sexually with a woman he doesn't really like. Loving her is something I expect too. Being romantically in love with her is entirely different. I can't really deal with that if she's local. Luckily, his work moves us every few years, and if we don't like our location, we can request an early transfer. If someone else in his rate also wants to move, we're gone. If not, we'll be moving soon enough anyway. Once he's commissioned, we'll only spend two years in any location anyway.
Listen, you're playing the wrong game here. You don't know the other players, the objective, or the rules. Your opinions are worth less than used toilet paper to me.