New story writer here, just sharing my thoughts and ideals. Enjoy! Feel free to constructively criticize. "Forbade and Suppressed" Part 1 12:34 AM Saturday April 2nd, 2005 Today is Saturday and Im sitting here typing this entry on my computer to express what Im feeling right now. Every time I have a bunch of exams, I tend to think about things about my life. My chemistry and physics exam are on Monday evening. I only have so much time to study I paused. I nodded my head in despair and yelled out, Arghh, Im taking a break. I angrily threw my freshman chemistry textbook onto the floor and sat in front of my computer. I grasped my hair with both of my hands and rested my elbow onto the table. I felt an inner anger and a sense of abandonment. I was about a five hours drive from home and going home was not going to help. I felt lonely and cold like a working robot. As I remained sitting, I turned my head over and looked at the warm glow coming from the floor lamp on the other side of my college-sized dorm. That side was my high school friends living space. When we first moved in, we agreed to place the floor lamp on his side of the room and it remained our only source of light aside from our desk lamps. My roommate or high school friend was out at a bar tonight. He has a very outgoing lifestyle and was a popular guy. I assumed that I would be alone for the rest of the night. I turned my head back and looked down onto the table. I slowly closed my eyes and started to think about my high school days. I miss those days, I said to myself. I wasnt a popular guy in high school but I always had the opportunity to hang out with the cool, popular people. I consider myself a nobody in high school even though I was well aware of my social status at the time. I know that I am a good-looking, handsome guy and that if I had seized my opportunities for girls, I would easily get them. Not to mention, my body was above average in terms of muscularity. Ive had many girls who treated me extremely nice but I wasnt attracted to them. I knew, however, that I would be able to bone them if I had wanted to. I gave myself a little smirk for thinking about those opportunities with girls because, deep down inside, I knew who I was attracted to and it was my buddy, Dennis. To put it in simple terms, he was a jock. But I knew that he wasnt just any jock because he had a heart, at least to me. On the outside, he looked like a tough, intimidating guy. I knew him since freshman of high school and we knew each other by science class. He was a class clown whom the teacher always picked on. Whenever he couldnt answer the question, he would whisper to me, Hey Steve, whats the answer? and I would happily sneak the answer back to him. At the back of my head, I could always tell he wasnt academically focused. I guess by me saving his ass countless times, he treated me as a buddy in return. As time progressed, he became popular by default because of his looks and jock-like mentality. Luckily, at that time he never forgot about me. He would ask me from time to time to hang out with him. Sometimes I would and sometimes I dont. I always avoided house parties because of the drama that comes along with it. I never blamed myself because I knew I was a laid-back type of guy and could care less whether I was popular or not. The only thing I kept well maintained was my grades and body. The question of when I started to have feelings for Dennis is harder than explaining the universe. Maybe it was by instinct and desire. I was always confused as to whether I wanted to be with women or men. But anyway, it doesnt matter anymore because I was attracted to the one and only, Dennis. I know that maybe Ill never be able to be with him because of the uncertainty factor. He was a jock who was surrounded by pretty cheerleaders and I was sure any jock cant refuse a submissive girl and even if he could, his social status would not allow him to. There was also another factor that forbade us to be together, and it was societys attitudes. I knew life would be much tougher down this road. As I continued to think, my head started hurting. I looked at the radio clock that coldly read 1:45 AM. I quickly placed my head down on the table and folded my hands on the back of my neck. I knew that I should sleep because it was late and I didnt get any studying done. I also knew that I wanted to hear about Dennis crazy night out. In the end, I chose to just nap hopelessly until he comes back. Being half asleep, I heard a batch of keys fall on the floor outside my door. I opened my wet, dreary eyes and glanced at the clock which read 2:15 AM. For as long Ive slept, it seemed like hours. As I kept laying my head down, I felt as though Ive cried during my sleep because my eyes were wet and I felt more tired than before. I continued resting my head down and decided that I should just stay in this position for the rest of the night. I knew I was afraid to look up to Dennis and strike a conversation when he came back anyway. I just wanted to know he safely returned to the dorm. The door opened and a batch of spring air rushed into the room. It was Dennis, obviously, but I was afraid to look at him because it would seem like I was waiting for him. So, I continued to pretend as if I was asleep. I heard him roughly unzip his zipper and belt, undress, wrap his towel around his waist, pick up his shower amenities, and walked away on his flip-flops. As soon as I heard the door bang shut, I sat up and looked at his side to get a closer look at what he exactly did. Since I couldnt confront him directly or express my love or lust towards him, the only thing I could do was just observe his trails and marks. The first thing I observed was the mess he made. I guess a big guy like him would overlook these things. His sneakers were just roughly taken off because one was in the upright position and the other one was lying on its side. His white socks were lying lifeless on the floor. Then, I inhaled deeply to smell fragments of body scent as if he was there in the room. After sniffing around, I continued to look around. I noticed his jeans and shirt on the floor. One thing that caught my eye was his white pair of boxer briefs that were lying beside the doorway. It was so tempting. I wanted to feel his masculine body next to me and that freshly worn white pair of underwear was better than anything else I could wish for. I knew I couldnt get his body and love so why not just get his clothes instead. I wanted to be closer to him. I wanted to be with him. I stood up with on my cold feet and started trembling. With each and every progressing step, I felt happier and intimidated at the same time. Eventually, I arrived at the door and looked down at the priceless treasure. I could feel and hear my own heart pump. I also realized that was breathing a lot harder and faster. It was so exciting. I could feel myself coming to life and my cold hands and feet slowly warm. I knelt down close to them and just as I was about to lay my hands on them, I heard a door bang at the end of the hall. It was the bathroom door and there were footsteps coming towards my direction. I quickly ran back to my seat and went into the same sleeping position as I was in before. I was furious and angry at myself why didn't I quickly induce my euphoria and mental orgasm before he came back. I was so close. As I was rambling these things in my head, I felt my eyes tear and my fists clenched.