Forgive her, or forget her? (FYI: long thread)

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Ivana Dickenside, Nov 8, 2009.

  1. D_Ivana Dickenside

    D_Ivana Dickenside New Member

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    a friend of mine, we'll call her friend A, told me tonight that our mutual friend, we'll call her friend B, is pissed off at me. i kind of already knew that, but tonight friend A confirmed the truth.

    the reason friend B is mad at me is over a rumor.

    i had recently seen friend B in public with her cheating ex-bf, who she said she cut contact with after their dramatic breakup. they didn't see me but i saw them, and whatever she was doing is her business anyway so i don't care.

    i later mentioned it in confidence to another mutual friend, we'll call her friend C, as well as my sister. however, i specifically requested that they not tell friend B about what happened so nothing dramatic would come out of it. friend C kept quiet. but my idiotic drama queen of a sister went on ahead and told friend B anyway because she "felt friend B needed to know."

    tonight i angrily confronted my sister and she admited about telling friend B. she said friend B was embarassed, and later asked friend C if it was true. friend C confirmed it, but only after my sister had told already told friend B. (i'm not upset at friend C though.) so since then, friend B has been mad at me and believes i've been talking shit and making up rumors within our circle that she is still seeing her ex.

    i kind of already knew that friend B was upset with me when she stopped returning my calls and text messages, and blew me off at every social gathering we both happened to be at. and on top of that she had been very catty and sarcastic with me to the point where it was just straight out bitchy.

    however, i didn't know until tonight about what friend B had said to friend A at a recent party we all attended. friend A asked friend B how she was doing and if things with her and her ex had fizzled out. friend A said friend B snapped and lashed out at her saying, "i don't know what the fuck that bitch Condom Fairy told you, but she's making up rumors about me still seeing my ex. whatever the fuck she told you, it's not true, and Condom Fairy's a bitch for starting shit." (at this point friend A didn't even know i had seen friend B and her ex together, hence the phone call tonight confirming friend B's position.)

    so now that everything is out in the open, the question is, what do i do? do i take the initiative to be the bigger person and really try to talk to friend B one on one? or do i leave it be and walk away since friend B won't even return my messages?

    as i stated before, i've tried to make the effort to speak to her on several ocassions but i'm not getting through. i've invited her to various outings, a halloween party, and even a weekend trip to vegas. each time i've tried to get in touch i never got a response, and everytime we're in the same room she's blown me off. i don't want to lose her as a friend because we go way back, but it seems like that may be the case.

    so... what to do, what to do?


    *incase you're confused about who's who, here's a break down list.*

    friend A - the person who confirmed friend B is mad at me.
    friend B - the person who is mad at me over a rumor.
    friend C - the person i told in confidence about friend B.
    my sister - the person who told friend B i saw her and her ex.
     
    #1 D_Ivana Dickenside, Nov 8, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2009
  2. Principessa

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    Let me get this straight, friend B broke up with a lying cheater and is now back with him. You saw them together and instead of keeping your big yap shut, told your sister & another friend what you saw.:rolleyes:

    Your other friend kept her mouth shut as requested; but your sister went to friend B and blabbed. Did you have no clue that your sis was a blabbermouth and couldn't keep a secret?

    Why did you feel the need to blab something friend B obviously didn't want known?

    IMO - If you value your friendship with B; then you need to go to her and apologize for spreading her private business all over town.
     
  3. D_Ivana Dickenside

    D_Ivana Dickenside New Member

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    njqt, friend B is NOT back with her ex. this also wasn't even the first time i, as well as other mutual friends i didn't mention earlier, had seen her and her ex in public after their messy breakup.

    and yes, i did mention it to my sister and friend C because i felt the need to know if they already knew before me. they tend to know more than i do about friend B, so when i told them in confidence, i thought they knew but they didn't.

    my sis, yes, she's over dramatic. however, i told her because she's the one who mentions to me when friend B and her ex see each other.
     
  4. D_Jurgen Klitgaard

    D_Jurgen Klitgaard Account Disabled

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    Ditch the bitch. After hearing for months how overly dramatic friend B and finally seeing it in person, she needs to go at this alone. You and I both know she is still seeing her ex, and has been for months, as confirmed by you and others who have seen them together in "secrecy". The dumb bitch shouldn't be meeting her ex in public places when she knows she'll get caught. Or renting a room with her ex at the hotel where another friend works, when she knows damn well that she has a friend working there. IMO, she's a drama whore and is looking to get caught just so she can keep the attention all on her. They say bad press is better than no press at all.

    Good or bad, she's still got the attention on her. And you and I both know that others see what she is doing and are fed up with her shit too.

    Sometimes people gotta suffer if they're going to learn.
     
  5. BigDallasDick8x6

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    I second the notion that you were out of line by saying anything to anyone about friend B. This isn't 7th grade.

    My advice would be to forget her. I'm guessing the two of you are bad for each other in various ways and breaking it off would be a positive step for both of you. Good luck.
     
  6. Pendlum

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    Based on the vagueness of your post, I will say I don't think you were out of line. But I'm only making that assumption on the fact that I have no idea what you actually said to your sister and C. If it was something like "I saw B with guy earlier" that isn't bad. Hell even saying that you think they may be together again isn't terribly awful. So unless you were saying they are for sure back together etc, I don't see a problem. And from what you said, I don't believe you did say anything like that.

    I can't give you too much advice, because I already strongly dislike B because of the situation, and that is all I can go on. If you want to save your friendship, that is nice, but don't let it consume you, don't let it blow up into a dramabomb. I think it would be better in the long run to just drop it if things get too heated.
     
  7. D_Ivana Dickenside

    D_Ivana Dickenside New Member

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    thanks for your input, pendlum. maybe i should have made myself more clear in my original post.

    the way i mentioned it to my sis and friend C was actually just as casual as you said it. what i asked my sis was, "hey dude, is friend B and her ex seeing each other again? ...cause i just saw them together at the park today." then my sis informed me they weren't seeing each other anymore and she didn't even know friend B was still talking to him. but for some reason, she felt that friend B just had to know i saw them.

    ugh... what a blabber mouth of a sis she is.


    BDD, is it really out of line that i happened to ask/mention to my sis a question about friend B that i didn't know? it's not like i went up to my sis and said, "OMG, friend B is seeing her ex again! i saw them together and they were all over each other!"

    i think there's a difference between casually mentioning/asking in confidence, and making up a total lie... which, is what i did NOT do.
     
    #7 D_Ivana Dickenside, Nov 8, 2009
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2009
  8. Gillette

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    When your sis talked with B it could have been just as casual an inquiry. "Hey, CondomFairy mentioned she saw you with your ex the other night. Are you two dating again?"

    If what Mike Hunt mentioned is true, along with the rest it sounds like B is the one off in this. Going to a hotel where her friend works but not expecting to have it noticed? Either is a cry for help because she's really not happy to be back with him or shes a drama addict. Or she's just using him for sex and doesn't want to aknowledge it.

    I'd give her a single chance. Tell her you're not judging her decisions as they are hers to make but that you don't want to see her hurt again and that she can talk to you about anything. If she continues to freak out at you about a situation of her own creation, then write her off.
     
  9. D_Ivana Dickenside

    D_Ivana Dickenside New Member

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    what mike hunt mentioned is true, and i'm not just saying that because he's my S.O. he and i, as well as the majority of our mutual friends, honestly believe friend B seriously needs to get some kind of mental help. after her break up with the ex, she became emotionally and physically unstable... dramatic weight loss, lack of sleep, taking her anger out on other people, etc.

    from what my sis told me when i confronted her, it was a casual inquiry. she asked friend B if she and her ex were talking to each other again because i happened to see them together. friend B felt embarassed, but did admit to my sis she and the ex met up that day. however, instead of coming to me and asking me myself, she asked around (friend C, for example) and got her info from other sources.

    this also wasn't the first time i had seen friend B and the ex together in public after their messy break up. i can count every time i've seen them in together, whether it was when they were driving around town or heading out to eat. and every time i have seen them, i never mentioned it to her because i know she would be embarassed and i'd rather save her the humilation.

    other mutual friends of ours have also seen friend B and the ex together as well. another friend, we'll call him friend D, works at the hotel where friend B and her ex were staying. he saw them in the lobby checking into a room together shortly after they broke up but were still having sex. friend D spoke to them, and from what i recall, he said friend B denied that she was staying at the hotel because he saw her leave but then come back a few hours later.
     
  10. Hippie Hollow Girl

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    Sounds to me like she needs some time and space. It doesn't sound like to me that you did anything wrong. Just put the friendship on hold. Don't do anything to sever the ties.
    If you are ever at the same place and you feel like she is open and receptive to talk to you then you can apologize to her for doing anything that might have caused her embarrassment.

    But it sounds to me like she is caught up in whatever she is going through at the moment. It sounds like she is in a fuck buddy relationship with her ex. She wants to hold on to him for some reason, but she doesn't want anyone to know. That is my take on it. Some people have to find out everything the hard way. You can't reason with them. This girl's situation is going to play out however it is going to play out.

    My 2 cents. You can also write her a letter which might make you feel better. There is no telling whether she would read a letter from you (if she is mad at you and blaming you for any troubles she is having in her world) But it is what I did when I was your age. It made me feel better. I always liked being able to communicate with people.

    I like letters better than emails, but that is just me.
     
  11. EagleCowboy

    EagleCowboy Well-Known Member

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    What you and your friends should do is carry a camera with you so the next time you see them out together, snap the pic, send it to her, and title it "busted".
     
  12. D_Jurgen Klitgaard

    D_Jurgen Klitgaard Account Disabled

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    To shed some light on what you said here, Friend B and her ex had been in a relationship together for five years, and B lost her virginity to him. So I understand not being able to move on from him. But she also became abusive towards him too, beating him up a time or two. He felt guilty so he didn't even fight back. She also knows all his passwords and has done damage to him there too.

    I know he feels guilty, as well he should. But from what I've heard about B, she is very controlling and manipulative. So it give a bit of insight as to why he would stray. I think even if he had just come out and broken up with her without the cheating, she still would have gone to work on him.
     
  13. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    To be honest, B sounds like an awful person and one I wouldn't want to have as a friend. Moreover, it seems she was backing away from you before this incident for whatever reason.

    I don't see what you've done wrong. They were out in public and could have been--and were--seen by anyone. You broke no confidences. The worst you could be accused of is gossiping without malice. That's not terrible or unforgivable.

    If, for some reason, you care enough to try to salvage this friendship, as people have said, write her and state your position. Although frankly, I think you and your life would be better off without her.
     
  14. molotovmuffin

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    Next time make the rumor really juicy. I'd be pissed just because you made it lame.


    In all truth though I agree with Nick8.

    Friend B is no friend and you're better off without her.
     
  15. D_Ivana Dickenside

    D_Ivana Dickenside New Member

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    the abuse was another big thing that caused a lot of drama b/t friend B and the ex, post break up. she admitted to me on several ocassions that she punched him, kicked him in the balls, and even busted his lip open until it was bleeding all over his shirt. not once did he ever fight back.

    and the thing with the accounts and passwords, OMG... that was a whole other story in itself. while they were dating she made him open a bank account with her same bank so they could have a joint account. that way she could control his finances and balances. there were also instances post break up where SHE WOULD CHECK HIS FUCKING EMAIL WHILE USING MY PC!!! and i know that because i'd log on to my hotmail after she was done, and her ex's email would be displayed and saved as the default email.


    thank you, nick8. i really appreciate your input. aside from friend B's vindictive agenda to make her ex's life miserable, she wasn't that bad of a person to be around... before the break up. but after the break up, she became very over-dramatic and would take her anger and frustraion out me and our mutual friends, which is why a lot of us--myself included--don't want to be around her.

    i think the reason i care about the situation is because friend B is one of my oldest friends. yes, she is a basket case, but i have known her since the 6th grade... BEFORE she became a basket case. the least i could try to do is salvage our friendship, or at least end our friendship on mutual terms.


    i'm starting to have that feeling myself, because if she were really my friend she wouldn't hold all this drama against me.
     
  16. Principessa

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    Isn't that the basic premise of the show cheaters?:confused:

    I say forget her and while you're at it just divorce the drama from your life. You will feel so much better, your skin will clear up, and you won't be constipated once you rid yourself of toxic relationships.
    :cool:
     
  17. denton85

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    Friend B sounds like a highway car crash. This was her first love ( i think i might have skimmed over that ) she might have some issues when it comes to trust/ obsession. It might stem from him cheating on her, or from a family household situation from her youth (most likely both). She doesn't want to move on because she seems to be quite obsessed with him. Now when confronted with the situation that she wanted to control without any outside influence, judgement, or incident her obsession has become irrational.

    She seems to be obsessive, and controlling. I would stay away from her, and this entire situation at all costs.
     
  18. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    I can understand the difficulty in cutting all ties with an old friend in whom you have many years invested. I can even understand that she is hurting (despite the continuing horrific tales of her behaviour you keep revealing) but even if all this is attributable to her relationship and breakup, she is reacting in such an entirely unhealthy and toxic way that you can't give her the kind of help she needs. Support, perhaps but this girl needs therapy.

    Moreover, people simply change sometimes as they grow older. Regardless of whom she was when you were in elementary school, she's not the same girl now. You need to re-evaluate any type of role she might ever have in your life. Perhaps it's time to let her go entirely and hope one day, probably years from now, she comes back to you as a healthy adult.

    In the meantime, she sounds so unstable it's scary.
     
  19. helgaleena

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    Friend B is an abuser and a user, and though you may have known her a long time, she is not a nice person now. Not only that, she is refusing to talk to you anyway.

    If she ever becomes sane and human acting again, then be her friend at that time. It sounds as if you live in the same community and she still has some communication withyour sister anyway. The opportunity to be friends again will be there in your future and hers.
     
  20. D_Jurgen Klitgaard

    D_Jurgen Klitgaard Account Disabled

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    Yes, her sister and B became quite close over the past few months because they both feed off of each other's drama. If you knew what crazy things her sister has done in the past, you would understand the connection.

    Another thing I've noticed and I've talked with Condom Fairy about is that I feel like CF's sister and friend B are jealous of our relationship.
     
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