Forgiveness > Betrayal

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by DV8, Feb 12, 2011.

  1. DV8

    DV8
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    So, I've had some friends and people I've met along my journey of life ask me how I've come to become the person I am today. My answer each and every single time is experience, forgiveness, and my favorite phrase "it is what it is." With that being said, I'll go ahead and tell you that life wasn't easy for me; hell, I don't think it's easy for anyone. I would have to say that it started after my dad died. I didn't really talk much about the feelings that I had with that, or the pain that it actually caused me. For starters, he was never in my life, so to know that I'll never be able to know apart of myself that was present in my mother was a pretty big blow. It was also pretty devastating to have someone come in your life just to die on you.
    After that, I was dealing with my sexuality- do I like girls, boys, or both? Living in a conservative area, coming from a Christian family, and not really knowing gays to discuss it with, I felt pretty lonely. I had 2 friends that I was pretty close with and I shared how I felt about it. One of them was accepting, as I expected him to be- he was always a good guy. The other gave me a very hard time about it. He'd never forget to share with me how I was going to hell or how God would forgive many things, but not that. It didn't help anything that my mother wasn't taking it very well, so I felt alone. One day in PE class, we were horsing around, and I rubbed the top of the head of my second friend, and he actually hit me in the face. I thought that I had hurt him, so I apologized and extended my hand to shake it. He gave me the finger and said "fuck you," as he walked off. I felt bad and I did what I could to make it right, but after a while, my friendship with the two guys drifted away. At this point, it was obvious that I was alone, and I felt blacklisted. What bothered me the most about it was the fact that the second friend had told me a year earlier that he had sexually assaulted two people younger than us over the course of a few months. And I forgave him; he was already my friend. We all mess up, great and small- who am I to judge? Don't we all deserve a second chance- otherwise, what's the point of living if you're forever damned?
    I was afraid to go to school. I could hear the gossip and the rumors, and see the phony smiles, and I just went with it. I seriously believed that I was going to be queer bashed or worse especially after Matthew Shepard. I made a friend in my biology class, and she accepted me. Took me to her house, we'd hang out and share thoughts; it was just nice to have that sense of trust again. One day, she talked me into skipping class. I did it, and I did it a few more times with her. I eventually got caught, was requested to go to the principal's office, and answer to "Cut-throat" Willis. I didn't deny it, in fact I told the truth, and told her who I was skipping classes with, where I was going off campus. That friend came in with her mother and they both lied. Mrs. Willis called me a liar, and sent me to In School Suspension for 2 additional days on top of the day that I was given. I was hurt, betrayed, and humiliated.
    What people didn't know and I'd never share it, was that I was suicidal. I seriously wanted to die. There were a few times when I would tell God that if he truly loved me, he'd take me in my sleep instead of sending me into a world that views me as a joke. He never did follow through, of course. And after a while, I stopped caring. I didn't put much stock in people; I learned quickly that anyone can betray you. Friends could walk away from you and never look back, and "I'm sorry" is something that people just say to help them sleep at night and to shut you up. I had two friends who saved me; one was a faculty member of my school, and the other was a student, Robyn. We never really hung out or shared our deepest secrets with one another, but she made me feel loved and welcomed. She understood what it was like to be different, and she encouraged it. It was outside the mold where I took my strength. And the remaining two years of high school weren't bad at all. So Robyn if you're reading this, thank you!
    I recently spoke to that condemning friend, and he told me that I'm the reason that he can say that he's less homophobic today, but he still doesn't like his hair messed with. It was at that point that I remembered that day and thought about it- he hit me in face because I "messed" with his hair. 1% of me would have gone to his ass over such a stupid reason, but the other 99% is very proud of the way that I handled that situation. Such stupidity is not in my nature, but I did have to ask myself one question: Had I known that he hit me because I messed with his hair, would I have told my fellow students his dark secret out of anger? I forgave him, so I don't believe I would have, and I'm glad I didn't; makes me the better person.
    So there you have it. Forgiveness is huge and I always preach it. And we've all betrayed someone at some point or another. What you need to understand is that it's wonderful if that person you betrayed forgives you. But what determines your relationship from that point forward is how you demonstrate as to whether or not you're truly worthy of that forgiveness. I've stated that I've gotten sick and tired of "It gets better." But it's true, it does get better! And I encourage everyone to treat others the way that you would want to be treated; the world is filled with ugliness already- don’t make it even worse. You never know what someone is going through, or whether or not someone’s in a good or bad place in life. And who knows, you might just save a life.
     
  2. blkbro510

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    Just give your friends space. You can forgive but you won't forget and that's a good thing because you don't want to experience that again.

    After space, start making new friends and rebuild your support system again.

    Then if you are up to it go slowly with your old friends but on your terms.


    Look up this book When Friendship Hurts by Jan Yager


    Don't worry you'd be alright


    YouTube - ‪India Arie - The Heart of the Matter‬‏

    and listen to

    YouTube - ‪India Arie Wings of forgiveness‬‏
     
  3. LaFemme

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    I'm a huge believer in forgiveness. I've had some pretty horrific experiences in my life, but I have forgiven those responsible. Forgiveness is not condoning what other's have done, but to accept that what has happened in the past is the only way that things could have happened. No point in 'what ifs' or 'if only'. It is what it is/or it was what it was. Forgiveness sets me free to focus on what I can learn from the past and move forward into the future without someone else's baggage hanging onto me. And I can honestly say, I have a pretty happy life this way.
     
  4. SeeDickRun

    SeeDickRun New Member

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    I'm sorry to hear of your high school experiences. That is perhaps the worst time to be exposed to that kind of situation. And, it's the most common experience for gay people. You're 25, and you've developed (or innately had) a gentleness in your spirit. You're fortunate to have that now, as your coping mechanism.

    When you reach my age, you realize that your "give a damn" meter doesn't go very high. There's not much that's worth getting upset about. Things come and go. Situations get resolved, with or without your intervention. And there's just damn little that's REALLY worth getting upset about. :) Keep that in mind. You've got a head start on realizing what's really important.
     
  5. helgaleena

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    Forgiveness is good, but not at the cost of fairness. The idea is to remain in emotional equilibrium by letting go of the past. But that also means letting go of people and things who have caused the injury.

    Also others are not obligated to forgive us when we are in the wrong. Go ahead and forgive yourself though. That is not dependent on changing others. GTFO is essential to true forgiveness. If you don't GTFO you can be stuck in a cycle of masochism.
     
  6. Miscer

    Miscer New Member

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    I rarely forgive those who don't know how to use paragraphs.
     
  7. DV8

    DV8
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    Paragraphs were used before I copied and pasted this facebook note here on lpsg. But thanks for the observation. :rolleyes:
     
  8. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

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    I've gone through some tough times with so called friends too. Getting into an investment where I was the principle investor while thinking my friends would eventually belly up and balance out the financial contribution. These life long friends betrayed me big time and I was left with a deep hole in my bank account while they walked away without even an apology.

    God commanded that we love our neighbor, but I don't think He said anything about having to like them.
     
  9. helgaleena

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    Johnny, that happened to my late dad-in-law, twice he cosigned on home loans for relatives with children and ended up paying for their entire houses. The ones who kept their roofs never gave him thanks and he just kept on with his life and founded at least three successful businesses in a row-- in another state.

    Good for you.
     
  10. DV8

    DV8
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    Man! I am so sorry that happened to you. I really am. That just sounds awful, and I can't believe people can actually be that. And you're right, you're sure as hell don't have to like them. When I spoke to that "condemning" friend recently, I realized that I don't really like him as a person. I hadn't spoken to him in over 10 years, and I can survive the rest of my life never acknowledging that he exists.
     
  11. D_Relentless Original

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  12. DQSundae

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    I think forgiveness is overrated. People do mean hateful shit to others and go on with their lives. Then they act as if you're the one with the problem if you get angry about it. Well screw that. They will tell you that they made a mistake or didn't mean what they said, but that is the lie they tell when confronted. I say cut them out of your life, plain and simple, a cold hard slice. If they want forgiveness let them pursue you for it.
     
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