Found bio father on facebook

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by _Auron_, Mar 15, 2011.

  1. _Auron_

    _Auron_ Member

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    I've spent my entire life hardly knowing anything about my biological father. He left my mother when I wasn't even 2 years old, and the amount of info about him I gathered over the years won't even make a paragraph.

    For some random reason the other day, I decided to try to find him on facebook by searching for his name (which is a rather unique name). Among the few results, I found one that was locked down entirely except for the friends list, and I skimmed through to see he had friends in the state he moved to years ago. I sent a message to get a response if he recognized my name.

    The next morning I got a reply with my mother's name and checking if it was correct. We've sent a few messages back and forth since then, and he said he goes down to Texas to visit Dallas at least once a year for several reasons, and that perhaps sometime later this year we could meet face to face.

    I spent two decades of my life never meeting or knowing him. I'm not mad that he left, I'm a bit nonchalant about that (and let him know that). I told myself over the years that I should try to contact him at some point in life, but never bothered to because I didn't know what I'd say. I still don't.. yet I feel compelled to at least meet him in person. I'm just shocked, I guess.

    Any tips or food for thought?
     
  2. Zayne

    Zayne New Member

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    I understand why you want to meet him, but adjust your expectation realistically. Remember, he didn't try to contact you. Proceed with emotional caution. He's likely a deadbeat.
     
  3. MrToolhung

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    Honestly, I would say don't expect anything from him. Like you said you were the one who contacted him and not the other way around. He has a life that does not involve you or Mother which is probably the way he wants it. Although I could be wrong and maybe he wants to start a relationship with you and include you in his life. When it comes to biological Fathers I am very cynical due to what my Father has put me through.

    Like Zayne said...proceed with caution! Don't set the bar to high because more then likely he will not meet your expectations at all.

    However, I wish you luck with your meeting and hopefully all goes well.
     
  4. GayFrog

    GayFrog Member

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    I myself have never had children but am an uncle to many nieces and nephews. My younger brother was married and divorced before he was thirty he had two young children at the time. His ex-wife remarried and moved out west taking the children with her. Through family services my brother paid child support until the children reached the age of eighteen. He never had any contact with them.

    A few years ago I received a letter from my brothers son asking if I happened to be his uncle and if so did I know how he could contact his father. I pondered over that letter for several days before approaching my brother about it's contents. My brother had mixed emotions over the prospect of seeing his first born after nearly twenty-two years; and asked if I would mediate the process between the two of them.

    I phoned my nephew and told him his father would like to speak with him, and I explained how emotional he was and arranged a time and day for the call to take place.
    About six to eight weeks after that initial talk between my brother and his son. My nephew called to say he would like to come for a visit and would I help him arrange it.

    The week that Jeff and his father spent getting to know each other was full of emotions. It proved to be a life altering experience for the two of them. In seven short days, twenty-two years passed by and a son's love for his father shone through; if not for that love he would not have searched for his father.

    No one can erase the footsteps we take through life, but we can alter their path. It is very rare that we make random choices. There is usually a reason for them. It will be a very emotional time for you and your dad. Grasp it and nurture it and you'll be richer for it.

    Good Luck
     
    #4 GayFrog, Mar 15, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2011
  5. borntobeking

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    I hope it goes well for you. I was sort of in a similar situation. I just recently reconnected with my father after almost 20 years of silence. I never knew where he went or where he was. When he left I was a 15 year old kid and now I am a grown man with a family of my own. I was curious to know the man that I came from and learn from the mistakes he has made in life. It was cool for a while but eventually I realized we were better off not being in each other's lives.

    I am happy for you. You have taken a brave step. Guard your feelings and proceed with courage.
     
  6. helgaleena

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    Whether he did or did not send child support is a very important tip-off about what you might expect. Certainly you will get a huge amount of information re: nature versus nurture and what sorts of things are heritable from someone who is otherwise a stranger to you.

    I recall that you have a sister. If she's older, she might have info you can take into account as well.

    As for what to say-- look first, then you'll have something to say about his appearance to break any silence. You have done it, you have contacted him. Just see what happens.
     
  7. monel

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    My two cents for what it's worth; As a father I cannot fathom how a man can drop entirely out of his cildren's lives. No matter what the situation between the parents the lines of communication should stay open such that a child should never have to say "are you my father?"

    In your situation I would encourage you to meet but with a healthy dose of skepticism.
     
  8. Endued

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    I don't have any experience of this situation to any degree, but I'd say rather than question the whys and wherefores, just go in with a completely open mind.
     
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