Found out husband is bi

[helpme]

Absolutely traumatised after discovering husband had been having a 4 year affair with a male friend (a person I had trusted) -all this going on in our home while I was either at work or asleep at night. I hadnt a clue EVER until they were walked in on one night.

He has theatened to leave me (we have 2 kids) because, I think, of my reaction. I however love him deeply and am very hurt that all this was hidden from me (we're together 20 yrs) . I am very committed to making our marriage work but dont want anyone else in our marriage.

The lovely intimacy is gone, he doesnt like kissing me and I miss that so much. My question is are there any other married bi women/men out there that are in the same position, what can I do to make it work (we have all the toys etc). I've a very broken heart, he is my soul mate, I love him and I dont want to lose him. Is there anything more I can do to reassure him (I've already told him what happened is history as far as I'm concered). I read the post below on another thread and I wondered if anyone has any comments on it. helpme

"Get Out.
drop him like the lying sack of shit he is and find yourself a man who wants a woman.

Bisexuality is not a license to cheat. If you aren't interested in an open relationship with a mate who engages in unprotected sex and the risks that entails then don't put up with it.

Certainly don't make it worse by joining in and adding more vectors for disease to find you or your child.

Just as heterosexual men have to choose WHICH woman they want and forego the rest... so-too can bisexual men choose which gender they want to settle down with and forsake all others.

I have a bisexual interest. I have a woman I am faithful to.

She accommodates my desires with a simple strap on and some role play... a role she finds exciting, too.

Your guy doesn't just want sex with men... he wants dangerous, anonymous sex without emotional connection.

lose him."

 

[invisibleman]

Absolutely traumatised after discovering husband had been having a 4 year affair with a male friend (a person I had trusted) -all this going on in our home while I was either at work or asleep at night. I hadnt a clue EVER until they were walked in on one night.

He has theatened to leave me (we have 2 kids) because, I think, of my reaction. I however love him deeply and am very hurt that all this was hidden from me (we're together 20 yrs) . I am very committed to making our marriage work but dont want anyone else in our marriage.

The lovely intimacy is gone, he doesnt like kissing me and I miss that so much. My question is are there any other married bi women/men out there that are in the same position, what can I do to make it work (we have all the toys etc). I've a very broken heart, he is my soul mate, I love him and I dont want to lose him. Is there anything more I can do to reassure him (I've already told him what happened is history as far as I'm concered). I read the post below on another thread and I wondered if anyone has any comments on it. helpme

(NOT COMMENTING ON SOME OTHER POST THAT HASN'T A THING TO DO WITH YOUR SITUATION SO I DELETED IT TO FOCUS ON YOUR SITUATION.)

ISSUES: Has any woman...any man ever considered that maybe the people they marry aren't able to "forsake all others"? Subjects like bisexual partners...who ever talks about these things before decisions of marrying? You married a bisexual man...you didn't know until he got discovered. His bisexuality isn't your fault. You didn't know. I think that you want to control that part of him and you cannot. If he wants to see other men...that is HIS choice unfortunately.

You can work on the marriage (you both have to work on the marriage)...but if has other men involved and you don't want that...you don't want that. Divorce and get a man who is happy being with you and you only.

Maybe you both need to discuss your feelings and your sides of the situation (AND DO IT WITHOUT BEING MEAN.). If the love you both have for each other is in a good place...you both have a chance at making your relationship (under the known differences) work. But you both have to be willing to work. If you can't understand each other and work it out...maybe the best loving thing to do is to separate.

 

[PACKINGBIG]

Hi,

My partner is bi but we are monogamous. Being bi doesn't give someone a license to cheat. Unless you had both agreed to an open relationship, what he did was wrong. He knew it too, otherwise he wouldn't have hidden it.

Your choice now is whether to stay with him. To be honest he sounds like a bit of an asshole but I know breaking up a family can be extremely scary and difficult.

What advice would you give one of your kids if they were in your situation?

Whatever you choose, make sure you will be happy at the end of it.

Best of luck.

 

[okiebud]

This looks like it was copy/paste from somewhere else. It has responses to the question in the post.

 

[anewone]

This looks like it was copy/paste from somewhere else. It has responses to the question in the post.

I was thinking the exact same thing!

 

[helpme]

Thanks for the replies. Like I said at the bottom of my original post I read the reply to someone else's query and reposted it with quotes. I am that desperate at the moment I just wanted to hear others opinions. My post is my own, unfortunately

 

[someperson]

This looks like it was copy/paste from somewhere else. It has responses to the question in the post.

op was obviously looking for a second opinion should have went to grammar school....


then you would know what the " " means


it can only mean one of two things .

inches or quoting

 

[185248]

20 years. You had no inkling whatsoever? I think if you think back, things may tend to drop into place. Being perceptive and 'hearing', just not listening to your partner, is part of a close and loving relationship. You heard what you wanted to hear.

 

[andy_life]

hi helpme... I have really just accepted that im bisexual its taken years and its been horrible I was married and during a drunk night I told my wife how I felt and that I was either gay or bi... well not long after she was gone lol... its a struggle and I hate the fact that I like woman and men torn between the passion and emotional passion, closeness and love of a woman and the different sexual hardness of a man.. I guess what a woman experiences when with a man a bi guy must experience the same.. its an odd feeling.... there is times when I get so angry with the face I want a guy and woman but I could never see me in a relationship with a guy. I wish I was one or the other gay or straight one or the other... I have girlfriend and she does not know would like to tell her but she's not open mined at all... I assume your husband is going through hell at the moment both of you.. I have to say the urges are strong and different that the urge for a woman.. I would never cheat with a woman but with a guy I could for some reason... its not the case I see it as not cheating its the urge to explore a guy I hope you can work it out if you stay together you would have to accept him

 

[mydeepsix]

You said "he doesn't like kissing me and I miss that so much". I'm sorry, this has nothing to do with straight/gay/bi, and everything to so you how you want to spend the rest of your life. No one deserves to spend their life as a third wheel. IMHO.

 

[mydeepsix]

20 years. You had no inkling whatsoever? I think if you think back, things may tend to drop into place. Being perceptive and 'hearing', just not listening to your partner, is part of a close and loving relationship. You heard what you wanted to hear.

What a load of crap. Everyone is different, not everyone falls into a stereotype.

 

[DickJagger]

thats a tough situation. He probably wasnt honest about it to you for the fact that you would react the way you are, something to consider.

i have no solution other than to try and work it out.

 

[CollStorm]

First off, don't listen to the poster about me.

It's not your fault. Just because your husband is bisexual, doesn't give him any right to explore behind your back.

Cheating is cheating, no matter who you do it with.

You have two options:

1: Divorce him, because of what he did.

2: Accept his bisexuality and let him play, but only on your terms.

You can let him play, but have it scheduled, so you know what's going on and when. Either that or if it turns you on at all, then maybe you can watch them.

If he's truly bisexual than the thought of having the both of you at the same time would probably turn him on more than anything. What are your thoughts on joining in?

I'm just saying that sometimes it's better to know what's going on and be part of it. You say that this was someone you know and trusted, so there's a good chance he hasn't picked up any diseases, because he also trusts this guy.

I wish you good luck.

 

[latinluva]

I think you have to look at yourself first, it's never okay to cheat. But has your lust for sex deteriorated? Do you still make him feel like a man in the bedroom? Sometimes life gets away from us, too much work, bored with conventional sex, don't wanna explore more exciting sex within yourself? If you can look in the mirror and say."I've done everything I can to please him? He should not have looked else where." I love a blow job with my prostate being massaged (finger or prostate massage), strap on sex, I know he would really enjoy that from you, being bisexual and all. Your other options, like the above posters:

You have two options:

1: Divorce him, because of what he did.

2: Accept his bisexuality and let him play, but only on your terms.


I would also add in there, exploring with other sexual partners like yourselves. Enjoy your sexuality, be safe and have fun with each other. You'd be amazed at how wonderful it can be. Be sexual team mates and have an open mind. Be safe is the key word.

 

[Trevor]

Just curious what was your reaction?

 

[MilkDaddy]

I agree with invisible man
Many assumptions are also being made in the original poster's pastings of replies, many seem to be based on personal insecurities and biased view points. I personally do not agree with running around behind one's back, but neither do I agree that someone should be forced to forego natural inclinations, or change who they really are. Utimately it is between you and him to work out. In this poster's "opinion" that is the best marriage advice....talk to him, talk to each other, be open, be non judgemental, and as much as I would be as pissed and hurt as you are...Try to focus on what you do love about him, and be honest with yourself as to what can be worked out if anything..
Consider these few points..the institute of marriage has changed based on whatever "special party' is in power at a given time. As difficult as it is for people to hear, marriage was not always an agreement of a monogamous life style..
Marriage should be personal, not dictated by church OR state, again, just my opinion.
Sexual urges, and hunger are two of the most powerful primal forces that we experience, this is not to say we should just give into every primal force without abandon, or to excuse him cheating, it is simply a consideration.

It is to avoid these types of things that I make my sexuality known to those I'm dating. The result? I'm single most of the time. I don't cheat and never have. Nor have I ever hooked up with someone in a relationship without the significant other's knowledge and blessing. I don't know how long ago this happened, but take some time before making decisions. Be true to yourself.
Best of luck

 

[Bittydrew]

Maybe he was like me didn't know he was bi tell it was late in the marriage all bi people don't know it till they act on it was with me didn't even think about it till I ran into someone and tryed it then it was like I"m made for that .....and even changes with age ...

 

[deleted817718]

Being bisexual doesn't mean you can't control yourself and have to have sex with both men and women. I've never cheated and I have been openly bisexual since I was old enough to have sex.

 

[ManchesterTom]

First off, don't listen to the poster about me.

It's not your fault. Just because your husband is bisexual, doesn't give him any right to explore behind your back.

Cheating is cheating, no matter who you do it with.

You have two options:

1: Divorce him, because of what he did.

2: Accept his bisexuality and let him play, but only on your terms.

You can let him play, but have it scheduled, so you know what's going on and when. Either that or if it turns you on at all, then maybe you can watch them.

If he's truly bisexual than the thought of having the both of you at the same time would probably turn him on more than anything. What are your thoughts on joining in?

I'm just saying that sometimes it's better to know what's going on and be part of it. You say that this was someone you know and trusted, so there's a good chance he hasn't picked up any diseases, because he also trusts this guy.

I wish you good luck.

Also, a lot of bi guys don't need to take part in risky behaviour. A bi friend of mine has an agreement with his wife that he will not engage in penetrative sex, not even using a condom. There are many many gay people who live their entire life without any anal activity at all.

It's very sad for both parties involved in this trauma.

 

[Tbprivate]

op was obviously looking for a second opinion should have went to grammar school....


then you would know what the " " means


it can only mean one of two things .

inches or quoting

Grammar?! Should have 'went' ?! Really?