Free at last, free at last.....

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by ItsAll4Kim, Aug 10, 2018.

  1. ItsAll4Kim

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    I have been divorced since 2014 and separated for twelve years. The crap with her started about 28 years ago. But this past May my youngest daughter (18 y/o) graduated high school. This removes my obligation to pay child support to the ex-wife, which I've done voluntarily without court order for that dozen years.

    A burden lifted.
     
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  2. flynn

    flynn Well-Known Member

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    Congratulations!
     
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  3. bravesoldier

    bravesoldier Well-Known Member

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    Been there, done that. Congratulations!
     
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  4. 420Canadian

    420Canadian Well-Known Member

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    You should celebrate in a meaningful way. Maybe save up the money you were paying in child support for a year, and go on a trip. Or buy something extravagant. Maybe upgrade your vehicle, or get a new, more expensive place to live.

    Or, maybe just whores and coke. /shrug
     
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  5. ItsAll4Kim

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    I think I'll split the money between some stuff we could use and enjoy, and something nice for my daughter...it might be the first of the $68,000 I've paid that actually gets to her....
     
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  6. EllieP

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    Congratulations for being one of the good guys.

    My daughter is 28, and my ex owes over $100 grand in child support. Never paid a dime and expended more energy in avoiding it than I wanted to spend pursuing it. I consider it an investment in neither one of us ever having to see him again.

    But I know your side of things as well, and I hope you get to spoil your daughter now.

    Congratulations on your freedom as well!
     
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  7. hunghorse30

    hunghorse30 Well-Known Member

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    When my parents divorced my father resented paying child support and did his best to avoid it. I can only think that he saw it as a burden and a waste of money on the baggage of a failed marriage. His attitude was hurtful to his children and made life more difficult for us. I think child support is just that - it's not a payment to your ex-spouse, it's supporting your children. So I don't really get with the attitude of resentment and sense of burden.
     
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  8. EllieP

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    I do see the point of some men who have the feel that the mother is not being wise with the money, because I've seen women use it as income for the household general fund rather than dedicated to the children. But remember, mortgage and rent keeps a roof over their heads and they do need groceries.

    Since I never received any I don't know if there ever has to be some accountability on how the funds were spent. But I would think if there's a suspicion of mismanagement that the dad would have some kind of recourse.

    Of course, I might be dreaming as well. And I might get kicked by other single moms.
     
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  9. hunghorse30

    hunghorse30 Well-Known Member

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    Absolutely, the money goes towards the upkeep and upbringing of the children even if it goes into a general household fund. I remember my mother being pretty penniless for a few years. She worked in a bar at nights and made jewellery that she sold for a modest living. While he remarried and resented paying for his cast-offs. I can see that mismanagement could be an issue or if the ex-spouse is living better than the one paying child support. Divorce can be ruinous for both parties. In the end she set up her own business, made far more money than him, and didn't need his money. But as his child I never forgot that he viewed me as a financial burden.
     
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  10. ItsAll4Kim

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    Every situation is unique. In my case the monetary burden was paying far more than I would have legally owed for more than half the time I paid support. I kept the payment the same despite it being more than I earned some months...it devastated my savings account, and made a retirement fund impossible. Meanwhile, my ex-wife was driving a Mercedes-Benz and spending what should have been my daughter's college fund on Ethan Allen furniture and decorating for a home she couldn't afford, and a litany of other ridiculous extravagances I won't bore us going through.

    The "burden" that is lifted is actually not the money....it is the fact that I am now completely free from the ex. I don't have to communicate with her at all. This was not an amicable divorce...she cheated repeatedly and somehow expected me to stick around. When she realized I was really gone she used our daughters as a weapon. It's backfired on her...they like me and resent her. I wish no one ill, but really just want to put that large part of my life completely behind me.
     
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  11. ItsAll4Kim

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    Every divorced man I know views the burden as the fault of the spouse, not the children. I for one simply wanted to do the right thing for my child. When money was squandered...it was her mother's poor decision. The resentment is toward my ex-wife. I don't know if that's how your dad felt, but it has consistently been how every guy I've known felt.
     
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  12. someperson

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    just hope she does not want to go to college lol
     
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  13. hunghorse30

    hunghorse30 Well-Known Member

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    As you say, every case is different. You seem a very scrupulous and fair person so I don't doubt your motives and this isn't meant to be a pot shot at you. But many people, actually men, let's be honest, simply walk away from a marriage and children. They shed the ‘burden' and responsibility for raising their children altogether. Or they pay, dutifully and reluctantly, while raising a second family.

    I'm looking at this more from the point of the child, who may also feel part of the failure of the broken marriage. I think any language of burden and resentment around childcare payment, even if not directed at the child, is unhelpful to them. A test of that might be how your daughter might feel if she read this thread, or guessed its contents, particularly at an earlier age. Certainly I felt sensitive about this when younger, and actually both my parents made clear they resented a) being saddled with the upbringing of their children single-handed and b) bearing the cost of it. Both would like to have been unencumbered.

    It's hard to disentangle the resentments and animosities after a fractious divorce. That's why I was suggesting it might be helpful to consider childcare support simply as that rather than, as you put it, a payment “to my ex-wife”. If she mismanaged those funds, that's on her. At least you have paid your due towards the childcare. And, after all, she was the one bringing up your children while you moved on with your life, so she may have had resentments of her own to deal with. Maybe just think of it as a contribution for your daughter, rightfully paid, rather than as a burden lifted.
     
  14. EllieP

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    It was not quite a year after my divorce that I ran into my ex's aunt. I love that woman despite sharing blood with the cretin. But she told me all along how wrong he was. She told me that she scolded him for walking away from his only child, and he said something to the effect that he was comfortable knowing that I'd move heaven and earth to take care of that child, so he didn't have to worry about her.

    It takes a special piece of shit to think like that. That's a quote from his aunt right there.
     
  15. ItsAll4Kim

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    I wish she did. She's a straight-A student, and has artistic talent, but zero motivation. When she gets her sea legs I will do anything I can to help. In the meantime, I've encouraged her to consider enlisting in the Air Force...her new step-dad is retired USAF, and they live right next to a large airbase. But her mother will nix that. Hopefully she will use her freedom to pursue something she loves, and I will do everything possible to help.
     
  16. ItsAll4Kim

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    Far more men quietly do what they need to help their estranged children, than the deadbeats, who get the press...deservedly so.

    I literally gave up my future to support my children. That's not a complaint...I'd give my life to save theirs, any day. My older daughter, who is tens years older than her sister, saw what was happening through more mature eyes, and took my advice. She graduated magna cum laude with a bachelor's in graphic design. She worked while in college, and after college became a store manager in a retail establishment, and got freelance graphic design work. Last year she was hired to a nice corporate design job, and in a year has been promoted.

    Her sister worships her, and I just hope she can see the potential she has as well. There's way more to this than I want to share now.
     
  17. ItsAll4Kim

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    Followup....got a text this weekend that my daughter is enrolled at a local (to her) state college. While I'm willing and prepared to assist with paying, I'm concerned that it was "a struggle to get her to agree" to attend. No mention of what sort of major she would eventually pursue. I would rather she spend a little time getting a sense of direction and then do college.
     
  18. fireman1294

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    You always have those special kind of assholes men and women that screw the system and give the way it's supposed to work a bad name.

    I guy I was stationed with separated from his wife. He moved back in the barracks and she was in the house. He took on a 2nd job just to support the household he didn't live in and anbit for himself to live. The only way he came out on top was he had to completely seperate his bank accounts and finances and create a big money trail that could be proven in court. At the separation hearing she said he was giving her no money to support the kids or her and tried to throw him under the bus as a dead beat dad. Until his lawyer brought out the money trail that showed he was paying all the bills and electronic transfers to her account for spending money. So the judge set a child support amount. And he stuck to that but she would always say hey I need money she needs shoes or something else. Well whenever he said "ok I'll be over after work to pick her up and take her shopping for some daddy daughter time she said no just give me the money. Any way. He went through an emotional hell of not giving any extra money and watching his kid suffer before it got to the point that he had a solid legal case to get custody from her. And he did.
     
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  19. ItsAll4Kim

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    I won't surmize how often this happens...from personal anecdote, I know it happens enough. I made certain I had proof of payments. I made sure the checks stated "child support" because none of it was court-ordered and I didn't want a claim that I was only sending gift money. I made sure the ex- acknowledged that I had been paying child support.

    I have no legal obligation to pay college tuition. I may or may not assist, but if I don't it will only be because the terms I will impose won't be followed. My ex- has refused to mail anything to my home address, because "the bitch lives there". Yeah, she's that immature. So I want grades mailed to me. I will only make a check out and send it to the college. No payments through the ex-. And my daughter will need to maintain a good grade point average and declare a major fairly early. I'm not here to give her a free ride for four years. This is for an education geared towards a career path. I don't care if she wants to be a chef or a doctor or a carpenter....I will help towards a real goal.
     
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