Friend dumped me because I'm straight!

[Zero_Cool]

I haven't posted in a long time, but I've been lurking around recently and I think you all might find this interesting.

I recently got back in touch with a girl from high school, over the internet. We talked a lot on Myspace, she often told me about her relationship problems, and we would communicate pretty regularly (almost every day.) Then we started texting, and we'd try to make plans for lunch or just hanging out, but our schedules were very different and it never worked out.

Anyway, it was all good until Tuesday night. We had one of our long text-conversations in the middle of the night (yeah, we both hate talking on the phone.) We both ran out of stuff to talk about, so as I was typing my good-night message, I get this: "I have a question... don't be offended." I told her to ask, and I get, "Aren't you gay?"

I told her "I'm straight". I could have said "I'm mostly straight but there are guys I find attractive, and I have experimented in the past, yadda yadda yadda," but I was tired and just wanted to end the conversation.

She starts going on about how that's, "So Weird!" and how I "totally come across as gay!" I told her it's just because we haven't met in person in a long time; you're just interpreting my messages in a weird way.

She says again how weird it is that I'm not gay. Then I say in jest, "I suppose now you don't want to be friends. lol." I waited for a reply for a while, and it took so long I fell asleep.

The next morning I found this in my inbox: "It's just weird is all. I am a little uncomfortable talking to you just out of respect for my boyfriend."


I told her it's not like I'm trying to hook up with her, and honestly I've never done anything to make her think that.

I haven't had a reply yet, and I resent my message yesterday in case it never even got through.
I know it's a little early to judge, and she is prone to losing phones, so maybe she's just unavailable.

I'll wait for a reply, or anything, but I really think I may have been 'dumped' over this. I'm quite steamed!:frown1:

 

[deleted87637]

You Poor Baby! This might not help you feel any better, but now you know what it feels like to be gay ( in an assbackward sort of a way). Anyone who is gay can tell you what it's like to have friends that you have known for years dump you because they find out about your sexual preference. It really sucks, but the thing about it is, obviously these people were never real friends to begin with.

 

[Zero_Cool]

You Poor Baby! This might not help you feel any better, but now you know what it feels like to be gay ( in an assbackward sort of a way). Anyone who is gay can tell you what it's like to have friends that you have known for years dump you because they find out about your sexual preference. It really sucks, but the thing about it is, obviously these people were never real friends to begin with.

I had a gay friend in high school tell me about that kind of rejection when he came out. This incident certainly helps understand the feeling (not that I can ever know exactly what it's like.)

It came as such a big shock-- one minute there's this person I consider a good friend that exchanges some of her deepest secrets with me, then WAM! they're on my "Asshole" list.

 

[D_Ireonsyd_Colonrinse]

I know a lot of girls (women) who simply feel more comfortable in the company of gay men than with straight guys. This girl you were having the online relationship with (whatever the dynamics of that relationship is/was) has a boyfriend. So, sexually, she's hooked up.

There is an interesting thread here though -- about why it is that certain women like to hang around with, goof off with, shoot the shit with gay men. "Fag hag" is an ugly term... but I've known many, many chicks whose guy friends are almost exclusively gay. Kind of a Will and Grace thing. There's no sexual tension. Benefit of a male friend without the damned penis rearing its ugly head.

Somebody should really start a thread about the special relationships that straight girls & primarily gay guys can sometimes have. They can be incrediibly strong and poignant and unique.

 

[nubian]

I'm sorry. She's an idiot for saying that to you.

 

[Zero_Cool]

I know a lot of girls (women) who simply feel more comfortable in the company of gay men than with straight guys...
There is an interesting thread here though -- about why it is that certain women like to hang around with, goof off with, shoot the shit with gay men. "Fag hag" is an ugly term... but I've known many, many chicks whose guy friends are almost exclusively gay. Kind of a Will and Grace thing. There's no sexual tension. Benefit of a male friend without the damned penis rearing its ugly head.

I didn't think about that... I guess because it's just the first time I've met someone like that.

Ugh, now I'm all "understanding" and "sympathising." She felt secure telling me all the things she told me, because in her mind I wasn't on the 'dark side'. Now she feels maybe embarassed or stupid for not asking before, and trusting someone she wouldn't normally trust.

Now I understand WHY she did this... Still don't like it though! :frown1: She was a very cool girl.

 

[D_Tintagel_Demondong]

I know a lot of girls (women) who simply feel more comfortable in the company of gay men than with straight guys. This girl you were having the online relationship with (whatever the dynamics of that relationship is/was) has a boyfriend. So, sexually, she's hooked up.

There is an interesting thread here though -- about why it is that certain women like to hang around with, goof off with, shoot the shit with gay men. "Fag hag" is an ugly term... but I've known many, many chicks whose guy friends are almost exclusively gay.

I prefer "Fruit fly".

Kind of a Will and Grace thing. There's no sexual tension. Benefit of a male friend without the damned penis rearing its ugly head.

Somebody should really start a thread about the special relationships that straight girls & primarily gay guys can sometimes have. They can be incredibly strong and poignant and unique.

I think that there are quite a few women who are afraid of sex. They may have been molested, teased, or just have appearance issues. I doubt that they'd be very comfortable with sex. Gay men are safe; A woman can have a relationship with a man without the risk of having sex.

I remember how many of the most beautiful girls in school mostly had gay male friends. I guess that the straight girls were jealous and the straight men were too sexually aggressive with them.

 

[jeff black]

I agree with Rec's point... and I've noticed something else as well.

Men can be kind of jealous. Especially over their women. I imagine that women prefer the company of gay men because they can have the comfort of their man and not have to worry that they are causing issues within the relationship.

 

[jeff black]

And side note, she's probably just uncomfortable having a straight guy around. Maybe she's attracted to you, but knew she wouldn't be able to hold herself back now that you are straight?

 

[D_Bob_Crotchitch]

I am sorry you are hurting but a true friend wouldn't treat you like that.

Rec3000, I can't believe you used your nick for me on that post. Just because I buzz your lemons, tsk tsk :wink:

 

[Zero_Cool]

And side note, she's probably just uncomfortable having a straight guy around. Maybe she's attracted to you, but knew she wouldn't be able to hold herself back now that you are straight?

Hmm, hadn't thought of that...

Am I considering it a possible excuse because my ego is in the way, or does that actually make sense? :tongue:

 

[D_Ireonsyd_Colonrinse]

I remember I spent the entire summer after high school & before college living in San Francisco. I met this girl named Marilyn in a gay bar. She was completely heterosexual but because of sexual issues (she was raped twice), she only hung out with gay dudes.

I spent that whole summer going to movies with her, getting drunk with her at bars in the Castro district. She had a loft in the Noe Valley, and I'd spend entire weekends with her. She was really attractive, but I never told her about any hetero feelings I might have. I kinda knew that this might upset the balance of the friendship. She was a really funky, original chick -- and I miss those weekend sleepovers at her place, maiking popcorn and curling up into bed watching old movies together.

 

[jeff black]

Hmm, hadn't thought of that...

Am I considering it a possible excuse because my ego is in the way, or does that actually make sense? :tongue:

It's your ego, dude... but it's not exactly unlikely. I mean, logically, she could have had a crush on you in the typical...forgive me, faghag way... and when she found out that you were straight, it might have scared her into thinking she could be unfaithful.

Or maybe she's just not comfortable with a ton of straight men.:smile:

 

[Principessa]

You weren't dumped for being straight. You were dumped because she values her life. Her boyfriend is a jealous butthead who probably trys to control her every move.

Yes, I'm jumping to conclusions but I have good reason. :frown1:

quote=Zero_Cool;1907773]I haven't posted in a long time, but I've been lurking around recently and I think you all might find this interesting.

I recently got back in touch with a girl from high school, over the internet. We talked a lot on Myspace, she often told me about her relationship problems, and we would communicate pretty regularly (almost every day.) Then we started texting, and we'd try to make plans for lunch or just hanging out, but our schedules were very different and it never worked out.

That happens it's not a big deal.

She starts going on about how that's, "So Weird!" and how I "totally come across as gay!" I told her it's just because we haven't met in person in a long time; you're just interpreting my messages in a weird way.

She says again how weird it is that I'm not gay. Then I say in jest, "I suppose now you don't want to be friends. lol." I waited for a reply for a while, and it took so long I fell asleep.

That would have been a good time to admit you are bi.

The next morning I found this in my inbox: "It's just weird is all. I am a little uncomfortable talking to you just out of respect for my boyfriend."

I had a friend who dated a guy like that once. I was the only one of her girlfriends of which he approved. When they broke up he stalked her, kidnapped her, beat and kicked her so bad she was in the hospital for two weeks. They thought she might never be able to have children then dumped her on the sidewalk in front of the ER at a local hospital. Did I mention he was the one that broke off the engagement after two years? :wtf2:

I told her it's not like I'm trying to hook up with her, and honestly I've never done anything to make her think that.

I don't doubt that at all. You are not the problem here, her boyfriend is.

I haven't had a reply yet, and I resent my message yesterday in case it never even got through. I know it's a little early to judge, and she is prone to losing phones, so maybe she's just unavailable.

Yeah, I'm sorry that happend to you, but she didn't lose her phone. And you aren't getting together with her for lunch. :frown1:

I'll wait for a reply, or anything, but I really think I may have been

'dumped' over this. I'm quite steamed!:frown1:[/quote] Don't be steamed, be worried. :frown1:

 

[TomSchmo]

just give her some time to cool off, dont bother trying to argue with her. theres nothing you can really do...its just one of those "shit happens" situations.

 

[deleted87637]

Straight women enjoy gay men because we are sensitive to their needs and we are caring. Gay men enjoy straight women for the same reasons. In this type friendship you can reveal your true feelings about any and everything, and no subject is taboo. Nobody has any hidden agenda. A true Platonic relationship is very precious thing.

 

[Penis Aficionado]

I hope NJ is not right, but I'm afraid she probably is. When a girl feels she cannot have straight male friends out of respect for her boyfriend, there is a problem there.

 

[Zero_Cool]

Straight women enjoy gay men because we are sensitive to their needs and we are caring. Gay men enjoy straight women for the same reasons. In this type friendship you can reveal your true feelings about any and everything, and no subject is taboo. Nobody has any hidden agenda. A true Platonic relationship is very precious thing.

You don't need to be gay to have those skills. But I see your point- that's what she expected.

I had a lot of platonic girl friends in high school, maybe that's why she thought I was gay? I was very friendly with girls, and barely talked to guys.



NJ, maybe you're right-- so if she contacts me again and let's say she wants to talk, but she's still not comfortable, should I continue communicating with her? Or should I try to stay away because I'd be allowing her to put herself in danger (and possibly myself)?

 

[NorthernStar]

Well I agree with what everyone has said, this happens to gay guys all the time and it sucks. If you give her time to cool off and forget about everything maybe she'll hear your side of the story. Even though you hate talking on the phone you might have to, not sure you can explain on text. If that doesn't work and you do have an opening in the friend dept. I'd love to be considered for the position. ;-)

 

[AsA3DollarBill]

In the "fag hag" vs. "fruit fly" debate, my college friends and I decided they had slightly different meanings. A fag hag is a woman who wants to sleep with her gay friend. On WILL & GRACE, Grace is a fag hag. If Will came home one day and said he wanted to try being straight, Grace would be all over it. A fruit fly (also called a fairy tail) is a woman who likes hanging out with gay men but has *no* interest in them. Karen is a fruit fly; if Jack said he wanted to try being straight with her, she'd slap him silly until he came to his senses. And then they'd go pick up men together.

As for being dumped by your female friend, that's crap. Although you aren't apparently 100% straight, and being honest about this will probably be necessary to mend things, if for no other reason than it'll reduce her embarrassment for "mistakenly" thinking that you've been gay all this time.

I'll be honest and say as a gay man I've been in a situation where I thought an acquaintance of mine was gay, and when I found out he was straight I just couldn't be friends with him. Years ago in college, I met him through a gay guy, and we were hanging out at a friend's house. Our mutual friend and some others were doing ecstasy, all of whom were gay guys and straight gals, as far as I knew. But he and I don't do drugs, and we ended up sitting on a couch and talking until 8am.

I figured out quickly that he wasn't interested in me, but the conversation flowed easily. We discussed religion, politics, drug policy, movies, sci-fi/fantasy books and hobbies that we share, and so on. And after 12 hours of this, just as I was getting ready to leave, he made some off-hand comment about a girl he was recently seeing. I was flabberghasted. I figured he must be bi, but he said he was straight, and that he gets hit on by guys all the time. But he'd previously dated one of the women in the house, and he had two other potential girlfriends in the making currently.

We swapped books we had recommended to each other several times, but we never had anything nearly as interesting as that first night of conversation. If he had been gay or bi I'm sure we would've become friends, but I just couldn't get past the fact that I felt so foolish by thinking he was gay through a half-a-day of conversation. And I still have a small part of me that thinks I wasn't fooled and that he isn't exclusively straight. And embarrassment and suspicion don't form a good basis for a friendship.