Friends with Beds

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dirrtyminded, Jun 4, 2010.

  1. dirrtyminded

    dirrtyminded Member

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    Hi ladies and gents,

    Tonight something uh, interesting happened between a close friend and I. I have posted something about my best female friend's short marriage that seems to be coming to an end in response to another poster's thread.
    My best friend, who happens to be a woman is going through a rough patch in her life, what with her and her husband not talking, not having sex for numerous months (she told me why in explicit detail) and now not living together compounded with the recent death of her Aunt who she was really close to.
    I try to be there for her, I visit her when I can after work or on weekends and we've been talking very often lately. I just let her know that I along with her other friends care about her and are willing to give her a shoulder to lean on.

    Anyway tonight I visited her after work seeing as I had to work and she was at her Aunt's viewing today. We talked, drank a little wine and were very open with each other. At some point in our conversation she asked me if I "thought that she'd be able to be with another guy that would understand her and be there for her and be passionate towards her?".
    I told her that she would and not to worry about that because she's NEVER had a problem meeting guys, its just a matter of choosing the right one.
    I realized that it was getting really late and told her that I should get going, to which she replied, "You were just saying that because you're supposed to. Why didn't I marry you?"

    I kissed her on her forehead and said jokingly, "We'd probably drive each other nuts if we were together."
    She looked up at me and asked me to stay the night with her.
    She didn't mention anything about not driving because I was drinking or anything. After thinking about her request for a split second I told her that I had to go home and shower since I had been in the same clothes all day. She told me that I could take a shower in her room and that she'd put my clothes in the wash.
    I assumed I'd sleep on the couch, but even still I didn't feel right about it.
    I told her I'd spend time with her tomorrow and then she hugged and kissed me before I left.

    Even before she was married I wouldn't have dared to sleep over at her place whether or not her man was there. I know that she is feeling lonely and she enjoys my company and emotional support, but I just didn't feel right about sleeping over at her place. I will always be there for her, but something about the way she asked me to stay with her felt odd. Maybe it was all in my head mixed with the alcohol, I don't know.

    Was I wrong to turn down her offer?
     
    #1 dirrtyminded, Jun 4, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2010
  2. maxcok

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    No, you were very wise. You're right, she's feeling lonely and vulnerable, and you were both drinking.

    Sex always changes things. Don't be a rebound lover, it's not worth risking your friendship.

    She needs your emotional support right now.
     
  3. L_Lynn

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    Ditto.
    When I went through my divorce, I was so low. A good friend became my rock, my support, and I mixed up my gratitude with horniness and we ended up in a relationship. Not that it was bad or that we were totally wrong for each other, but in the end, I had grown and changed and didn't have the same needs anymore. The relationship ended with some bitterness. It's great to have a friend to help you through but it's not the right time for anything more.

    Great job on doing the right thing.
     
  4. BigDallasDick8x6

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    I guess I'm just a horndog. I would have done it.
     
  5. wellhung9

    wellhung9 New Member

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    hahahaha.

    To the OP, I am not clear on if she wants to get back with her husband. I know they aren't talking, but what's going on there. I don't think she would be using you as a rebound, because it sounds like she genuinely likes you and has strong feelings for you. Maybe I'm reading it wrong, and it was the wine talking that night? I think it was a good idea to not do it that night in case it was. the question is, do you have feelings for her? If you do, see if she still gives you signals, although they won't be as obvious since you kind of rejected her that night.
     
  6. maxcok

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    Yes you are, and yes you would. You have no boundaries, but we love that about you. :biggrin2:


    OP, don't listen to him, listen to this wise woman:
    hey darlin!
     
  7. Rodin2008

    Rodin2008 Member

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    I would of done it she talking about not having sex with her husband for a long time most likely he is doing it some where else!! But I would of taken it to my place instead! It would of given her time to think is this what she really want to do? Because regardless if she is having a rocky relationship with her husband sexually an emotionally it all just a matter of time before she leaves Jim and go to the arms of another man! So be a good friend and drill her good!!!!
     
  8. maxcok

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    Yes, cause all any woman ever really wants or needs is a good drilling, right?

    And that's what friends are for. Works out for you too. Perfect. :rolleyes:



    (Consider the source.)
     
  9. Viking_UK

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    It's definitely not a good idea to get physically involved with her right now - or not if you want to keep her as a friend later. She sounds pretty vulnerable, and that coupled with the drink makes it a definite mistake. I'd say she needs you more as a friend than a lover for the time being.

    Chances are she feels a little embarrassed about it now, but better that than to wake up together and be embarrassed and regret it, or worse, her say that you took advantage of her.

    If you want a more involved relationship with her, give it a while. Let her recover from her aunt's death and try to sort out what's going on with her marriage. That way, you'll know you're not just the man who was there when she was drunk and horny.
     
  10. Fanuc

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    You did the right thing
     
  11. D_Sparroe Spongecaques

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    I fully agree!!!
     
  12. dirrtyminded

    dirrtyminded Member

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    Oh sorry, in regards to her feelings to her husband, she doesn't want anything to do with him. She thinks he's a coward for not talking to her verbally, only through text messages or by having his mom/dad call her. She texted him the night her Aunt died and he responded with "Give your family my condolences, I'm sorry.", which is the exact same text that the rest of her family received, so I don't know.
    Based on what she's told me even before they stopped living together, she no longer felt attracted to him or felt connected to him.

    Honestly I did have a crush on her when we first met, but I put that feeling aside since she was dating the guy that later became her husband. I care deeply for her and trust her because she's been a great friend to me when I really needed one. I'm her only guy friend, this has been said not only by her, but by her girl friends. The funny thing is that she didn't always kiss & hug me, but when she did I assumed that she did that with all her guy friends, but I later was told that I was the only guy next to her man that she ever did that with. We used to work together and we were practically work spouses, we were always really comfortable around each other. Even after she got married she still treated me the same way and would hug and kiss me on the cheek, sometimes in front of co-workers, who would later ask me, "Isn't she married?".
     
    #12 dirrtyminded, Jun 4, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2010
  13. nicenycdick

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    Love your new avatar! I imagine you look great with your feet up in the air like that...

    Great shoes, btw.
     
  14. nicenycdick

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    I can tell from how you speak of her that you do love her. And I don't mean as just a friend. You are right to be cautious. It would be horrible to lose a great friend because your gave in to rebound sex. But you can not dismiss the possibility that you are passing up an opportunity to truly connect with your soulmate.

    Here is how I see it:

    1. You love her. It is obvious.

    2. You are cautious because you feel both vulnerable with her and do not want to lose her in your life.

    3. You are rightly concerned that her present attention may be due to her current situation and not to some sudden recognition on her part that you are the "one".

    4. Let a little time go by. Then date her. I mean actually call her and ask her out on a date. Not a friendship thing...a real date. Do not sleep with her immediately. See if you can reconnect with her on that level.

    5. Take it slow. Real slow.

    6. If you see that there is something real for you to pursue...do it.

    Life is short. Don't pass up the chance to be with the one you were meant to be with.

    And good luck.
     
  15. g_whiz

    g_whiz New Member

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    I think he put it best. Sexual intamacy is nice, but in this case it'd be a temporary fix in leiu of relationship stablilty.
     
  16. wellhung9

    wellhung9 New Member

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    To the OP, if you like her and she likes you, and doesn't want anything to do with her husband i say you guys go for it. Take it slow, like others have said and see if it works.
     
  17. maxcok

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    This is very good advice. Depending on how things progress with her and her situation with the ex, I'd give it a good 3-6 months minimum before taking it to the next level. Women have been known to change their minds and rekindle a relationship, even a bad one, and that would get really messy. In the meantime, you can talk with her and explain that for now - because you care about her - it would be best if you focused on supporting her as a friend without muddying the waters. Best of luck.
     
  18. thetramp

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    You are in a bad spot nicenycdick.
    You obviously girl for that girl, and you obviously are very attracted to her and you still had a platonic relationship, i myself are very careful not to get me into such a situation, but if you are able to handle it, alright.

    The problem now is that if you go for more than the friendship you risk losing her, to re establish a platonic relationship after you gave it up for a sexual relationship is really tough. But then again she is very vulnerable right now, which for one is not only a reason not to take advantage of that and sleep with her, but also makes it difficult to turn her down if she continues to pursue.

    Thats a tough conversation waiting to happen right there.
    And i agree that the best solution would be to tell her that you feel very flattered and attracted but don't want to risk the friendship and you would be more comfortable to go on slowly, giving her time to clear her head and understand what she really wants.
    Sure you risk that she changes her mind, and you are back to the old role, but if you think you can handle the platonic relationship with her it is certainly the best way to go, and i think still leaves the best chance to developing something more there.
     
  19. HiddenLacey

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    You were definitely right to leave. Why risk your friendship when she is vunerable? If you are interested the best thing you can do is be her friend right now. She might need time to find herself again after her marriage You were there, you were safe and you were comfortable. So, it sounds to me like she just needed you. Maybe she didn't want to be alone. She may really be interested in you, but it is best to take it slow when someone is coming out of an unhappy relantionship.
     
  20. BigDallasDick8x6

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    Awwww. You say the sweetest things......
     
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