Friends With Exes

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deleted140118

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Is anyone close friends with a past hook up or ex? Is it weird when people are friends with their exes or past hookups?

Hahaha I think it's super weird to be friends with an ex mostly based on the emotional connection that was created during the relationship. I also think it’s disrespectful to the next relationship. Minus those relationships with children involved.
 

jaybee0560

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I'm friends with a couple of my ex's for different reasons. one is because we have kids together and so, it just works better this way .. others because even tho we don't have "lets date" feelings for each other, we still get along. The reason I don't keep in touch with ex's is usually because whatever broke us up has left residual feelings that make me want to have as little to do with them as possible. Nothing about respect for any current relationship or partner I may or may not have. I fail to see how maintaining a friendship with an ex is disrespectful to any new partner you might have - sounds crazy possessive/controlling/insecure ...
 
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deleted140118

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I'm friends with a couple of my ex's for different reasons. one is because we have kids together and so, it just works better this way .. others because even tho we don't have "lets date" feelings for each other, we still get along. The reason I don't keep in touch with ex's is usually because whatever broke us up has left residual feelings that make me want to have as little to do with them as possible. Nothing about respect for any current relationship or partner I may or may not have. I fail to see how maintaining a friendship with an ex is disrespectful to any new partner you might have - sounds crazy possessive/controlling/insecure ...

Thank you for your opinion. I guess I’m not use to something like that. I mentioned disrespectful based on any feelings of intimacy that was once there. Psychologically, the bridge between having that emotional connection as a lover and friend is very similar. I respect everyone and at the end of the day, “To each their own.”
 
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jaybee0560

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Thank you for your opinion. I guess I’m not use to something like that. I mentioned disrespectful based on any feelings of intimacy that was once there. Psychologically, the bridge between having that emotional connection as a lover and friend is very similar. I respect everyone and at the end of the day, “To each their own.”
I'm still not really understanding the "Based on any feelings of intimacy that was once there".. - what does this actually mean?.. why should past feeling a person had for someone have any relevance to how they feel about their current partner?.. I'm fine with accepting that people have had intimate relationships in the past, not having contact with those people doesn't change that, unless I am worried that they still have existing feelings towards that other person (in which case, that would be a stand alone separate issue) .. I'm at a loss to find why this is disrespectful ?
 
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tito21

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Depends! That depends really. And i’m not talking about the adult diaper.

If the relationship ended in an amicable way because it ran its course; people grew apart, change in lifestyle or wanting different goals in life - starting a family vs not wanting one at all.
Then yeah, I would stay in contact and would still be besties with my ex. After all, he knew me inside and out. Heck, he could drop by my place and dick me down (for old time sake) during off period when we aren’t seeing/dating other people.

On the other hand. If the relationship ended with him cheating, stealing from me or purposely hurting me in any way. Then HELL NAW! The bastard is pretty much as good as dead to me. Like a mirror, once it has been shattered, you could never piece it back again. I would cut him out of my life, no second chance! I may turn up to his funeral and spit on his grave after his funeral reception (after I have enjoyed the free non- alcoholic beverages and rolled my eyes at his carcass at the altar).
 

tito21

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I'm friends with a couple of my ex's for different reasons. one is because we have kids together and so, it just works better this way .. others because even tho we don't have "lets date" feelings for each other, we still get along. The reason I don't keep in touch with ex's is usually because whatever broke us up has left residual feelings that make me want to have as little to do with them as possible. Nothing about respect for any current relationship or partner I may or may not have. I fail to see how maintaining a friendship with an ex is disrespectful to any new partner you might have - sounds crazy possessive/controlling/insecure ...

I agree!

I wouldn’t hate or resent my bf/husband’s ex. If my guy wanted to stay in contact and be friends with his ex, go for it. Heck, i might even become besties with my guy’s ex. There would be so much to talk/gossip about, we would dirty talk about my guy right in front of him like he’s a piece of meat. After all, we slept with the same guy but he is sleeping with me now! So I wouldn’t be jealous at all.
 
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jaybee0560

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I agree!

I wouldn’t hate or resent my bf/husband’s ex. If my guy wanted to stay in contact and be friends with his ex, go for it. Heck, i might even become besties with my guy’s ex. There would be so much to talk/gossip about, we would dirty talk about my guy right in front of him like he’s a piece of meat. After all, we slept with the same guy but he is sleeping with me now! So I wouldn’t be jealous at all.

I guess my broader point is that I would probably resent my current partner if they started getting pissy about who I choose to hang around with regardless of whether they were my ex's or just regular friends - its just ridiculous controlling bullshit. You are either secure in your relationship or you're not and need to exercise some level of control over your partner so you feel comfortable .. this is a huge red flag for me.
 

Andrue

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I am friends with my ex from the '80s. We chat on WhatsApp regularly - he lives in Spain now and I'm still here in Canada so we don't get to see each other that much.

Our split up was a little dramatic but after a few years we got back in touch and found we could get passed all the drama we generated back when we were essentially immature back in our mid 20's.

Our current BBfsre both generally OK with the fact we keep in touch, my BF often asks about him and looks forward to finally meeting once this COVID shit settles down. He and his BF have been together for decades so there's no real reason to think we'll be starting up together again anytime.

We're just really good close friends with a fair bit of history, we care about each other, keep in touch online regularly, and are just comfortable old buddies.

I wouldn't trade this current relationship we've grown into for anything. And if my BF was not ok with this, we'd have a serious issue to iron out. Fortunately, he is quite fine with it.
 
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canadian_guy486

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Sadly no. When I started dating my current bf he would get really insecure about me having any form of contact with anyone I was with previously. Even just being Facebook friends with them was an issue. So I deleted and cut everyone out, and to be honest it makes me sad. I have zero gay friends now. Not everyone I had sex with or just went on a date or two with was someone that I never wanted to talk to again. Some of them I genuinely enjoyed knowing and talking to. But I saw how much it bothered my bf, so I felt an obligation to cut them out. I definitely miss some of them, not in a sexual way, but just as a friend or confidant I can talk to when I get into an argument with my bf, or just to chat with for advice etc.
 
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deleted1074483

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I used to live in Brighton and dated several guys from the same 'friendship pool' so everyone already knew each other and we continued to all be involved in the same activities ( local gay chorus etc) after, so i think if you meet guys that way then so long as you've not had a major type break up its not an issue.
I'm still pretty close to my previous two long term ex's, they call me up and we whatsapp, not lots but maybe every few months, and they still ask my advice. We split for 'good' reasons (if there can be) and didn't hate each other and i'd spent 7+ years with each.
my current bf was aware of this and we discussed it fully together and he's fine with it, due to covid etc he's never met them, so that will be an interesting narrative when it happens.
One of my other long term ex's found a new partner and HE kept coming on to me even though he was in a new relationship ( and yes i may have met up to have sex - i was single and young so was an ego thing for me) and he stopped at my home with a new partner - my then new partner was of the mind to 'prove' i'd moved on and so engaged me with a long noisy sex session - i think that pissed off the ex a lot - but thats been the only time its ever been an issue as such. I think that's where the OPs comment about being disrespectful comes in to play?
But life and relationships are complicated and living in small towns can further complicate this, so i think its just about everyone being grown up about it?
 
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Infernal

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I've kept in touch with many of my ex's over the years. Mostly the relationships ended because we realized we had different life goals in mind and they weren't compatible with each other, or there just wasn't any spark between us to sustain it long term. In those cases, we just shook hands and went on with our lives. We're both adults and realized that it wasn't working on a romantic level so it was best to part as friends. There are two that I won't ever speak to again, but I haven't seen or heard from either in decades so it doesn't matter.

One boyfriend I've stayed friends with and my husband had a hard time coming to terms with it. We were just friends when my husband and I met. We hadn't been together in 8 years and things had just settled into a comfortable friendship. My hubby felt threatened by it at times and there were a few times I had to remind my friend of his place. Thirteen years after I met my husband, and 20 years after breaking up with the previous boyfriend, everyone gets along just fine. I think his issue was that he never had a nice breakup and couldn't understand still being friends with an ex.