Friendship question

[B_thickjohnny]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years two months ago. I need to mention this for background and then get to my question.

He swears up and down that nothing is going on with the guy he met on Gayromeo; that it's only friendship even though they spend a lot of time together, go off for day trips or a weekend away.

A week ago the friend said to him "thanks for a nice time in .... Sorry for the blueballs" I asked him about the comment and his reply was that they walked a lot that day and since he had surgery for a varicocele two years ago, his balls still ache when standing or walking a lot. I called bullshit because no one would use the term blueballs if it was strictly about ball pain.

Anyway, it came out that they wank together. No sex and my ex says that wanking (and oral) are not sex. Only penetration is sex according to him. He thinks it's fine for friends to JO together and apparently he's done this with other so called friends he's met!!

I beg to differ. I think that anything that involves genital contact is, in some way, sex. Moreover, I don't think that friends wank together. I don't JO with any of my friends.

Now that we are exes he thinks it's ok for us to wank together too. He doesn't want full on sex, just laying together jerking off. The other night he invited me over for dinner and a movie. We had a nice dinner together and he started the movie. As it started he took off his pants and sat down. I was sitting there fully dressed as he played with himself (hand in his briefs). He then reached over for my hand and tried to place it on his crotch. I pulled away and told him no. It's not something interesting for me. I don't understand his behavior.

I really don't understand this and would appreciate some of your insights.

 

[MrToolhung]

It sounds like he wants something like friends with benefits situation. But in regards to your background info why do you care so much about what he is doing with other guys he has met? Do you still have feelings for him?

 

[B_thickjohnny]

I won't lie. There are some emotions still there but the biggest issue is him talking like we will eventually be back together. He talks about vacation together, Christmas with my family this year, buying a condo together. At the same time, he talks about renewing his current lease on his apartment. He also doesn't see an issue with him and "Steve" continuing their friendship. I see it as a major problem IF we were to ever get back together especially knowing that there are JO sessions whenever they meet. He doesn't see having a Gayromeo profile as a problem either. I do. When we met, I deleted the profiles I had on line. Maybe it's something that needs to be discussed. It's a matter of trust I guess.

 

[flame boy]

Sadly this is a situation of two people with two different outlooks on the same relationship. I am guessing you agreed to be exclusive to one another while you were together? Sometimes you need to lay down the ground rules otherwise a situation like this can occur. He doesn't feel he is doing anything wrong because he doesn't know you considered it a bad thing. The issue about "what consistutes sex" is another topic where everyone has a different point of view.

If these events with "Steve" occured when you were broken up then I see no issue with them, your ex can do as he pleases as he is no longer in a relationship. I also don't see any harm with having online profiles etc, but that's just me. The blue balls comments again to me seems like an innocuous thing to say but even if it isn't - you are no longer together so he isn't commiting any crime. He may very well still want to be friends with you and these JO meetings he has are simply a platonic thing for him, it's not uncommon at all.

I think this is obviously emotionally confusing for you - try to think of him as a friend, perhaps the feelings that remain for him as "the ex-boyfriend" are clouding your judgement. You obviously need to talk to him as you are both seeing the same situations from two very different stand points.

 

[SpeedoMike]

probably time to move on, regardless of how much it hurts.

 

[Bbucko]

I've found that, once the acute pain of the breakup subsides, exes make great occasional fuckbuds. You've just got to limit the emotional commitment to the here-and-now.

 

[Sergeant_Torpedo]

clingy?

 

[Brick7]

What are you doing? You broke up with him. Why are you having dinner and watching a movie with him? His little wanking game was his way of trying to rekindle things between you and him.
Stop seeing him. Stop talking to him. Don't take his calls. Delete his emails. Don't be around him. A clean break would be far better than this "Let's be friends" crap. Do you really want to be in his life as a "friend" and watch him move on with other men? That's the proverbial "pouring salt on the wound". Get away from him.
The sooner he is out of your life completely, the sooner you will have room in your life for someone to come into it and give you the love and respect you deserve.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

clingy?

On which side?

For me, I'm trying to separate from him. I've told him there's no going back. I've tried not answering the phone or the text messages. He shows up at my front door saying he's worried about me because I didn't take his calls. I told him it was inappropriate for him to come over like that and he left "hurt". He showed up at Sunday brunch, which was something we did every Sunday with a group of friends. Then as we left he asked me if it hurt me that he didn't sit next to me. WTF is his deal? Today he wanted to have lunch. I said no. Of course he texted me asking if I was ok. He complains that I never call or text him; that he's the one making the effort to stay friends. I tell him I want/need space to heal and maybe later we can be friends. He said he can't do it - stop communicating. I told him he should have thought of that BEFORE he started cheating on me 6 months ago.

I've never experienced a break up like this one. It's definitely one for the books.

 

[Stephenmass]

First off, I always thought blue balls was one wanting to have sex but NOT having it satisfied, thus the blue balls????

Anyway, not that it matters Johnny but it seems the two of you have two different ideas of what a relationship is and what sex is (and isn't). I lean to your side when it comes to sex. He isn't former President Clinton.

You on the other hand enjoy the exclusivity of being totally monogamous to a partner and I understand that because that is just like me. He, on the other hand seems to want to "open the relationship" but keep the relationship at the same time.

I wouldn't go back with him because I think the way you do. I'm not saying he is wrong; he would be better suited with a partner that doesn't mind open relationships.

If you want monogamy, stay away from him.

 

[dolfette]

you need a restraining order on this guy.

 

[Sklar]

There's a reason why he's an ex.

Never take him back.

Sklar

 

[B_thickjohnny]

First off, I always thought blue balls was one wanting to have sex but NOT having it satisfied, thus the blue balls????

Anyway, not that it matters Johnny but it seems the two of you have two different ideas of what a relationship is and what sex is (and isn't). I lean to your side when it comes to sex. He isn't former President Clinton.

You on the other hand enjoy the exclusivity of being totally monogamous to a partner and I understand that because that is just like me. He, on the other hand seems to want to "open the relationship" but keep the relationship at the same time.

I wouldn't go back with him because I think the way you do. I'm not saying he is wrong; he would be better suited with a partner that doesn't mind open relationships.

If you want monogamy, stay away from him.

Yeah. The blue balls thing really made me laugh. Ok, ex is a Czech and does not fully understand American slang but the guy he was with, who said that, IS ALSO AN AMERICAN! I said that the guy knew 200% what he was saying because he KNEW what happened. You got hot and heavy and it didn't conclude - hence blue balls! He swears up and down it was nothing more than him walking too much that day. I called bullshit. I said, I really don't care if you did anything with the guy. There are no strings here; it's the fucking lying that's annoying me. He gets caught every single time.

Anyway, thanks again to everyone here for the comments. I know what needs to be done - I do. I know it doesn't make sense but he's not having any part of the "no communication" thing. He says that he just can't and won't do it. So I'm just keeping my distance as much as I can.

 

[helgaleena]

What dolfette said. He doesn't think "No means No..." ? as an American you must be aware of that slogan.

 

[lopo2000]

I also never thought that friends JO together until I found this forum. Maybe your ex was honestly just thinking that JO together is a big turnon?

 

[B_thickjohnny]

I get the impression that he wants "something" with me but I'm not sure that he knows what it is. He keeps saying that we had almost 4 years together. He still expects me to call when I go out of town on a business trip to let him know I arrived safely. He talks about holidays together. I think he realized that he messed up doing what he did (cheating) instead of talking about what his gripes were. He says he wanted/needed independence. Ok, no problem. You can live somewhere else but remain in a monogamous relationship. As one friend told me, he can see Steve but only as a daytime friend (lunch, coffee) but no more movie nights. Ex doesn't seem to think movie nights are problematic. He's a little thick in the head sometimes! (I know you'll say I am too - I'm waiting for it!)

 

[helgaleena]

If you two are no longer able to live together, I don't think expecting monogamy with each other is very practical-- or reasonable.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

I agree but it's still difficult for me. Just this morning I can see from his "usual" online places that he probably didn't sleep at home last night. I know that I shouldn't care but it still hurts to think of it. On the other hand, I want to go out and meet people and maybe ask them to stay over one night. It's the goose-gander thing. If it's ok for me, I should be ok with it for him. Still....

 

[dolfette]

ffs! stop checking up on him!
stop looking at his online places and checking the times.
it's really just not healthy.

 

[L_egit]

I think you need to stop asking what your ex wants out of you and focus on what you want out of him. If you can't get what you want, drop it and move on. Cyberstalking the guy isn't going to make you feel better.

Go distract yourself. Find a book you wanted to read. Bike up some mountain trails. Cry when you feel like you need to, but only give yourself 15 minutes of self pity, then move on.

Your ex isn't responsible for keeping you in tip-top shape. You are. So go out and live harder and better than him as your sweet revenge instead of trying to spy on him.