Friendship question

[flame boy]

I'm going to agree with the others and suggest that you move on from this guy. Checking out what he's doing online will only make it harder to progress past him. It'll be difficult but ultimately worth it.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

Well, things changed a bit. I've been out of town a few days on business and didn't respond to his SMSs or email. Then he sent an SMS asking if he could come over the night I returned. I replied no - maybe we could see each other in a week or so. He then sent another message saying he can't live like this anymore; he thinks he's losing me and really needs to make things better.

He came over ANYWAY and I let him in. It was a night of crying and apologies. He said he's sorry for what happened, thinks of my constantly and wants to get back together albeit slowly as if we just met and were dating before committing. I don't understand that but ok. I think he wants newness or something. We talked about what caused the infidelity in the first place. He was emphatic about the fact that he DID NOT have sex with anyone. It was meeting people, period (Ok, he said he JO'd with two guys but no full on sex).

He said that he felt caged and that he needed to feel more independent. He needs to be able to go out alone if he wants. To meet friends for a glass of wine; go to the sauna alone if he wants (he said only to watch the guys and JO alone); he said paying me rent feels strange because he's paying my mortgage. I reminded him that he's paying rent right now to someone he has no relationship with and who couldn't care less about him. He said he was tired of cooking dinner every night and not feeling I appreciated it. He said that if going to counseling together would help, he'd do it. When I told him that I'm ready to move on he started bawling - really emotionally distraught. He said he didn't care about anyone else, I was the one, blah blah blah. It was very emotional and I felt very heartfelt.

 

[dolfette]

you are such a mug.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

you are such a mug.

Yeah. I guess I am.

 

[Stephenmass]

Johnny, your screen name suits you a bit and I'm not talking about your dick!! I don't mean it offensively at all but it truly sounds to me that he will soon feel caged again. You also will never trust him when he is out by himself and he should go out occasionally alone....but when trust is gone even if he is "behaving" you're left wondering.

If he is paying rent and that fully covers your mortgage I can see why that may bug him a bit. If he is a b/f man, the least you could do is cut him a break and give him a severe discount making it cheaper for both of you. He sees it as he's feeding money into your mortgage while he gets nothing or no benefit from it except for living there. I'm not saying give him a free ride but if your mortgage is say 1000 bucks couldn't you split the cost with him along with utilities? Makes life so much easier for both of you!

Anyway, I still think the two of you want different things or expect different things from your relationships. Because of what is already happening you may even find yourself cybersnooping when he isn't around seeing if he is up to something. Noone should have to live that way if that isn't what they expect or want from the relationship. I say give it enough distance so the two of you maybe can remain good friends but not until you both have given each other enough space to figure out what each of you want from the relationship.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

Stephen, thanks for the message. First, I would NEVER expect him to pay 100% of MY mortgage - just chip in with what's affordable for him to contribute. To let you in on a secret - even he didn't know about - he was in my will as my sole beneficiary. Meaning even paying ZERO he got this condo and a commercial building I own and other investments. He would have been ok - not rolling in it but ok. Maybe he should have known that little fact and he would have ponied up a little. I know that there are feeling from my side and I got that from him the other night when he came over. I never ever meant to cage him - ever! We had this discussion when we first met and were dating. It was a major concern of mine that he would eventually want to get out and explore the other side of the hill. It was he who came home and cooked dinner every night - against me telling him he didn't have to. I cooked as well but he was always looking over my shoulder giving me instructions. I tried washing but never did it HIS way. I didn't iron the way he wanted things ironed. I just let it go and let him do things the way HE wanted. It became is internal problem that he never brought out until now. I insisted that he go out with his friends but he raced home anyway - and eventually got bored! He said the other night that he didn't know why but he was scared to bring things up. I don't understand that. I encouraged him to go out. I didn't insist that HE do the house work. I genuinely tried to do my part but he took over! Now it's coming back to bite both of us on the ass.

P.S. A friend suggested that if we get back together we can sign an agreement that his "rent" would go towards a % ownership of the condo. If he left or repeated the cheating, whatever he contributed, he forfeits. Or I could put him back in the will and let him know it this time.

 

[flame boy]

At least you guys talked about things, but personally if it was me I would move on. He obviously wants what he can't have - he wants you to be there when it's good for him and to not be there when he feels like doing his own thing. That to me is not how relationships work. If he says he felt caged in then this is usually a recurring problem, remember that a leopard can never change it's spots.

Personally, he sounds like a nightmare both emotionally and physically. I'd walk away.

 

[helgaleena]

You were that serious about him that you put him in your will. He was that trivial about you that he wanted to sleep around. Yet he thinks he's losing you and still thinks he can dictate terms? Oh no. When he's losing you is when YOU should be dictating terms. Because YOU are the injured party, and he is getting a taste of what you have shielded him from up until now.

He is going to do it all again in the future. You know this. The sex even isn't that good and you were making do because he was convenient for all these years. Johnny it's time for cold turkey.

 

[dolfette]

get some therapy. seriously.

 

[luka82]

I also never thought that friends JO together until I found this forum. Maybe your ex was honestly just thinking that JO together is a big turnon?

I believe that friends do not JO together.....nor they touch their dicks....
I have no problem if someone does that with someone else but I think the real name then is-Fuck buddy!

 

[Brick7]

He is going to do it all again in the future. You know this. The sex even isn't that good and you were making do because he was convenient for all these years. Johnny it's time for cold turkey.

Yes, what she said.
To quote pop psychologist Dr. Phil, "Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior."

 

[B_thickjohnny]

We're seeing a therapist this week. He's insisting that we do this so that someone neutral can access what we're both talking about. If the therapist tells him he's off base, he'll live with it but coming from me is not enough. He wants to get back together but on his terms. He thinks that paying any rent (even some nominal amount) goes towards my ownership and he gets nothing in return (love and affection apparently is not enough). There's always the threat that if I get upset or angry or hurt by ANYTHING he does, I can kick him out, write him out of my will - and that, in his opinion, is putting him in a box again which he doesn't like or want. He said he would delete the gay profile or suggested I get access to it to monitor what he does - like that really works - DELETE THE FUCKING THING! The gay sauna thing is the biggest question mark. He's not very sexual at all - he doesn't even like kissing (full out kissing) - so for him to go to the sauna and just watch should be ok with me. He thinks I'm the pervert because I think saunas are about sex! If I thought about going to a sauna it's because I want sex. He thinks THAT'S weird! He thinks it's the same as going to a gay dance club. Of course, I see apples and oranges.

Now, in my head, the therapist will cause the break up. She'll recommend taking time off and no contact. I'll agree to it and he won't. The therapist will probably say it's the best approach. It will be interesting to see how he reacts to her level-headed responses to his demands.

 

[Countryguy63]

Johnny,

You're going to hate this and think I'm an ass, sorry :frown1:, BUT,, sve your money on a therapist and just let him come back and do what he wants....

Sounds dumb right??, but look back at your posts...You are letting him call the shots already. You are hoping that the therapist beaks it up You are not ready to take control of your own life.

We can see it. You'll go so far as to agree with the advice here, but then make an excuse why you're doing the opposite.

No one here is going to have the majic words. I've been through enough therapists to know that they are not going to have the majic words.

Sorry bud

 

[dr_pepper]

The only time anything came up sexually with a regular friend, was while I was stationed in Japan and this friend and I were trying to figure out how we could fuck the wife of another friend. He got so worked up he pulls his dick out and started jacking it. Next thing I know, I have mine out too. After cuming, we each cleaned ourself up. He apologized for doing it and I said that there was nothing to apologize for. The subject of our doing that never came up again. I think that he was truly embarrassed, while I thought it was kind of fun.

 

[helgaleena]

Countryguy is right on. Having some authority say the words for you will not make them any more true. YOU have to want the thing yourself, enough not to let another tell you what's going to be. If you let this ex become a non-ex again, you are letting him take charge of you. He does not really care if you are happy in the relationship at all, only if you remain his servant or not.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

It's over! I caught him with the other guy again. It was only a coffee meeting at a local cafe but he didn't get that if he wanted something with me that he had to delete the profile and dump his "friend". He refused both and yesterday after catching him lying again, I told him it was over. That I gave him able opportunity to make things right and he just wanted things his way. Of course he argued that I get my way but he can't have friends. I said that this so called friend is someone he went off with behind my back, went away for a weekend with, lies about etc. This is something more than friend and since this guy is so important to you, you can have him. I'm outta here. He argued that I have friends he doesn't know. I said, he could meet anyone of of them at any time. I have no secret friends! So I told him no more communication, no texting me, no calling me, no more coming over. Nothing. He broke down and said that if he knew I was so serious he would have done it sooner (LMAO). He did delete the profile but I have no clue and frankly at this point in time, don't care what he did with "Steve". I leave for the US for a month holiday and it comes at the perfect time. One month of just me time!!

Thanks everyone for your support and advice. As tough as you were, you were all very right.

 

[dolfette]

i give it a week before you make another thread about how sorry he is.

yes, that was mean of me.

 

[helgaleena]

It's over!

I leave for the US for a month holiday and it comes at the perfect time. One month of just me time!!

Thanks everyone for your support and advice. As tough as you were, you were all very right.

You are welcome and shallow as we go, we are at least not capable of deeply deceiving. Best of luck and you deserve 'me-time' all the time, stud.... :wink: