Friendship ruined, need advice

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Viper73, Dec 29, 2011.

  1. Viper73

    Viper73 Active Member

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    Back on the 21st my best friend stopped talking to me entirely. We've been friends for a very long time and have always been pretty much inseperable. No topic has ever been off limits and we've always been open and honest with one another about anything and everything.

    I'm single recently out of a relationship which imploded - ie. she went back to her ex. He's divorced, fighting for his kids, and is in the middle of a relationship with his girlfriend that exploded.

    Since he's not speaking to me I have no idea what happened however I did notice something peculiar the weekend before.

    While doing some Christmas shopping we both got talking about our past relationships. During the course of that conversation we both came to the revalation that he slept with my fiance at the time - like 15 years ago. We didn't up getting married because my former best friend also slept with her at the church on our wedding day. My new best friend and I didn't even know each other existed back then and I had no knowledge that my fianace knew him either.

    We both literally stopped dead in our tracks and things got VERY ackward. I told him upfront immediately that I wasn't upset with him or anything because that's ancient history and I didn't even know him back then.

    We went to dinner, talked some more and I thought everything was fine. Then Wednesday I get this wierd text that just says 'leave me alone' out of the blue. A mutual friend has tried to pry out of him what is going on and he's been deliberately lying to her trying to get her upset with me too which she immediately saw through.

    I'm clueless to exactly wtf is going on. Is it possible that this knowledge is the cause? If so, how do I handle it. I value his friendship and his continued silence is killing me. I've never seen anything like this.
     
  2. D_JohnUpHerPipe

    D_JohnUpHerPipe New Member

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    Back on the 21st my best friend stopped talking to me entirely. We've been friends for a very long time and have always been pretty much inseperable. No topic has ever been off limits and we've always been open and honest with one another about anything and everything.

    I'm single recently out of a relationship which imploded - ie. she went back to her ex. He's divorced, fighting for his kids, and is in the middle of a relationship with his girlfriend that exploded.

    Since he's not speaking to me I have no idea what happened however I did notice something peculiar the weekend before.

    While doing some Christmas shopping we both got talking about our past relationships. During the course of that conversation we both came to the revalation that he slept with my fiance at the time - like 15 years ago. We didn't up getting married because my former best friend also slept with her at the church on our wedding day. My new best friend and I didn't even know each other existed back then and I had no knowledge that my fianace knew him either.

    We both literally stopped dead in our tracks and things got VERY ackward. I told him upfront immediately that I wasn't upset with him or anything because that's ancient history and I didn't even know him back then.

    We went to dinner, talked some more and I thought everything was fine. Then Wednesday I get this wierd text that just says 'leave me alone' out of the blue. A mutual friend has tried to pry out of him what is going on and he's been deliberately lying to her trying to get her upset with me too which she immediately saw through.

    I'm clueless to exactly wtf is going on. Is it possible that this knowledge is the cause? If so, how do I handle it. I value his friendship and his continued silence is killing me. I've never seen anything like this.

    SEND THIS TO HIM! Or at least parts of it. No use talking to us, it is him you need to get through to and I can assure you. Honesty is key!
     
  3. Viper73

    Viper73 Active Member

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    I've tried talking to/emailing him directly and I'm met with absolute silence. I was just curious if anyone has ran into this scenario with a friend and has any ideas how to handle it.
     
  4. fun4812

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    Wait a month,then send him a text if he doesn't respond move on.. things like this have happened to me in the past .. I have found out if it not worked out by then it may never be worked out, and me stets-n over it dosent make ut ant better
     
  5. Charles Finn

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    sadly friends come and go even best friends.
    you will just have to move on or wait till he is ready to contact you.
    it is never easy to lose a friend but time may make that easier for you
    good luck sometimes time s the worst thing I hate waiting myself but there is nothing you can do he has to work it out for himself
     
  6. nudeyorker

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    No I can honestly say I have never had this happen to me. But I think you should contact him in writing and say that your friendship is very important to you and you can understand how he might need to take a step back and examine his feelings about the past, present and future. Take this one step at a time, it's not an easy overnight fix with something like this.
     
  7. weho48

    weho48 Well-Known Member

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    Sounds like he is feeling guilty or still has feelings for her or maybe you..hmmmm well I wouldn't let it go if you value his friendship..friends are for life lovers come and go
     
  8. hotheadguy

    hotheadguy Member

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    Viper, my first advice to you is already too late: never ask a friend to intercede, because the cause may be something your best friend doesn't want to share with a third person! (Maybe it's something potentially embarrassing which you wouldn't want him to share!) Perhaps it has something to do with your former fiance, perhaps not.

    It's not uncommon for close friends, even best friends, to get angry, lose tempers, feel hurt, then turn their backs on one another. Usually, the damage is reparable after the anger dies down and the sulking wears off and the friendship can even be stronger as a result. It depends on how real and important the cause really is. But you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what it's about if you really don't know. I've been there, and several years later I'm still not sure what it was about, and probably never will. Was it something I said or did? Something that someone else said about me? A confidence we shared that he was afraid I might spill out to his fiance? A rare example of a broken friendship that was never healed, but in retrospect perhaps I was never firm enough about trying to get to the root of the problem.

    So my advice is to give your buddy a week or two to cool off, then phone him and tell him straight out that his friendship means a helluva lot to you and you'd like to meet him face to face, just the two of you, to try to sort it out. Keep cool, stay objective.

    Good luck.
     
  9. Incocknito

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    Is this the guy you were jacking off with? He probably blames you for the break up of his relationship ie if he wasn't jacking off with you he would have more emotions and time for his lady friend.
     
  10. Viper73

    Viper73 Active Member

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    Incocknito,

    It is the same friend... However the reason his current relationship is in chaos is because he caught his girlfriend cheating on him with one of her coworkers. He came home early from work to find the guy, shall we say, in mid-stroke.

    They'd just done the deed that morning before he went to work.

    He was well beyond pissed at that but I had nothing to do with it whatsoever. When he and I would goof around it was before they started dating when we both just needed to bust one.
     
  11. lvsxy808

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    You seem to have led a very complicated life.

    Going by your side of the story, it seems like he's deliberately avoiding you out of embarrassment over the old incident. Certainly you haven't described anything you did yourself that could account for the silence.

    But of course, he may tell a different story altogether. We don't know what his side of the story is.

    The only advice I can give is what the others have already said - give him every chance to understand that you have no problem with him, that you bear him no grudge. And if he refuses to come round, all you can do is leave the channels of communication open and get on with your life in the meantime.

    .
     
  12. Viper73

    Viper73 Active Member

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    Complicated is the understatement of the century!

    I can understand the whole thing with my ex-fiance throwing him for a loop. It did me as well. However, I can't understand why he deliberately would tell our mutual friend blatant lies trying to make her mad at me - and they were really obvious and poorly crafted. It just makes no sense.
     
  13. 1Cody

    1Cody Active Member

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    This kind of makes my head hurt. Like it or not there everyone is banging each other. You and your friend are jo buddies and may even have goofed around. Your friend has his gf and she is banging someone else. Years ago your friend banged your fiance or something or another. You think maybe this guy not only is feeling used, but going through a period of questioning and defining himself? We all do sometimes, you know? He may have finally realized what some of us never do. That is that sometimes sex, emotions, and relationships are very selfish. Everyone wants their own needs fulfilled. I have been where he is before. Sure he may come out of it and resume his same old ways. But he may have some kind of maturing and a change of heart. Maybe he is developing new boundaries and ground rules for his future relationships. I am guilty of sleeping with a friends gf, but he and I were very close. The sexual attraction was there even though it was never directly acted upon. There is a feeling of betrayal. It is really bad when the jealousy is because I was with her and then on the flip side of the coin the she was with me. The emotional thing would be that no matter what woman I was with my friend would feel the jealousy! Everyone needs to take a step back. Your friends taking time for himself is very necessary!
     
  14. oacliffbuddy

    oacliffbuddy New Member

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    Lots of advice here... but I question the wisdom of some of it.....(no offense to anyone).

    Can you elaborate on "talking to" him? Like over the phone or via text? If it's email or text, it's one of the drawbacks of modern day human interaction.... it provides the perfect opportunity to avoid confrontation.

    If the friendship has value to you, it might be better to show up in person and force the discussion, more than once if that's what it takes....In today's fast past, instant, non face to face communcations enviroment we live in, it's way too easy to hide behind unanswered electronic communications. It could leave you hanging....perhaps for years to come...without a clear resolution.

    Regretfully, I speak from experience.

    I lost a friendship once for reasons not related to me directly....the other person had some problems that I didn't know about and through his inability to deal with them effectively, he cut me off.

    We went two years without contact all the while thinking it was something I had done. I was insecure enough at that time to be fearful of reaching out and learning how or why I could be so easily disposable that I didn't, couldn't. So I let it go...painfully. We eventually had an emotional (mine) reconciliation when he reached out but it wasn't quite the same after that. Then later, he did it to me again. Once burned, twice......

    17 years later he reached out again via Facebook. I was not so forgiving or welcoming the second time and told him (ok, electronically via facebook because of the distance(and years)) just exactly what I was feeling and how hurt I was at the loss and asked why I should invest time and energy in knowing him. He profusely apologized explaining he had issues, later unfriended me out of the blue for no apparent reason and then just as suddenly reappeared. Today, we do minor back and forth but regrettably the closeness we once had has been irreparably harmed.

    I will forever regret not challenging him to his face the first time about what he was doing to our friendship. If I had, perhaps we'd still be close friends today. On the other hand, if I had, the friendship might still have really been over but then I wouldn't have had 17years of regret wondering what I did to cause him to stop talking to me when in reality, it really wasn't me.

    I guess my point is, if it's in you to do so, you've got nothing to lose by taking the overt face to face path towards rescuing the friendship. If the friendship has value to you, don't risk it behind a convenient way to avoid issues. Either way, you will know where you stand. To let it just lie there leaves you potentially with a lifetime of regrets and wonderings of what could have been.....

    Maybe for him too.

    I wish for the best outcome....whichever way it goes!
     
  15. monel

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    None of this makes any sense. You say that you didn't do anything to provoke your friend's behavior yet, based on the fact he has tried to turn another friend against you, he is pissed with you. His behavior is strange in the context in which you have placed it. It doesn't seem likely that the source of his ending the friendship is his having slept with your fiance years before. Something you either did or that he perceives you did caused his reaction and you won't get any answers to that here.
     
  16. Viper73

    Viper73 Active Member

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    Monel,

    That's kindof what I've been thinking but up until we simultaneously made that discovery everything in our friendship was virtually perfect.
     
  17. monel

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    Then I think you have two choices: corner him in person and demand to know what is going on or resign yourself to the fact that the friendship is over and move on.
     
  18. OhWiseOne

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    I agree. Also use of the word "friend" might need to be changed. An earlier post my head does hurt after reading this...
     
  19. Viper73

    Viper73 Active Member

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    Trust me... this mess makes my head hurt too!

    The odd thing is that after we ate and talked, we went to a movie and then out with some friends to play poker - everything was fine. I had no idea anything was wrong until the next afternoon when I received his text.

    I immediately tried calling him to see what was wrong and he's refusing calls, deleting emails unread, etc. It's just very, very peculiar - at least from where i'm sitting. Also the fact that he was blatantly lying to our friend. In all the years i've known this person I've never known him to lie about ANYTHING which in itself is odd.
     
  20. Luvs2Squirt

    Luvs2Squirt Active Member

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    Sounds to me like there is something he is very insecure about. Could it be that there is or was something about you that makes him insanely jealous?
    Or has he ever gotten mad about something and taken that anger out on you or others??
     
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