Friendship ruined, need advice

FuzzyKen

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This is complicated because unknowingly people had invaded other people's relationships without knowing it. That is going to make things uncomfortable and embarrassing for anyone. It is bothering him and he does not know how to deal with it.

Right now the best thing to do is to let it die down and give it some time. He has to cope with a great deal in his life and it appears to me that he is under great stress for many reasons. Your experiences are just "overload", and probably in time this will fix itself if you do not push him away by too much attention. If it does not have this outcome from what I see nobody intentionally did anything to hurt anyone else.

there are times that things just happen and as has been said there is a point where the advice of moving on and moving ahead would be the best bet.

Happy New Year and good luck. . . . .
 

dude_007

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Respect his wish to be left alone right now.
He is being a jerk for not communicating, but people handle stress in ways that often hurt the ones they care about. If he values you as a friend, he will come around. In time, the issue will be revealed. I hope it has a positive resolution.
 

NotSoDumb_Blonde

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I guess my question would be, what did he lie about to your mutual friend? I mean, that's a missing part of this very odd puzzle.

If anyone should be upset, one would think it would be you for him sleeping with...er...your finance? Sorry, forgot if it was a gf or wife.... :p But the point is, I think we're missing some information to help you out. If we even can. There's been lots of good advice, but really, this friend seems really out there. Maybe he is deflecting, angry at you for being embarrassed over sleeping with your ...lady. Could he have slept with her over a period of time, rather than the once and now realizes you were with her and didn't realize she was cheating on you? Maybe this would make him feel terrible about it and therefore pissed at you? Does that make sense?

Best of luck with this, but keep in mind, you can't control how other people are -- they just are. Sometimes they don't make sense. Period.
 

Frnkd213

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Or could it be that he had or wanted a relationship with this girl and some one else came into the picture. You stated that you two did not know each other until later on, but both of you slept with the same girl, he before you.

And, he over the time you and he had dinner and whatever else you did that night you mentioned, figured out that someone who swept her off her feet was YOU, and he remembers how distraught he was, etc! Unbeknownst to you of course that that girl was being eyed by your not-than-friend-who-now-is-your-ex friend. Complicated. Hmmmmmmmm.

Can only speculate with the info given.
 
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Viper73

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The lies that my friend told were ridiculous and I'm still trying to figure out the motivation or what their purpose was...

For example, he ask our mutul friend if she knew where I was Friday night (which she did as I was on the phone with her on and off most of the evening talking). He told her point blank that I was not and sat home all day and that I had lied to her which was not at all correct. I ended up texting her receipts so she could see for herself. She later confronted him and was met with lie #2.

Then he went on to tell her that my family was in perfect health and that none of what I had told them about my family was true. She knew the difference because she has met my family on several occassions. Both of my parents are in their 80s. My mom is on dialysis and my dad is a cancer patient. I've about lost both of them at various times over the last year.

His lies made absolutely no sense... Since neither of us had ever know him to lie (or even exaggerate) we find it troubling.
 

ItalianSoccerMan

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Here's an idea: stop texting to discuss things.

Pick up a phone and use your voice. It juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust may come across as being a bit more effort-driven.
 

Sklar

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Here's some advice: Just drop it.

Either he will come back to you, as a true friend would, or he'll leave you alone.

Cherish the good times you had but move on with your life.

It's not worth it all this hand wringing and teeth gnashing.

Sklar
 

helgaleena

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You don't have any kids in the picture and he does. IMO this is significant. It could be that he associates sex with you because you two have been jerking buddies. And he just got out of his marriage to be with a girlfriend who was cheating and bad news. He really does not trust his own judgment re: his own sex life right now, and he doesn't want to screw up the chance to stay in the lives of his kids. I bet he's trying to stay away from anything at all that reminds him of sex with any partner more dangerous than his own hand.

What if his ex found him jerking with you, the way he found his latest girl, 'in mid stroke'? What would that do to his ability to see his kids? He's playing it safe right now. You have to give him time to get his divorce situation in order, which could take months.
 

The Dragon

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When I'm in times of high stress I retreat and cut ties and bunker down.
Sometimes I just can not spare the physical and emotional energy to deal with "people" regardless of their good intent or their relationship with me.
I bitterly resent people who can't respect my obvious need for space and then turn the situation into being all about "their needs" and "their abandonment issues" and "their hurt feelings".
They have a slim to no chance of getting reconnected with me once the stress period has finished.

Some people deal with their stress levels differently.
You need to respect that.
 

snbk

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i think im confused also. he slept with your fiance, but he's not the one who slept with her at the church on your wedding day. which means you called off the wedding on that day? with the church full of people?
if this is a true scenario,
and i read it correctly then
HE did not sleep with YOUR fiance,
YOU were engaged to HIS GIRLFRIEND.
so he is angry at you for sleeping with AND being engaged to and almost marrying his girlfriend so
you owe him an apology.
this is why he's angry with you.
so just text him that you're sorry about what happened.
yep.
you're on the wrong side of the issue, in his opinion.
 

helgaleena

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i think im confused also. he slept with your fiance, but he's not the one who slept with her at the church on your wedding day. which means you called off the wedding on that day? with the church full of people?
if this is a true scenario,
and i read it correctly then
HE did not sleep with YOUR fiance,
YOU were engaged to HIS GIRLFRIEND.
so he is angry at you for sleeping with AND being engaged to and almost marrying his girlfriend so
you owe him an apology.
this is why he's angry with you.
so just text him that you're sorry about what happened.
yep.
you're on the wrong side of the issue, in his opinion.

Now I"M confused-- how could she be HIS girlfriend if she was engaged to somebody else at the time? Also, the OP says they were good buddies and jerking off together for years after that incident. Hope he comes back and clarifies all this.
 

Phil Ayesho

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Sounds to me like both of them either really pick the wrong women... or both of them drive otherwise decent women to cheat...

Either way... they seem to have serial difficulty in committed relationships.
Perhaps this is the fundamental problem... a general failure to communicate or understand their effect on others.

One did or said something that the other reacted to and has no clue what.

And it seems to me they both are doing it.
 

Viper73

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I know this is confusing, but here goes...

Back in the mid 90s, I was engaged to who I thought was the absolute love of my life. The day of the wedding, a bridesmaid stopped the wedding because the bride was caught screwing my best friend at that time that day, at the church, prior to the wedding.

Fast forward to recently....

During the course of conversation with my current best friend we both discovered that my ex-fiance and him were also sleeping together back when I was engaged. However, at that time, my current best friend and I didn't even know each other existed.

It made for one hell of an ackward moment for both of us where we were both speechless. I immediately told him that I have no problem with him as we didn't even know each other back then and knowing my ex and everything I found out I seriously doubt that she was forthcoming that she was even engaged.

The rest of the evening went fine and the next thing I know he isn't speaking to me and has nothing to do with me and is now just making up stuff to tell our mutual friends to discredit me.

I know he is stressed with the cheating of his current girlfriend, the chaos from his ex and her using their kids to manipulate him. However, I can't fathom how a person that I've known like a brother could completely 180 basically overnight.

It's like the person I'm dealing with now is a total stranger - the change in his personality is that drastic.
 

helgaleena

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He's definitely in a bad place emotionally, Viper73. You definitely need to back away. And I am very sorry if the guy is also telling fibs about you. It's not a nice thing to discover about somebody you considered a good friend, that they would resort to that.

Better just wish him well from a distance. Please also read my earlier post.
 

Viper73

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Helagaleena,

Unfortunately I think you're right...

I think the worst part at least for me is having so many unanswered questions about what exactly went wrong. Even our mutual friends are left scratching their heads because it's like the person we all knew is now someone entirely different. The change is him is that dramatic.
 

MC1000

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You may just have to learn to deal with never knowing. I when I was in high school I was excluded from our spring break vaction to FLA. Never was told why. When my friends got back they all went their separate ways and have never spoken to one another since. Over the past 30+ years I have talked to each of them individually. All refuse to talk about what happened. Recently I ran into one of them. He would not acknowldge I was there. I spoke to him and he made it clear he did not want to talk to me, but was polite. I asked him if he ever talked to Mark. "Why the hell would I ever speak to that son of a bitch?" and walked away. Still that bitter after 30 years. I have learned to accept the fact I will likely never find out why I was excluded or what happened in Fla to destroy the friendships of my group of friends. You may have to also.
 

patrick9999

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I hate to complicate things any further but I wonder if your and his common ex told him something about you way back when? I realize that you and him weren't aquainted at the time but he may have figured it out after your realization of your common past.

Is it possible that he's still involved with the woman in question?

I should clarify that I'm not suggesting that you did something terrible in the past but this woman obviously couldn't be trusted so who knows what she may have said to discredit you and gain his sympathy.
 
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