Friendship with exes

[B_thickjohnny]

My ex and I have stayed friends - or friendly. I tried the staying away thing and he won't do it. He keeps calling and coming over and does not understand that I need my space. Now I've moved back to the US and he still calls almost everyday. And now he's gone further by asking me to mail him things. He pays for it all but it's getting on my nerves now.

And today, me being the nice guy I am, sent him a e-card for Valentine's day. Nothing mushy at all; just a card that says thanks for being my friend.

I GOT NOTHING IN RETURN!!! Not even a thank you. Not any acknowledgment.

I'm soooo pissed off.... and hurt too, I guess. Stupid me bends over backwards for people and, though I don't expect anything in return for doing favors, not getting any reply hurts a bit. PLUS he wants to come visit over the summer and bring his mom along for the ride.

 

[nudeyorker]

I would block his phone number and e-mail address and move on.

 

[rtg]

Sounds like you two can't 'just be friends'. I can't/don't do the friends thing.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

Sounds a lil twisted to me, you allow him to contact you and pays for all the expenses and then you say hi good to be "friends". That's a blow to the nuts if you ask me.

By keeping in touch the way you did you gave him hope, he's wrong for being needy and unable to cope over losing you and you were wrong of keeping him around in the "friendzone".

 

[shroomhead77]

Sounds to me like you're the one giving mixed signals. If everything he's done lately is getting on your nerves, why send a Valentine's Card? You should be sending one of those to your new bf (even if you don't have one) and not sending anything to your ex.

My advice - back off, don't respond to every message or call (that's what voicemail is for) and show that you're moving on with your life. As far as the summer thing...don't give it any attention. He will get the hint. Right now, though, you're the one feeding the fire, my friend.

 

[rtg]

Agreed with the above, cutting someone off may hurt [both of you even] but sometimes its gotta be done. My ex moved to the US about 8 months ago...he was still stringing me along from over there but never wanted to commit to me. I wanted to go and visit him and it was quite obvious he didn't want me to...so I decided to cut him off cos it wasn't good for me. He's still trying to string me along, last wk he sent me an email saying he misses me and today I received an email from him saying that he's thinking about me [cos of v day]...I didn't reply to either. Sometimes we have to do what's best for us and realise that friendship/keeping in contact just won't work.

 

[erratic]

I agree that it sounds like there are some mixed signals getting bounced around. Perhaps its time that you talk about the limits of what your friendship is going to look like? It sounds like you're okay with the occasional friendly bit of correspondence - emails, calls. Right? More than that seems to confuse you as to what's going on. So I say draw a boundary around that. No packages. No Valentine's cards. No daily communication. It sounds like you're both pretty confused as to what's appropriate for your friendship. As with any other kind of relationship, communication is key. Healthy, constructive, two-way communication.

If that doesn't work, cut him out for a bit.

Good luck.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

I have to admit that it's been tough on me too. I mean moving and admit that the e-card was probably a mistake. I thought it would be easier than this. He called one day while I was walking through a grocery store and started bawling, crying "I miss you". Of course, I got choked up too.

I have no idea what's going on in his head. He does not want a full on relationship with me anymore although he tried when we first broke up. He claims the age is too much of a spread whereas back 5 years ago it was exactly what he was searching for. Now he wants to be just friends. He wouldn't leave me alone when I was in Prague and I think a part of my move back to the US was to get away from him. I told him no communication too many times but he called or showed up at my place. Thankfully, he could not get past the front door. And now in the US he's still calling almost every f'n day and asking me to ship him things and then not even sending me a text this morning to say have a nice day (he's 6 hours ahead of me so I could have woke up to a message very easily). And I just got home and see on my iPad that I have a missed FaceTime call.

It's tough for me to be a dick to people especially when you have feelings for someone - even after all this, I still feel attached somehow.

I need to break it off for both our sakes. I know.

 

[shroomhead77]

... calling almost every f'n day and asking me to ship him things and then not even sending me a text this morning to say have a nice day (he's 6 hours ahead of me so I could have woke up to a message very easily). And I just got home and see on my iPad that I have a missed FaceTime call.

It's tough for me to be a dick to people especially when you have feelings for someone - even after all this, I still feel attached somehow.

I need to break it off for both our sakes. I know.

Your posts (and your actions) are contradictory, at best. You say how annoying he is and how he calls you "every f'n day" and then today when you didn't wake up with a message, you're upset.

It's not about being a "dick"...it's about setting boundaries and moving on with your life. You're a good 3,000+ miles away now and you need to increase the "virtual distance"...in no means do you need to be a dick - you need to be Unavailable. Trust me, he will slowly but surely see that you've moved on. You could very well be friends in the future, but right now, you need to break off your responses. Let him leave messages...lots of them. Tell him you're busy. Easy.

 

[erratic]

It's not about being a "dick"...it's about setting boundaries and moving on with your life.

This is how I think of it, too. It sounds as though right now there isn't a good understanding between the two of you about what it is that's going on with your friendship. This is going to lead to confusion and squidgy boundaries for the both of you.

I'm not you, and admittedly I don't know your ex at all, but if I put myself in your situation I'd be very frank with him right now. "I feel confused about our friendship. I don't know what it is you want out of it, but here's what I want: ..." Just lay it out on the table. It's like ripping off the band-aid

 

[Sklar]

Good Lord, Thick. Just how thick are you?

All it takes is to say no. If you're to lazy to block his number and email, just don't fucking answer him. You fucking moved half way around the world from him to get away from him.

Grow the fuck up, move on and leave him behind.

This is, what, the third/fourth thread talking about the exact same fucking thing?

Yeah, you still have feelings for him. But this is the same S.O.B. that cost you your job, your company and forced you to move away.

Here's some suggestions:

1) IGNORE him. Regardless of what's going on in his life. Be it emotional, professional or even medical. He's no longer your concern.

2) Change your phone number and email address. Block his snail mail.

But whatever you do, quit fucking whining about it and move the fuck on!

Sklar

 

[upone]

One thing I've noticed about all relationships, straight or gay: When it's over, it's over. Move on, Dude.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

Am I too cynical to believe a person can not be not aware of keeping people on a leash?

 

[B_thickjohnny]

Am I too cynical to believe a person can not be not aware of keeping people on a leash?

I'm not sure I understand but with the encouragement of Sklar I wrote ex this morning told him that it's over. I need to move on and so should he. No more calls, no more emails, no more...

I deleted him from my phone and Facebook account immediately. He's already written apologizing but I deleted that too and he tried calling but I hung up. A friend here who also knows ex said to beware, manipulative people have a way of wiggling themselves back in. I need to be strong. Thanks for your support.

 

[ConstantComment]

Am I too cynical to believe a person can not be not aware of keeping people on a leash?

Umm, yeah, but it seems that the cool trend these days is to become friends with your ex.....and then expect everyone after him/her to put up with it.

 

[B_Nick8]

Once I no longer cared whom they slept with--which meant certain parts of it were irreparably over--I've always been great friends with my few exes. After all, I loved them for good reason.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

It doesn't bother me that he's sleeping with other guys. It's the manipulative manner in which he operates. He's been treating me as a spouse even almost two years since we broke up. Get this for me and ship it. Then another call can you help me order something on line. Then another call I'm bring mom to the USA and we want to come visit.

The straw that broke the camels back was yesterday. I didn't get any acknowledgment of my worth to him. Ok, Valentine's Day might only be for lovers but it can be a time to acknowledge someone special in your life. A simple thank you for being my friend would have gone a long way yesterday but instead there was nothing. He sent happy Vday greetings to people on Facebook but nothing to me. Am I just a bit hurt? Yes, I am. But it opened my eyes.

Then I get an email from him after I told him that it's over - no more contact, deleted him from FB, Linkedin, FaceTime and phone. He writes, "if you don't' want to talk to me ok, but I don't know the reason". I just deleted it. What's the point?

Sklar, you're tough but you're right. Thanks again

 

[Sklar]

You're welcome.

Sklar

 

[Unnamed]

if you're with a new so the ex has to disappear, barring them having a child or group friendships.

 

[Thirdlegproduction]

It doesn't bother me that he's sleeping with other guys. It's the manipulative manner in which he operates. He's been treating me as a spouse even almost two years since we broke up. Get this for me and ship it. Then another call can you help me order something on line. Then another call I'm bring mom to the USA and we want to come visit.

The straw that broke the camels back was yesterday. I didn't get any acknowledgment of my worth to him. Ok, Valentine's Day might only be for lovers but it can be a time to acknowledge someone special in your life. A simple thank you for being my friend would have gone a long way yesterday but instead there was nothing. He sent happy Vday greetings to people on Facebook but nothing to me. Am I just a bit hurt? Yes, I am. But it opened my eyes.

Then I get an email from him after I told him that it's over - no more contact, deleted him from FB, Linkedin, FaceTime and phone. He writes, "if you don't' want to talk to me ok, but I don't know the reason". I just deleted it. What's the point?

Sklar, you're tough but you're right. Thanks again

I don't really get how you blame him for manipulating you?
He's across the world and isn't pointing a gun at your head so what makes you even comply? Or better yet why have you allowed it to happen?

And I don't really think you realise that you have hurt him by saying thanks for being a friend after he put all his time, money and energy into getting your love back.