Friendship

[dudepiston]

I'm wondering how some of you guys & gals have made friends, as ADULTS. As kids, it seems easy to make friends; you just walk right up to a group of kids playing trucks or something & join them. Right now, for me personally, all my closer friends & buds are here on the internet in various places....many of them in many different parts of the world and I feel so comfortable talking to them and making friends here that I wonder why I don't have ANY "real life" pals to speak of at all? I'm a nice guy, honest, I like getting people to talk about THEMSELVES, and I'm told I'm a good conversationalist. My wife & I get along VERY well and are each others closest friends, but still I think most normal people have a few people in life they refer to as "friend." So what gives? How do you make friends & influence people?

 

[HotBulge]

You can read Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" - probably one of the grandfathers of "self-help" books. Look it up on Amazon.com. This should help for "real-world" interaction.

Life on the Internet is quite a different matter all together. In our post-modern existence, the Internet experience is self-selected, allowing people to seek their own interests and to represent themselves in a far more fluid form than with real-world interactions. It is impotant to maintain a balance between both realms - i.e. between the world of our neighbors/community and the virtual world online.

 

[tallguypns]

I'm wondering how some of you guys & gals have made friends, as ADULTS. As kids, it seems easy to make friends; you just walk right up to a group of kids playing trucks or something & join them. Right now, for me personally, all my closer friends & buds are here on the internet in various places....many of them in many different parts of the world and I feel so comfortable talking to them and making friends here that I wonder why I don't have ANY "real life" pals to speak of at all? I'm a nice guy, honest, I like getting people to talk about THEMSELVES, and I'm told I'm a good conversationalist. My wife & I get along VERY well and are each others closest friends, but still I think most normal people have a few people in life they refer to as "friend." So what gives? How do you make friends & influence people?

i believe that adult friendships are made just like childhood friendships; through common ground. Like woodworking? Meet others at a woodworking club. Like fishing? Meet others at a bait store. I met all of my current friends online first and then eventually met them in real life. That worked for me when I lived in Louisiana and it will eventually work for me here.

 

[Honey_Grrrl83]

I had a lot of friends in high school but after graduation all of us left town to go to college or join the military so I lost track of many people who were near and dear to me,luckily I have been able to meet new and wonderful people in my adult years Mainly through work and the gym

 

[B_HungSpermBoy]

i have a lot of people who think of me as their friend but i'm a little more particular about true friendship. for me the best friendships are real deep connections with other people & they're really about love. i love my true friends & they love me back.

 

[dudepiston]

Yep, I like your definition a lot, HSB. I truly would like to ascend to that level with my friends & relationships but question is, HOW to do so. Some of you had good ideas....join groups in which you have things in common with other members. It's something I'll try to explore, for sure. I live in a smaller community so I don't think there IS a woodworking club, for example, but there might be something else. I wish there were a songwriters club locally, but no luck there.

I'm amazed how many times I hear people make friends at their GYM!? How does one do that ???

i have a lot of people who think of me as their friend but i'm a little more particular about true friendship. for me the best friendships are real deep connections with other people & they're really about love. i love my true friends & they love me back.

 

[MorganaDrake]

You know, it would seem to me that ultimately friendships are basically formed the same way on every level of our growth as an individual. You meet someone, find common interest...maybe as a kid you both like to play kickball or play in the same particular sandbox or as an adult you both spend Sundays watching football. You bond over those things and at first maybe it's just that....a shared interest but then you start really talking (about your goals, your significant others, families, etc) and things develop from there. (insert a shrug here) But maybe I'm over simplifying things.

Most of the friends I have now I met through school and most of us are heading in the same direction for a career. So that bonded us...but we spend time with each other, with my friends that have kids, I'm considered an aunt to their kids. I was there at the hospital when my friend gave birth. And when I need my friends they find a way to me...same as I do for them. In the summer we get together as often as we can...like a picnic with all of us or something. I mean they're more family to me then my aunts, uncles and cousins are.

And then there is my best friend...I met her over the internet...we talked for three years and then I finally went down to spend a week with her. Meeting her and her family...it was like meeting people I had known my whole life....it was like going home. I have no other way to explain that. Yet, the similarities between us stop at the point of us both being caring, compassionate people. She's Catholic, my beliefs are pretty far out of the mainstream with religion, she's a business major hoping to go onto law, I'm a behaviorial sciences major hoping to go onto a MSW. I can sit there and talk sports with anyone and watch sports all day and all night and she doesn;'t care for them. She's girly and I'm a tomboy. I could go on and on listing the differences but you all get the point. Sometimes things just click.

 

[dudepiston]

Morgana:

Thanks for your reply! Yes I understand what you're saying completely. I think it's great that you met your best friend online! I think it also does happen that sometimes people we feel very close to on some emotional level actually aren't all that well-suited for us as day-to-day friends. I guess it's cool that you and she can get together when you can. People don't have to be carbon-copies of each other to be friends or pals.

I sometimes think women have an easier job of making good close friendships; but having said that, the same ideas apply to both genders - find something you might have in common with others (school work, social club, a sport) and do it.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Talk to strangers. I just made a friend at a supermarket. We were talking about the good selection of things they had, and it it was surprising that a store that tiny could be so extremely well stocked. We began talking about how I decided to enter that store in the first place. I had been on foot, needed organic produce, and the health food store in our area was closed, so I decided to see what that store sold. It was relatively far from my house, as grocery stores go. She told me the health food store was still open, and realizing I was into natural products, began talking to me about her naturalist, and how she saved her. She had been cured of stomach cancer. It was extremely compelling. She invited me to church. I invited her to church. We exchanged email addresses and yahoo IDs. New pal.

I'm amazed how many times I hear people make friends at their GYM!? How does one do that ???

Same principle. Talk to strangers. I stretch throughout my workout. I go the same time every day. A man who often ends up at the elliptical machine next to mine asked one day if I was always flexible. He said he couldn't touch the floor with his knees unbent like I could. I told him I wasn't flexible, was in fact quite tight, but was looking to get flexible, and invited him to stretch with me. we adjusted our workout times so he could stretch with me before working out. New pal. Plus, it's nice to have someone who sees how hard you bust your ass to get into shape recognize and acknowledge your achievements.

 

[Gisella]

I'm wondering how some of you guys & gals have made friends, as ADULTS. As kids, it seems easy to make friends; you just walk right up to a group of kids playing trucks or something & join them. Right now, for me personally, all my closer friends & buds are here on the internet in various places....many of them in many different parts of the world and I feel so comfortable talking to them and making friends here that I wonder why I don't have ANY "real life" pals to speak of at all? I'm a nice guy, honest, I like getting people to talk about THEMSELVES, and I'm told I'm a good conversationalist. My wife & I get along VERY well and are each others closest friends, but still I think most normal people have a few people in life they refer to as "friend." So what gives? How do you make friends & influence people?

I think you must expend more time making real friends outside the cyber space...go to "real places" and do not just sit in front a pc..thats all in my opinion.

You do have so many qualities that can attract people in your day to day life and will be easy if you just invest your time and contact people near you that u can look them in their eyes and et...

 

[solong]

Bombshell, You have always seemed to me to be a very open and friendly gal, anyway. Some people just have a harder time than others opening up to people like you seem to do naturally. But-- we all admire it. It is definitely a talent.

I think one thing that helps people to make friends is not to think ill of people, generally, but to look at them as a resource and a load of talent, or another way to say it-- personal gifts.

Another thing that's important is the ability to catch and remember names. That's a real talent in some people, and others have trouble even remembering their own (me). So for those people I have a suggestion: Every time you forget someone's name, ask them again. Tell them that you've always had trouble and you are trying to learn to recall names better, so if they don't mind, every time you forget their name you will just ask it again, because you like to hear it, and you'd like to know them better, too (or, something like that).

Be kind. You can still be saucy, clever, funny, factual, erudite, etc. but always let the foundation be a genuineness and fondness for them. No personality is worth a damn unless it's based in thoughtfulness and unselfishness, first. Folks will seek YOU out.

Don't be embarrassed, but be humble, admit your stupidity and toss it off. People like you for that, but they are watching to see what you can do, to. They want to know if you're worth anything, and what your talent(s) is.

Can you admit you're ever wrong? Is it easy, or hard to do? Ifr it's hard to do, you need to decide that you're not such a big shot and you don't know much, anyway. let other people tell you a thing or two. Admit you didn't know something, once in awhile.

"Iron sharpeneth iron. So a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend."

Friendship is a two-way street. Unless you can give as much as you receive, you'll never amount to much as a friend. And there's all different kinds of friends. I don't suggest just makeing friends that fish, or that do woodworking, although that's the way to start. Friends should broaden your interests. That means, you have to make an effort to do things that you wouldn't normally do. You have to show enthusaism, but enthusaism is as contagious as the measles, and even if you start by faking it, pretty soon you catch it, yourself.

 

[dudepiston]

Well I feel I'm a fairly open-minded, friendly person. I am generally able to recall names, although I do have a fairly crappy memory otherwise. I percieve myself as being fairly warm when I speak to people, so I don't think that's the issue. I do think I worry about just going up to strangers, particularly guys, because at my gym (or in the locker room, sauna, etc.) I worry that they think I might be coming on to them (I'm pretty sure I *do* send that vibe sometimes, whether I want to or not) when all I'm really seriously wanting to do is just chat a bit. So that's an issue. Otherwise I think I'm doing a lot of what members here have suggested! Thanks for the replies, though, because it's always helpful to get others' perspectives on things.

Bombshell, You have always seemed to me to be a very open and friendly gal, anyway. Some people just have a harder time than others opening up to people like you seem to do naturally. But-- we all admire it. It is definitely a talent.

 

[CUBE]

Not easy to find friends...I agree. People think at work is such a great place but it has not been that way for me. In most companies, one has a shared learning knowledge to have in common. The fields in education departments have people so far removed from how my brain works I find common ground hard. Yes, we all have the education field as a basis but it doesn't go as far as people think...one can't believe the twisted ethics involved.

So I really do try to talk to people around me. I went to Vegas this week and met a nice guy for a talk here and there. NOT sexual. Maybe it goes somewhere maybe not...but one hopes for the best and tries to nuture each person as they meet them.

 

[gg42]

There is a step change after school and into the work force - no clue why

 

[rob_just_rob]

Friends are born of shared experiences. That's why it's so easy to make friends in university - you are all basically in the same boat. If you went right after high school, you're all the same age, in more or less the same financial and housing situation, and are taking courses which you can talk about. I've lost touch with virtually all of my university friends, just because we have much less in common, now.

Most of my current roster of friends are people that I work with, or used to work with.

I'm close friends with an ex-girlfriend.

I have a couple of friends I met socially, but don't see much of these days.

I have a few friends I chat with at my gym... but don't socialize with outside of the gym. Does that count?

(BTW... I dated 2 women from my gym... did NOT work out! So from here on, what happens at the gym stays at the gym.)

 

[B_hungrick]

i have a lot of people who think of me as their friend but i'm a little more particular about true friendship. for me the best friendships are real deep connections with other people & they're really about love. i love my true friends & they love me back.

As unusal, Jeff, you say the most enlightening things. I wonder how you got to be such an awesome guy?

Love,
Rich

 

[Honey_Grrrl83]

Church is a cool way to meet new people In my case I substitute a church with my synagogue or Hindu temple

 

[headbang8]

Friendship is a two-way street. Unless you can give as much as you receive, you'll never amount to much as a friend. And there's all different kinds of friends. I don't suggest just makeing friends that fish, or that do woodworking, although that's the way to start. Friends should broaden your interests. That means, you have to make an effort to do things that you wouldn't normally do. You have to show enthusaism, but enthusaism is as contagious as the measles, and even if you start by faking it, pretty soon you catch it, yourself.

I think that's why adults find it so hard to make new friends. The moment I entered the workforce, my time ceased to be my own. Many of the firmest friends I have made as an adult are current or former workmates. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that, but I can't help but think that I've missed out on some rewarding friendhips and new human experiences. I think couples gain a new circle of friends when the female takes time out to have children. She engages with a new group of people, and often reconnects with the neighbourhood in which the family lives.