So, some of you have come to know and love the creature who is my daughter. This year, we decided to share living space again, in that she and her b/f took the apartment above me. She co-authored both the "fuck off" and "Suck my dick" posts I've made here, so I thought some of you out there in lpsg land might enjoy her and her friends' latest creation: Your Body & You! script... The following is the script to the single greatest puppet show containing a vagina you're likely to see this summer. Written by Mercy, Heather, Mike, Hope, Ryan, and myself, I give you "Your Body & You!, a.k.a. The Vagina Monster vs. The Flying Spaghetti Monster." Eventually this will all be filmed, with music, puppets, fake blood, and everyfuckingthing. Enjoy, pigdogs. Narrator: Way back in the days of yore, there was a happy village, and the village was happy. Villagers: I'm sooooo happy! Narrator: But, alas, their happy village met bitter, dark days. You see, deep from the bowels below, there was a monster. A hideous vagina monster... Twat: [monster noises] Narrator: ...Whose bicentennial flow was due to be unleashed upon the Earth. The time was nigh for the beast to bleed, be bitchy, and generally destructive. Villagers: Oh, no! Narrator: The tyrannous beast arose from the sacred caves of Vulvi in search of bon bons, Pamprin, and someone to nag. Twat: Must... Have... Chocolate!!! Narrator: A young boy named Tiny Tim had the unfortunate luck to be first to meet the fowl tempered slit. Twat: Chocolate! Pamprin! Cold rags! Now, boy, I demand attention!!! Narrator: Tiny Tim turned to inform the village. Twat: Oh, one more thing... Do these shoes make me look fat? Narrator: Fearing he might utter the wrong answer, the boy ran directly home. He had been tricked by this question before. The village worked the whole day and night on their offering. But while the village was happy, it was also poor. They were only able to scrounge up three Clark bars, a broken DVD of Absolutely Fabulous, a lukewarm rag, and half a pair of polka dotted shoes. Upon the monster's arrival to the alter of Menses, she was a little more than, shall we say, disappointed... Twat: What the fuck?! This is not what I said. You don't listen, do you? You care nothing about ME! "But I'm poor," it's always about YOU, isn't it? I love that shoe! Narrator: With that, the monster's mouth started to quiver and shake. The village people thought she was going to cry, but instead, a massive river of blood spewed forth, engulfing the village in her red, hot fury. Villagers: Help! Help! Narrator: Most of the villagers were swept away in the initial blast. Those that were left ran back to the village for safety, but the leaking orifice was right behind, trampling bodies, crushing houses, and spitting clots of coagulated goo. Oh, the humanity! Father Lovechild ran to the church to pray for a savior. Lovechild: Lord, please send us a hero. Please, I promise to change my ways... Please, send us... Billbert: A HERO OF SPAGHETTI & MEATBALLS! Narrator: Said the village drunk, who had been pillaging the sacremental wine in the confusion. Just as Father Lovechild was about to beat Billbert about the head with a statue of Dionysios, the Patron Saint of forgiveness, the sky suddenly grew black. 80's music filled the air, and in flew a ball of noodly arms, meatballs, and giant, googly eyes. It was none other than the Flying Spaghetti Monster of Pastalina. The villagers were joyous. Villagers: Joy! FSM: So, we meet again, Twatubracabre! Twat: Oh, it's you! Unless you have a box of bon bons in that un-al dente body of yours, I want nothing to do with you! Where the fuck is the pharmacy in this bitch?! Narrator: Another ocean of bloody secretion erupted from the beast. Quickly, the Flying Spaghetti Monster shot two laser beams at el Twatubracabre, which only infuriated her more. With a quick gulp, she ate the first things she saw that looked like chocolate. Twat: Haha, you can't stop me! Narrator: Meanwhile... Leo: Just make those last final tweaks... Yep, there. I've done it! I now must teleport my new invention and myself for all of humanity. To infinity, and beyond! Narrator: Back at the battle... FSM: MY EYE! MY EYE! Narrator: The remaining villagers were sure that this was the end of all hope, when Leonardo DaVinci appeared with extremely stylish shorts and a very odd contraption. Leo: Oh, my! Just in time! Hey, Spaghetti Monster, catch! Narrator: He hoisted his new creation in the air. Leo: Just aim and shoot! FSM: [To himself] Just aim and shoot... Narrator: With that, the Flying Spaghetti Monster plugged that leaky hole with extreme prejudice. Twat: I'm melting! Melting! Oh, what a world! Narrator: The evil beast melted into a puddle of bloody ick. Leonardo and the Spaghetti Monster gave each other a triumphant high five, and the village was saved. Leo: My work is done here! Narrator: And just as he appeared, he was gone... Villagers: [To FSM] Thank you! Thank you, Spaghetti Monster! We owe you our lives, our women, our religion! FSM: Sweet! Dress like pirates and be merry! Rum for all! You shall forever live by these words! Narrator: So, the happy village once again became happy, and reveled in their drunken joy, sailing the seven seas and pillaging all they wanted in remembrance of their lord, the Flying Spaghetti Monster.