frustrated... Help!

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Epistasia, Apr 7, 2007.

  1. Epistasia

    Epistasia Member

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    I love sex, okay, is it such a bad thing? I'm getting married in two weeks and I think I may have just ruined it! Excuse me if this post is a bit fragmented but I just got home from the bar and I'm still kinda tipsy. When I go out drinking my fiancé always drives (he doesn't drink at all) and I have a girlfriend that always comes and does shots with me. When we get drunk we flirt with each other and it's all fun and games but I'm actually extremely attracted to her. My fiancé doesn't mind us goofing around but tonight we let it go a little to far... We were just kissing but it could have gone a lot further than that. Early in the night I went to the bathroom and she followed me at which point she asked if she could come home with us tonight. I nervously played it off but I couldn't stop thinking about her proposition and through the night are playful flirting became more and more serious. I know that my fiancé (Justin) could tell what was going on but I think he was just pretending not to. The more drinks we had the more I convinced myself that my fiancé would love being with two girls, little did I know that this was not the case. Well, anyway, he expressed the fact that this wasn't what he had in mind and I got upset (irrationally so, okay, I said it) and stormed off. My girlfriend came running after me to comfort me and we started making out. He saw this and in his nonjudgmental barely confrontational way he asked that we go home. He explained to me that he can get jealous and he doesn't know if it's his place to be. He said that he knows that I want to put a show on for him but he feels that it may not be as sexy to him to see me with anyone else than I think it should be. I feel selfish saying this but I want to have sex with my friend really badly, and on top of that I want to see my fiancé fuck her too. I don't know if I'm looking for advice or if I just want to vent. I think I know that this is just one of those things that should remain a fantasy... but damn. All I can think about is how many guys would love to be with two girls (not to mention that my friend is hot as f-ing hell), but then I think about the fact that I don't want to be with any of those guys, I want my man. Ugh! I'm really horny right now and he is all pissed off on his computer and I'm stuck posting my pathetic problems too the world. I just don't know what to do. I guess I should consider myself lucky to have this kind of “problem”. I know that we are going to have a long talk about this tomorrow, when I'm not so drunk, but I just need to hear from an outside source if any of my feelings are justified. Or maybe I don't because maybe I just want these feelings to go away. I don't know, I'm still really wasted and I don't think any of this made any sense anyway. I'm going to bed. Thanks, Brit
     
  2. Yorkie

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    The most common fantasy for straight guys is to have a threesome with two hot women.I think all the guys on here would love to be in your fiancee's position,it sounds like he's a very straight-laced type.
    If he never drinks and doesn't fancy a threesome with your hot friend,what DOES he like? :confused:
     
  3. cofrader

    cofrader Member

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    True but not many would acept that kind of behavior on his girl.
    Try to speak with him about it.
    He might fear to end up a side. I remember ross of friends.
     
  4. ben40

    ben40 New Member

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    Whats wrong with this guy? It is every man's dream to have a threesome with two sexy girls... I think you need to check his pulse, just to see that he's still alive! Absolutely pathetic... what a soft c*ck!!
     
  5. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    Maybe he is worried about loosing you so close to the wedding date... talk it over with him, and see if there is a reason to him being so uptight.
     
  6. coolwind

    coolwind New Member

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    I have to say it's not my dream to have a threesome with two women, I have done it in the past and found for me feelings between the three people were too complicated, not during making love but later. Maybe if I was not emotionally involved it would be cool, but with your mate it's complex. The thought of my gf, or wife in this case, making out with another woman also doesn't do anything erotic for me. So I am one other guy who would not think I had hit gold. If he wants to marry you it may be he wants you all to himself, no other men, no other women. Are you sure you want to be married? Have you been with other women before? Sounds to me like instead of thinking about how he feels you should check your head, and make sure you are ready to be married, and then talk with him about what being married means to him.
     
  7. Epistasia

    Epistasia Member

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    How come when I'm drunk and upset all of a sudden the formating stops working on my post? I spent a while just trying to figure out why when I pressed enter the text wouldn't go to the next line. It must have been trying to thwart me on purpose. My fiance is the kindest most considerate person in the world, that is why I'm so faithful to him. Unfortunately for me his fantasies involve synthesizers and not two girls. I don't feel that it's a character flaw, it's just frustrating because I do have sexual fantasies. He is very protective of me, it doesn't matter if I'm interested in a guy or a girl, it is understandable that he would feel threatened. I just want him to understand that I'm not trying to cheat on him, I want to involve him. The thing is, I know that I can sweet talk my way into getting what I want, but I don't want to do it that way. My main concern is weather or not I have ruined his image of me. I want this relationship to work and I will do anything necessary to make that happen, even if that means abstaining for the rest of my life I will do it and proudly say that I'm doing it for the most wonderful man in the world. The fact that he hasn't asked anything unreasonable of me is what makes me such a lucky girl. That being said he is a little tight knit, (he turned down the chance to have a stripper at his bachelor party, even though I told his friends it was okay) and I would like advice as to how I can get him to losen up without making him feel uncomfortable. He is a pot head (like me) and he likes going to parties and clubs with me, he just gets anxious really easily so I know he's not hopeless, I just need him to relax a little. I could go on like this forever but to sum everything up: don't bash my man, because you don't know him. I would, however, like to know what I can do to make it easier for him to open up and I also want to know if anyone here thinks I have done any irreparable damage to my relationship. Brit
     
  8. hypolimnas

    hypolimnas Well-Known Member

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    I'd say don't panic, take your time to lighten up, and have some fun with him. Most of the things you want to know are things that you will be able to talk through when the time is right.

    You should talk before you marry though. You obviously share a lot of things in common, you might need to regain his confidence a bit. I'd recommend some great attentive/responsive sex, do some stuff that you know he likes (including non sexual stuff), if he is up for it.

    When the moment is right you might think about expressing regret that you might have unintetnionally made him feel uncomfortable, then ask him how he feels? Good luck. It was bound to come up as an issue at some point, you are both responsible for deciding how to care for your relationship (and keeping it alive) in the future.
     
  9. anon265

    anon265 Member

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    Very likely nothing.

    No, it isn't.

    Before you posted this, did you stop to think how it might affect her to insult her fiance?
     
  10. anon265

    anon265 Member

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    Hear, hear.

    As for the drunk/upset part, you might want to think about not posting until you've had some time to sober up/calm down. This will allow you to get to the heart of your problem, arrive at the exact question, and folks here will better be able to respond ot it.

    Don't try to "get" him to do anything. Let him know that you love him, and his concerns are important to you, and that you really want to hear what's on his mind in a non-judgemental way. Of course, don't have the conversation when you've been drinking/drugging.

    That having been said, if you have desires for women or other men, and he is not comfortable with that, it is GOING to become an issue sooner or later. It is perfectly valid for him not to want you to have sex with other people, that's his prerogative. He simply needs to communicate that, and give you the chance to accept it, compromise, or split. It's also perfectly valid for you to want to have sex with other people. If that's how you're put together, so be it. You simply need to communicate that, and give him the chance to accept it, compromise or split.

    I don't want to judge, but I'll say that if you and he cannot converse honestly and openly about something this fundamental about your identity, your marriage would have little chance of long-term success. Think about it this way: why are you talking to us and not him?

    I'm no expert, just a guy talking from his heart.
     
  11. Whopper-lee

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    Hummm ...getting married in two weeks...maybe a little pre -jetters, few doubts, etc. sounds a bit normal...things could be worst...
    Good rational communication & behavior between the two of you is the key (without being tipsy).
    Never, Ever, try too read on another's mind on your level of relationship.
    That's takes yrs. and yrs of a marriage to do and then sometimes not even then.
    The two of you must feel love for on another enough to want to marry...I hope.
    Talk it out...work it out. Commuinicate always...And just don't hear...LISTEN to one another.

    Get a good night's rest, deal with it more Sun with him.
    Don't forget to use 'I' messages not You messages.

    And don't let me read any Headlines "Another Run-A-Way Bride" story!
    Take care & Good Luck
    Be Safe, Be Careful, & Enjoy!
    Whopper-lee
     
  12. Epistasia

    Epistasia Member

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    It didn't occur to me till now, to mention, that we have lived together without incident this for over five years. Thank you Whopper-Lee, for reminding me that I may just be acting on emotion that is coming from the stress of the big day. Thanks also to Anon for a firm, grounded male point of view that is very similar to my fiancé’s. After reading my original post, I feel so silly; it doesn't sound anything like the person I normally put forward but then I was much less capable of being guarded.

    We have talked, and I feel very relieved that nothing serious happened last night because I know I would have regrets. I told him how I feel, and how sometimes it makes me feel so desperate and trapped. He asked me if he makes me feel trapped or the fact that I can't do what my friend would like me to do. I guess I hadn't thought about it that way, but I do really get caught up in what other people expect of me. He explained that he doesn't want me to feel restricted (like he is my parent) but he does want to protect his own feelings. I didn't know until he told me but he does kind of like hearing me flirt with my girlfriend and the only reason he didn't want me kissing her right then is because he knew I was doing it out of spite. I know (now that my mind is straight) that any romantic notions I have for her are purely physical, and though I try to be aware of my feelings, I don't think I'm above trying to establish a relationship with her based only on that physical attraction. A relationship that would destroy the love that is based on much firmer ground.

    It's really strange that I post silly issues like this, especially on this forum, but it makes it harder for me to argue irrationally when he and I deal with the issue. When he speaks he has such conviction and confidence in his voice and I feel like even if I have a valid reason to disagree with him that it's pointless to bring it up. I always forget that, though he is confident in his PoV he wants to know how I he never tries to tell me that I don't have the right to feel the way I do. I guess posting here helps me identify my insecurities so that when we talk about these issues it's easier to express myself and in turn makes it easier for me to understand his feeling. It feels sometimes like he can read my mind and see right through me and posting here helps me gain a similar perspective.

    Thanks again to the people that have given me rational and thoughtful answers to my questions. You help me to realize that the most valuable part of my relationship is our ability to communicate. Justin and I have never had an argument that we have not been able to resolve amicably. I have no resentment for him and I can say with confidence that he does no resent me. I get scared still (because of past relationships or my mom and step-dad's rocky marriage) dealing with tough issues, but I can honestly say that we have never had to fight, we have always been able come to an agreement through open communication.

    Thanks for not letting me take that for granted.

    Now, I have to tell him how much I appreciate him.

    Britt
     
  13. LongTimeComing

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    I think Anon has made a couple of very good posts here.

    I'd like to amplify that I think that if there is a big mismatch between you and your fiance in sex drive and sexual intetrests, this will likely get worse over time. You may be able to feel empowered and proud of yourself for making sacrifices for the man you love... but at some point it may also become a cause for resentment. If other issues come up in the marriage (which they surely will), this resentment may come rocketing to the surface and cause you big problems. I think it is also pretty likely that your libidos will go in opposite directions over the years... you will become more and more sexual, and he will become less. That is not universal of course, but pretty common for men and women as they age.

    You might actually consider pre-marital counseling to help you work through this.
     
  14. Professor_Chaos

    Professor_Chaos New Member

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    Well it seems strange to me how so many guys are against it, or are jealous of the other girl involved in these situations. For me, I think its damn hot, and still a goal not yet achieved (having a threesome with 2 girls), but perhaps its not a jealousy issue for me because I know with guys I could never develop an emotional attachment to, and I sort of presume the girl I am with would be like that to, and it seems your in that category as well.

    Thing is if he is very conservative sexually and you are a lot more adventurous, it will cause problems. You will feel repressed and I have some examples, both from personal experience, and from what people have told me -

    - A guy I know, told me a story of when he got married, his wife was not interested in sex for anything apart from the purpose of making babies. They had 2 kids, she wanted no more, so there was no more sex. He basically told her, that if wasn't getting anything from her, he would get it from somewhere else. I mean he even says its not the right thing to do necessarily, but I must say I think I would of done the same thing.

    - A girl I know had a long term boyfriend and she is a lot more adventurous than he is (I went out with her previously, and we were a great match sexually), and she has like yourself wanted to get with a girl. Her boyfriend was dead against it, it ended up with her being sneaky and repressed, and looking to do things behind his back.

    So I think you need to discuss this at some point with your husband, because sexual desire is a pretty big part of what makes us as people.

    Cheers
    CHAOS
     
  15. SpoiledPrincess

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    You know what his feelings are on this, if you can't stick to what he feels the terms of your marriage should be then you should reconsider marrying him. He wants an exclusive sexual relationship with you (as do the majority of people getting married) and if you can't meet his needs for this and he can't meet your sexual needs there will only be trouble ahead.
     
  16. B33

    B33 New Member

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    damn u r lucky to have a hot bicurious friend!!!

    perhaps after the wedding he will feel more secure????
     
  17. bigdude

    bigdude New Member

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    The most common fantasy for straight guys is to have a threesome with two hot women.




    ^speak for yourself hun...I've passed up this opportunity more times than I care to count
     
  18. Epistasia

    Epistasia Member

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    Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm still pretty confident, despite my recent jitters, that we will be able to deal with any problems as they come. I mean the issues that my fiance and I deal with seem simple and trivial compared to what my currently married friends have to deal with... and they have kids! Brit
     
  19. transformer_99

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    I don't think you're ready to be married personally. The fiance thing is about monogamous exclusivity, otherwise your gf's would have been asked to be married just the same (polygamy). I know it sounds old fashioned, but people don't ask you to be married to share you with the local bar scene. If he wanted that, he could stay single and show up at closing time. He would have had you in his life as a roommate and split bills with you that way, everything would be a contractually financial arrangement. Obviously being married means different things to different people. Who's to say that the relationship would or wouldn't have morphed into a more open marriage to these concepts you have vs the more rigid ones he holds. That's not saying either is better, it's just what each of you perceive the relationship to be. As polar as they are, this marriage more than likely is over before it happens.
     
  20. B_big dirigible

    B_big dirigible New Member

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    So a guy who doesn't drink drives his fiance to the bars so she can get falling-on-her-ass drunk, while he does ... what?

    If I got that right, that strikes me as really strange. I realize that married people may adopt some weird dynamics which look pretty peculiar from outside, but I don't think I've heard of one quite that peculiar.

    And that's without getting into the threesome thing. I've never been interested in any sort of threesome myself, and in fact find the idea annoying. It is definitely not a universal male fantasy.
     
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