Fuck Buddies + Emotions

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Imported, Dec 1, 2004.

  1. Imported

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    jools1976: Hi, I'm Jools, female and I'm 25. I've been going out with someone for almost four years. He treats me like a queen, but our sex lives have been rather placid.

    A few weeks ago I met someone I would consider my "twin". He's 28 and we have almost everything in common. We both have the same nickname (but for purposes of discussion let's keep him called "Bob") , we both have dragon tattoos on our backs, we both grew up wanting to be pilots (and still do) and we have pretty much the same interests and hobbies.

    Needless to say things hit off rather well. This is although he's engaged and I am almost engaged.

    One evening we were out talking about sex - just a very general discussion. We both came to the same conclusion that we wanted to experiment with things a little bit more, though we were with other people.The whole time we were in this conversation though, we never spoke about doing it with each other - it was a very broad, general, third party conversation.

    Two days later he came over for drinks, and I warmed up to him. Halfway through conversation he kissed me. We didn't have sex though, wrong time of the month.

    He came over almost every night. It was honestly some of the most passionate sex I have personally ever had. He's a fantastic lover with no inhibitions - not to compare him to my current bf, but I like the fact that he lets the brakes loose, or has no brakes, however you put it.

    We have a social life together aside from sex. We go for dinner dates, drinks, we hang out and talk. We have a great time with each other outside the bedroom. We talk a lot, sometimes hinting towards "issues" in our current relationships - he's with a materialistic woman who has severe inhibitions with regards to sex. I'm going out with someone with sexual inhibitions, who to an extent is a bit too tame for my liking.

    One day he asked me about the "rules" regarding emotions - he said he was concerned about emotional issues, that he may "fall for me".

    Last night we spoke to each other on the phone about my boyfriend coming back from abroad next week. I asked him if he was jealous - he said he'd rather not think about the fact that I'm probably going to have sex with him.

    Are we falling for each other?

    Or is this the normal course of fuck-buddyship?

    I've had fuck buddies before, but this is the first time I'm starting to "feel".

    Please help!

    ///joolz
     
  2. Bradleem

    Bradleem New Member

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    I think you have answered your own question.................from what you have written you are engaged to the wrong person and so is your soulmate.............

    Everything you have written about the new guy is what a person looks for in a relationship............how often have you heard married couples complain about he/she will not talk............and there is little physical involvement. Why marry someone who behaves like that when one is single.

    Remember this...........marriage does not change people's behavior.........if you have sex once a month before marriage you will have sex once a month after marriage..............

    Sounds like the new guy has so much more in common with you...........and the more common traits there are between two people the more successful a relationship will be. Otherwise what you will do if you marry the other guy and he marries the other woman.............both of you will find ways to be with each other anyway. Because you will not be emotionally satisfied with your sex or with general living.

    So go for it with the new guy and do not look back................you do not want to be sorry later.

    Brad
     
  3. madame_zora

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    Bradleem, I echo your post wholeheartedly! The world is full enough of unhappy marriages, don't add to the rubble. From what you've written, jools, you would be a fool to let this one get away, many people go their whole lives without finding what you have. You're not in too deep yet, get out! Save yourself! Even if the thing with this new guy doesn't work out, don't ever yoke yourself to someone you're not completely in love with. Trust me, "okay sex" will get far worse after marriage! But mostly, you deserve to be happy, and so does everyone else in this situation. In the long run, you can only bring misery to your current b/f and if you like him at all, you can probably do better than that.
     
  4. woskxn

    woskxn New Member

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    Are you people serious?

    All I heard there is that the new guy was more exciting. And that is no surprise, that is just the way things go.

    You just cant compare a relationship that has been going on for awhile (they are now engaged) to meeting a totally new person, someone you know nothing about. Its natural that it will be exciting. You are just at a different stage.

    Now, I also notice something else. You dont say that the sex is bad with your current bf (the one you are engaged to) but you say instead that he is more tame in bed. Again, sex is important, but you would think if it was not that good you would have left and not even thought about marriage with him. So that tells me, its not so much that he is bad, but its that the other guy may be better and its something new where there is a lot of excitement in the buildup to sex.

    So, I just want to make sure your expectations are realistic. You are at different stages, you cant expect the feeling to be the same. I mean after a while you may start feeling that the fuck buddy starts being tame because u are just at a different point..you know too much about each other, and things just change.


    sex is important, but it can be worked on along with the other things if you truly care about the other person.

    As they say, bored people are boring. If things are not good in bed, or not as good as you want them to be..talk about it, and both people have to bring up their game :D
     
  5. wonderland

    wonderland Member

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    The bottom line Jools is that if he really wanted you he would leave his girlfriend. He says some not so nice things about her but he stays with her. You may have alot in common with him but you seem like you are a last fling for him. You deserve someone who will give you their full attention. Good Luck
     
  6. Knight-7x6

    Knight-7x6 New Member

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    I agree, good advice wonderland :)

    Also, its in women's nature/genes/instinct to become emotionally attached to anyone they have sex with, males dont grow as attached but hey it happens ;)
    Anyway, I dont think its fair to the guy you're with and you should choose someone or break it off with both and find someone who doesnt have a gf. wonderland is right, if he really wanted you he'd be with just you and not you and the other girl.
     
  7. Max

    Max New Member

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    I would take the same line as Wonderland but maybe in reverse.

    This is what caught my eye:

    I wonder if he would continue to treat you like royalty if he were to discover what has been going on in his absence.
     
  8. Simon9

    Simon9 Active Member

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    Good point, Max. How open is your relationship with your bf? Would this behavior alienate him?


    "Bob" may well be using you to get the sex he isn't getting from his fiancee, just as you're using him to get the sex you aren't getting from the bf. Sexual attitudes/behaviors can be worked on, but in my experience, people rarely change. Your sex life with your bf will probably always be conservative. But do his other qualities outweigh "Bob"?

    "Bob" sounds like he really needs to ask himself whether he wants Miss Materialistic and Sexually Boring to be his wife. Because she's not likely to change either. I hope neither of you rushes into anything right now.
     
  9. D_Barbi_Queue

    D_Barbi_Queue Account Disabled

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    10 years ago, i left my fiance for my "fuck buddy." We're celebrating our 8 yr wedding anniversary next Friday - and yes, all 8 yrs have been great.

    Do what your heart tells you....pick the one that you are the happiest with but just make sure that he feels the same about you.
     
  10. woskxn

    woskxn New Member

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    Well, thats great to hear Texassgirl, but usually thats not the case for a lot of people.

    Really, things usually have a way of making sense. If you meet your partner as a fuck buddy, that is not a solid foundation to have a marriage. You met on on a totally bad pretense. Yeah you might have fell in love with that person and didn't intend to, but you fell in love with a person that you were having SEX ON THE SIDE WITH for the whole purpose of getting off. Things have a way of repeating themselves.

    Now you are lucky that hasn't happened in your marriage, but usually that is what happens.

    History has a way of repeating itself especially if the foundation is weak to start with.

    Anyways, good luck jools in whatever you decide to do.
     
  11. D_Barbi_Queue

    D_Barbi_Queue Account Disabled

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    I understand that it doesn't typically happen, but I also wanted to point out that it can but only Jools and her partner(s) are the ones that can truly decide that.

    It actually happened that before my hubby and I married, he moved to FL and I still lived in TX. We "were on a break" as he felt that I was too young to get serious and settled down and that "I hadn't lived life yet." So, even though I still loved him, I also knew that Navy pilots had a tendency to end relationships when they moved away. So I started seeing another but the second guy made it clear that he wasn't ready to settle down and just wanted someone to have fun with. I was fine with that b/c I still had hopes that my "pre-hubby" would eventually see things differently and want to make our relationship more serious. As it so happened, my second "fuck buddy" and I started to get serious too. We had a great relationship in every since of the word and we when broke it off (b/c my "hubby" did change his mind afterall) he even told me that he could have easily married me and that he had wished the circumstances to be different.

    Now maybe I'm a freak when it comes to relationships, or maybe I'm just good at "pussy whipping" *sarcasm* men (as they were both 5-7 yrs older than me), but I do believe that "fuck buddy" relationships can easily turn into something more meaningful. Granted, I also know that I will never know if the second relationship wouldn't have ever worked out or not either, and I don't really care since I'm so happy with my choice.

    Even though I personally cheated on my fiance when I was 19 (which was way too young to be engaged anyway) I would never consider it now that I've taken my vows. If people can't stick to vows or aren't in an open relationship, IMO I don't think they should be married. But that's moving into a whole different topic.

    Either way, Jools nor her "soulmate" should marry their current significant others unless they are all into open relationships. You certainly could be right that she is just attracted to the newness of the relationship rather him, but she'll never know until she gives it a shot. Otherwise she could wind up spending the rest of her life asking the "What If" question.
     
  12. txquis

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    Honestly, I can't tell you what to do...
    I have had great sex, without emotional love,
    and I've had emotional love without great sex,

    and I've had BOTH at the same time.


    I think we should all hope to find partners that fulfill us
    in both ways,
    but that isnt always possible.

    I suppose you have to decide sometimes whether the sexual
    or the emotional love is more important to you,
    and choose accordingly.

    The answer is different for all of us.

    Where there is emotional love, usually the sexual end of things
    can be worked out, i think.
     
  13. Imported

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    DieHard9x6: I think this is a normal phenomenon in a fuckbuddy relationship -- and the more sensitive a person is, the more likely it is to occur. Please forgive the generalization, but I think women are more sensitive people than men (straight ones, anyhow, lol).

    The phenomenon is this: sex (especially w/orgasms) creates intimacy and emotional connection. In some cases it's a lot more gradual than others, but at least at the subconscious level, your id or whatever is goading you to repeat the actions that make you feel good, training you to want to be with the person(s) that provide that feeling. In my experience, EVERY fuckbuddy relationship has involved at least one of the buddies wanting more; in some cases marriage, kids, etc., might be enough logical and legal barrier to stop the growth of that relationship, but the craving for more is still created.

    That answers your actual question, but of course we all want to help you with advice, if we can, so here's mine: try to take a complete break from the fuckbuddy while your bf is in town (or if he's not departing again anytime soon, try a month or so). After being with you for years and "treating you like a queen", he deserves a fair chance to re-solidify the relationship -- and don't be afraid to try to spice him up a bit, if that's what you want in a partner. See how you feel about him and your buddy after that.

    Frankly, my instinct tells me that you may only have maintained your relationship with the bf because he is a nice person who treats you well, despite other incompatibilities -- I've experienced this in my own past. But I've also been through a situation where, in the absence of my gf, I wound up with a wild, erotic, sexy fuckbuddy, who was a great friend and companion, but couldn't replace the gf in my heart.

    So take your time, give the bf a fair chance, and try to ask YOURSELF why you're with him vs. why you took a fuckbuddy, and which future (bf, fb, or neither) would be the one most likely to result in long-term happiness.

    Good luck, we're all rooting for ya.
     
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