Fucky buddy or not to fuck buddy....

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by Imported, Sep 8, 2003.

  1. Imported

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    GreenEyes: that is the question.

    Some guy I went on a date with over a year and a half ago has sprung up in my life recently.  We only met one time out of a spoof but I did enjoy the evening.  We kissed and I did forget about that until he brought it up the other day.  Later on that night he had called me and yes we had phone sex.   :eek:

    A day or two later he had im'd me saying he didn't want to lead me on and yad da da.  So hey such is life and I moved on.  Months later I had called him cause I had found his number and we just talked.  A smart man and interesting.

    Then months go by again and now he starts to im me.  My recent dilema is on Friday he tells me he is amourous.  Shit I can relate it has been a while for me too.  He wants to meet but the timing isn't right for me.  So we kind of agree on next weekend.  

    Last night he im's me and we talk.  For whatever reason I asked him if he got lucky this weekend for I remember how urgent he seemed to have been in conversation.  He said, "yes, I got together with some woman I have been corresponding with on line".  He then proceeds to tell me that he self pleasured himself thinking of me and how great he thinks we would be together.  (blowing on my fingers right now and sitting up proud cause I know how good I can be  ;) )

    I think and think again. Yes, he offers potential but yet he is like me commttment phobic or just too unsure on what exactly he wants.  Basically the feeling I get is just a fuck buddy.  When I say to him you should give it time with this woman and see where it goes, he agrees.  Another sign to me that he might want to date her.  I am too old to fight over a man or to play the games.  You either want me or you don't.  

    So I tell him in a diplomatic way that it isn't going to happen with us at this moment.  Realize I do appreciate his honesty and because of that I can base a logical decision than allow myself to be deceived.  He makes some comment that sometimes when things are meant to be they will happen and some things are worth waiting for.  He even says he feels like kicking himself over this all.  This confussed me even more.  

    So what I am thinking with quesions.

    1.  Did he just want a fuck buddy?

    2.  Why did it take him this long to figure out he wanted to
        sleep with me?

    3.  If I did sleep with him who knows what this other woman
        may have or for that matter what he might?

    4.  Why do some men that a woman may fight over him with
        another woman?

    5.  I am just dumbfounded by it all and confused.

    Don't worry I know I made the right decision in telling him no for now but at the same time I might end up kicking myself also.  To me I just do not think it is going to happen this late now.  Realize on our initial hanging out I was open to explore a sexual or relationship with him.  A year and a half later a lot in my life has changed and it makes me wonder how he could be so patient over it all.

    I suppose that most women, well this one, wants to feel that a man will die for her.  That or at least give me the impression that he will.  To move heaven and earth.  Something like I want him to feel I am giving him.

    OK discuss.
     
  2. Imported

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    AnonyMs: A friend with "benefits" may temporarily satisfy but emotionally leaves me with an empty spot.  I'm with you - I want a guy I know will die for me, protect me, honor me, adore me, love me... I want to know he wants to be with me even if he isn't getting any...  and the only way that will happen is if he doesn't get any!


    Maybe it can happen, but I have never had this kind of friend turn into something more.  Anyone have that happen?

     
  3. Imported

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    7x6andchg: From the opposite side of the table -

    I have had it happen, Nony...but when things do go sour, they go sour in a hurry...because you have this vested interest (the sex) in it....sex carries a lot of emotional baggage with it, in my opinion, and it's hard to just toss that "overboard", so to speak...

    So when we were done (her choice)...it was hard to remain friends...we've kinda drifted...

    7x6&C
     
  4. Imported

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    AnonyMs: So, Paul... are you saying you had a friend with benefits that turned into more than a friendship and when that was over, you could not return to just being friends in any form or fashion?
     
  5. Imported

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    7x6andchg: That's what I am saying - she broke it off, and I tried, quite valiantly, to continue to be friends...but it seemed like the "emotional baggage" of our sexual relations made it impossible for her.

    I don't mean to make it sound at all like she was the problem - it just didn't fit into her idea of what could happen next...so we drifted apart (cue Journey)...

    Paul
     
  6. Imported

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    GreenEyes: I know for me it is difficult to remain friends. I am finding it difficult right now with my best friend/lover (long distance and a long story to boot) It is like part of me wants to hold on but in doing so I am not allowing myself to open up to new experiences.

    My ex fiance (another long story) I couldn't remain friends. Then years later we bumped into each other for a reason and he suggested we hang out and do the sex thing. Red lights in my mind. Realize I was tortured for three hours on how I tore out his heart, how he is over me, and can we have sex together, with can you set me up with somebody? Again torture but something I suppose I deserved for canceling the wedding four months before it happened.

    So what would stop us from digressing backwards if I choose to have him as a sex thing? An old saying in the past that seems to hold true "There are reasons why exes are exes."

    Sorry 7 you both couldn't make it work but I understand it in a way.
     
  7. Imported

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    7x6andchg: I understand it too...sex for me is not something I just "give away" to people...we were fairly good friends who had that develop...and then..we just weren't good friends anymore...no hard feelings on either side.

    Ah well...as John Michael Montgomery said..."Life's a dance you learn as you go"...

    7x6&C
     
  8. Imported

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    GreenEyes: [quote author=7by6etC link=board=women;num=1063063652;start=0#6 date=09/08/03 at 17:14:42]I understand it too...sex for me is not something I just "give away" to people...we were fairly good friends who had that develop...and then..we just weren't good friends anymore...no hard feelings on either side.

    Ah well...as John Michael Montgomery said..."Life's a dance you learn as you go"...

    7x6&C[/quote]

    So true and I am one that wants to dance through life!

    I do have to admit that when I reached my 30's it was easier for me to give sex away. To just see sex as sex. No offense but I saw it like a man meaning the physical act without the emotion. (must add not all men are like this)

    Now I suppose after being in a near marriage experience and having several years to float about I would want one.

    Hence why this one guy I am not sure what his intentions are. We do get along but at the same time he doesn't even know. Again the committment phobic thing. I suppose the feeling one has of being trapped in something they really don't want. I know that scares the shit out of me. I just want to make sure it is right for the rest of my life or his.
     
  9. Imported

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    7x6andchg: I know that feeling - I think one of the reasons I'm not married at 30 yo and some of my friends are at...24, 25, etc. is because I want to make sure I am married ONCE. I don't take marriage lightly. Not that anyone does, but I'm a careful soul to begin with.

    7x6&C
     
  10. Imported

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    GreenEyes: Nods I can relate.

    With that said, "OK so do I go fuck buddy or not?" :D
     
  11. Imported

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    7x6andchg: I wouldn't.

    Personally speaking, I think you put a lot on the line even with fuck buddies...and that's just me...that perhaps doesn't make it worth it.

    His kicking himself probably deals with your second question - he's wishing he had perhaps kept things going sooner...playing regrets...and who among us doesn't know THAT game?

    Nony has her BOB - and I have Rosy Palm and her five sisters. :D If a release is needed it can be gotten elsewhere...not the best substitute, but one nonetheless.

    Just my 2 cents,
    7x6&C
     
  12. Imported

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    wvalady1968: [quote author=7by6etC link=board=women;num=1063063652;start=0#6 date=09/08/03 at 17:14:42]I understand it too...sex for me is not something I just "give away" to people...
    7x6&C[/quote]

    I know. I've never been able to be casual about sex. If I'm attracted enought to have sex with someone, things have already gone to a deeper level.

    Sorry, Paul, that it didn't work out.

    :'(
     
  13. Imported

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    AnonyMs: GreenEyes: I can tell you his intentions. He is wanting a physical relationship and if an emotional one should spring up out of that, well... maybe he can handle that and maybe he can not - he is not going to say he is completely unopposed to that because if he does he knows the chances of getting what he is wanting - SEX - are greatly diminished. But neither is he going to say he would stick around for what happens after the afterglow wears off.

    You want advice? Here it is. Give it a miss.
     
  14. Imported

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    GreenEyes: I know sweetie hence why I gave it a miss. Just wanted to share the scenerio and see what others thought.

    It is bizarre I had shared with him some of my writings way back when. Recently he was saying he didn't want me to think he just wanted to talk sex with me or not.

    I do give him credit for being honest with me and appreciate it. Again gives me a choice in matters of what is appropriate for me. It also pushes aside deception and false hope.

    It is just frustrating is all. Again thanks for those with opinions and advice and what not.
     
  15. Imported

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    awellhungboi: Yeah, sounds like he's just playing head games with you. I think if the right 'casual fuck buddy' comes along, you'll know it because you'll feel comfortable with the situation. Confusion in a 'fucky buddy' scenario is usually a Red light. Your psyche saying, "Stop!"

    Don't beat yourself up, though. You'll find someone good, and someone deserving of you, I'm sure.
     
  16. Pecker

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    I wouldn't if I were you.  Let him continue to get together with his online 'friends.'

    When physically with you he couldn't follow up - he seems to be most amorous when IM'ing.  There's something distant and detached about that.

    You'd probably end up being just another notation in his little black book.

    Pecker

    (He has the Midas touch.  Everything he touches turns into a muffler.)
     
  17. Imported

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    chicago_girl: He just wants a fuck buddy and you know that. Go with your gut feeling.
     
  18. Imported

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    prepstudinsc: [quote author=7by6etC link=board=women;num=1063063652;start=0#8 date=09/08/03 at 17:26:21]I know that feeling - I think one of the reasons I'm not married at 30 yo and some of my friends are at...24, 25, etc. is because I want to make sure I am married ONCE.  I don't take marriage lightly.  Not that anyone does, but I'm a careful soul to begin with.

    7x6&C[/quote]

    Paul-
    It's so refreshing to hear a young guy think that way. I thought I was the only one who felt that marriage is a one time thing. I've got too many friends who, in their early 30's, have been married and divorced, sometimes multiple times. People these days have no respect for the marriage union. Maybe I'm old-fashioned, prudish, etc, but I want to get married once and have it last. My grandparents just celebrated their 63rd wedding anniversary two weeks ago. I know that if I wait much longer to get married, there's not going to be a 63rd anniversary in the cards for me, but I just haven't met a girl that I felt was the right one. I'd rather be single and happy than married and miserable. In the meantime, I'm waiting for the right one to come along.....
     
  19. Imported

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    wvalady1968: [quote author=prepstudinsc link=board=women;num=1063063652;start=0#17 date=09/13/03 at 05:31:16]

    I'd rather be single and happy than married and miserable.  In the meantime, I'm waiting for the right one to come along.....
    [/quote]

    So true!! You keep waiting, Paul!! She'll come along.
    :-*
     
  20. Imported

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    Turbo: converting a fuck buddy into more is usually a bad idea.

    had that happen once and urghh it was one of the nastiest relationships that ever happened.


    If you want a fuck buddy, then go for it.... so long as it can remain just that.
    Also be prepared to never see him again.

    As for this fella having all this 'other' interest' check to see if they are for real... maybe he might just be pulling a fast one to show u on how sought after he is when he is actually just a sorry ass stalker.
     
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