Funeral Threads

Osiris

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I don't think anyone would begrudge you this. One plans when one can, and if you don't have that opportunity then you don't. Modern life being what it is, some people can only attend on short notice or on a break from work where uniforms or other dress may be required. There is no shame in that. What matters is that you were able to express your sorrow and respect for the deceased and his family.

My uncle was the first chief of staff of our local hospital and the funeral was held in a church across the street from the hospital. At his funeral the narthex was filled with people from all over the hospital who took a few minutes to come over as time allowed. This meant a great deal to my family and nobody gave a damn how they were dressed because we knew they were constrained by the needs of their work.

Agreed. DV set out how he wants to go and that is a different story. I also take into account people who may have other circumstances. I know we had someone in a similar situation to yours with your friend at my grandmother's funeral. They respectfully came up to us all seated at the front and said, "Pardon the attire, I couldn't get off work in time and wanted to make sure I got her to say goodbye and pay my respects."

To me, that is a proper way to handle it because as we all know, just like death, life happens.
 

B_Monster

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I had an Aunt that was buried in a fire engine red dress and wanted every one to wear something red, she was a great fun Aunt.
 

jason_els

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I had an Aunt that was buried in a fire engine red dress and wanted every one to wear something red, she was a great fun Aunt.


:haha: I had an aunt like that! During the funeral the minister not only constantly fumbled his words but even her name! He was so bad, so dull, that I imagined her opening the lid of her coffin and climbing out to smack him across the face and maybe it was the horrendous heat but the vision was so amusing that I burst out laughing, grabbing a handkerchief and burying my face in it to pretend I was crying.

She would have loved that.

Osiris said:
They respectfully came up to us all seated at the front and said, "Pardon the attire, I couldn't get off work in time and wanted to make sure I got her to say goodbye and pay my respects."

Precisely how that situation should be handled.
 

nay-nay

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i'm half native american, for those that don't know, and we don't dress up at all. we can't shower for 4 days, can't listen to music, have to cancel plans of course, and we have to be quiet. we wear normal clothes, and we have to wear them the entire 4 days, from the time the person dies til 4 days after. can't brush your hair either. you have to be strong and not cry. also, if any woman has her period, she cannot attend the funeral or anything. if it was your spouse that died, you have to stay in your room, with the lights off and people have to bring food to you, you cannot brush your hair, and when you go to the funeral, you have to be all covered up except your eyes so you can see. they are buried in traditional native american clothing.

when my grandpa passed away, my mom had to walk my grandma to the funeral a separate way from everyone else. i had gone to nothing but indian's funerals, up til i was 16. my friend's dad passed away, and i felt sooo weird and out of place. i didn't know how to dress. i went to my counselor for help and she told me how to dress. it was totally different than what i was used to.

also, we don't have fancy coffins and those huge things with the name on it. i don't even know what they are called. :confused: our coffins are made out of wood. simple and quick. they are buried in the woods. we have our own cemetaries where no one would ever find them. instead, we have these things with the name on it that you stick into the ground. they are really small, but big enough so you can see the names. also, when someone dies, someone else is adopted to take that person's place. they do not move in and all that, they live in their own house. that doesn't change. it's just when my grandpa died, we adopted someone else so now he is my grandpa.
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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I've always tried to view funerals as a time to celebrate the life of the person who has passed on... we can all grieve on our own time. So for me, what I wear would depend on the person... if it were my mother, I'd wear something bright and happy - just like her. :smile:
 

midlifebear

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Dear SpoiledPrincess:

First, please accept my sympathy regarding the loss in your family.

Second, I tend to side with you regarding wearing black at funerals, especially if it's a long formal affair where one must endure a eulogy in a church or synagogue then be part of a cortege to a cemetery and witness the internment. And if you are asked to be a pall bearer and don&#8217;t own a black suit, politely decline the family&#8217;s request and suggest someone else as an alternate. Trust me, they&#8217;ll appreciate it as well as understand.

But consider the following:

Funeral 1: When my outrageously wonderful best friend died at 47, his evangelical christian family &#8211; his &#8220;loved ones&#8221; who had angrily disowned him in his teens for being gay -- agreed to pay for his cremation and reimburse me for any "expenses" involved. This included shipping his ashes 2,000 miles back to their home in Boston. They couldn&#8217;t be bothered with attending their only son&#8217;s funeral, which as it turned out was for the best.

I consulted with the only funeral home in Salt Lake City at that time willing to handle the remains of people who died of AIDS-related complications. The funeral director asked if I wanted to have a four-hour viewing. It was included with the cremation. So, I decided why the Hell not? Within 24-hours the news spread via word of mouth and just about everyone who knew my friend showed up at the funeral home to have one last peek. His shriveled remains were on display from 2:00 to 6:00 PM contained inside the minimum legal requirements for a coffin: a long reinforced cardboard box with a fuzzy gold floral print surface. He was still covered in a sheet from the morgue. Friends (and some enemies) arrived dressed in everything and anything. Attire included swim suits, pajamas, sweat pants, Realtors in gold blazers, and a few suits, jackets, &#8220;Power Pant Suits&#8221; and subdued dark blouses with skirts and sensible shoes. Most mourners brought floral bouquets "borrowed" from strangers&#8217; gardens while in transit from work or home. My friend had worked as a sommelier for 25 years. Thus, many bottles of tequila and expensive wines appeared out of nowhere and were discretely passed among the bereaved. Within the first 30 minutes his viewing turned into a wake. Seeing that he was wrapped in only a sheet, two of his former coworkers left and quickly returned with an ancient 50&#8217;s era organza prom dress. They tucked it over and around him inside the cheap paper box. The frock was appropriately colored faded lavender. The dress&#8217;s unruly tulle petticoats billowed out and over the box adding a sense of even more ludicrous elegance. Someone clad his feet with tacky gold lam&#233; flip-lops. A Magic 8-Ball was placed on his chest. During those four hours he became a work-in-progress as friends decorated him with old costume jewelry, a tiara, personal photos, (some porn), rose petals and blossoms. For the last hour of his final public appearance he wore a pair of sunglasses. Promptly at 6:00 PM eight burly drag queens dressed all in black, replete with black gloves, veiled hats and stiletto patent leather heels magically showed up and served as pall bearers, marching him off to the crematorium&#8217;s waiting van. It was a sad, yet wonderful afternoon during which more than 400 people, mostly dressed in jeans and T-shirts, paid their respect.

Funeral 2: In contrast, when my father died at 94, everyone, including the funeral director, grumbled and complained about my father's request to have a grave-side service. Fortunately, it was a beautiful, sunny and warm October day. I used the occasion as an excuse to buy myself a new tailor-made black suit. What&#8217;s left of my extended family (distant aunts, uncles, nieces and cousins of varying degrees) as well as my parent&#8217;s few living friends and neighbors were smart enough wear black. I purchased 8 identical black silk ties for the pall bearers (Windsor knots) and red carnations for their lapels.

My father was an old-fashioned farmer who hated suits and ties and refused to wear them. He did not own a suit. When he was still alive he frequently made me promise that he would not be buried &#8220;dressed in a god damn monkey suit!&#8221; His words, not mine. So, when mourners wobbled and creaked past his open grave-side casket and found him dressed in a new Sears work shirt, new crisp striped overalls, and his favorite John Deer cap (to use one of my dad&#8217;s favorite expressions) &#8220;The shit hit the fan!&#8221; Nary a guest passed by without muttering something negative or letting out an audible gasp.

My father had grown up in Ewetaw surrounded by mormon culture. Although his grand children and great grand children are devout followers of that particular belief system, I can assure you that my dad NEVER attended mormon church services. I&#8217;d taken great care to prepare a short, respectful grave side service as he had requested with a minute of silence (instead of prayer). I hired two sopranos from the Ewetaw Opera Company to belt out an abbreviated A capella version of the soothing duet Viens, Mallika ... D&#244;me &#233;pais, le jasmin, from L&#233;o Deliebes&#8217; Lakm&#233;. The duet has nothing to do with funerals, god, heaven, the hallowed suffering of mormon pioneers or tuna casserole, but it&#8217;s beautiful and serene music. It was also one of my dirt farmer father&#8217;s favorite tunes on his Greatest Opera Hits CD which he never seemed to remove from the CD player in his tricked out Dodge Ram 2500 SLT Deisel 4 x 4 truck. His mourners, however, would have preferred a couple of comely octogenarian vibratos crackle their voices through something from the mormon hym book.

As for dressing for the occasion, the mormon bishop (lay clergyman) from what would have been my father&#8217;s &#8220;ward&#8221; (neighborhood parish) showed up unannounced wearing khaki Dockers, cowboy boots, short-sleeved shirt with clip-on tie, and wielding his bible and book or mormon. He was just biting at the bit to trump the occasion of my father&#8217;s death with a few kind words from &#8220;The Church.&#8221; Although I was caught off guard, I deftly pulled him out of sight and forced him to leave by telling him &#8220;I&#8217;m sorry, sir, but you are not dressed appropriately.&#8221;

So, yeah, be respectful and dress for the occaion. And if possible, respect the deceased&#8217;s wishes. Just because they are dead does not mean we can ignore them an rewrite their life to suit the cut of what the living considers to be fashionable. If my dad had been a surfer dude who spent his life hanging-ten from Huntington Beach to Sandy Eggo, I would have thrown him an ocean-side kegger where guests would have been required to romp barefoot or relax in their Brazlian-made Habanas &#8211; shirts and bikini tops optional. In my uppity opininion, that&#8217;s appropriate behavior.
 

Osiris

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I've always tried to view funerals as a time to celebrate the life of the person who has passed on... we can all grieve on our own time. So for me, what I wear would depend on the person... if it were my mother, I'd wear something bright and happy - just like her. :smile:

When my mother died, she was clear she wanted no funeral or wake. My brother (being lead by the thieving side of the family) insited on one. I allowed a wake but said my brother is in control of it, mother's remains would not be present (she was cremated), and I would not be there.

While he was at the specatacle of a wake (I got nothing but complaints from family friends for weeks after about it), my two best friends, myself and my mother's disguised urn had dinner at the Peppercorn Duck Club as she would have wanted to be remembered and sent off.

And SP, please forgive my rudeness. You have my prayers and condolences.
 

B_Italian1

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I've been to a funeral this morning (my aunt who I hadn't seen for some years) and I was quite glad to see that everyone was in dark colours - black, navy, brown, I prefer this tradition but find that many people now go to funerals in ordinary clothes - bright colours, flowered garments, even jeans.

Do you think it's a sign of respect to stick to dark, sober clothing or do you think the days of mourning clothes are long gone?

Sorry for your loss. I think the days of mourning clothes are long gone. When my parents were young, people wore dark clothes for a year of mourning following the death of a close family member. My grandmother was widowed in her late 40's, and up until she died at age 80, she still wore navy blue and mostly dark clothes--once a widow, always a widow. I don't wear a suit to funerals unless it's someone really close to me, but I don't down dress to an extreme. I've worn tan pants and thought it was appropriate. As long as people are neat and clean, I think most anything is appropriate these days. I've seen people with sneakers and jeans at wakes and funerals and was quite appalled. And obviously no hooded sweatshirts, sweatshirts of any time, sweat pants, or really casual clothes that you'd wear hanging around or going shopping. A few days after Christmas I went to a funeral, and the grandson of the deceased, who's in his early 40's, had on jeans and sneakers. Yes, times have changed.
 

D_Gunther Snotpole

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i'm half native american, for those that don't know, and we don't dress up at all.

Fascinating, nay-nay.
I'm fascinated by all matters native American.
I wonder if these customs are followed by many different tribes, or if customs differ a lot from tribe to tribe.
What can you tell me?
Also, if I may ask, what tribe are you from?
(If you were here in Canada, I would ask, from which First Nation, but I know that in the 'States, you don't use that term.)
 

B_ScaredLittleBoy

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I prefer to avoid funerals. Oftentimes I feel I don't have the right to be there, that I didn't 'know' the deceased (properly) etc. I avoid a lot of family funerals too since I'm kind of viewed as a bastard child (by both sides) and I feel very out of place at such functions.

Recently I went to my great grandmas funeral and before that my other great grandad's funeral...I feel 'bad' because I don't cry at funerals. Am I some kind of monster? :eek:

I wore a suit to my great grandma's funeral and a shirt and jeans to my great grandad's. Black suit but it was a blue shirt and dark jeans at the other, everyone was dressed in colour there, I think it was 'the way'.
 

frgman

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First let me offer my sincere sympathy. Times are changing. That's a good thing. We need to learn to rejoice when someone leaves this world, not be sad. Clothes have nothing to do with the process. It was just custom or traditional attire. To those who still feel comfortable with tradition, so be it.
I attended a funeral where they requested everyone wear white. So I did that. It is different strokes for different folks. But, the final choice should be "what do you feel is appropiate".
 

nay-nay

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Fascinating, nay-nay.
I'm fascinated by all matters native American.
I wonder if these customs are followed by many different tribes, or if customs differ a lot from tribe to tribe.
What can you tell me?
Also, if I may ask, what tribe are you from?
(If you were here in Canada, I would ask, from which First Nation, but I know that in the 'States, you don't use that term.)

Meskwaki Nation of the Sac & Fox Tribe in Iowa. :smile: There are two branches of the Sac & Fox. The Sauk (or Sac) are in Oklahoma, and the Fox are in Iowa. I have actually just started reading a couple of books about my history. I want to be more knowledgeable, in case people ask. I should know about it anyway. :tongue:

I'm not really sure if other tribes go by the same things.

Also, owls mean something bad is going to happen (usually Death). All kinds of owls hang around the house and they are soooo loud all throughout the night. Happens EVERYTIME someone in my family dies. I don't like seeing or hearing owls (pronounced "wee-duh-goo's" in Meskwaki). :biggrin1: Anyway, I don't want to go too far off topic. Feel free to PM me.
 

Lex

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My greatgrandmother was deeply religious (southern Baptist by way of Methodist). She made it a point to tell everyone that she did not want us wearing "dead colors" at her funeral. She truly viewed her death as a home-going experience and as a celebration of her life by those who loved her.

I did not wear bright colors. I did, however, not wear black. I had on a dark, patterned jacket, blue shirt, tie and slacks. It was weird, but I did not feel overwhelmingly sad at her funeral. I knew she was where she had worked so hard to get to and I was happy to know that "all her suffering on this earthly plane" (as she would put it) was far behind her.

That being said, I do not think jeans are appropriate, I hate seeing kids in pajamas in public, guys with pants hanging off their asses and women at the white house in flip-flops. UGH.
 

prepstudinsc

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I am a traditionalist when it comes to funerals. For my own, I want to have an early evening viewing followed by a funeral service. The next morning, I want to have a private graveside service for close family and friends only. At the funeral service, I don't want a lot of preaching. At that point, I can't be preached into heaven. The way I lived my life preached the sermon for me, so just some prayers and some Scripture readings that would provide some comfort to the mourners is all that's needed. Now as to music...well, it's gonna be a shoutin' good time. I want there to be lots and lots of music, all of it upbeat. I know that if I am to die at anytime in the near future, the whole music department from my church will turn out and when over 300 choir members get to praisin', it's going to be a Homegoing Celebration.

For my grandmother's funeral back in April, I took charge of everything being that I'm also a mortician. She wanted to be cremated after having a viewing and church service. Living in south Florida, she did not own a lot of black, nor would she want to be buried in all black. I dressed her in a very dressy print blouse that was red, black, gold, with a black skirt. She looked like she would be going to a nice dinner party. The service was supposed to be upbeat, but because of the god-awful musicians, it was way too somber for my tastes. A letter to the church's pastor and the Archbishop of Miami got some people jumping and we got all the honorariums paid to the church refunded and I got a personal apology letter from the Archbishop.

We are now looking at a funeral for my grandfather in the fairly near future. We're preparing ourselves early, because he's starting to decline very quickly and has some major surgery in the past few months that knocked him for a loop. When we have his funeral, I think I am going to dress him to go out in a sort of business casual type of outfit. Slacks, dress shirt and sport coat, no tie--he spends most of his time in shorts, why dress him in clothes that he felt are too stifling. I will have a conference with the Pastor of the church before his funeral and I will have one of my friends do the music, so we don't have to deal with the horrendous cacophony that my mother and I laughed through at my grandmother's funeral.

We requested no flowers for my grandmother because there was not going to be a burial. We purchased some stunning urn arrangements to go on pillars at the ends of the casket and a matching casket spray made of all her favorite tropical flowers, including Bird of Paradise, which was her overall favorite flower. We requested memorials to be sent to a charity because the money spent on flowers could go to something for perpetuity.
My grandmother always said that she wanted to enjoy the flowers while she lived, because she wouldn't see them at her funeral. I made it a point to always send her flowers throughout the year.

For my funeral, please send all the flowers you want, and on my casket, I want a floral explosion done in all white with tropical greens draping down over the cherrywood.

PS. And if anyone sends one of those wreaths with a ribbon that says "Jesus Called" and has a telephone in it...I will come back and haunt you!
 

SpeedoGuy

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Do you think it's a sign of respect to stick to dark, sober clothing or do you think the days of mourning clothes are long gone?

I think dark, sober clothing remains, as always, completely appropriate for a funeral.

And if this issue is in doubt then see how stupidly and disrespectfully US vice President, Dick Cheney, dressed in comparison to other national leaders during a memorial at Auschwitz.

http://www.reycorp.com/reyonthehill/image/cheney_holocaust.jpg
 

Quite Irate

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I knew a guy who dictated that, "everything goes, except red satin". He was worried that he'd come back from the dead to hit on the person who wore it. :rolleyes:
 

ledroit

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I've been to a funeral this morning (my aunt who I hadn't seen for some years) and I was quite glad to see that everyone was in dark colours - black, navy, brown, I prefer this tradition but find that many people now go to funerals in ordinary clothes - bright colours, flowered garments, even jeans.

Do you think it's a sign of respect to stick to dark, sober clothing or do you think the days of mourning clothes are long gone?


Sorry to hear about your aunt, but I like the question. People dress up for special occasions like weddings and funerals, as a way to signal how important they are.

Wearing black is a western thing (not a religious thing)--and wearing white at funerals happens in other cultures.

I think it's a great way to remember that people communicate in all kinds of ways, and with our bodies and behavior--not just our words.

How you dress and behave at those moments can say a great deal to people who are grieving, and so upset they can't speak very much themselves. In my experience, a family is grateful for anything like this that demonstrates how much you understand what they are going through. Especially at very momentous times, people seem naturally drawn to something formal and timeless, since they have just been reminded of how even the people we love most can suddenly vanish without a trace. I think that is why we like traditions and ceremonies that feel timeless themselves, and make us feel as though some things will long survive us, even if everyone we love vanishes, as we ourselves one day must.
 

SpoiledPrincess

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Thanks to all the people who offered their sympathy, I hadn't seen my aunt for some years but when I was younger I was very close to her, so at the funeral it was the aunt of my younger years I recalled, not the one I hadn't seen or been close to for a while, and I think at funerals we also recall all the other people we've lost.