Funerals and Death

DC_DEEP

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JA, thank you for that perspective.

We had all known for years that Mom wanted to be cremated, so we were all fully prepared for the fact that there would be no casket, no corpse.

The brand-new associate pastor at Mom's church gave the eulogy. She didn't know Mom, as Mom had not been able to attend church for some time due to her severe arthritis and some other diabetes-related issues. But this pastor interviewed several of my siblings and long-time members of the church, and wrote the eulogy based upon that. It was the most beautiful service I think I have ever witnessed (not just a funeral, but the most beautiful of any church service.) I was surprised at just how comforting it was. I also knew that Mom was well-loved, but I was not prepared for it to literally be a standing-room only service, with people standing in the aisles, and down the hallway straining to hear.

This incredible eulogy, I suppose, served the same purpose for me that the open casket does for others.

Mom's health had declined, but her death was unexpected. I was lucky, I had spoken to her on the phone just one night before, and had a last chance to say "I love you."

A word of advice to anyone who has someone they care about: don't miss your chance; if you love someone, tell them. Never allow yourself to have that one regret.
 

naughty

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Well I'm a mortician so I have a different take on this than most people since it's my business. However, it's all about the living. The deceased has gone on, it should be about remembering a life lived and celebrating the memories.

My grandmother died this past week and I am still out of town because the funeral was just yesterday.

We used a great funeral home and they let me sort of take over and run things for my family. I did not want to embalm my grandmother, but I was able to do her hair, makeup and dress her. That was the last kind thing I could do for her, because she had been sick for a few months. She lost a ton of weight but being able to embalm her and get her looking like she did prior to death was something that really helped my grandfather, uncle and mother.

I also planned things on the church end, since I'm also a church musician. Don't get me started on the music--I was crying harder over the bad musicians rather than mourning my grandmother! LOL

Wow,

I was wondering if you were involved in her final preparations. I am glad you had the opportunity to make sure she looked in death as she would have liked. Be kind about the music. Remember this, "God trumphs over the ruins of our plans" St. Augustine
 

earllogjam

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A word of advice to anyone who has someone they care about: don't miss your chance; if you love someone, tell them. Never allow yourself to have that one regret.

Yes, I've found that I take a lot of important people in my life for granted, especially the ones I am very close to just because they have always been there. It's odd saying I love you to a straight man if you are gay or a married woman friend. I usually like to express my feelings with actions and not words but yes it is nice to hear that someone loves you from their mouth.
 

hot-rod

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I'm going to a funeral next Saturday and I've been told that it will be an open casket ceremony. Oh joy. I've been to just maybe 2 of these and I hated it. Absolutely hated it. It all seems just so unnatural, so odd to me that anyone would want to be embalmed with formadehyde, have make-up put on them so they look alive, and then be hermetically sealed in a padded coffin and placed in the ground to be preserved forever. Who is going to dig you up open the coffin and look at you? Does it matter? I understand that doing this lets people remember you better if they can see your likeness, but they never look like how you'd like to remember them. It seems all grotesqe and morbid to me after thinking about it. I used to just take if for granted but now having to go to this funeral - I think it is so against what I feel about the cycle of life. Ashes to ashes dust to dust, come from the earth, return to the earth seems far more poetic and beautiful to me.

What's the best way to go when your time comes?
It's all about making money. Costs a fortune to bring us in, and all of your children's inheritance to bury you. The church has programed us to be beautiful in death. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
 

davidjh7

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well every body mourens diffrently....funerals are a complex issue ,religion age ,and so much more..... ive been to a lot of funerals,friends realatives my father ...so on .. but hands down nothing comes close to one that involves a child. ---- like my son . ive been shot by a gun ,and lay dying, lost 3 of my best buddies, and lost my father, none (absoulutley )none of those even come close to losing youre 3and ahalf year old son.........rip taylor...12-7-01 5-3-05..youre missed so very much son.

Every life is important and special to someone, but I could never even try to imagine the grief and pain the loss of your young child must impose. There are no words, no gestures, that could ever truly bring comfort---all I have to offer is that he was loved his whole life, and always knew he was loved. He missed the worst pains that life throws at us, and the image of him will always be that of a beautiful happy boy, whose life and joy touched all around him. You are in my prayers, and know that the very best of him lives on in those lives he touched.
 

davidjh7

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As for ME, I don't really care. As I have told others, I will be gone---for all I care, put me out with the weekly trash in an extra arge Hefty bag---after they've removed any useful organs I have left ( I have specified that I am an organ doner), that is. There are very few who will miss me, or even realize I am gone. And, no, this isn;t pathos, just fact.:smile: May you always be remembered and treasured in the hearts and minds of those lives you touch---for this is your immortality, and your chance to go on making a difference, long after you are gone.
 

prepstudinsc

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A word of advice to anyone who has someone they care about: don't miss your chance; if you love someone, tell them. Never allow yourself to have that one regret.

Soooooooo true! We should always feel that we can tell our loved ones (family AND friends) that we love them. We don't know the day or the hour when we will be taken away, so it's better to be prepared and let others know how we feel about them. I always try to tell this to my friends and family.

I was wondering if you were involved in her final preparations. I am glad you had the opportunity to make sure she looked in death as she would have liked.

I could have embalmed her if I wanted, but I felt it would be a little too close. So I opted to have her embalmed and then do everything from there on out. I got some good pictures of her in the casket and of the flowers, too. The flowers were stunning! I can't say enough good things about the funeral home we used or the florist.
 

naughty

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Soooooooo true! We should always feel that we can tell our loved ones (family AND friends) that we love them. We don't know the day or the hour when we will be taken away, so it's better to be prepared and let others know how we feel about them. I always try to tell this to my friends and family.



I could have embalmed her if I wanted, but I felt it would be a little too close. So I opted to have her embalmed and then do everything from there on out. I got some good pictures of her in the casket and of the flowers, too. The flowers were stunning! I can't say enough good things about the funeral home we used or the florist.



Well,
I am so glad you were happy with at least one part of the process. It is important for the ones left behind to feel comfortable with how the one departed leaves them.
 

B_Think_Kink

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well every body mourens diffrently....funerals are a complex issue ,religion age ,and so much more..... ive been to a lot of funerals,friends relatives my father ...so on .. but hands down nothing comes close to one that involves a child. ---- like my son . Ive been shot by a gun ,and lay dying, lost 3 of my best buddies, and lost my father, none (absolutely )none of those even come close to losing you're and half year old son.........rip taylor...12-7-01 5-3-05..youre missed so very much son.
I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Your son is beautiful.
I have no intention of going anywhere other than into cryostasis.
Are you serious? I think that is really disturbing....
I couldn't agree more. These are the worst! My father and my grandmothers all had some random minister talking about them. I think that was one of the worst parts for me. It just made my stomach turn.
The pastors that did the funerals for my grandparents knew them..... and the priest started crying during the procession, which made everyone cry. It was really touching to know that he was grieving with us.
 

nudeyorker

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You know you have to go with the flow of the wishes of the deceased! I myself when the time comes want to be cremated, I hope my friends will all gather at the club and knock a few back and remember the good times. and then go spread my ashes on the third floor of Bergdorf Goodman's Men's Store!:smile:
 

B_Think_Kink

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I don't think I would like to be embalmed... but I also don't think cremation is for me... you know I've never really thought about it. I agree with organs donation... but I also just it doesn't sit right with me while I'm alive. Maybe some irrational fears, and stuff that I'd have to overcome before I can really digest the thought of what to do with me after death. I've thought of where my money, and animals would go... but not as far as that.
 

IntoxicatingToxin

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I had a brother that died when I was five. It was open casket, and I was grateful. I can understand where you are coming from in that it seems a bit grotesque and morbid, but his death was sudden and unexpected. It was my only chance to say goodbye and see him one last time. I don't even remember the last time I saw him before he died, but I remember him in that casket, and I'm grateful. It's one of the few times I remember seeing his face. And he didn't look dead, he looked asleep. He looked peaceful. I'll never forget that.
 

arktrucker

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As a general rule, I don't do funerals. I've been to a few and see them as very brutal. When I remember and have a thought about my Dad, the first picture that comes to mind is his laying in the casket. And that isn't the way I wan't to remember his vibrancy. My Mother on the other hand refused to have a funeral. She wanted to be cremated and said if we had a funeral for her she would come back and haunt us. And if you ever knew my Mom, she would have!
Funerals are big business. I'm aware that morticians are there to make money. At my best friends father's funeral I went with his mother to pick out the casket. In Georgia they are requierd to have a vault over the casket to prevent collapse. The funeral director while showing them to the family, made one mistake that I couldn't hold back the resonse. He said this particular vault has a 'life time warranty' I spun around and looked at him and said... whose life???
 

prepstudinsc

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I hate this stereotype. Funeral homes DON'T make a lot of money and funeral directors are not in the profession for the paycheck. If you knew what a "name brand" casket actually cost (expecially metal ones) you will see that the mark up is not much. The discount casket stores are not selling name brand caskets because the main makers don't sell them through retail stores, they will only sell to funeral homes. The wood caskets are another thing. The top of the line ones are hand carved, hand polished to furniture grade quality. Cheap ones don't have the quality. I've seen cheap ones with runs in teh varnish.

As to funeral prices, the only thing a funeral home can set their fees for are services. They have people on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. People are there to assist on holidays, while others are vacationing, etc. On an easy funeral, without having to do a lot of extra work, it usually takes a minimum of 40 man hours. Add into that the merchandise and the funeral starts getting expensive.

Funeral homes are subjected to all sorts of inspections and have to pay lots of fees for biohazard waste, insurance, property taxes, vehicle taxes, state fees, salaries, so the consumer has to pay part of those in the funeral fee.

Most funeral directors start out making less than school teachers, and even when a person owns a funeral home, they often don't even get to take a paycheck, because they are paying out salaries and fees to everyone else.

Just a few things to consider...
 

nudeyorker

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I hate this stereotype. Funeral homes DON'T make a lot of money and funeral directors are not in the profession for the paycheck. If you knew what a "name brand" casket actually cost (expecially metal ones) you will see that the mark up is not much. The discount casket stores are not selling name brand caskets because the main makers don't sell them through retail stores, they will only sell to funeral homes. The wood caskets are another thing. The top of the line ones are hand carved, hand polished to furniture grade quality. Cheap ones don't have the quality. I've seen cheap ones with runs in teh varnish.

As to funeral prices, the only thing a funeral home can set their fees for are services. They have people on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. People are there to assist on holidays, while others are vacationing, etc. On an easy funeral, without having to do a lot of extra work, it usually takes a minimum of 40 man hours. Add into that the merchandise and the funeral starts getting expensive.

Fuenral homes are subjected to all sorts of inspections and have to pay lots of fees for biohazard waste, insurance, property taxes, vehicle taxes, state fees, salaries, so the consumer has to pay part of those in the funeral fee.

Most funeral directors start out making less than school teachers, and even when a person owns a funeral home, they often don't even get to take a paycheck, because they are paying out salaries and fees to everyone else.

Just a few things to consider...
I appreciate this and you sound like an honest person. But in the last several years my only experience has been with Frank Campbell in NYC and I feel like I've been raped every time! I have only dealt with the "Budget" cremations and not opted to pay the extra $1,000.000 for the cheap pillow and blanket to put in the pine box.
 

earllogjam

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I had a brother that died when I was five. It was open casket, and I was grateful. I can understand where you are coming from in that it seems a bit grotesque and morbid, but his death was sudden and unexpected. It was my only chance to say goodbye and see him one last time. I don't even remember the last time I saw him before he died, but I remember him in that casket, and I'm grateful. It's one of the few times I remember seeing his face. And he didn't look dead, he looked asleep. He looked peaceful. I'll never forget that.

The open casket funeral I vividly remember is for a close friend of mine who had lymphoma who was at the end physically a shell of a person that he was, the cancer had disfigured him. He had been sick for 2 years and I remember thinking that the body laying in that casket wasn't the person I'd grown up with, wasn't how I'd like to remember him. There was a shocking disconnect between what I remembered and reality. I didn't need to see him that way for my own personal closure. I think that came when I had to throw dirt into the grave on top of the casket. I keep great memories of him regardless of the funeral service.
 

B_BristolBill

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I hate this stereotype. Funeral homes DON'T make a lot of money and funeral directors are not in the profession for the paycheck. If you knew what a "name brand" casket actually cost (expecially metal ones) you will see that the mark up is not much. The discount casket stores are not selling name brand caskets because the main makers don't sell them through retail stores, they will only sell to funeral homes. The wood caskets are another thing. The top of the line ones are hand carved, hand polished to furniture grade quality. Cheap ones don't have the quality. I've seen cheap ones with runs in teh varnish.

As to funeral prices, the only thing a funeral home can set their fees for are services. They have people on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. People are there to assist on holidays, while others are vacationing, etc. On an easy funeral, without having to do a lot of extra work, it usually takes a minimum of 40 man hours. Add into that the merchandise and the funeral starts getting expensive.

Fuenral homes are subjected to all sorts of inspections and have to pay lots of fees for biohazard waste, insurance, property taxes, vehicle taxes, state fees, salaries, so the consumer has to pay part of those in the funeral fee.

Most funeral directors start out making less than school teachers, and even when a person owns a funeral home, they often don't even get to take a paycheck, because they are paying out salaries and fees to everyone else.

Just a few things to consider...

You have my admiration and respect.

One of you try being a funeral director/undertaker and see where you stand in things. I'm glad to have your perspective prepstud. I've never envied you guys your job and it takes a special brand of individual to do it properly and with real panache.

Well done and thanks for telling us all how it really is.
 

arktrucker

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I hate this stereotype. Funeral homes DON'T make a lot of money and funeral directors are not in the profession for the paycheck. If you knew what a "name brand" casket actually cost (expecially metal ones) you will see that the mark up is not much. The discount casket stores are not selling name brand caskets because the main makers don't sell them through retail stores, they will only sell to funeral homes. The wood caskets are another thing. The top of the line ones are hand carved, hand polished to furniture grade quality. Cheap ones don't have the quality. I've seen cheap ones with runs in teh varnish.

As to funeral prices, the only thing a funeral home can set their fees for are services. They have people on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. People are there to assist on holidays, while others are vacationing, etc. On an easy funeral, without having to do a lot of extra work, it usually takes a minimum of 40 man hours. Add into that the merchandise and the funeral starts getting expensive.

Funeral homes are subjected to all sorts of inspections and have to pay lots of fees for biohazard waste, insurance, property taxes, vehicle taxes, state fees, salaries, so the consumer has to pay part of those in the funeral fee.

Most funeral directors start out making less than school teachers, and even when a person owns a funeral home, they often don't even get to take a paycheck, because they are paying out salaries and fees to everyone else.

Just a few things to consider...


Please don't think I'm trying to start anything here, I'm not. Everyone has to make their own living. But one thing you said made me shiver a little. 'A named brand casket' I'm not sure that the general public would know one name of one casket let alone a 'named brand'. Who is the named brand casket there to impress? The casket is going to be seen by the family and the guest at the funeral for maybe 2-3 hours tops then it will be lowered into the ground, never to be seen again. Personally, I don't think named brand means anything there. And come judgement day, I don't think it will by brownie points to get in to heaven, either.