Funniest Stupid Thing You've Heard or Witnessed

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by midlifebear, Feb 8, 2009.

  1. midlifebear

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    OK, this will probably fall flat on its face as a thread, but maybe others on LPSG have shorter, funnier anecdotes.

    In 1973 I was visiting friends in SLC and one of them suggested we go to the local Jewish Community Center to observe the 25th Anniversary of the Founding of Israel. Other than the fact my lover's last name was Shapiro, I had never given much thought about the fact that someone might be Jewish or not.

    After having consumed a bit too much kosher wine we lined at the buffet table and proceeded to fill our paper plates with what was proudly presented as down home Israeli cooking. Ahead of us was a sedate upper class LDS couple. Husband in a suit. Wife a member of the single string of pearls set. A friendly woman on the other side of the buffet encouraged the couple to sample some shawarma; ground lamb or goat cooked on a rotisserie with slices of the meat served with combination of hummus, tomato & cucumber, and wrapped up in pita bread. Basically a Greek Gyro, but without any yogurt dressing.

    The husband visibly sneered at the words "ground lamb" but his wife was still game. Granted, she was a bit uncomfortable, but worked hard on feigning interest, being a bit too enthusiastic as she inquired about the dish, it's origins, how it was made, if "is it from the time of Moses?", and upon taking a bite tried to conceal her distaste and horror by loudly squealing, "Oh my God! It's like a Jewish taco!" -- spitting the bits in her mouth into a napkin. Everyone in the Center's recreation room immediately fell silent. The tone of surprise in her voice had succeeded in demeaning Mexicans and Jews in the same breath.

    The nice woman helping serve the food froze in a cold, dead stare, serving tongs in hand.

    My friends and I removed ourselves as quickly as possible trying to keep what eventually broke out into uncontrollable laughter. We were joined by several others on the lawn outside rolling around and unable to quit laughing for the rest of the evening.

    I dunno. Maybe you had to be there. :redface:
     
    #1 midlifebear, Feb 8, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2009
  2. Amber1

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    I dunno....I think that's pretty funny!!

    What an ignorant, stuck up bitch!!
     
  3. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    I would have laughed (discretely & out of sight)
     
  4. Amber1

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    I always attract really dodgy or strange blokes......

    and nutters always want to talk to me on the bus or the train!!

    Don't know why!! Must be summin abt me....

    Two of the cab drivers I know who take me are really strange....

    one of them I've heard through another friend is building a time machine in the garden!!

    The other one took me for about two years...well it turns out his wife is a dominatrix apparently (he is abt 60) and he tried to invite me to one of their geriatric gangbangs!!!

    I was just minding my own business!!

    I had a guy try to follow me around town who looks like Peter Parker....

    Strange things happen to me all the time.......:biggrin1:
     
  5. fortiesfun

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    Many years ago, working in a hardware store a woman came in and asked me for a wood magnet. I showed her to the refrigerator magnet area and a couple of nice versions that had magnets glued on the back of small pieces of driftwood to see if that is what she wanted.

    "No," she said, "I want a magnet that sticks to wood..."

    20 years later I still can't decide if it that is the most practical or the stupidest request I ever heard.
     
  6. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    YOu should have whipped it out, placed a magnet on top, and asked if that is what she meant.
     
  7. fortiesfun

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    LOL, literally. Why didn't I think of that?
     
  8. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    the pain behind your eyes
    When & where I used to mix paint, we also had pressure washers for sale. Now, one day, this guy comes in, looking for a replacement part for it. So I take him back to where it was. I asked why he needed to replace it, he told me his puppy ate it. I asked him again,"Your dog's quite a little omnivore, isn't he?" WIthout missing a beat, the guy replied, "I don't know what breed of dog he is!"
     
  9. bigboy9239

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    Back in the early 70's, I used to work at a diner. There were all sorts who worked there. One waitress was ...shall we say...not particularly gifted, intellectually...and the cooks would play tricks on her all the time. She was however...very gifted body wise. This particular time, they sent her down in the dressing room where I was getting undressed to go home. She rushed into the room...and asked me where was my left handed monkey wrench. She insisted that Reggie (one of the cooks) had told her I had one...and they needed it immediately. Now...I'm standing there naked...and she is insistent on this wrench. Then she realizes I'm standing there naked as a jay bird.... looks at my dick, smiles and tells me..she'll get it when I get dressed. Of course, I'd love to say it went farther...but nope...I never got the chance to sample her wares...
     
    #9 bigboy9239, Feb 9, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2009
  10. SpeedoMike

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    about 11 p.m. my Pennsylvania cousin called to say he was in Santa Barbara on his way to Orange County. my dad suggested he drive the rest of the way and that we would wait up for him.

    he didn't want to inconvenience us, but dad insisted. "OK, I might as well, Uncle Bill. the only motel I could find here has just one room room with two queens available for $200."

    having lived in San Francisco for over 15 years, I choked back my laughter. that could have been the most exciting night of my cousin's life! :smileysex5:
     
  11. MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK

    MASSIVEPKGO_CHUCK Well-Known Member

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    Continuing on the paint mixing job, one time a customer calls up out of the blue on the worst day I'd had there since I started. He calls up & wants to know... are you ready for this? "How many gallons are in a Five gallon drum of paint?" Well, I had my share of idiots that day, and was out of tact and blurted out, "What kind of a stupid question is that?!"
    **Click**
    I think that day I must've been a magnet for ignorant people I tell you.
     
  12. bigboy9239

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    so..how many Galoons are in 5 gallons of paint?
     
  13. ZOS23xy

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    A supervisor chided a group of people at work for asking about various rumors.

    He said: "Nine times out of ten, seventy percent of them are not true."

    Must be new math.
     
  14. ZOS23xy

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    It is either glue, or a thumbtack.
     
  15. midlifebear

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    Allow me to first put up some set decorations. When I lived in San Francisco I kept my savings and checking with The Bank of Hong Kong; primarily because I just thought it was amusing more than anything else. I worked most of those years (69ish through 79ish) as a bartender watching most of the gay mid west show up with flowers in their hair and hoping they were far enough west they had made it over the rainbow. Sometimes, they had.

    One of my favorite day customers (I liked slinging cocktails for the old codger crowd of gay men who started their liquid diets at 11:00 AM) was a bit too drunk and had fallen into a fist fight with another equally soaked senior. They had no problem with the idea that the Chinese actually ate mouse tongues. They had heard of Mao Tse-tung, but did not know he was the beloved, dear leader of "Communist China." However, that didn't stop them from somehow taking opposite positions that mouse tongues were an authentic Hunan dish or whether it was more likely Sechzuan and made from the tongues of something else.

    These guys were in their late 60's. Ex merchant marines and learning how to live (and continue drinking) on their Social Security checks. Idle hands . . . .
     
    #15 midlifebear, Feb 14, 2009
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2009
  16. ZOS23xy

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    ...and idle glands....
     
  17. B_Nick8

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    This could be good. :biggrin1:
     
  18. TheRealStumpy1

    TheRealStumpy1 New Member

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    Well when I was much younger, I played knock knock zoom. One of my friends decided to run and jump kick the door. Unfortunately, he could not run after making such a racket because he flew into the house because he kicked the door so hard. As the door flew into the house, and so did he. Can you say pressed charges. I didn't get in trouble though....I still remember laughing so hard that I could barely run.
     
  19. midlifebear

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    Yeah, along similar dumb acts I remember my late Uncle Marvin smoking a Camel cigarette while liberally dosing the barbecue charcoal with lighter fluid. Once the burns healed on 50% of his body he was difficult to look at the rest of his life. Good ol' Uncle Marvin.
     
  20. TheRealStumpy1

    TheRealStumpy1 New Member

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    Speaking of fire. When I was about 9, I threw a airisol spray can into the grill. My grandfather was waiting on the fire to go down to get ready to grill. The can shot up like ten feet then exploded. Everybody thought someone had shot at the house. But no one knew what had happened. I was the only person outside the house at the time.
     
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