Gay and Bi: When Did You Realize You Were Different from Other Boys and Girls?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by jason_els, Aug 29, 2007.

  1. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Strange thing memories are. As a boy I used to like playing dress up with my cousins or even by myself and often I'd grab my mother's wig or muumuu and pretend I was a girl. I even played the Wicked Witch of the West in my eighth grade school play (I could imitate Margaret Hamilton's voice perfectly). Men's clothes didn't seem as flamboyant and my father's LL Bean wardrobe definitely had no flash. At the time I thought it was perfectly normal. My cousins didn't think it weird at all though now I notice my male cousin always dressed-up in men's clothes, never women's.

    I also loved shopping trips with my mom and grandmother; commenting on their choices, helping them coordinate different items. I could spend the whole day at Saks, Bergdorf's or Bloomingdale's and have a great time.

    Other boys in my class were listening to Led Zeppelin, Kiss, Genesis, and Wings while I listened to Abba, Blondie, and Donna Summer. My tastes leaned heavily to punk once I discovered it but I still went out and bought Bananarama, and even (gasp!) Toni Basil records and loved them. Other boys in the class played cremation (a game based soley upon tackling whomever had a necktie rolled into a ball), but I'd rather go talk to the girls, play kickball, or dodgeball.

    One nun even worried about me spending too much time with girls and tried to get me to go play cremation with the boys but it didn't work. At the time nobody called me gay or faggot or anything like that. My parents never said anything about my behaviors or tastes either. I had no idea that these were markers of someone who wasn't completely straight. What I did have though, was an early homophobia that seemed to come out of nowhere. I remember once going to get my hair cut and saw that there were men in the salon, and I told my mother to ask for a female stylist. I don't know why I did that. Being a naive country boy I didn't even know that there were people who had sex with members of the same sex. Now I know that many gay kids go through a period of homophobia before puberty.

    My earliest inclination of same sex attraction happened in second grade when I got the Chitty-Chitty Bang Bang pop-up book and saw an illustration of a boy who struck me as cute. I even gave him a name (Dante)! For a while I'd think of just playing with him, wanting to be around him. Something in me suggested that other boys don't quite have the same crushes. That crush feeling would be repeated as a freshman in high school with a senior boy who I thought was really cool. My roommate at the time didn't know what to make of it either but thought it might be normal adolescent behavior.

    Despite all this, I watched Charlie's Angels religiously and had THREE of their posters on my wall including the famous Farrah swimsuit poster (over my bed :biggrin1:). I had a flirtatious relationship with a very cute girl all through grade school whom I happily made out with at a few parties after playing spin the bottle.

    Things really changed at 14 when I started having sex with another guy in my dorm at boarding school. He was a year younger than I was and HUNG!! It was just a sexual relationship but I loved going down on him and eventually, engaging in anal sex as well. That really screwed me up because I didn't know what I was or who I should be and it took me years to figure it out. If anything, the one event that told me this was more than just sexual play was when I was blowing him and he stopped me and said, "You don't have to keep going," and I pulled off of him. When he ejaculated his semen spurted up and landed on his penis. I thought it was the hottest thing and took him back in my mouth. I couldn't help myself. We had always rationalized what we were doing by saying this was normal early adolescent behavior and at that moment I was drinking down his semen, something in my brain told me, 'This is waaay beyond experimentation,' and I became very frightened, ending our sexual relationship right after that.

    For the few years before this happened I had been with girls, loved girls, imagined girls, and even had sex with my sister's 14 year old baby sitter when I was 12. I had no inkling that I wasn't straight; not a thing until that encounter in boarding school.

    As a guy in his late teens and early twenties, I was still very nervous about visitng the gay studies section of bookstores, going to gay bars was out of the question. Gays weren't nearly open like they are now and my small town upbringing hadn't prepared me for going into the city to seek out others like myself. I was too intimidated. To add more confusion, when I saw gays portrayed in media I wasn't anything like them. I wasn't swishy or flaming by any means. I liked beer, I liked doing guy things. My friends were all straight. If I wasn't like that, was I still gay?

    Dual Attraction changed that. This was a great book for me because it validated my sexuality completely. So often you hear time and time again that bisexuality is just a whistlestop on the train to Gayville. This book confirmed what I knew: that what I was and who I was truly existed. Even though I bought it and hid it where I stashed my porn, I read it voraciously.

    It's taken me many years to figure out who I am and to just chuck the labels and run with my emotions. I supremely wish it had happened earlier, but as my sexual awakening occured just as the HIV epidemic started, I must count myself lucky not to be dead. Attending boarding school and college in small towns far from anyplace liberal enough to have gay social centers likely saved my life.
     
  2. SyddyKitty

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    As a child, when I would play pretend with my brother... I always wanted to be the princess/damsel in distress.

    In the 3rd and 4th grades, I had dreams of me sleeping nude in the bed with my best friends from the respective year.

    In 7th grade, this certain guy used to tease me by calling me names and touching me oddly once in a while. He massaged my shoulders and talked about masturbation a lot... I eventually formed a crush on him. This is when I was starting to become aware of my homosexuality. Never told him.

    In 9th grade, I had a full-on crush on another guy. I told him about it and was sure I was gay from then on. :x

    I've also always been more artistic and my taste in music was much more ecclectic than my family's.
     
  3. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Ditto. While I share my mom's love of Edith Piaf, I don't like anything my father has. They're not musically inclined people. I, on the other hand, loved going to museums and cultural things. I even majored in art history in college.

    Interesting that you had such attractions so young and so explicitly. I wonder if it isn't easier to be gay as a kid so you'd always know. Perhaps there wouldn't be all the bewilderment?
     
  4. silvertriumph2

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    When I was about 4 or 5 I knew that I was different, but didn't know what it was. It was just a feeling. I heard from adults and some teens that it was only good or boys to like girls and not boys liking boys. It was a very confusing time for me. I liked everything about the male and liked being with men more than with women. I had crushes on some of my friends, who were a bit older, or their brothers or fathers. I still didn't know what it was, but from what I heard it was "bad and not right."

    What made it worse, was that my parents belonged to a bridge club (about 8 to 10 couples) and when they med they brought their children with them.. While playing bridge, etc. they would sometimes put us on a big bed for our naps, both girls and boys together. I always fought to be next to my male friends. I didn't want to be next to a girl.

    A bit later, there was a lot of "playing around" among this children, "playing doctor" , etc....both the boys and girls enjoying the fun! And, yes it was fun!

    But, at about 10, I discovered girls and then I wanted to be near them because I liked to look up their pants. About the same time, at a coed summer camp, I discovered that some of the older female councillors gave me hard-ons. The one of the older girls, in her mid teens, taught me everything I ever wanted to know about sex. She finally introduced me
    to a group of her friends, both male and female and in their teens, that got together for sex, vaginal and oral. This was my introduction to real sex!And, at the same time to men agian. From that time on, I have been sexually turned on by both sexes.

    It was not until many years later that I learned the work "Bisexual" and realized that was the term that fit my orintation. So, I now consider myself as a BI.
     
  5. husky14620

    husky14620 New Member

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    I also knew something was different around 5, maybe 6... I was very curious about sex very early. And was "playing" with a neighbor boy my age. Took until my early teens to understand what was different about that though. And came out at 16 years 8 months.
     
  6. mssixsixsix

    mssixsixsix New Member

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    when my friends and i couldn't stop having sex with each other, no matter how many times we got busted. hahaha! good times. so i say, about 11.
     
  7. submit452

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    You went through the same experience as me. But in my case None of the Gang at school knew what to classify me as or what I was and called me different. And I now I know they were just uncomfortable and didn't know better.
     
  8. sinsinasty

    sinsinasty New Member

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    When I was about 5, my parents wanted me to take gymnastics so I could be a cheerleader, when I went to the youth center, I thought gymnastics looked really boring, but I saw the boys outside playing soccer and basketball. I would play with them every day. I would wear boys clothes and stuff but I would still wear makeup and do my hair but that was only to impress other girls.
    In high school I realized that I was obsessed with women, I pretended I was interested in boys so I didnt seem like a freak. I lost my gay virginity to a gothic lesbian who was in one of my glasses.
     
  9. huw ginnit

    huw ginnit New Member

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    I realised things were different in my case when I developed a crush on JR's sons male nanny..in the tv show Dallas, boy was he cute!, I must have been about eight or so and realised then though- that families had Mummies AND Daddies, not Daddies and Daddies. It didn't bother me and I suppose I got to deal with the issue from that point on, so by the time it came to my teens I was already aware "which side my bread was buttered" and had no sense of conflict, unlike my poor parents who had this news landed on them and had a problem with it at that time.

    Being the artistic, sensititve kid, I always felt comfortable in my identity, and realised that though I'd never be great a sports (myself here, no generalisations) I'd always be able to have friends and have talents that other kids lacked. Which made up in the self confidence dept. Ok I couldn't play soccer, but I had friends who liked me because I was funny, and the bullies, (Carl Stirk, I hated you!) wouldn't touch me because the cool kids, (Ian Barton- where are you now?) liked me for my sarcasm, humour and attitude.
     
  10. D_Iskepee_Longwoodee

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    I was abou 6 or 7 years old when I knew something was different. I was into many sports, soccer, lacrosse, hockey, track, wrestling and followed thru until my first year of college. I always had quite an eclectic taste of music and enjoyed museums and art as well. I also tended to dress very well and still do today. I had my first real crush my sophmore year of H.S. on a guy and it continued thru our senior year. He and I are best friends today, and hopefully much more soon. I think most people who are gay or bi, notice something before the age of ten, and most often around 5-7 year old. I dated one girl in H.S., but it was not until college that I actually had sex with a female. Today, I had had 4 LTR some of which lasted 4+ yrs. I however, am more attracted to men, on a mental and physical level more so than women.
     
  11. Zoeappeal

    Zoeappeal New Member

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    When I found myself checking out girls just as much as I was checking out guys.
     
  12. D_Poppy_Cocque

    D_Poppy_Cocque New Member

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    In eigth grade when I got the shit beat outta me because the boys on the locker room thought I had a constant semi around them. Very traumatic experience...
     
  13. silvertriumph2

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    Well, sapman, did you? :confused:
     
  14. earllogjam

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    I got caught shoplifting a Playgirl magazine when I was 13, a traumatic experience to say the least. It did not cure me of my facination with guys however.
     
  15. VanillaTwist

    VanillaTwist New Member

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    Am I missing something or is Blondie supposed to be gender specific?

    C'mon, Atomic has the funkiest bass line ever! Different musical tastes has nothing to do with whether someone is more "boyish" or "girlish"
     
  16. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    In the tiny backassward parochial school I attended and suffered in, St. Stephen-St. Edward's here in Warwick, NY, with its vicious repressed bull dyke teachers (one of which a nun who drove a Mercedes Benz :rolleyes:), musical misogyny was rampant. Even Heart wasn't listened to. Blondie was considered a girl band because it was fronted by a woman. As you, I thought it ridiculous. I paid for it.
     
  17. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

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    As a little kid I often steered clear of other little boys as they were so aggressive. I remember the piles of snot and blood encrusted snow hills in the winter playgrounds of my youth as symbols of a sort of play that I was not very good at, but nevertheless was socially sanctioned at the time. If grade school boys wanted to stomp each others' heads to be king of the hill that was okay with the school administration.

    I often had crushes on guys going back to the sixth grade and earlier. I remember a family of good looking well-dressed boys [kudos to their parents] who went to church with us. I was fascinated with their looks and hair styles. I still remember their last name; Cattaneo. I was ten or eleven. I can even remember wanting to play with a good looking family friend when I was seven or eight and he was maybe twelve or thirteen. I couldn't figure out why he or others weren't interested in me or sometimes practically ran and hid when they saw me coming. I still didn't think anything was especially out of the ordinary as I usually didn't think in an overtly sexual way, I just wanted to get to know and hang out with other men and boys and sometimes they reciprocated. Like Jason I always lived in small towns where there were no gay social centers, not that I was unaware that such existed elsewhere, but it never really crossed my mind to move where a gay community already existed. I'm still not especially interested in "gay" culture, I never cared for buttonholes and pigeon holes - see them as confining and conforming more than liberating, but I am often interested in things that "qualify" - theater, fashion, art, but also other things that are usually in the "male" demesne - hiking, biking, backpacking, fixing things.

    It hasn't been until the last decade or so that I understood that feelings I had for friends were more than they were comfortable with and why - but I still can't see what the fuss is all about. What's wrong with being close with and loving other men?

    For some reason I usually like the colors of womens' hiking and trail running shoes and sandals over the mens' colors of the same shoe. I'm always thinking damn, why don't I get to choose those colors? Is that telling?
     
  18. hawkgirl

    hawkgirl New Member

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    I realized that I check out women at times but don't all girls?
    Sometimes envious and at times I do it because they are mice to watch.
    When I was in physical rehabilitation for 8 months of so back in 2001 I had a lady doctor. She was hot and full on les. She would compliment me all the time and get a bit to close. The passive flirting went to more aggressive flirtation. I just sat back and let her do her thing and didn't stop her...I was very receptive and found myself wanting her and looking forward to my visits to the office.
    One thing led to another and we did have relations but not full on les sex but there was heavy petting and kissing involved. I realized that to that point I had never been so hot for anyone in my entire life.
    Anyway that was my only girl on girl experience that is worth mentioning. But I know that I go for a certain type of woman.
     
  19. wallydogking

    wallydogking New Member

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    interesting thread. I know I'm new here, but I thought I would add my two cents...

    I guess the first cock I saw was when I was 8 or 9. My 'best friend' and I thought it would be cool to see each other's hard on. I was deeply entranced by it. I was desperate to touch it, taste it... everything. We used to just sit there and stare at each others cock. then after a few months we started daring each other to touch it. I was the first and just grabbed it and held it. it felt magical. A few months later I remember licking it. The salty taste was great. Sadly I think it freaked him out as he stopped speaking to me after that.

    I went another 10 years before I had another cock in my mouth. That was with a friend from school. Whenever we weren't dating girls and we were both single we would get together for blowjobs and anal sex. we never thought anything of it, we were both just wanting the sexual relief. (on a side note, he has a breath taking cock!)

    Now, some 12 years later I'm married (to a woman!), she knows about my past, and has no problem with it. We don't have an open relationship, but we do enjoy watching a bit of porn. I watch it for the guys, and she watches it for the guys!

    I have no regrets, but I do get the occasional craving for cock now and again.
     
  20. VanillaTwist

    VanillaTwist New Member

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    They just couldn't appreciate good music. :p
     
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