gay best fried

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by dancinfool, Nov 13, 2004.

  1. dancinfool

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2004
    Messages:
    84
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    Verified:
    Photo
    Last night I was supposed to go with my friend to the movies where he was going to meet up with a date and some of my friends.

    Let me tell you about my friend- he's very innocent, and has never done anything sexual. In fact, he just came out to me a few weeks ago (though i had my suspicions) and I've been nothing but supportive. He wanted me to be there because this was his first date EVER- he's never even kissed a girl before, let alone a guy.

    To make a long story short, my parents made me stay home because of the weather, and since he was supposed to follow me to the movies (hes new to the are) he slept over at my house, which was cool, hes done it before.

    But, being the horny young men we are, we ended up watching porn, both gay and straight, for a while. We had jerked eachother off earlier this week, and last night it ended up with him sucking me off.

    Now, as I said earlier, he had never done anything with anyone, and now I feel really guilty. I consider myself straight, and it was more of a masturbation thing for me, nothing really sexual, more of a pleasure thing. I feel like the biggest whore in the world- he was supposed to meet up with a guy last night, and the guy is really sweet and good for my friend, but instead he ended up sucking me off and jerking me off.


    I told him that I don't think we should do it again- it's not fair to the guy he was supposed to meet up with (who is crazy about my friend) and its not fair to my friend either.

    But at the same time, I had a lot of fun. Getting to know my friend sexually has been neat, and I think that it makes me trust him more, if that makes any sense.

    I feel like its getting him to be a closer friend of mine, but I also think that he might get the wrong impression, which is why i told him that we shouldnt do it again, even if we want to.

    Did I do the right thing?
    Do you think that I'm using him? It didnt really mean anything sexually to me- it was a little awkward, but enjoyable none the less.

    I guess I'm just confused about what I should do- without hurting my friend
     
  2. kinggalaxia

    kinggalaxia Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2004
    Messages:
    65
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pittsburgh, PA
    I kinda know the experience since there's two straight friends of mine that I would love if they were gay so I'll just say what they sorta did.

    What I suggest is to back off from the masturbation and 'getting off' w/ each other. Do some other activities that would click w/ the both of you (something gays & straights can do and satisfy both), such as shopping, watching movies, going to parties, or hanging out w/ other friends....hell, talk about sex. That's something everyone can do, lol.

    On the talking sex thing.....mention this other guy and what he thinks of him.
    If he obviously likes you, then suggest the other guy; point out his best points and the like.
    If your friend doesn't listen, you'll have to tell him that what happened w/ you two was just getting off. That two men usually help each other with masturbation and that you did NOT get the heightened feeling of it that he did.
    If he loves as a friend, he should understand. Of course, if he gets down about it, just console him and let him that there's someone out there.
    Also, maybe tell him that as long as he's looking, you'll be there for him at any time.
    I dunno if getting sucked and jerked by a gay guy is really uncomfortable to you, but if it isn't, then continue on with it. But tell him.....if he has a date, then that comes before you anytime.
    In your eyes, you are a friend. You just have to make sure that he sees it that way, too.

    That's about all I have for ya. It's not exactly what happened with me but it's what I thought of, being a psych minor and a future teacher.

    Hope it helps. :)
     
  3. kinggalaxia

    kinggalaxia Member

    Joined:
    May 18, 2004
    Messages:
    65
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pittsburgh, PA
    *reads closer*

    you did the right thing. I just hope he understands.

    If he doesn't, then like I said, be there for emotional support..not sexual support.
     
  4. hungcuriousnc

    hungcuriousnc Active Member

    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2004
    Messages:
    535
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    85
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sanford, NC, USA
    Guys, this is a touchy situation. If you're not careful, you could ruin your friendships entirely. I was in the position of the gay boy who'd never dated/kissed etc and had a friend who was str8 and didn't mind the sleepovers either. We were horny teenagers who would watch a porn together, jackoff together (not touch yet), play dick games, and talk about everything in our lives. But it is very easy to consider sexual pleasure an emotional bonding moment.... See where this is heading. You can say "It's only for pleasure, he knows I'm straight" and to him he's thinking, "He says it's only pleasure, but I think he really likes me doing it to him. Maybe he's bi?".

    My situation was over ten years ago. I'm in my late 20s now and see that there is and was a difference between just enjoying getting a blow job and crushin on the one who's giving it to you. But at the time, I felt like there might have been something going on that he wasn't admitting. So be careful... you may say it's only play, but to him, it might mean much more.
     
  5. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2002
    Messages:
    5,402
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Louisiana
    Dude, don't beat yourself up over what happened. You were horny, you experimented, and the sun rose the next morning. All the guilty feelings and regrets in the world won't alter the fact that it happened. You've told him that it shouldn't happen again, and he most probably doesn't expect it to happen again. I've had sex with curious guys who are mostly straight, and I knew it was a one-time thing. He's still your friend, right? He'll respect your decision on the matter. Don't avoid him; that would make him feel regret, too. The past is over and done with. What you do to maintain a valuable friendship is up to you. Real friends are too important to lose over a momentary lapse in judgment, and you obviously know that. You say that feel closer to him, and I understand that. What you did was something extremely intimate. Don't pretend it never happened, but don't make a big deal over it, either. You two will come to an understanding ... so don't fuck it up.
     
  6. dancinfool

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 16, 2004
    Messages:
    84
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    19
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    Verified:
    Photo
    thank you guys- i knew that i was doing the right thing, i just needed someone to reassure me.

    i still consider him my best friend, and i know that he feels the same. and like he said this morning- "it feels like it didnt even happen" hopefully hes not dissapointed.

    it was fun, and i really enjoyed it. hes such a great guy and im actually really proud of him. he came out to me and then came out to a lot of our friends. when we first jerked off together earlier this week, I told myself that i was doing it for him- he needed to get some experience, but now i realize that it was just harmless fun. i wasnt doing it for him, i was doing it for us, and it brought us a lot closer.

    thanks for your help
     
  7. jonb

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2002
    Messages:
    8,308
    Likes Received:
    2
    What's there to be guilty about? It's experimentation. And it doesn't make you gay; nothing gay about letting someone suck your dick. Might be cultural thinking here, of course.

    AFAIAC, you did the right thing by telling him that as long as he's with someone, he shouldn't sleep with you. We've had debates about married guys here before, and here it's reversed, with the gay man cheating with his straight friend. Still the same issue, though.
     
  8. lacsap1

    lacsap1 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2002
    Messages:
    202
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NETHERLANDS/AMSTERDAM
    First, I want to offer you these thoughts about guilt from British psychiatrist, R.D. Laing:
    "True guilt is guilt at the obligation one owes to oneself to be oneself. False guilt is guilt felt at not being what other people feel one ought to be or assume that one is."


    Let's also just pretend for a minute that there is no such thing as a heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual man and woman. Instead, there are only "sexual beings."

    When the social taboos, and the personal "baggage" they inspire, are removed from discussions about gender and non-heterosexuality, your situation sounds pretty dam normal. Your friend is someone with whom you spend lots of enjoyable time. Whether or not you are sexually attracted and active to him, it stands to reason that this, for whatever reason, would generate feelings of guilt.
    You are the best judge of how your friendship would fare if you communicate your feelings. You don't have to make a big deal out of it. Your friendship should be able to weather a conversation about your feelings and the possibility of becoming or not intimate again. Whatever you choose don't feel guilty!

    Once the pronouns and stigma were removed, it became just like every "I like my best friend; "do I go for it" and "risk the friendship".
     
  9. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2002
    Messages:
    5,402
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Louisiana
    It's not the same issue at all. Dancinfool's friend was supposed to have a first date with a guy, but it didn't happen. How is that like being married? You can't cheat in a relationship that hasn't even begun.
     
  10. jonb

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2002
    Messages:
    8,308
    Likes Received:
    2
    Well, you have a point there. Of course, TPTB won't let his friend get married anyway. LOL Still, a bit of advice for all men here: Don't blow off a first date for a blowjob. Most potential sex partners find that rude.
     
  11. Imported

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 1, 2000
    Messages:
    56,713
    Likes Received:
    55
    dayne: A guy's first sexual experience is really important, so it is important that this "straight" guy gave his 'gay" best friend a good first time.

    One problem with this is that it would probably be very easy for the "gay" best friend to think he is falling in love with the "straight" friend. Keeping thngs non sexual in the future probably is called. Their is an emotional closeness their already. It is best to make sure they know what the closeness is based on. Otherwise when a girl friend comes along for the "straight" best friend, the "gay" best friend is probably going to feel dumped if the "straight" friend says no more.

    One more thought, I believe we are all a little "bi". The "straight" friend may be asking for moral support on this issue because he is worried about enjoying it just a little to much. He may be more concerned about this than he is about his "gay' best friend's feelings without even realizing it. I am not making this comment because I think every straight guy who experiments with gay sex is gay or that anyone who is gay who experiments with straight sex is straight. Dealing with sexuality at any age is difficult, but the younger a person is the more difficult it can be to my way of thinking.

    I just hope all works out for them to stay best friends. One can have a lot of friends, but a best friend is somebody special.
     
  12. Bluespeedoz

    Bluespeedoz New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2004
    Messages:
    117
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    21
    Hi

    My take on this is -

    you and your friend did nothing wrong
    you and your friend have nothing to feel guilty about
    you and your friend are emotionally supportive of one another which is great - you have a strong bond
    you needn't feel guilty for the other guy because you don't know if they meet again how their relationship will work out
    I don't believe you used your friend or that he used you.

    So I would put what happened down to experience. In the light of your friend's inexperience I think it was better he had sex with you rather than with someone he didn't know well.

    You say that you wouldn't want to have sex with your friend again because you are straight and you see what happened as an emotional rather than a sexual experience. I think that's fair enough. If your friend wants to repeat the same experience with you sensitively tell him that you love him as a friend very much but as you are straight this isn't possible. Of course if you change your mind give yourself permission to go ahead.

    You say your friend has only had this one sexual experience and that he is gay. I don't think that because he sucked you off necessarily means he's gay even though he believes he is. He may just be confused about his sexual identity particularly in the light of how little sexual experience he has had and his age (I imagine he is in his late teen?)

    Finally, please continue to be there for him as a friend - he sounds quite isolated and needs the emotional support you may be able to offer him. Good luck.




    :)
     
  13. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2002
    Messages:
    5,402
    Likes Received:
    7
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Louisiana
    I would doubt that. Regardless of his inexperience, he would be aware whether he was sexually attracted to men or women. If women don't stir any desire in him, but he gets a boner every time that he sees an attractive man, I would take that as a serious indicator. I thought I was gay at the age of 12. It turned out that I was right.
     
  14. jonb

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2002
    Messages:
    8,308
    Likes Received:
    2
    Yeah, being turned off by women but getting a boner every time you see an attractive man usually indicates you're gay.
     
  15. madame_zora

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2004
    Messages:
    10,252
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ohio
    Dammit, I KNEW I was gay!
     
  16. b1988

    b1988 New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2004
    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    I don't think that you need to make a "rule" not to have sex again. I think that you are both young enough that exploring your sexuality is probably in your best interest.
    I am older than you guys,so I look at "the big picture", not just at this relationship.
    In my view, physical and emotional intimacy are the cornerstones of durable committed relationships. Exploring your feelings will help you to learn, from experience, how to differentiate relationships.
    In my life I have had friends who I "fooled around with", platonic relationships, fuckbuddies, and one night stands. They all had their place. Eventually they provided a good base upon which to judge a relationship worthy of longer term committment.
    So, I think that you need to be honest with your friend and simply take it from there. If you end up enjoying sex with each other, great. If you end up deciding to
    have a non-sexual relationship, great. If you end up fucking like rabbits, cool. It can all be good as long as you are honest, non-judgemental, and responsible. Learning to negotiate the potential for hurt feelings, blurred relationship boundaries, and unrequited love is a part of life.
    I don't think that you need to avoid something in a relationship because risks exist. Risks exist in MANY things. Just be realistic and honest about the risks and take it from there...............peace,w
     
  17. jonb

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2002
    Messages:
    8,308
    Likes Received:
    2
    I didn't know you got a boner, Mme. Z.
     
  18. madame_zora

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2004
    Messages:
    10,252
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ohio
    Yeah, I do, it's just really tiny.....
     
  19. B_RoysToy

    B_RoysToy New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 30, 2003
    Messages:
    7,558
    Likes Received:
    64
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    memphis, tennessee
    Great retort, madame. But, I bet it enlarges when it hardens, right?
     
  20. headbang8

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2004
    Messages:
    1,272
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Munich (BY, DE)
    Mme Z., I often marvel at the number of male lesbians I meet. But the female lesbians are far more useful when you have to fix a carburetor.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted