Gay --> Bi ---> Straight

[Male Bonding etc]

Definitely an area that needs better understanding (and perhaps less compulsion to label). Too many men (and perhaps just as many women) suffer self-doubt and public abuse for being of questionable sexual orientation. No one should have to endure such doubts or treatment for being gay, straight, bi, or unsure.

 

[DenBoy]

I'm never sure where I fall. I have never had a ongoing relationship, or any interest in having one, with another man. I love having sex with both, but don't seem to make an emotional attachment with other men. I went off the deep end after breaking off with my fiance, and only had sex with guys for about 3 years, but that wasn't for me. I've been seeing a woman for about a year, and have been faithful to her for the past 5 months.

 

[B_Hung Muscle]

I know quite a few people who seemed to have had satisfying relationships with a member of the same gender and then confound everyone around them by settling down with a member of the opposite sex. Most of these people are women but I also know a very (happily?) married guy with whom I used to have intense great uninhibited and very very gay sex. His wife would probably divorce him if she knew of his past. Anne Heche's husband, on the other hand, knows all too well of her prior highly public relationship with Ellen.

I'm going to suggest something heretical. I agree that labelling yourself for the purposes of defining your own attraction to various sexual stimuli is not important and in your particular case, HG, clearly counterproductive. You are extremely handsome and, as evidenced by the comments you engender on this board, very attractive to both men and women. I'm sure straight men also admire your sculpted body, your beautiful cock, and your wonderful self confidence ... and exhibitionist streak!

But, I am not sure that labels in our society are really all that bad. As a gay man, I feel a sense of community and solidarity with other gay people. Maybe because I came to sexual maturity before Will and Grace and I remember quite well when discrimination based on sexual orientation was all too common place. Not too long ago, being "homosexual" or engaging in "homosexual conduct" could mean loss of housing, employment, medical insurance, stature in the community, etc. Forcing us to label ourselves probably strengthened the moment for equality by allowing other gay men and women to realize we were not alone.

I'm not sure I'm articulating this well. But I guess I do believe that until we live in a society where all are accepted without prejudice, some sort of self-identity will be important, espeically for younger gay people to know there are other people like them.

 

[t192087]

I started out straight, then I got curious, I went gay. No I'm 19 and Bi and I'm
pretty I will end up being straight again...this whole gay/bi thing is not getting me up as much as it used to :dunno::frown1:

 

[t192087]

I started out straight, then I got curious, I went gay. No I'm 19 and Bi and I'm
pretty I will end up being straight again...this whole gay/bi thing is not getting me up as much as it used to :dunno::frown1:

I forgot to write 'sure' after "pretty" and "I"

 

[buddy629]

I always knew I was gay [since birth]. But, a year or so after coming out, I thought I could be 'bi'. I had sex with a few girls [who were OH so EAGER to convert me to a straight man]. Ah, to no avail. I love the dick. Always will.

I considered it an opportunity to explore my 'straight' side. Gay people are submerged into 'straight sexuality' since birth, and are pressured to conform until they come out of the closet. Imagine as a straight person what it would be like if the whole world was gay, and you had to conform, or people would hate you, tease you, think you were amoral, think you were a pervert/sexual predator, want to kill you, hit you, stop loving you, disown you...ect There is a lot of pressure to do something you REALLY don't want to do.

Like a lot of straight men who claim to have a gay side [1-10%]. I see it like this, for me. I repressed being gay for so long, then I came out. I started exploring my true idenity as a gay man. Then, I wanted to see what all of the fuss is about [girls, I mean] and explored my 'straight' side.

It felt really gay for me to be with a woman. I consider it a lesbian experience. I enjoyed exploring her body, and giving her pleasure, it was rewarding to know I was able to make her feel so good, but it was not sexually gratifying. It was missing something [a dick;]...it was just wierd. I still find women very attractive, and truly apprieciate the sexual female body. It just dosen't get me hard. Today, if you put me in a room full of beautiful women and just one man, I'll be paying attention to the man in the room. Or looking for a way to get out, or come out, of the room.

 

[Matthew]

I like Hung Muscle's point abuot labels. The conventional wisdom here is that sexuality labels are bad or at least unnecessary. For the most part I can agree, especially because the labels don't fit us. But in the example of those of us who are definitely gay, embracing the label and wearing it with pride is pretty important for young people struggling with their sexuality.

 

[t192087]

I always knew I was gay [since birth]. But, a year or so after coming out, I thought I could be 'bi'. I had sex with a few girls [who were OH so EAGER to convert me to a straight man]. Ah, to no avail. I love the dick. Always will.

I considered it an opportunity to explore my 'straight' side. Gay people are submerged into 'straight sexuality' since birth, and are pressured to conform until they come out of the closet. Imagine as a straight person what it would be like if the whole world was gay, and you had to conform, or people would hate you, tease you, think you were amoral, think you were a pervert/sexual predator, want to kill you, hit you, stop loving you, disown you...ect There is a lot of pressure to do something you REALLY don't want to do.

Like a lot of straight men who claim to have a gay side [1-10%]. I see it like this, for me. I repressed being gay for so long, then I came out. I started exploring my true idenity as a gay man. Then, I wanted to see what all of the fuss is about [girls, I mean] and explored my 'straight' side.

It felt really gay for me to be with a woman. I consider it a lesbian experience. I enjoyed exploring her body, and giving her pleasure, it was rewarding to know I was able to make her feel so good, but it was not sexually gratifying. It was missing something [a dick;]...it was just wierd. I still find women very attractive, and truly apprieciate the sexual female body. It just dosen't get me hard. Today, if you put me in a room full of beautiful women and just one man, I'll be paying attention to the man in the room. Or looking for a way to get out, or come out, of the room.

I disagree...but who cares if I do -or don't

 

[slate_australis]

It's an interesting issue.

Do I think that every young man or woman who engages in sexual play with a person of the same sex is gay or bisexual? No.

I do think that people do need to see sexuality as something fluid and something which is particularly variable. My personal situation is that I am physically, sexually and emotionally attracted to both men and women but in the past year or so I've been MORE attracted to women.

I personally think MANY MANY people who are gay (the famous LUGs) for a time in their youth become straight, not because they've have some miraculous epiphany... but because they made a choice to be with the opposite sex for whatever reason.

While I said sexuality is fluid, I think the real fluidity comes from an individuals perception of themselves. So.. oh my god I got hard when I saw a guy naked ... I must be gay... then... holy shit I had sex with this girl and I loved it... I must be straight.

 

[bakerz dozen]

I like Hung Muscle's point abuot labels. The conventional wisdom here is that sexuality labels are bad or at least unnecessary. For the most part I can agree, especially because the labels don't fit us. But in the example of those of us who are definitely gay, embracing the label and wearing it with pride is pretty important for young people struggling with their sexuality.

I agree. An eye opener for me was finding out the term homosexual, bisexual and hetrosexual are Victorian inventions.

peace
Baker

 

[NCbear]

I'm going to suggest something heretical.

[...]

...I am not sure that labels in our society are really all that bad. As a gay man, I feel a sense of community and solidarity with other gay people. Maybe because I came to sexual maturity before Will and Grace and I remember quite well when discrimination based on sexual orientation was all too common place. Not too long ago, being "homosexual" or engaging in "homosexual conduct" could mean loss of housing, employment, medical insurance, stature in the community, etc. Forcing us to label ourselves probably strengthened the moment for equality by allowing other gay men and women to realize we were not alone.

This is not heretical. This is the foundational premise of identity politics and (by extension) the civil rights movement(s).

And by the way, HungMuscle, that time "not too long ago" is only one second in the past for me, and it continues into the present here in the buckle of the Bible belt. Coming out, even in a "city of the arts" like mine (i.e., gotta lotta homos here), is always fraught with social danger wherever there are those who wish to deny you equality based on your sexuality.

NCbear (who's wondering whether he'll have to make a HELL of a lot of money and move off-PLANET in order to have equal rights and live around people who accept him for who he is)

 

[NCbear]

I think another theme implicit in this thread is acceptance of those who seem to be moving toward a more conventional way of life. In an earlier post, I talked about having shallowly dismissed those people as "sellouts" earlier in my life.

But what if their sexuality, as HardGuard said, really did change? What if they fell hard -- unexpectedly, but HARD -- for someone? I mean, if Anne Heche can fall for Ellen DeGeneres, after leading a completely straight life, can't the opposite happen?

NCbear
(who's kind of intrigued by the thought but wondering how the relationship would work -- and how the HELL he'd communicate with a woman who's a lover, not just a friend, considering all the "we have a problem communicating because we're just so different" posts here on LPSG :biggrin1: )

 

[fortiesfun]

NCbear: Your observations in this thread have been most enlightening in so many ways. Just wanted to thank you for sharing your experience and being willing to think freshly about both the personal and the political.

 

[Principessa]

Wow, thank you for sharing this intimate story with us
NC Bear. This is a fascinating thread! I never thought of people going from Gay --> Bi ---> Straight. It stands to reason it would happen, oddly I never thought about it before this thread.

I look forward to learning more as different people post to this thread.

This makes me wonder a lot about my father, who I've always thought was gay and who (I thought) confirmed it way back when I was 18 and just coming out.

Here's the story:

I'd just come out to my parents and was riding in the front passenger seat of the car, Dad driving, my straight next oldest brother in the back. I saw a shirtless construction worker and said "Wow!" and made a loud, vulgar slurping sound. (Hey, I was 18 and young and brash.)

The steering wheel wobbled a bit and Dad said, "I wish you wouldn't do that." We got into an argument about what's "acceptable" and so forth and he really pushed my buttons by telling me "it's a phase."

Being young and immature, of course I had to ask how he knew. His response completely shocked me: "Because I went through that phase too."

My straight brother leaned forward and said, "You DID?!" The steering wheel wobbled again and Dad said yes. He said he'd played around sexually with other guys in his neighborhood, friends of his in the Boy Scouts, and guys his age at the Y growing up. In fact, he said, he thought he was gay until he was 25.

Knowing that he and Mom had gotten married at the age of 28, both my brother and I had the same thought at the same time (and voiced it): "What happened in those three years?" (We also gave him hell about "magic pussy" and that sort of thing. We thought it was funny at the time.)

_____

For most of my life--until reading this thread, in fact--I thought Dad was a sellout who married in order to have a conventional relationship during a time period (the late 1950s and early 1960s) when being gay meant police raids, severe victimization, and no chance whatsoever of having a normal life with another man outside a few square miles in Paris, London, New York City, or San Francisco. He's still rather effeminate, and still rather bookish and nerdy, so sometimes I wondered whether those late nights at work during the 15-20 years when my parents' marriage was quite visibly going through bad times proved that he was finding love (or at least affection) in other places (i.e., with other men).

But this thread really makes me wonder, now, whether his sexuality actually progressed from gay to bi to straight. It's an interesting thought.

The concept is made more complicated, of course, by his propensity toward lying to avoid revealing uncomfortable truths (case in point: he says now he never had the conversation I related above, even when both my brother and I are present to refute him) and his recent impotence due to prostate cancer and the resulting surgery (the nerves were cut when his prostate was removed).

Hmmm. To think he could actually have moved from being gay, to being bi, to being straight, instead of just blowing a lot of smoke out his ass and lying to cover up really being gay the whole time.... It changes my perception of him, and frankly of the possibilities of the sexuality of men from that generation, whom I'd perceived only as sellouts who married to cover their gayness and have a conventional life.

NCbear (for whom this is a really big shift in thinking about his own parents and the choices their generation made about sexuality)

 

[buddy629]

I disagree...but who cares if I do -or don't

I'm 10 years older than you are. When I grew up (I sound SO old...I'm 29), the social acceptance of gay people wasn't around much at all. It wasn't until my freshman year of college (when I came out of the closet) when I saw the first REAL gay person on TV...Pedro on Real World San Fransisco....so, as I was coming out...so was the United States...in a way. That's around the time when Melissa Etheridge, Elton John, K.D. Lang, and George Michael came out. It was a BIG deal back then! Madonna was dating Sandra Bernhart (who also played a lesbian on the Roseanne show)...It was some VERY NEW gay times for the U.S.

The pressure to stay in the closet was slowly becoming less and less. People were coming out all over the place. It was becoming easier. Now, gay is ok. No one cares as much as they used to. This is a very good thing. The younger generation has a lot less difficulty coming out now, just like I had it easier compared to the guys who came out 10 years before I did.

It was a different time, that's all...I can't imagine coming out 10 years earlier than I did. It would have been 10 times more difficult. Also, I think it is SO much easier to come out now than it was in my time (10 years ago) or even 20 years ago or more. I have a lot of respect for the people who came out LONG before I did. They were the true trailblazers for the gay community. Thank you all!!

 

[hypolimnas]

But it seems that some that go in the other direction (from bi or gay to ---> mostly straight) are never heard from.quote]

Here is a summary of my sexual experience. I am not sure that it follows a linear path, it seems that chance has played a big role in terms of my sexual expression, because my sexuality has been subordinate to other considerations such as family location, education and work.

I have always felt that who I shared myself with was dependent on who I knew well and who my close friends were at any given time. I have felt this way since I was about 10 or so. For me sexuality is an extension of friendship.

To a lesser extent it has also been an indication of random horniness, need for financial advantage, and the need to feel desired and loved.

Even before I went to school I felt sexually attracted towards other males and had a lot of active sexual experience with my peers in my childhood. I came out at school and lived in an openly gay relationship (after I left school) for many years. In my late thirties I got to know a guy who liked anal sex with women and men, I had never thought of that possibility before.

Politically in the eighties, (around my social world atleast) I think there was a general feeling that bisexuality was a cop out. I have never kissed a female who wasn't my mother or aunt. I have never seen or fucked a vagina, or had a girlfriend.

A couple of years ago I was invited to join some "straight" couples. I participated in being the "active" partner in anal sex with the male and female in each couple. I have chosen not to explore my sexuality with women, and also not to live in a coupled gay relationship. This is mainly because I like to keep my life as simple as possible and free from emotional complications ---as well as the fact that I have a busy career and heaps of projects going on, which I love by the way.

I have had a period of only having sex with couples, gay and straight.

These days I predominantly fuck friends who live their lives quite happily as straight men, and gay guys, some of whom are in open gay relationships. My personal life is essentially homosocial which is great.

I think of myself sometimes as ass-sexual as I have occasionally been aware that my head will turn to see a great ass on a woman. As I mostly express myself sexually by fucking male friends who are happily straight, I don't know where I fit on your scale. I suppose I feel more like a sexual person rather than a gay person, although when my new doctor asked me if I was a "gay person" (cute huh? he did have a good reason for asking...) I did say yes so that I didn't have to explain all this.

I have learnt that my confidence that I was gay is not what it once was. I love guys and their asses, I suppose it is my confidence in the label that has diminished in recent years.

This is totally unenlightening as to your original enquiry! It is a very interesting thread. Thanks.

I do realise I have gone from gay to bi to straight, but perhaps not in the way it was originally conceived.

 

[GoneA]

I disagree...but who cares if I do -or don't

What do you disagree with? That:

Gay people are submerged into 'straight sexuality' since birth, and are pressured to conform until they come out of the closet. [...]There is a lot of pressure to do something you REALLY don't want to do.

I have a hard time understanding how one could disagree with that assertion.