OK I'd like to think I'm a reasonably good looking guy and have had people say I am but recently I've made a few gay friends and we've gone to gay bars/clubs but, apart from two occasions, I could be invisible. I can see other guys exchanging mutual interested glances at each other but I never do and I'm wondering "What is wrong with me that no-one is even giving me the eye?". I admit I'm not one for going up to total strangers and chatting them up - I do rely on an exchange of interested glances before I would go over but I'm not even having that. I was on the dance floor of a club last night and a few of the guys around me scored with others. I did look at a couple a guys but they didn't reciprocate and one went with over to another shortly after! I do appear and act very straight so is that a possible reason? They think I'm a straight guy with some gay friends? Just makes me feel really insignificant even though I'm going out with a positive attitude. :frown1:
I agree with the others. It's not anything wrong with you so much as everyone else. You're giving these guys way too much credit.
If you're reasonably good-looking then that can be intimidating. Lot of guys will assume they don't have a chance and not even bother with you. If you're new to the club then that's a double whammy because nobody will know who you are, hence an unknown quantity. That adds a little to the intimidation factor as well.
The other week I went to a gay club over in another town. I walked in and the place was jammed! It had the best disco in town so there were a lot of straight people and also an entire corner devoted to lesbians. Small towns don't have much choice when it comes to gay bars. One size has to fit all. I milled around for a bit making my way around and nobody but nobody gave me a first look much less a second look. I was on the verge of leaving and driving an hour and a half back home until I realized I was giving these people way too much power over me. I was there to meet and find some guys from a leather club, decided I had nothing to lose, and so went looking for them. I found them alright and I started chatting them up about the club and their interests and activities. I took the initiative, I sought them out, and with that, my confidence went right up the chart. I realized that a lot of people were simply too scared to even chat much less look. Because I had expected others to make the first move, I somehow appeared to be either uninteresting or not worth the effort or intimidating or I don't know. But when I made the first moves, all of a sudden other people did too.
And when that happened, all of a sudden I had guys coming up to me to start chatting and one even hit on me! I was kind of shocked. It seems that once I proved I was friendly and outgoing, that was an invite to others to be the same.
It's important to note that I went into that club with one purpose, to meet the leather club. I didn't go in with the intention of hooking-up or meeting someone or anything else. I didn't want to create any expectation that would only lead to later disappointment. If I had a good time, I did. If I didn't meet anyone well then that's OK too because that's not why I was there. That mindset, in and of itself, is something others pick-up on as readily as they can sense desperation and lack of self-esteem.
I suggest taking a similar tack the next time you go out and for God's sake if your friends start cockblocking you then tell them to go fuck off. In fact, tell them beforehand not to be a bunch of catty bitches and if you find someone they're to help you get laid, not try to steal the guy. That's ridiculous.
Next time you go out, look great, make a decision to have a good time whether you like anyone there or not, and stop letting others judge you. Believe me, no matter how together or hot or suave someone is, they've got a bundle of insecurities too. They just hide them better. You're just a guy among many looking for some fun and maybe some love and so are they. If you take control of the situation by deciding who you will or will not approach, and stay determined to be who YOU are, then you've taken away the power of the mob over you and, in fact, give yourself the power they once had. Once you have no fear and don't care, people will read that and they will find it intriguing. When you walk into the next club, go have fun and if you see a guy you like, then go up to him and be friendly and see what happens. If it doesn't work out well then, no loss. If you hadn't made a move then you had nothing to lose anyway. Your action though, will show others that you're approachable, maybe interesting, and they'll know you're looking to meet others like themselves.
People have always said to me that going out to clubs and meeting people is all about attitude. The attitude that seems to work is counter-intuitive to me, but yet it worked when I consciously tried it so I have to agree that attitude really is all it's about. I'm not saying be arrogant or distant, just don't be a wallflower who allows other people to intimidate him directly or indirectly.
If you can stand in the club and say to yourself, "If I find someone I like, great. If I don't, too bad. The right guy may or may not be here and if he isn't I'm not going to settle and I'm not going to think any worse of myself. In the mean time, I'm going to have some fun and enjoy myself. There will be plenty of assholes and fuck-ups and sad and confused people here. I'm not going to be one of them and if I come across them, I'm going to politely let them know I'm not interested. Otherwise, I will be friendly, not be intimidated, and not let anyone here influence what I think of myself."
I'm serious. Do that. I did and it changed my whole attitude and my luck and I had a much better time than I thought I would.
