Gay clubs: What am I doing wrong?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by BigPackage, Oct 25, 2009.

  1. BigPackage

    BigPackage New Member

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    OK I'd like to think I'm a reasonably good looking guy and have had people say I am but recently I've made a few gay friends and we've gone to gay bars/clubs but, apart from two occasions, I could be invisible. I can see other guys exchanging mutual interested glances at each other but I never do and I'm wondering "What is wrong with me that no-one is even giving me the eye?". I admit I'm not one for going up to total strangers and chatting them up - I do rely on an exchange of interested glances before I would go over but I'm not even having that. I was on the dance floor of a club last night and a few of the guys around me scored with others. I did look at a couple a guys but they didn't reciprocate and one went with over to another shortly after! I do appear and act very straight so is that a possible reason? They think I'm a straight guy with some gay friends? Just makes me feel really insignificant even though I'm going out with a positive attitude. :frown1:
     
  2. invisibleman

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    I don't think that there is nothing wrong with you. I think that is how gay bars can be. Be yourself.

    The only way a gay guy would think that you are straight is that if you went out with a woman. And was kissing on her and all up in her space.

    If men aren't looking at you, then why do you think so? Try and look at yourself from their eyes. From their perspective. You never know...the problems may not EVEN be about you. THAT is EVEN a possibility. People go to bars to escape their problems for a while.
     
  3. bigbulgelicker45

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    I haven't been to a gay dance club in years and when I went I'd go with my friends as well. Out of the four of us, two would always get picked up, one would act too desperate and for me, I could have cared less if I had gotten hit on.

    It was just good to go out and have a good time, but gay men are very fickle as well (IMO). They can say they're looking for one type and when they find it they quickly change their mind. If I were fortunate to meet someone my friends always found something to tease me on and they'd send the guy in the opposite direction (or all of a sudden they were interested in him).

    If I do go out now (which is very rare) I stay away from the trendy people and go where it's a little less quiet and the crowd is older. Even if no one talks to me during the night I just say "oh well" and don't dwell on it.

    Afterall, the next time might be different!
     
  4. invisibleman

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    You think that it happens only in gay bars. It happens in the ethnic urban clubs too.
     
  5. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I agree with the others. It's not anything wrong with you so much as everyone else. You're giving these guys way too much credit.

    If you're reasonably good-looking then that can be intimidating. Lot of guys will assume they don't have a chance and not even bother with you. If you're new to the club then that's a double whammy because nobody will know who you are, hence an unknown quantity. That adds a little to the intimidation factor as well.

    The other week I went to a gay club over in another town. I walked in and the place was jammed! It had the best disco in town so there were a lot of straight people and also an entire corner devoted to lesbians. Small towns don't have much choice when it comes to gay bars. One size has to fit all. I milled around for a bit making my way around and nobody but nobody gave me a first look much less a second look. I was on the verge of leaving and driving an hour and a half back home until I realized I was giving these people way too much power over me. I was there to meet and find some guys from a leather club, decided I had nothing to lose, and so went looking for them. I found them alright and I started chatting them up about the club and their interests and activities. I took the initiative, I sought them out, and with that, my confidence went right up the chart. I realized that a lot of people were simply too scared to even chat much less look. Because I had expected others to make the first move, I somehow appeared to be either uninteresting or not worth the effort or intimidating or I don't know. But when I made the first moves, all of a sudden other people did too.

    And when that happened, all of a sudden I had guys coming up to me to start chatting and one even hit on me! I was kind of shocked. It seems that once I proved I was friendly and outgoing, that was an invite to others to be the same.

    It's important to note that I went into that club with one purpose, to meet the leather club. I didn't go in with the intention of hooking-up or meeting someone or anything else. I didn't want to create any expectation that would only lead to later disappointment. If I had a good time, I did. If I didn't meet anyone well then that's OK too because that's not why I was there. That mindset, in and of itself, is something others pick-up on as readily as they can sense desperation and lack of self-esteem.

    I suggest taking a similar tack the next time you go out and for God's sake if your friends start cockblocking you then tell them to go fuck off. In fact, tell them beforehand not to be a bunch of catty bitches and if you find someone they're to help you get laid, not try to steal the guy. That's ridiculous.

    Next time you go out, look great, make a decision to have a good time whether you like anyone there or not, and stop letting others judge you. Believe me, no matter how together or hot or suave someone is, they've got a bundle of insecurities too. They just hide them better. You're just a guy among many looking for some fun and maybe some love and so are they. If you take control of the situation by deciding who you will or will not approach, and stay determined to be who YOU are, then you've taken away the power of the mob over you and, in fact, give yourself the power they once had. Once you have no fear and don't care, people will read that and they will find it intriguing. When you walk into the next club, go have fun and if you see a guy you like, then go up to him and be friendly and see what happens. If it doesn't work out well then, no loss. If you hadn't made a move then you had nothing to lose anyway. Your action though, will show others that you're approachable, maybe interesting, and they'll know you're looking to meet others like themselves.

    People have always said to me that going out to clubs and meeting people is all about attitude. The attitude that seems to work is counter-intuitive to me, but yet it worked when I consciously tried it so I have to agree that attitude really is all it's about. I'm not saying be arrogant or distant, just don't be a wallflower who allows other people to intimidate him directly or indirectly.

    If you can stand in the club and say to yourself, "If I find someone I like, great. If I don't, too bad. The right guy may or may not be here and if he isn't I'm not going to settle and I'm not going to think any worse of myself. In the mean time, I'm going to have some fun and enjoy myself. There will be plenty of assholes and fuck-ups and sad and confused people here. I'm not going to be one of them and if I come across them, I'm going to politely let them know I'm not interested. Otherwise, I will be friendly, not be intimidated, and not let anyone here influence what I think of myself."

    I'm serious. Do that. I did and it changed my whole attitude and my luck and I had a much better time than I thought I would.
     
  6. Principessa

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    I don't think that you are doing anything wrong, and I doubt there is anything wrong with you aesthetically. However, I know from experience that straight clubs suck for meeting nice guys. :irked: I'm sure that the same could be said for many gay clubs as well. That said, I have no good advice for where you should go to meet a nice man, be it for friendship or a relationship. :redface:
     
  7. SomeGuyOverThere

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    This holds true for all clubs - if you stand there, holding your drink close, with your arm across your chest and looking unhappy, nobody will talk to you.

    If you want to get people talking to you you've got to talk to them. I can be quite outgoing and chatty when I need to be, and I was talking to quite a few people at the pub last night (leading to my other thread :) ), I mean, once I was talking to people and moving around and smiling, people would come up to me and talk.

    Like at one point I was sort of play-fighting with somebody and just having a laugh, and the bassist from one of the bands who was playing just came up and joined in. Later some bloke I didn't know struck up a conversation. And I made somebody's night by complimenting their pirate costume and asking where they got the bits for it.

    If you want to have people talking to you and smiling, you either have to go and stand next to somebody like me who will probably strike up a conversation with you because I like talking, or you have to become somebody like me and strike up conversations because you enjoy it.

    It doesn't work like the pr0n films, you don't make eye contact with somebody and then immediately go back to theirs and fuck, you need conversation. Or that's my impression from getting laid once after finally becoming a lot more outgoing in pubs :)
     
  8. bigbulgelicker45

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    When I meant "trendy" I should have clarified myself. What I meant to say was the popular places are where the "beautiful/shallow people" go to be seen and in some cities some clubs are popular on certain nights so there's always a party every night of the week.

    Like everyone's said so far just be comfortable as to who you are and if you're a little shy about approaching someone that's fine too. On those occasions I do go out I'm not expecting the red carpet to be rolled upon my arrival and if someone talks to me that's a plus!
     
  9. B_Dodgypj

    B_Dodgypj New Member

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    what he said....

     
  10. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

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    This might be a reason some gay men just go to saunas or sex clubs - because the lack the "attitude" to walk into a bar/cafe and have people take notice. I can say honestly that I find it difficult to just walk up to someone and start talking. But when someone starts talking to me, I relax and it goes from there. And even if I don't leave with someone, I can say I enjoyed the evening.

    P.S. It's so much more difficult in Europe for an American with no local language skills - unless you're in Amsterdam and the common language is English. I never went to the clubs or bars for that reason. I'd meet guys on line and not for sex - just to meet other English speakers. We'd meet for drinks or dinner and then talk to each other etc. It was the only way before I had any local communication skills.
     
  11. JLinTexas

    JLinTexas New Member

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    I have had the same problem since i am very shy in person and often will get asked if i know that i am in a gay club.I find it strange though that if you are with a guy who others think you are involved with then they can't wait to hit on you even though they may have seen you alone just the night before and wouldn't give you a second look.It is just strange but good luck.
     
  12. D_aaaarrshy

    D_aaaarrshy New Member

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    I usually go the big it-place clubs, like The Abbey in LA or G.A.Y in London, because all I wanna do is dance and look good. I like being the center of attention, and I know that's kinda sick, but that always happens. I'm a good dancer, and I know that I have a lot of attitude on the dance floor, which can rub some people the wrong way! I don't go to find a man, or talk, I only wanna be drunk, look damn good, dance and have lots of fun. Do I go in the category of 'shallow'?
     
  13. matticus201

    matticus201 Member

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    Sharraaay, I don't think you do, because you know what you want and don't care what others think. That gives you depth just by proxy. ;)

    I think clubs in general are like this BigPackage, not just the gay ones. It doesn't matter where you go. I've been going to the local country bar here in Dallas for many years, and it never changes. By now, I'm a regular and I dance there too, so most people have at least seen me or know my face, but even so, there's folks in there that act like they don't know me and have met me a hundred times. If you are in a crowd and want people to talk to you, like jasonels said, you have to make the first move. Have you noticed those people that just stand on the fringes leering at people at gay bars? Those are the folks that end up standing there all night. You've got to get out there man. It's hard, but you can't get bummed out because one night didn't go your way. Just go out, have fun, be yourself if not a bit more outgoing, and it'll start happening for you. I'll tell ya though, it would be fun the look of surprise and glee on the guy's face that gets you home and unwraps that monster. ;)
     
  14. D_aaaarrshy

    D_aaaarrshy New Member

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    Thanks man! Good to hear. How would you descripe a person being shallow at a gay club?? :)
     
  15. matticus201

    matticus201 Member

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    ^^ To me, the definition of shallow is caring only about superficial things, but acting like you don't. Those that profess to know things, be interested in things, or invest time in things only for personal gain, as opposed to actually caring about the subject.

    If one calls themselves shallow, I don't think they can be all shallow, because it takes a certain amount of self-reflection to discover things about yourself. Shallow people think about themselves a lot, but rarely do they self-reflect.
     
  16. D_Ellerby Eatsprick

    D_Ellerby Eatsprick New Member

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    I've been told by my male friends that I am attractive and shouldn't have trouble picking up men.

    WRONG. I have gone to the bars and nobody hits on me. Nobody buys me drinks. I see other girls having guys buy them drinks.

    Sometimes it bothers me because I've gone with group of girls and guys would buy them all drinks but not me. Yeah. Ouch.

    Straight or gay... it doesn't matter. People are shallow.
     
  17. invisibleman

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    Wow. Maybe people are shallow. :frown1:

    Does that happen at all the clubs you have been to...or just one particular club?

     
  18. crescendo69

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    I do great in gay bars when out of town. Here in Knoxville, though, is zilch. I think I must be sick of Knoxville and it shows in my attitude.
     
  19. invisibleman

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    Yeah, I think that it is the same way with me. Locals all know me and familiarity breeds "been there, done that". Hehehe. I want different.
     
  20. D_Ellerby Eatsprick

    D_Ellerby Eatsprick New Member

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    I'm not sure how many clubs there are where I live but I've been to about 6-7 clubs and it always happens.

    And I don't think I'm ugly. I think I'm pretty (most days)... But it's not a good feeling when you see people buying others drinks but not you.
     
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