Gay clubs: What am I doing wrong?

[duckbar]

I agree with the others. It's not anything wrong with you so much as everyone else. You're giving these guys way too much credit.

If you're reasonably good-looking then that can be intimidating. Lot of guys will assume they don't have a chance and not even bother with you. If you're new to the club then that's a double whammy because nobody will know who you are, hence an unknown quantity. That adds a little to the intimidation factor as well.

The other week I went to a gay club over in another town. I walked in and the place was jammed! It had the best disco in town so there were a lot of straight people and also an entire corner devoted to lesbians. Small towns don't have much choice when it comes to gay bars. One size has to fit all. I milled around for a bit making my way around and nobody but nobody gave me a first look much less a second look. I was on the verge of leaving and driving an hour and a half back home until I realized I was giving these people way too much power over me. I was there to meet and find some guys from a leather club, decided I had nothing to lose, and so went looking for them. I found them alright and I started chatting them up about the club and their interests and activities. I took the initiative, I sought them out, and with that, my confidence went right up the chart. I realized that a lot of people were simply too scared to even chat much less look. Because I had expected others to make the first move, I somehow appeared to be either uninteresting or not worth the effort or intimidating or I don't know. But when I made the first moves, all of a sudden other people did too.

And when that happened, all of a sudden I had guys coming up to me to start chatting and one even hit on me! I was kind of shocked. It seems that once I proved I was friendly and outgoing, that was an invite to others to be the same.

It's important to note that I went into that club with one purpose, to meet the leather club. I didn't go in with the intention of hooking-up or meeting someone or anything else. I didn't want to create any expectation that would only lead to later disappointment. If I had a good time, I did. If I didn't meet anyone well then that's OK too because that's not why I was there. That mindset, in and of itself, is something others pick-up on as readily as they can sense desperation and lack of self-esteem.

I suggest taking a similar tack the next time you go out and for God's sake if your friends start cockblocking you then tell them to go fuck off. In fact, tell them beforehand not to be a bunch of catty bitches and if you find someone they're to help you get laid, not try to steal the guy. That's ridiculous.

Next time you go out, look great, make a decision to have a good time whether you like anyone there or not, and stop letting others judge you. Believe me, no matter how together or hot or suave someone is, they've got a bundle of insecurities too. They just hide them better. You're just a guy among many looking for some fun and maybe some love and so are they. If you take control of the situation by deciding who you will or will not approach, and stay determined to be who YOU are, then you've taken away the power of the mob over you and, in fact, give yourself the power they once had. Once you have no fear and don't care, people will read that and they will find it intriguing. When you walk into the next club, go have fun and if you see a guy you like, then go up to him and be friendly and see what happens. If it doesn't work out well then, no loss. If you hadn't made a move then you had nothing to lose anyway. Your action though, will show others that you're approachable, maybe interesting, and they'll know you're looking to meet others like themselves.

People have always said to me that going out to clubs and meeting people is all about attitude. The attitude that seems to work is counter-intuitive to me, but yet it worked when I consciously tried it so I have to agree that attitude really is all it's about. I'm not saying be arrogant or distant, just don't be a wallflower who allows other people to intimidate him directly or indirectly.

If you can stand in the club and say to yourself, "If I find someone I like, great. If I don't, too bad. The right guy may or may not be here and if he isn't I'm not going to settle and I'm not going to think any worse of myself. In the mean time, I'm going to have some fun and enjoy myself. There will be plenty of assholes and fuck-ups and sad and confused people here. I'm not going to be one of them and if I come across them, I'm going to politely let them know I'm not interested. Otherwise, I will be friendly, not be intimidated, and not let anyone here influence what I think of myself."

I'm serious. Do that. I did and it changed my whole attitude and my luck and I had a much better time than I thought I would.

That was an awesome pep-talk man...I loved it...

 

[2322]

That was an awesome pep-talk man...I loved it...

Thank you!

 

[matticus201]

I do great in gay bars when out of town. Here in Knoxville, though, is zilch. I think I must be sick of Knoxville and it shows in my attitude.

I can see the logic here. When I'm single, I always do better out of town. You'll naturally be more excited and alert, plus you're new meat.

 

[FuzzyKen]

Over time, things change. I have been with my other half for over ten years now so I have to go back to my single years before that.

Back in the "swingin late 70's" I had physical traits that many found attractive. At that time I was 26 years old. I was blonde, blue eyed, a decent body with tight abs, and had a rare combination for a blonde guy in that I was extremely hairy. My "prowling" went on in one of the worst snake-pits of them all at the time and this was West Hollywood.

In clubs as a general rule people are looking for some form of instant gratification much as one would get at a fast food restaurant. Other examples would include things like picking out a real Christmas Tree from a tree lot. What happens is that when you go into a situation where there are 300 people to choose from it becomes difficult to decide on what it is you want. Everybody there is in exactly the same boat. Oh, that one over there is great, look at those pecs.... Holy Shit! Look at the basket on that red haired guy on the dance floor.....Damn, look at that bubble butt on that blonde dude.....

What happens is that people see so much that they do not know what to do so they go with something that is the spur of the moment.

As a whole, I became very jaded against bars and clubs because the experiences were so widely different depending on where and when.

Towards the end of my batchelorhood I went to a club in Cathedral City, California with a good friend. At the time we were to meet a third friend at that location to head on to one of the more fun leather bars in the area. We were there in full leather and an absolutely stunning blonde haired blue eyed 20 something took one look at us together, and literally wanted to "do" us on the spot, and then be taken back to his motel room where we were to "boff his brains out mercilessly". Both of us were there at that time to be social, to meet a third party, and then we both were to proceed to a fundraising event at this leather bar. Neither one of us were into group scenes, and, at the time, both of us were also seeing other people and relationships were possible with those individuals. It may have been an incredible offer, but it was the wrong time and place. The 20 something walked between us and placed a hand on a shoulder of each of us and a second time stated: "I really want to be in a sandwich with you guys as the bread and me as the meat." Obviously this fellow wanted us as a team and wanted us very badly. I had many encounters where people hit on me, but as if it were some cruel joke, it always tended to happen when I was seeing some other person.

Personally, I think clubs/bars are terrible places to meet people. Part of the time people you may meet, or are interested in, have had a considerable amount of alcohol so even if they see you, "they don't see you". I learned that there are many who can "maintain" and give the impression of sobriety when in fact they are 2/3 shit faced.

I met my other half from a site that no longer exists. That site was "bear.net." The owner of that site became very ill and was hospitalized for some time requiring surgery and a long recovery. There is some chance that that site will come back.

If you want to party, clubs/bars are OK. If you want to meet or engage anybody in something more meaningful you need to accept that the odds of doing that are greatly reduced in this setting simply because of the bar/club atmostphere.

You have done nothing wrong other than you have told the truth. Note the number of others who have said exactly the same thing! Just be yourself and enjoy the time for whatever it is you get and in that situation expect nothing. That way when something shows up that is worth engaging in conversation, you have the joy of being pleasantly surprised.

Good Luck

 

[D_Polyphebus Hammertoe]

I've always had the same problem when I go to gay clubs. I'm never approached, nobody seems to want to make eye contact, etc. The few times I've had club hookups, the guys have actually confessed they thought I was stuck up because I was shy. I think everybody just builds their own unique walls because of insecurity, and do their own weird things because of it. Dance clubs aren't the best place to meet a person anyway. I much prefer smaller neighborhood bars... you can make actual conversations there, and the people seem less stand offish than clubs.