gay couples & cheating

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by asianvirginboy, Sep 11, 2011.

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What would you do if you discover your gay partner is cheating/cheated on you?

  1. Talk & work things out

    43.3%
  2. Talk & break up

    18.3%
  3. Break up

    22.1%
  4. Talk, break up, then get back together after more talk & realization

    2.9%
  5. Completely stunned & lost & absolutely don't know what to do

    13.5%
  1. asianvirginboy

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    This is a topic that I feel should never have to be brought up between a couple. I have personally never been in a relationship with another man but I feel that if this topic ever came about, I would never be in the right mind to know what to do.

    For all the gay couples out there (whom I fully support all the way & can see myself in one), what would you do if you found out that your husband/partner/boyfriend was cheating/cheated on you? Would you talk about it and work out something? Would this be the deal break breaker and you'll call it quits? Did you talk, break up and then realize that you can work things out? I just want to get some insight on what people's views would be on this touchy subject.

    If I end up in a relationship with another guy, I hope that this would never have to be brought up as I hope to have full trust in my partner and hope that he has the same in me. I really do not know what will happen if I discover that he's cheating on me. It would be a really big blow to me so any advice on this subject? Any experiences and stories.
     
  2. lvsxy808

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    Well, speaking for myself, I don't even think in those terms. I have never believed that one person can ever provide everything the other person will ever need in life, and it's unrealistic to expect them to. That's why so many relationships break up - because society (and themselves going along with society) places unnecessary and unrealistic restrictions and expectations on them.

    To me, sex with other people is fine. It's just sex. Sex is fun. My husband and I have been having threeways with other guys since six months into our relationship. After a while that developed into each of us having sex with others without the partner, if we so chose. He has a small interest in bondage stuff, I have an interest in group stuff, and neither of us share those interests with the other. So it's only fair (in our eyes) to allow each other to exsplore those interests that we cannot satisfy for them. As long as everything is safe and consensual, it's not an issue. We also still play together on occasion.

    As long as it's only sex, that is. If emotions were to come into it, then that would indeed be a problem, and indeed it was at one point a few years ago. One of the tricks we picked up ended up staying around, and he and my boyf got more intense and relationship-like. We came close to breaking up over it, but basically just refused to give up. We've been through too much together to give up now, and we know deep down that we're going to be together till death, regardless of how many other people we have sex with.

    .
     
  3. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    It depends on the nature of the relationship. How much you love each other, whether you really think this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with or not. It could be just a relatively casual relationship, and it depends then if you feel like you can trust them again, or if trust matters in that context.

    Some people place a huge premium on fidelity I imagine for them being cheated on is a deal breaker, for those for whom fidelity is less important it could be the deceit which matters more than the actual cheating. Or it could be that you're willing to deal with the pain of this kinda of thing and work it out because you have a deep connection which allows you both to do that.

    The permutations are as varied as are the nature of relationships and the personalities of the people in them.
     
    #3 D_Tim McGnaw, Sep 11, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2011
  4. D_JohnUpHerPipe

    D_JohnUpHerPipe New Member

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    I take a very similar approach to lvsxy808. Sex is just sex, nothing more, nothing less. When i have sex in a relationship, it feels no more or less special than having sex outside of a relationship. Having said that, i have never cheated as partners so far do not take the same approach, sex has more meaning to them.

    In a relationship i love the emotional bond you get, the trust you can put in a person knowing they are there for you, the sex almost ruins that a little as it means more to them than it does to me and i feel guilty about it.
     
  5. NY4Curious

    NY4Curious New Member

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    My spouse and I stand along with lvsxy808. Our rule from the beginning has been that either one of could have sex with anyone, male or female, we wanted; once. The second time it had to be a three way and the third time it was on your honor. When my spouse was in his late twenties, early thirties he was very handsome, successful and much desired! I was so proud that everyone wanted him, and could get him, but that he always came home to me (I was no slouch in the looks department and equally successful in a different field, and he felt the same about my promiscuity). We intentionally set out to destroy middle class straight attitudes towards either a relationship or marriage feeling our greatest chances for success in that relationship would be to create one that served us and our needs best. We both enjoyed a great deal of sex and a great deal of variety in sexual partners, equally neither of us has ever felt left out of the other's affairs or been hurt by the other not being there because he was out fucking around. It takes both giving and taking, and being very secure not only in your sexuality but in your emotional realtionship as well. We've both had "significant others", both male and female, but the one that lasts because it was built to last is our primary relationship. What are the chances for all the flagrant promiscuity to work in a long lasting relationship? Well in December we will celebrate the forty fouth anniversiary of our first meeting, and three years ago this week we were married in California (before Prop 8 began its battles). That's a helluva a lot longer than many of our friends relationships both gay and straight. Vivia la bed hopping! Enjoy your body and respect your mate, that's all it takes.
     
  6. NY4Curious

    NY4Curious New Member

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    Asianvirginboy--
    Re reading what you wrote really troubles me. You don't seem to understand the position of two men in a relationship. It's based on their being men, not being a reproducing couple. There is no need for them to imitate the heterosexual mores and morals of the middle class. There will be no questions of a child's parenthood, for straight people say is sadly often saddled with the ressulting reproduction, for gay people we are free that responsibility and it is our obligation to our sexual selves to enjoy it!
    Trust and love have absolutely nothing to do with sexual activity. That is a cruel trick some women play on men so they "hopefully" will stay around and provide for the families they have sired. These rules can joyfully be banished from the gay household.
    A lover who has sex with others not only celebrates his own sexuality and freedom but the strength of his relationship with the person he loves. Demands of fidelity only cause the demanding person to see himself (and his lover) as weak and unsatisfying lovers, needing total fidelity in order to keep the relationship together.
    Please consider growing up and growing strong and enjoy being a man. Our external genitals give us a thumbs up by nature to go from "flower to flower to flower" (as the King in THE KING AND I sings.) Enjoy your nature.
     
  7. Countryguy63

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    For me, it all comes down to the word "cheating". If the agreement is "no outside sex", and someone betrays that agreement, then it could be an issue. I would be more hurt and offended by that breach, than by the sex itself.

    I feel pretty much the same as others here that sex is sex, and sex outside the relationship does not necessarily detract from the love that you have for someone. This is not to take away from those that desire monogamy. If that's what you truley want, then you should not settle for less. However for many, being in love and in a strong relationship, does not require be monogamous.
     
  8. hockeysweat

    hockeysweat New Member

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    NY4Curious, I like the way you think.

    There's strong pressure in our culture to comply with the norm of bourgeois domesticity: settle down in one place with one person forever, with the family unit the center of your existence. This makes some people happy, for sure. But even many straight people find this lifestyle as unbearable as a straitjacket. History and literature are littered with desperately unhappy women and men who felt as if their lives were smothered by the requirement of absolute devotion to spouse, home, and children to the exclusion of everything else.

    This is why I've never been that enthusiastic about gay marriage as the centerpiece of the gay rights movement. The generations before me fought for the right to be themselves. Now it feels like we're fighting for the right to assimilate into straight middle-class culture.
     
    #8 hockeysweat, Sep 11, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2011
  9. Otep

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    It really depends on the type of relationship that I'm in. For me, fidelity is a huge deal. If I was dating someone for three months and found out they cheated I would leave them in a heartbeat. However if I had been with someone for several years and/or married to them (if that were even possible in Wisconsin) I'd be very upset and wouldn't know what to do.

    As others have pointed out however it depends on the boundaries of the relationship as well. My boyfriend was a virgin when I met him so I think it would be a little unreasonable for me to believe that I am the only person he will ever have sex with (assuming we stay together). I would be open, at some point, to bringing someone else in purely for sex but I would have to be involved in some manner. I don't think I could handle him just going out and having sex with other people without me involved and I definitely wouldn't like that if I were not informed.
     
  10. lvsxy808

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    A very good point. What "cheating" ultimately comes down to is "breaking the rules that have been set down for a relationship." If those rules agreed to no sex outside the relationship, then having sex outside the relationship is cheating. But everything I described above was done with total openness between my and my husband. Sex outside the relationship was already agreed to as being within the rules, so that wasn't cheating.

    As I say, when emotions came into play with those others, then it's on dangerous ground. But it's still not a matter for throwing a strop and not listening. It's better to try to figure out why it happened, and try to put it right, if you want to put it right that is.

    One infidelity does not automatically invalidate an entire relationship, not if there are so many other good things about it. It's a time to maybe renegotiate the rules of the relationship. Only if that can't be done to both partners' satisfaction does it become a problem.

    But you have to be honest with the rules you set down. If you agree to monogamy but know deep down you can't abide by that agreement, then you shouldn't have made that agreement in the first place. That's not a value judgement - some people are built to be monogamous, some aren't - but whichever you are, be honest about it. Too many people aren't.


    The point is not to conform to one or the other. Forcing gays to be slutty is just as bad as forcing them to be monogamous. The whole point is the right to choose for yourself. If you want to get married, you should be able to get married. Equally, if you don't want to get married, nobody should look down on you for that. Neither is inherently "better" than the other.

    And they're not even mutually exclusive. It's entirely possible to have a rock-solid relationship and a loving stable home, and still enjoy a sex life that isn't beholden to monogamous assumptions. Me and my husband have been doing it for 16 years.

    The fact is that, after that long together, the "open relationship" is more in principle than in practise anyway. While we're allowed to have sex outside the relationship if we want, the fact is that it's often just too much effort. It's easier to just come home and sit on the sofa and watch telly.

    .
     
    #10 lvsxy808, Sep 11, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2011
  11. Otep

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    That completely ignores the legal benefits of marriage....
     
  12. hockeysweat

    hockeysweat New Member

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    We are in total agreement, so I guess I should clarify what I said. People should be able to enter into whatever kind of reciprocal relationships they want, and marry whomever they want. The legal benefits of marriage are extremely important. I certainly don't walk around with a bullwhip forcing gay guys to be 'slutty,' whatever that means. What I meant was that for a lot of reasons, there's considerable pressure on us to enter into the same style of relationships as straight people, and live the same way they do, except substituting a man for a woman. The centrality of marriage to the gay rights agenda reinforces this pressure (Look at us! We're just like you, and are totally nonthreatening! No sluts here!). I just want everyone to make choices that are true to themselves, regardless of the powerful pressures our culture exerts on us.

    Since the OP seems rather young, I wanted him to know that there are perfectly good alternatives to a lifelong strictly monogamous mate.
     
  13. hockeysweat

    hockeysweat New Member

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    Sigh. I never said I was against it.
     
  14. LordDivineFist

    LordDivineFist New Member

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    From a personal standpoint, and from some one coming from a family with a professional medical background, I have found that cheating, regardless of the gender or the orientation is just plain risky. For many years it was believed that monogamous behavior lead to fewer outbreaks and spreading of annoying but if not also dangerous STD's. Granted, there are benefits to maintaining an open sex life no matter who you're fucking. It ultimately depends on your preference really. I don't think that any outside influence should force you to decide what you know in your heart is the right thing to do.
     
  15. Otep

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    This.

    My boyfriend and I don't use protection. There's no way I would maintain such practice if we weren't strictly monogamous.
     
  16. LordDivineFist

    LordDivineFist New Member

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    I'm for whatever people want to do, as long as they can be safe. :)
     
  17. Bbucko

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    I'm on the record as stating that I cannot imagine attempting another monogamous relationship. Of the five LTRs I've lived through, none started out open and none ended closed. I've initiated opening one of them through careful negotiating and limit setting, all the others involved my partner either broaching the subject or else unilaterally opening it through cheating.

    I define cheating as sexual contact outside of the relationship that hadn't been agreed to previously by both parties. But there's another form of cheating, too, which involves forming an emotional attachment with someone that corrodes the intimacy of the LTR. I did this once, and it ultimately destroyed the relationship, which was already deeply troubled TBH. When I really thought it through and realized that I loved the new guy more than my partner, I broke the affair off and came clean in an effort to salvage what was left. It was ultimately completely futile.

    I have some really good friends here who are going through something similar, and it's just terrible to see. I'll call them Wally and David because we have a lot of members from SoFla and I don't want to expose their dirty laundry. They are in their late 40s, intelligent, attractive, educated and successful in their careers. They've been together for over twenty years and have weathered various crises over the years. They maintain a perfectly lovely home in a great neighborhood and another in Westchester county in New York. They drive late-model, high-end European cars. From the outside, they seem like they have it all.

    Though I'm close with both of them, Wally and I have better chemistry probably because he's a total bottom and there's a certain sexual tension between us David and I would never have as two tops. He called me recently in a fit of despair: David has been having an on-going affair in NY with a much younger guy and has decided to make it permanent. They have enjoyed an open relationship for years, but frankly neither had even considered the possibility that they'd meet anybody who'd wreck their seemingly-permanent household. To make matters worse, David has mismanaged their finances, leaving Wally with a crushing amount of debt which he evidently was unaware of previously. It's just a fucking mess.

    I genuinely feel badly for Wally, though I can't really help beyond giving him an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on (which he does from time to time). David, who'd been spending all of his time in NY, has recently reappeared in FtL and, thanks to Wally's having networked all of their friends down here, is something of a pariah. I saw him last night and tried to offer him the same sort of support I extend to Wally, but he was incredibly uncomfortable with discussing it and beat a hasty exit.
     
  18. here4something

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    This subject can get extremely deep and complicated. I will input my way of thinking, even though I don't expect many to read the whole thing. :wink:

    I personally become very attached to a person as time progresses, and the chance of cheating becomes abysmal to non-existent shortly after because I lock myself towards that person. It is not because I am expected to, it is because it just happens naturally for me. If I become detached, then I discuss that I don't feel the same way. We will still play with each other to slowly let go and such. While the breakup is happening, I still won't go and sleep with someone else.

    It is very strange, because I feel great satisfaction being attached to that one other person in the relationship. While in love/attached, I have almost infinite amount of energy and I show it through cooking, keeping track of many details, setting up events by surprise (traveling, exploring the local city, our favorite concerts, etc), and lots of sexual activity with each other.

    Granted, I also allow a lot of freedom. I don't like to restrict another person if they desire to do something different or want time to their own. Although, since I am quite random half of the time, spending time with me can also mean the time of your life as I keep things fresh and you'd probably not even have a reason to be with someone else.

    When it comes to sexual activity, I am not interested on an open relationship, because I personally see no reason to doing such no matter how physically attractive they are. When I perform sexual activities, what I deeply feel about that person is what drives my energy in sex.

    I have to tell you that MAYBE once in a while for a wild sex life, what I would agree on instead is that we BOTH play with a third person. I am not talking about me watching or the other person watching, I am talking about we both go gang on the third and enjoy it for our pleasure. You know, do things together.

    I can't stand a partner with someone else for sex when I didn't know about it, I didn't agree, or I'm not there. Either we both go at it at the same time with the third or nothing.

    ---

    To answer the originator's question - I'd be very upset and it would go downhill from there for me. We may still play for some time, but I will lose a great deal of trust from that day forward, and I will eventually move-on. I'll be perfectly fine as close friends, but sexual activity will cease to exist between us from my side.
     
    #18 here4something, Sep 12, 2011
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2011
  19. NY4Curious

    NY4Curious New Member

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    I snarl, I hiss, how can ignorance be compared to bliss?
     
  20. Stephenmass

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    here4something, I am more in line with your way of thinking than most in this thread also. If I am with someone in a relationship (as I am now) it is me that makes the choice to be monogamous because I want to, not because I have to. Yes, I would expect the same from him also.

    I am quoting you here........

    "When it comes to sexual activity, I am not interested on an open relationship, because I personally see no reason to doing such no matter how physically attractive they are. When I perform sexual activities, what I deeply feel about that person is what drives my energy in sex."

    That is exactly what is in my own drive with my partner. While after a period of time the one thing we cannot offer one another is newness of body, what I can offer him is deepening of emotion. But it has to be a two-way street for me too. If he is "distant" and I don't feel that emotion back, mine will eventually wane. I don't like to be taken for granted.

    That is not to say I don't respect what the others are saying. To each their own. Just because I am gay (someone above said this altho not in the same words) doesn't give me license to fuck whoever I want. A choice to be monogamous is just that, a choice.

    If someone (a partner) tires of me or whatever, then move on. I realize that what makes me "tick" is not what makes a lot of other men "tick". But for myself, I don't need to seed a variety of men; it doesn't make me any more of a man. What makes me a man to me (and again I know it's not the same for others) is sometimes I realize the grass is greener right where I am, not where a lustful desire takes me.
     
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