gay couples & cheating

What would you do if you discover your gay partner is cheating/cheated on you?


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SyddyKitty

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I'd like to say I'd cut it off right there. Once a cheater, always a cheater. However, things aren't always so black and white. Hmmm... possibly, if the relationship was only a few months old or even a year old, I could end it there without second thought. Who knows, though - could get awfully close in that time. Though, if that was really the case, cheating (emotional, mental, or physical). shouldn't occur.
 

BBB2.5

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Some of you already know my view on cheaters.... those who don't...brief story.
My first gay attraction turned into my first " boyfriend, sexual experience, and love. We lived together for 7 years. He began cheating on me sometimes during our 4th year. I had no idea.....He was my world. The way I found he had been cheating on me, came from the Doctor telling me I was HIV+. I had gotten sick, and went to one of those walking in clinics to get a shot in the butt, then I'd be ok. Not the case....I ended up in the hospital, a week later. I had a sever case of PCP pneumonia. Nearly died....really! I was sent home from the hospital 6 weeks later, only weighing 99 pounds. That was 18 years ago.....

Guys, I hope my story makes you think about cheating in a different light.
 
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aninnymouse

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As so many others have stated much more eloquently than me, it's all about the boundaries in the relationship that you lay out. Some people are simply monogamous by nature, and don't want to have a multiple partner lifestlyle. Some people are okay with that. That's fine. I know plenty of straight couples who have an open relationship, where it's simply "Don't bring me a disease, and you can play as you wish."

However, the key to all of this is communication. Early in the relationship laying down the boundaries, and communicating honestly and openly. Also, if there is something that is a deal breaker, and that one is not comfortable with, then you have to speak up about it, and not go along with it just to please your partner.

Then, once you've estblished these boundaries, don't go changing the rules mid game. That's where some people get fouled up. They don't keep to the rules. To me, that is "Cheating." Going against the rules of the relationship, spoken or unspoken.

Me, personally, I like the idea of Monogamy. I wouldn't want to be in an open relationship. However, that's just me, and Your Mileage May Vary.
 

zacr9

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Well guys here in Sydney I have not met one couple who have been together for more than a few years who do not have an open type relationship. Seems that monogamy is rare here in this city and in the male gay world general...I am still trying to find couples who dont mess around to some extent....sad truth and it has shocked me too.
 

psguy64

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Well guys here in Sydney I have not met one couple who have been together for more than a few years who do not have an open type relationship. Seems that monogamy is rare here in this city and in the male gay world general...I am still trying to find couples who dont mess around to some extent....sad truth and it has shocked me too.

Same here majority of couples in Palm Springs.
 

SyddyKitty

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Well guys here in Sydney I have not met one couple who have been together for more than a few years who do not have an open type relationship. Seems that monogamy is rare here in this city and in the male gay world general...I am still trying to find couples who dont mess around to some extent....sad truth and it has shocked me too.

Virtually everyone of our persuasion I've met has SOMETHING on the side if they've been in a relationship for about a year or so. Some consider cyber-sex and webcamming an "ok" thing to do in there. It's still disgusting and depressing. :/
 

Sklar

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I was hospitalized in Nov of 2009 with three blood clots in my right lung and one in my left calf. During my 12 days in the hospital my partner (whom I was in a legal domestic partnership with) had an affair twice on me. I never knew about the affairs. I left the hospital and two months later (15 days after our 5 year anniversary) he breaks up with me to go be boyfriend with one of the guys he had the affair with. After he moves out my friends clued me in on what went on while I was hospitalized.

Now, a year and a half later, they break up because one of them had an affair on the other even though they had an open relationship. Karma's a bitch.

So I'm a bit bitter in regards to this topic. I believe in fidelity. I believe in monogamy. If I ever get into another relationship and I find out he cheated on me, I'll kick his ass to the curb so fast he won't know what the hell hit him.

Sklar
 
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AM_092

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Infidelity is the result of a problem, not the cause of it.

Talk... and work things out or part ways because of your real problems.
 

B_Nicodemous

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I would kick the bastard to the curb. Period. If he broke the rules of whatever relationship we had, be it completely monogamous, slightly open (we play as a couple) or completely open (we play singularly with others) then it would be over. For the monogamous relationship: You fuck around, emotionally or physically, your out the door. Please have the balls and common decency to inform me what you are thinking. I will always be honest in my feelings. Talk to me first.if you can't do that, there's the damn door. Also i would like to know WHO you are playing with if we mutually decide to open the relationship. If we were monogamous, we wouldn't be using protection, and if we opened it up, protection with other will need to be used. No exception! I would not believe a person who unilaterally would decide to open it, and sneak behind my back, would most likely not be using protection, telling people we was clean, as he was or is an a monogamous relationship and is clean. So clean he'll pick something up and give it to me. As BBB2.5 has shown, that does in fact happen.

If we start or end up in a partially open relationship, then the rule would be play only as a couple either with other couples or very carefully with singles. They would have to meet BOTH our approval, or it doesn't happen, and we treat it as sex only. Friendship is fine, but we would have to be guarded against feelings blossoming. I hve had these kinds of relationships. They can go either way. I would tread cautiously. If emotional cheating occurs, or he plays with someone sans me? Drop kick to the curb.

My least favorite (for me, for those of you who love them, enjoy. If you can work it wonderful) is the full open, we can play with whoever, whenever, their partner not needed or approval granted. I always felt like just a glorified roommate in those, and for that, if I ever entered back into one, I would most likely bump them down to FWB or FB and be done with it. Not for me at all. There are people who can make it work, and who are perfectly happy. I leave it to them. If I still had some say as to WHO they played with...or some involvement, maybe. But then it is just for the sex. No emotions. You fuck others to scratch an itch, fuck and go, no cuddling, or snuggling afterwards. Fuck that. In and out. No chance for stupid hormones causing bonding feelings. If you stray emotionally, you will come home to changed locks and your stuff burning in a bonfire on the lawn. You would have basically said "I convinced you that this would keep us together, and I lied." This has happened to me . No I didn't burn their clothes, but we started in a closed relationship and I was talked into opening it up, the, "it will keep us together, you know I love only you" BS line being used, and he decided after six months that he found the next best thing and when could I move out (his house).

Obviously there are a hundred thousand permutation and variations across the board. For example, if me and My Guy ever became an official couple, he would be permitted ONE female playmate to dally with. We would be allowed to see other couples or singles as long as we both wanted that and only after much discussion. No play without the other play.

One thing has bothered me in this thread. Non monogamous members who diss those of us who would want a monogamous relationship! My way of thinking: If monogamy is not for you, fine, but don't put down those of us who want it. Grrrr. makes me so mad! Most of the non monogamists were cool though. Bb as always was awesome and gave, of course, a well thought out explanation as to why he wouldn't enter one again. And without dissing anyone who craved or was in one. Unlike some OTHER members who not only looked down there snooty New York noses at it, but then offered childish rhymes in response to well thought out, honest, and heartfelt replies.

Too me that is just as bad as those who would dismiss the validity of solid emtional relationships of couples in non traditional open relationships. Like I have stressed, while not for me I don't begrudge those who are in them and who such a set up feels right for both partners. So to that New York member, please keep that in mind. Just becauswe a losed relationship is not for you, that does not give you the right to be a snarky naysayer towards those who want them, or are in them.
 

silvertriumph2

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I just don't understand...???
I know there are many, many different kinds of relationahips
...from a cursory one to one of love that joins two people
together monogamously. And, I am sure if you asked 100 people
you would get as many answers regarding what a relationship
means.

But, for me, to be in a loving commited relationship with another,
no matter if it is with the same sex or opposite sex...it means
just that..."committed" and "monogamous."

To put the one you (supposidly) love in harms way by cheating on the side...is just plain wrong and not something I would put
up with. That negates the fact that the love of that cheating
person is real and meaningful and therefore worthless. I have
never once cheated on any of my wives, gf's, bf's or partners
while in a committed relationship or a marriage. That does not
mean that I cannot be rurned on by another, but I just can not
cheat on a partner. I guess I am very old fashioned and maybe
not with it, but that's just the way it is.

I tried once to repair a failed relationship and worked very hard at it. He began to drink and I finally realized it was not worth it.

What would I do...the same as I have when It did happen to me
...have a heart to heart talk...and then show him or her the door...
 
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BBB2.5

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I would kick the bastard to the curb. Period. If he broke the rules of whatever relationship we had, be it completely monogamous, slightly open (we play as a couple) or completely open (we play singularly with others) then it would be over. For the monogamous relationship: You fuck around, emotionally or physically, your out the door. Please have the balls and common decency to inform me what you are thinking. I will always be honest in my feelings. Talk to me first.if you can't do that, there's the damn door. Also i would like to know WHO you are playing with if we mutually decide to open the relationship. If we were monogamous, we wouldn't be using protection, and if we opened it up, protection with other will need to be used. No exception! I would not believe a person who unilaterally would decide to open it, and sneak behind my back, would most likely not be using protection, telling people we was clean, as he was or is an a monogamous relationship and is clean. So clean he'll pick something up and give it to me. As BBB2.5 has shown, that does in fact happen.

If we start or end up in a partially open relationship, then the rule would be play only as a couple either with other couples or very carefully with singles. They would have to meet BOTH our approval, or it doesn't happen, and we treat it as sex only. Friendship is fine, but we would have to be guarded against feelings blossoming. I hve had these kinds of relationships. They can go either way. I would tread cautiously. If emotional cheating occurs, or he plays with someone sans me? Drop kick to the curb.

My least favorite (for me, for those of you who love them, enjoy. If you can work it wonderful) is the full open, we can play with whoever, whenever, their partner not needed or approval granted. I always felt like just a glorified roommate in those, and for that, if I ever entered back into one, I would most likely bump them down to FWB or FB and be done with it. Not for me at all. There are people who can make it work, and who are perfectly happy. I leave it to them. If I still had some say as to WHO they played with...or some involvement, maybe. But then it is just for the sex. No emotions. You fuck others to scratch an itch, fuck and go, no cuddling, or snuggling afterwards. Fuck that. In and out. No chance for stupid hormones causing bonding feelings. If you stray emotionally, you will come home to changed locks and your stuff burning in a bonfire on the lawn. You would have basically said "I convinced you that this would keep us together, and I lied." This has happened to me . No I didn't burn their clothes, but we started in a closed relationship and I was talked into opening it up, the, "it will keep us together, you know I love only you" BS line being used, and he decided after six months that he found the next best thing and when could I move out (his house).

Obviously there are a hundred thousand permutation and variations across the board. For example, if me and My Guy ever became an official couple, he would be permitted ONE female playmate to dally with. We would be allowed to see other couples or singles as long as we both wanted that and only after much discussion. No play without the other play.

One thing has bothered me in this thread. Non monogamous members who diss those of us who would want a monogamous relationship! My way of thinking: If monogamy is not for you, fine, but don't put down those of us who want it. Grrrr. makes me so mad! Most of the non monogamists were cool though. Bb as always was awesome and gave, of course, a well thought out explanation as to why he wouldn't enter one again. And without dissing anyone who craved or was in one. Unlike some OTHER members who not only looked down there snooty New York noses at it, but then offered childish rhymes in response to well thought out, honest, and heartfelt replies.

Too me that is just as bad as those who would dismiss the validity of solid emtional relationships of couples in non traditional open relationships. Like I have stressed, while not for me I don't begrudge those who are in them and who such a set up feels right for both partners. So to that New York member, please keep that in mind. Just becauswe a losed relationship is not for you, that does not give you the right to be a snarky naysayer towards those who want them, or are in them.

Thanks for the bumb....I love your passion on all these subjects.
 

BBB2.5

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I just don't understand...???
I know there are many, many different kinds of relationahips
...from a cursory one to one of love that joins two people
together monogamously. And, I am sure if you asked 100 people
you would get as many answers regarding what a relationship
means.

But, for me, to be in a loving commited relationship with another,
no matter if it is with the same sex or opposite sex...it means
just that..."committed" and "monogamous."

To put the one you (supposidly) love in harms way by cheating on the side...is just plain wrong and not something I would put
up with. That negates the fact that the love of that cheating
person is real and meaningful and therefore worthless. I have
never once cheated on any of my wives, gf's, bf's or partners
while in a committed relationship or a marriage. That does not
mean that I cannot be rurned on by another, but I just can not
cheat on a partner. I guess I am very old fashioned and maybe
not with it, but that's just the way it is.

I tried once to repair a failed relationship and worked very hard at it. He began to drink and I finally realized it was not worth it.

What would I do...the same as I have when It did happen to me
...have a heart to heart talk...and then show him or her the door...

Very nicely stated ...I agree.