Gay Dad’s For Sons Anyone Else In A Similar Situation?

[1229858]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years (LDR and not an open relationship) we have talked about being “gay dad’s” he is 30 I’m 25. Gay dad’s in the sense that we want to help care and help youth 25 and under. When we eventually live together be able to offer our house as a home that they can also be welcome to come over stay there for a long period of time if they need to. Buy them things they may need every so often. Go on trips with them. We would keep everything with our sons confidential and would have a bit of a sexual relationship (18-25 only) like if they wanted to experience things and to help them understand what they may like and dislike

If any of our friends asked about them we would refer to them as just friends but to our sons we would call them our sons

Has anyone else thought of doing a similar thing?

Think it’s weird? That’s okay just something we choose to do


We are just really caring people and want to help youth, care for them and support them as much as we can

 

[Brodie888]

When you add the sexual component, your proposal goes from philanthropic to prostitution.

 

[malakos]

We are just really caring people...

It's almost as if you're trying to convince yourself of this.

 

[MisterB]

Your opening post makes me think you and your husband's motives are simply nothing other than to get sex in exchange for helping someone in need. Is that who the two of you are?

You "help" someone expecting something in return? If so, I'd suggest you look up altruistic motive versus ulterior motive. Your post seems to generate from the latter. Which, IMO, is the worst type of "help" one can offer; something with a cost associated with said "help". Unless that cost is spelled out from the start.

If that's what you want, then you need to be explicit about the requirements with any potential young man you and hubby want to "help".

What's troubling me the most is that you are describing young men who may be vulnerable and truly in need of a safe place to land. And cope. And heal. And learn how to deal with life. I'd think that for most of these young men, the last thing they would need is some sort of sexual pressure.

Is this what you want to hear: "Well, they've been so nice, I guess I'll let them suck my dick." Is that what you had in mind here? If so, that's just wrong.

If you and hubby are looking to spice up your sex life, that's great. Plenty of social media apps; you can always go out to the bars and clubs too looking for a 3rd or 4th or whatever.

Your idea, as presented here however, is simply fucked up. On so many levels! Wow. Just wow.

 

[Devken]

Then don't talk about wanting to have sex with- what would arguably be called- your adoptive child.

The moment you mentioned that you would indulge in the sexual fantasies of your adopted child, that's when it became creepy. It's not even creepy in the sense that you imagine your son being the one to initiate sexual contact, but it's creepy because you are anticipating it, it's something you've actively thought about and in the way you are describing it, you are actively hoping that it will happen.

That's how porn works, but not real life. In the real world if your teenaged child, plagued by hormones, is trying to explore his sexuality with you, who is an authoritive figure and/or parent, you should create a healthy distance between yourselves. You can explain to the child that what he is experiencing is sexual desire, or just plain curiosity, but you also need to explain that you can't physically be part of that journey. The age difference isn't so much the problem, but the level of development is a far bigger problem, you are an adult who has experienced those feelings before, you have already been shaped by your experiences, your child hasn't. You are a parental figure, not a sexual equal or partner, you need to know that, and so does your son. If you engage or indulge in that behaviour it will alter the relationship on a profound level and will endanger the development of your child.

People have written books about how it is wrong for a parent to engage in sexual relations with their children. Read them, they haven't been written without reason.

Also, that's the socio/psychological reasoning why you shouldn't do it... there is also the law, which says you shouldn't do it, because when you aren't convinced by intrinsic reasons, there is an excellent extrinsic reason why you shouldn't do it.

When porn becomes something you want to act out in real life... you need to change your porn-diet. Porn is fantasy, not reality.

 

[Auggiecakes]

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years (LDR and not an open relationship) we have talked about being “gay dad’s” he is 30 I’m 25. Gay dad’s in the sense that we want to help care and help youth 25 and under. When we eventually live together be able to offer our house as a home that they can also be welcome to come over stay there for a long period of time if they need to. Buy them things they may need every so often. Go on trips with them. We would keep everything with our sons confidential and would have a bit of a sexual relationship (18-25 only) like if they wanted to experience things and to help them understand what they may like and dislike

If any of our friends asked about them we would refer to them as just friends but to our sons we would call them our sons

Has anyone else thought of doing a similar thing?

Think it’s weird? That’s okay just something we choose to do


We are just really caring people and want to help youth, care for them and support them as much as we can

This is disturbing. You aren’t doing this out of genuine kindness, you want to live out a fantasy. You want to take advantage of someone’s misfortune. Especially someone who is young, naive and maybe even desperate. Unfortunately the gay community is full of men like you and you SO. You can try and hide it any way you want but you are a predator and I highly doubt you want 18-25.

 

[fuckersplit]

It is all great but sex part is troubling. The problem is that you have a young men (18-25) who needs mojey and you help him but then you ask for sex. In that moment you are superior to him because he is poor and he doesn’t have a real option to say no because he would be afraid what will happen next.

 

[cedarizzo]

Seems very creepy to me. I think helping and caring for the young men is great. But when you add in the sex part, it becomes creepy. You are wanting to have these young men come to you because they need help/money/guidance. You are put in a role of being a mature level-headed father-like role model. But that is thrown out the window when you add the sex to the situation. Then you are either their pimp or you are the john buying their services.

 

[Brodie888]

Drop the act and get a houseboy.

 

[gobigold]

Ick. Just ick.

 

[1141702]

Drop the act and get a houseboy.

 

[cedarizzo]

You’re both demented.

The really demented part is the fact that he keeps arguing that it isn't what it really is. That is super demented to me.

Everybody sees exactly what you are trying to do. You keep denying it by talking circles around it. But in the end, you are wanting to pay/buy gifts for young guys who are financially, emotionally and maturity needy. They are looking up to your for guidance and all you can offer them is sex in exchange for money/gifts. SICK!

 

[Tbprivate]

If you happen to discuss your proposal to official adoption authorities they’d refuse to allow any needy young guys anywhere near you.
If your desire is to help troubled individuals then why aren’t you inviting females into your home too?

 

[malakos]

I'd be into it, don't know why y'all being dramatic about a relationship that seems 100% consensual.

Because one can "consent" to being exploited. Consent alone isn't sufficient to establish what is ethical.

 

[Brian S]

Find an 18-25 year old to fuck.
Help younger men in the way you described.
Nary should the two concepts meet.

Like, if y'all wanna have a houseboy to fuck around with, by all means, go for it. If you want to hire a pool boy to work in his speedo and give you both a little rumpy pumpy, then by all means... But don't dress it up as some philanthropic effort. You providing him with a house to stay in and food on the table and buying him things and generally helping him get on his feet creates a distinct and creepy power imbalance when you take it into sexual realms. (Don't even get me started on calling him "son".)

If you truly, truly, truly want to help boys who have been kicked out of their homes by bigoted parents, or boys who have fallen on hard times, do it. That's a noble cause. But no, no, no, no to sex. EVEN if they want it and instigate it. Just because someone might be curious, they don't have to come to you. In fact, the "helping them figure out what they might like" part is even skeevier. At least the other way you'd be talking about a gay man who knows he's gay. Consider this: What if the guy's curious and you guys show him all sorts of shit, and he ends up being straight and uncomfortable because he's just fucked around with the men who are supporting him? And that's one of the better scenarios off the top of my head.

Pro-Tip: If you couldn't tell your friends what was going on and would feel the need to lie to them instead: it's a bad idea.

 

[keenobserver]

A power dynamic in relationships is very tricky. Sooner or later one side feels well put upon and it creates problems. Over the last 40 years I had a few guys who needed a place to land - but I only let them land for a week, two at the most. They are vulnerable and after looking, but not touching I get cranky. I can go into a lot of specifics but the summary is this - they younger, dependent person feels obligated after a point to repay in some way - even if it is not asked sex is implied. It's different if it is a relative, or even a relative's child fresh out of college, but a gay man with no other connection other than he needs a place to land - that is not going to end well. It's problematic in Foster Care and that is a contracted relationship.

Your op outlines a utopian situation where you and your bf are benevolent mentors. The real world has a way of fucking that up. It was a plot device of sorts in the original "Tales of the City" by Amistad Maupin. That was the only place I even knew that it worked somewhat - and that was a novel.

I agree with @Mister B .

 

[umdoistressilvaquatro]

You can't have a sexual relationship with people you keep in a power imbalance.

 

[Bunny35]

there is nothing wrong with wanting a son, but dont dress it up as some meaningful gesture.......You want a house boy to fuck

 

[Brian S]

This is all trying to be helpful not to take advantage. Maybe I didn’t explain myself well

We are flying out to meet one of our sons in a few weeks and buy him a computer and other things he needs for school. He is going off the college and can’t afford a computer we’ve know him for over 3 year and never had any sexual contact for us it’s not about the sex it’s about being helpful and caring for someone

This terrifies me. This squicks me out soooo fucking much. I'm sorry, but first of all, I'm assuming this boy has parents? Is this boy already someone else's son? Calling someone "son" while lavishing him with gifts and maintaining even a droplet of hope that he might be sexually into you both is SO FUCKING INCREDIBLY CREEPY. Put as much lipstick on a pig as you want, and it's still lipstick on a pig: you're targeting this boy. This Dudley Do-Right face you keep putting on is in direct odds with your actions. If you want to be philanthropic, be philanthropic. Donate to a gay youth shelter. Donate to a program that helps buy school supplies for kids. Start a GoFundMe for troubled youth or volunteer at a soup kitchen. Plucking one college boy out of the aether to fly to him, buy him things he needs, and call him your son is so incredibly, heinously full of red flags, I barely know where to begin.

I'm also quite confused how you've known him for over 3 years yet have been together as a couple for 2? Also, WHY have you known him for 3 years? I'm having trouble with this math...

Just starting college this fall + you've "known" him for over 3 years + you've never met him in person before = predatory as all fuck.

Also, just to throw this out there: a 2 year relationship is WAY too new for this sort of fuckery.

 

[Brodie888]

Putting the ethics aside for a moment. I'm not really sure how wise it is to create a situation where you are sexually involved with other people in the house when your relationship is not very well developed.