gay guys (mostly): monogamy worth it? possible?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by slang23, Sep 22, 2007.

  1. slang23

    slang23 New Member

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    gay guys - I've had a few, but not a ton, of relationships now and viewing others and my own it seems like monogamy is impossible - ESPECIALLY (and ironically) if you have hope of permanence to the relationship. (and esp when a big dick is involved). Monogamy, seems possible - but seems like it would be too risky as it can tear your relationship up with lies and sketch.

    it just seems the successful ones are open to an extent - where the two avoid jealousy as much as possible. it just seems that monogamy at a young age - I am 26 - leads to infidelity or just an obsession with thinking about it.

    what do you guys think.
     
  2. xeno88

    xeno88 New Member

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    i think it does have to do with being young, or its a gay thing i dont know, either or i know its just really really hard for us(gays) cuz theres so much temptation
     
  3. headbang8

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    Monogamy is possible. But it ain't easy.

    I think that both partners need be properly respectful of the urge to stray. It's strong. It's human. It can't really be stopped.

    If monogamy involves pretending the urge ain't there, then it ain't going to work.

    Monogamy entails sacrifice. You're surrendering your control over your own body. One hopes that both partners acknowledge the gift that the other is making. And that the sacrifice holds some pay-off for both...in the form of emotional stability, a safe home, a sense of security, or however one defines it.

    My relationship is a long distance one (happily, it will become a no-distance one, soon). When we knew we'd be apart for extended periods, we each gave the other permission to stray. I have done so once or twice, never seriously. And frankly, I'm not fussed whether my other half has, or hasn't. If he found someone to cuddle on a cold night...well, good for him. I like that idea better than the thought of him being lonely.

    Are we unfaithful? What, exactly, our we faithful to?

    Long, loving relationships are emotionally faithful--they make you feel safe, and loved. The way to betray that faith is to stop loving your partner--or to do something that makes the other feel unsafe or unloved. Or at the very least bring that sense of security into question.

    Faith implies a belief in a higher purpose, and the life we have created in each other's arms is what we believe in. We don't consider sex with others a sin against what we believe in. Not necessarily, anyway.

    The Australian comedienne Judith Lucy had some schtick about relationships which ran sopmething like this. She would rather her husband have a knee-trembler with a floozy in a lift than for him to have an intelligent conversation with another woman over lunch. A little extreme, but it has a grain of truth to it.
     
  4. silvertriumph2

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    I believe it is definitely possible to be monogamous.

    However, to make it work, the relationship must be one based on a deep mutual love and trust. One based on deceit will never, ever work.

    The relationship has to be an open one where frank discussions are always
    possible, and one in which arguments or disagreements are never allowed to linger and fester. As they say, never let the sun set on anger. There are many times that I have acquiesced (as I am sure he has) so that we never go to bed angry with each other.

    With regards to sex, we both are sexual people and so it is a big part of our beings. Since we are both BI, it was hard at first, but eventually I learned not to be jealous if he looked at or talked with another man or women.

    Yes, it did get to me one time and I regret it. He has never, ever since it happened, mentioned it. Bless him for that! We were with a mixed crowd and I sat there getting more and more steamed watching him flirt with this women. He ordered another couple of pitchers of beer, and when they arrived, I stood up, and without saying a word, poured the entire pitcher over his head. Everyone left the table and he and I just sat there staring at each other. He didn't wipe his head or face...just sat there dripping wet with clothes thoroughly soaked. After what seemed like hours, he got up, took my hand and said..."let's go home." When we got home he said, "you know I love you, don't you?" The incident has never been mentioned since.

    Over the years, we have worked out a deal with each other. Both of being BI and divorced fathers, he and I both have a woman or two that we see occasionally to satisfy that other side of our longings. And there have been a few men also, but it has always been openly discussed before hand and out in the open. If safe sex is not practiced, with either the men or women, it won't happen! He knows that I am a member here and gets a kick out of it. He belongs to another site which I am aware of. Since we both know that we will never meet any of these people, it can be a real aphrodisiac for us later.
     
  5. slang23

    slang23 New Member

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    still though, if you were entering a relationship with someone who could be the one, but you just weren't sure - would you rather it be open or monog?

    My friends say, if you avoid selfishness/jealousy then have it be open...maybe its easier to avoid jealousy than to avoid infidelity.

    Does an open relationship "cheapen" a relationship/bond?
     
  6. Industrialsize

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

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    I'm 47 and have been with the same man for 27 years......that's right, I was 20 when we met....our monogamy vs. open has been an ever evolving situation that has required trust and honesty over the years to make work.....we were mostly monogamous for the vast portion of our relationship....tho while on vacation we would often visit the local bath houses together, yet play separately......It is only in the past few years that we've developed the amount of trust to have an "open" relationship......It started with a period of "don't ask, don't tell, what I don't know won't bother me" period regarding extra-curricular play....as of late, we're working on becoming open and accepting if either partner want's to play out side the relationship and are looking for a third who might like to play with us. We're very happy together.
     
  7. SyddyKitty

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    The majority of these "monogamous" relationships, between gay men, seem to be open. I speak not only of the posters, but the friends I've had. I personally don't believe a sexually "open" relationship is monogamy at all.

    I do, however, understand that it's likely harder in a homosexual relationship... what with the socially-accepted sex-drive of men. Hmm... I'll see how this thread developes. I personally don't think LPSG is the place to ask such, after having been here for only about a month and observing the population.

    Trust, forgiveness, communication, and honesty, however, I feel are integral and no monogamous relationship can make it without a good amount of all.

    Edit: I also feel that men will say or do anything to make themselves sound/look good, in the eyes of the public...
     
  8. slang23

    slang23 New Member

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    wow that helps a lot industrial, i was wondering what you were at the beginning though?

    possible to have trust/communication towards (not at though) the beginning>?
     
  9. playwithrob

    playwithrob New Member

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    im 21 and this is my 1st serious gay relationship, he is 28 and we have been together for 18 months now. Not once has it ever crossed my mind if he is, or would ever cheat on me. Its all about trust and trust we both have for each other.

    Only issue i have to over come is te stigma attatched to the whole gay thing. my mum and dad are fine with it, but if we talked about getting married it would cause upset and unease.

    Still only time will tell eh? :)

    Rob
     
  10. viny2602

    viny2602 New Member

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    we been monogomous for 18 yrs - we feel that our sex life is 4 us and no one else - sex makes us feel closer and more united ! so from our perspective involving a 3rd or 4th or 5th etc weakens our bond ! not 4 all i agree but worked 4 many years 4 us !
     
  11. Hellboy0

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    My partner and I have been monogamous for 15 years and recognise that though we prefer to be with each other, 'things' do happen.

    I agree with IndustrialSize and headbang8 that its about honesty and trust in your relationship. I do not want to be with partnered with anyone else so I'm very careful to not confuse lust with love. Though the urge to play with the hotties does pop up (I'm a normal man with abnormal drive), I wouldn't act these interests out unless we'd talked about it.

    As a mature, intelligent male, I question the healthiness of monogamy as an absolute. But all of us have to come up with our own solutions. Just be prepared to question all of your firmly-held philosophies as you grow, and you'll be fine. Good luck!
     
  12. DC_DEEP

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    Monogamy is possible, for gay or straight folks. Is it worth it? That's something that only the two people involved can answer.
     
  13. Wolfhawke

    Wolfhawke New Member

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    I think that's very much true...though I personally seem to be a "Serial Monogamist" in the terms that I'm faithful to the person I'm with at the time. This has been true for most of my life. However the older I get, the more I'd just rather have one person to share life and intimacy and actually make things work that would have otherwise been dealbreakers in the past. I think maturity has a lot to do with monogamy...let's face it straight men are just as bad as gay men when it comes to sowing oats (it's a perpetuation of the species thing), but society has taught them by and large that it's not acceptable.
     
  14. huw ginnit

    huw ginnit New Member

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    Monogamy is perfectly possible if both parties are prepared to face the prospect of not sleeping with other people, it's that simple!.

    I am monogamous, though in past relationships, partners have taken advantage of my trust. However the relationship I have is based on trust, and love.

    Age can be a major factor, I found that the guys I was seeing in my early twenties, lacked the commitment and maturity to put aside the opportunities that came along for the security of a strong relationship and followed their dicks and not their heads/hearts. Now a I am older, I know that my partner has the same feeling as I do, to be completely reserved from outside activities. Because we choose to and because we feel it makes for the better relationship.

    Should a "third" option become a consideration, I know that it'll be something that we deal with in the framework of OUR relationship, that anything that could develop would be mutually reasoned, understood and accepted. WITHIN the relationship.

    If your looking for THAT kind of relationship, I'm afraid you might have a little way to go to find what your after, however, it is not impossible and the right person will find the commitment you want from them in you also.

    I am sure two people who can verbalise their ideals in an open relationship can make it work, it's just that the implicit trust that's required is often passed over for a "Blinkered-I-can't-be-hurt-because-I-don't-know-the-full-story" scenario. Meaning you might get hurt and not know why!

    If you trust someone, you can accept what they do, not shut it out in an attempt to save your own feelings. What others here have described has not been trusting, it's been excusing...a big difference.

    The development of a relationship, over time with a person you love can be the most rewarding thing you''ll ever do in life. Just because it's difficult doesn't mean its not worth the effort.
     
  15. Industrialsize

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

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    we started out monogamous
     
  16. norcal9

    norcal9 New Member

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    as a gay male who lives for sex, i feel the best part of sex is without reservation. to play with no holding back or condoms.

    i know of nothing that turns me on more than to fuck with my partner and know that the goods are not tainted. to consume happily all parts of him. i have been in monogamous relationships and they are not always easy. but, the rewards outweigh the sacrifice for me. to fuck my partner raw and thouroughly enjoy combining and consuming our fluids. to lap up his blood, sweat, piss, and cum without reservation. that is as good as it gets. to be in love and give ourselves to each other. safe sex is less than total release.

    since having been in monogamous relationships with "no holds barred" sex, and also, more currently, been in open relationships with safe sex... there is no comparison. i would happily drop lesser (safe, condomed sex) for full on fucking and fluid exchange with the man i love. for me the sacrifice is worth it.

    being hiv- and wanting to stay hiv-, the best relationship i could dream of is with my monogamous hiv- partner. sure, there are lots of hot guys out there, and if i was to have uninhibited sex with them, i would feel afterwards unsure of my own safety. did i contract hiv or some other std? the question always haunts me. and sometimes, so do the test results.

    i am confused by how a polyamorous (open) relationship can be called monogamous. it seems to me that to open a relationship is to degrade it.
     
  17. solexes

    solexes New Member

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    Why is it that 99% of all people think that gay men CAN'T be monogomous - and I'm not just talking about the love part.

    Every relationship is based on core values of the individuals involved. It is nothing more - and nothing less - than who you are before you come into the relationship as to whether or not you can be monogomous.

    Lets take the classic straight world example first. There are PLENTY of couples, (remember - straight) - who are monogomous. My grandfather and grandmother were married 46 years - and had been high school sweet hearts. She died in 1975 - and he died in 1998 - still wearing his wedding ring, and had a picture of her by his bed.

    My mother and father were married for 30 years before he died at age 63 in 1999. Never once did he stray.

    Now - lets look at some of the older gay couples...

    My ex's uncles - two pair - both with their partners for 15 years. ONE pair went open - and quickly closed it back up - because it wasn't for them. His partner died of cancer at 52 and is grieving horribly. The other pair - still together - watching the evening news together - eating popcorn and falling asleep at 8pm.

    But why do so many younger gay men use the expression "Oh - it's human nature to not be monogomous." Or "we shouldn't expect the same things in relationships as straigt people as we have a new oportunity to define what love is."

    Bullcrap.

    Monogomy is what we want as humans - but multiple partners is what we want as animals. I'm not saying its bad - but one of the biggest problems in society is that we try to bury what we are - animals - and then shun our humanity. It's why so many people feel guilty about so many things. If we accept that we are animal - AND human - and integrate both into our lives - there is no reason why monogomy is not possible.

    I was in a long term relationship for over 7 years. We opened up the relationship - which was the worst idea I ever had, Growing up with examples of monogomy - and what real commited relationships are all about - it tore me up to think I couldn't live up to my predicesors examples. I swore after that - never again.

    It has little to do with being gay - and everything to do with being self-accepting as to who and what we are. Many straights can't be monogomous because they're selfish and only want want want - and rarely give give give. The balance in life is to know when to give and when to take - and not always take.

    My partner and I have been together for a short 4 months - but we both know what cheating is not an option - and neither of us even feel like wanting to (I never did - even when I agreed to open the relationship with my ex). We are enough for each other - and plan on holding on to what we have for as long as we can.

    Monogomy - sure it's possible.....

    But you have to be ready for it - to comit to it - and to be comfortable with yourself before you will even begin to be able to be monogomous...
     
  18. disconap1973

    disconap1973 New Member

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    I totally agree with you. Those who say monogamy is not possible with gay men must not have any will power. I see guys every day and would love to rip their clothes off and go at it, but I don't. Fellow fags, let's have a little character please and stop stipping down for every stiff breeze that comes along.
     
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