Gay men in pursuit of straight men

beltboy

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Maybe its that some gay men always carry around the feeling that "everybody is a little bit gay", and that perhaps there might be a chance opportunity with a straight guy. I have THREE straight-identified good friends who all dabbled a bit with other dudes. As far as I know all three were fine with it after, did not feel like their sexuality was threatened in any way. One even continued some bi play with a buddy, but never crossed over into sex.

So I suppose there might be some merit to that idea...who knows????
 

uberhund

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I'm gay, and I have to say that I prefer gay guys: as soon as I know someone's gay they become more attractive to me! As soon as I heard Ricky Martin was gay I stopped seeing him as some rather plastic-faced gym-perfect twink type and noticed what an attractive man he is.

But it wasn't always like that for me. Like many gay men I spent a lot of my adolescence yearing after unnattainable straight guys: I think it was a kind of self-punishing thing, like that thing that some straight women have about only liking guys they can't get. Once I got more sorted out and happier in my sexuality I stopped wasting my life fancying straight guys!

In my work as a volunteer for London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard I'd occasionally come across newly-come-out guys who said that they're ultimate fantasy was to have sex with a straight guy, so it's a reasonably common thing. I think the idea is that a straight guy is a 'real man' and we want to have sex with 'real men', not women, or men who act like women (which is probably why so many box ads say 'not camp'!). It saddens my when I hear it though, as it can only lead to misery. I honestly think it's a self-oppressive phase that many of us go through, of thinking we're not 'real men' because we're gay, and therefore less attractive.
 

D_Pomeroy Pokingstick

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Just wanted to say that this was a great response, very insightful to hear your experience working as a volunteer. The "real man" hypothesis is a bit troubling to hear but I hope that those who are in that mindset would quickly realize that nothing could be further from the truth.

I'm gay, and I have to say that I prefer gay guys: as soon as I know someone's gay they become more attractive to me! As soon as I heard Ricky Martin was gay I stopped seeing him as some rather plastic-faced gym-perfect twink type and noticed what an attractive man he is.

But it wasn't always like that for me. Like many gay men I spent a lot of my adolescence yearing after unnattainable straight guys: I think it was a kind of self-punishing thing, like that thing that some straight women have about only liking guys they can't get. Once I got more sorted out and happier in my sexuality I stopped wasting my life fancying straight guys!

In my work as a volunteer for London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard I'd occasionally come across newly-come-out guys who said that they're ultimate fantasy was to have sex with a straight guy, so it's a reasonably common thing. I think the idea is that a straight guy is a 'real man' and we want to have sex with 'real men', not women, or men who act like women (which is probably why so many box ads say 'not camp'!). It saddens my when I hear it though, as it can only lead to misery. I honestly think it's a self-oppressive phase that many of us go through, of thinking we're not 'real men' because we're gay, and therefore less attractive.
 

arthur

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Okay just a few points here as I feel you have touched on many issues.

Knew someone a few years ago who was described as 'poor John, he has an illness, he only lusts after straight men'. I just laughed at it and dismissed it as an affectation. It's a left over that probably comes from our teenage years of identifying with what is a 'straight man'. The high school quarterback, the police man, this then all developes into quasi camp gay iconography, IE the Village People. Perceived straight men then become the gay man's ultimate man, IE the Marlborogh man.

Without labouring the situation, yes I assume every gay man goes through this phase early on in their sexual development. It might be an extension of them not wating to come out...or even identify with what is 'straight'.

But any adult gay man who cannot indentify when another is straight and leave them alone after being told has greater issues to deal with that just a percieved challenge of converting the 'straight boy'. It's again about human relations, it's about just listening to what other people say. Regardles of whether they are gay or straight. And what ever happend to people's instincts?! No thank you is no thank you... Just pay attention.

Lastly...I may be off tangent here. But this is probably why so many gay men label themselves with the term I personally loath the most 'straight acting'. It sounds as thought they are putting themselves into a more elegible category than if they were 'gay acting'
 

D_Scotty Bagpipe

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I've never been interested in straight men. What's so fucking special about them? I find them dull, easy to intimidate, and generally uninventive. Basically, they are dull -- even the supposed "metrosexuals" said to inhabit Manhattan, Miami, and Los Angles.

I'm turned on by intelligence just as much as good looks. IMO gay men tend to be better looking and mellenia ahead of straight men in the evolution of being articulate, creative, and humane. Nope. As an old straight friend told his wife when we had a three-way back in 1971, "MLB didn't even touch me. I was disappointed." Whereas I fucked the Hell out of his wife who enjoyed herself just fine and admitted that she had to see her OBGYN a few days later because of vaginal tears that continued to bleed, adding, "If you want to get together with me again, just let me know."

Nope. Straight men, although often cute to look at, are the last thing I want to touch.

Midlifebear - what alternate reality are you living in? i know it's only your opinion but really? gay dudes are better looking, more creative and articulate that straight dudes? i find if anything certain concentrated groups of people bring out the worst shared character traits in that particular group especially when there is a collective self perception and projection of being better than 'the rest'. dull people are dull. creative people are creative. sexuality has little to do with it.
 

D_Scotty Bagpipe

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Lastly...I may be off tangent here. But this is probably why so many gay men label themselves with the term I personally loath the most 'straight acting'. It sounds as thought they are putting themselves into a more elegible category than if they were 'gay acting'

it's because there are very binary identities being offered up - and because some people don't identify with what a lot of people consider to be a gay identity they define themselves as straight acting - in opposition.
there are a lot of gay identities sold for popular consumption through TV shoes but i'd argue that they're hardly very representative of the multitude of identities that exist in the real world. it's a rubbish state of affairs to be in but it's like we are in some sort of transitional period with regards to societal norms and categorisation.
 

Shadow38x

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I'll admit to having fallen for straight guys many times. Maybe it's something about their confidence. In my case, I don't think it's because of the challenge, but it could be. I do think there is a strong element of thinking they might be latently gay. In a couple of cases, my gaydar (or, as I call it, "queervoyance,") has proved to be accurate.

But with one or two of these guys, it was just that I really fell in love with them for who they were, and desparately wished they felt the same way about me. I found myself taking things the way I wanted to take them, instead of taking them at face value. In several instances, it was very devastating to me and I found myself fixated on the guys.

It's easy enough for me to laugh when someone would say, "How do you know you don't like women if you've never given them a try?" but it's hard for me to give a guy that same benefit of the doubt. Fortunately, I finally wound up with a man who, after twenty years of marriage, decided to admit he was gay. We've been together for two years now. It makes me look back on my fixation for the straight guys with a little bit of embarrassment, but it comes down to the fact that you can't change the emotions your heart feels with the logic of your head.

To the original poster, I'd say go easy on your gay friend. If it gets to a point where you just can't put up with it anymore, be upfront and tell him in a kind way that his actions are causing a rift in the friendship and hope he can move on. And be flattered that he finds you so attractive!
 

Maxime_

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I wouldn't chase any straight guy. It is always a troubled and tricky situation. You mostly never get anything out of it. IF you manage having sex with them, probably they would get scared or consider it as a game, or consider it like a one-time occasion, and dump you with the excuse of the mistake.
It is ayway true that many gay men look for "straight" guys or straight looking guys, cuz they are more masculine....i am quite bored by men who do not have a good relationship with their feminine side, so i do not love spending time with most straight guys. I do not have much to tell them. No mean to offend anyone....
 

davidjh7

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There isn't much I can add to what already has been said. I also tend to take things at face value until or unless there is more information to change my outlook. If a guy says he is straight, I have to assume that means he is not romantically interested in men--that doesn't mean he won't ever have sex with a guy---that is about circumstance and chemistry, although most truly straight men do not have any sexual desire to be with a guy. There are some gay men that constantly pursue straight men, and I suspect that it has more to do with cultural perception on what masculinity is than anything, else, and a mainly homosexual man wants a MAN, not a woman, and that includes the physical and cultural perceptions of what makes a man. I have straight friends I have been attracted to, and gay friends I am not attracted to--that is attraction. How we treat each other as friends under these circumstances has to do with respect. If a friend is hitting on you, and you have been decent in rbuking his advances, and he is still hitting on you, he isn't respecting you, period, and is being a lousy friend. You then have the choice as to whether to keep him as a friend. You may choose to give him a clear choice--stop the advances, or the friendship ends. You may choose just to drop him. If his friendship means enough to you to put up with his crap, then you have to accept it--it is totally up to you---but he likely won't change unless he values YOUR friendship enough to keep his hormones in check when he is around you. He may not be capable of it, and if not, then the friendship is probably as painful to him as it is to you, and you need to end the friendship, tragic as the reasons may be, for him to move on. The guy I loved the deepest in my life was straight, and it mentally screwed me up for a long time. I accepted his sexality, and who he is, because I loved him for who he is. It took many years, and him moving far away, before i was able to get over him, and we haven;t talked in many years, but he will always be the person I loved the most--but it was not meant to be, and I accepted that. Again, nothing really new to add, just maybe one more perspective. Good luck!
 

D_Vinny_Velcro

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I'm good friends with a gay friend i met at University, i saved his life once in our first year, he took badly sick once and i was able to get him to the hospital as no ambulance for some reason could come to get him, that nite onwards he took a shine to me, and for a long time i had to deflect suggestive things that he wanted , BJ's etc, eventually one day i sorta lost the temper, saying i wouldn't be interested and never would be, nothing personal against him at all, jst the way i am, he's never brought it up again since then thankfully, i'm glad cos the only reason i said those things is cos we're as good friends as we are, i do not want something like that to ruin it, thankfully since then, we're still pretty good friends :)
 

DQSundae

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Does anyone think that maybe it's man thing rather than a straight or gay thing? Men are the hunters. We typically do the chasing. Why do men pursue married women? Women get approached by men all the time even when they just want to sit alone or with a group of friends and eat a meal.

It's the challenge of the hunt, it's in our blood. There are some guys who are always working it, even after they've been told no.
 

Brick7

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Playing the amateur psychologist for a moment...
The pursuit of a straight man could be due to poor self-esteem. The gay guy doesn't feel worthy of love so he pursues someone who can't love him back.
I can say I'm guilty of pursuing straight men in the past but no longer.
 

invisibleman

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When I was a teen in the eighties...they didn't have gay support groups where teens could go and meet gay men. So, I had crushes on straight men because I simply didn't know any better.

I found a gay support group AFTER college. Met some really hot gay men. Went clubbing...met more gay men. Couple of decades and a few failed long-term relationships later. I am in the dating scene again...go to the gay clubs...the gay men are wanting straight men. :)confused:) I am like, "YOU ARE IN A GAY BAR AND YOU DON'T WANT GAY MEN...YOU WANT STRAIGHT MEN?" I left and never went back.

(I am not competing with any straight men.)




 

D_Hammond Happydipper

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Forgive me if I mistaken, but it seems to be a common trend with some gay men. If a guy you are friends with tells you that he is straight is it something you accept, or are you always thinking it is a possibility?

Of course I am not saying all gay men do this, or that all straight men are desirable to gay men. So please do not be offended, I am just looking for a bit more understanding and perhaps spark a debate.

I have numerous gay friends and they don't seem to have this desire. However one of my friends does, it's been made clear to him many times that I am straight however it is very annoying having to deflect suggestive comments every so often. I enjoy being friends with this person, however advances like this are uncomfortable and it results in making me want to be more distant with him.

I think it could be compared to a feeling when a male/female friendship exsists and one person is pursing a relationship while the other isn't interested. Of course it is different that one has a straight/straight relationship, while the other is a straight/gay one. And yes I know, it's not all black and white and their are grey areas when it comes to sexuality, not everyone is 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual (as evident with many LPSG members)

I dunno, I guess I don't understand, is it the chase? fun or challenge of trying to change their point of view at least temporarily?

Feel free and tell me what you think
Um that is why I changed it to 99%/1%

The number of messages to my inbox dropped from a bunch every day to maybe every other week.
 
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Boy have I had my share! But the guys I've "converted" were curious already so it isn't my fault. I mean generally, when someone is straight, you know it. You can feel it, you know there out of bounds, its sorta of a challenge like a game sorta for people. (Gays and Bi's) Thing is, you always want, what you can't have. Which is fine, unless the "straight one" is seriously straight and you keep trying, that's not cool. People know right from wrong, if there not gay, don't make em. Don't push it... just ask or bring it to there attention, Let them make themsevels gay or bi or whatever lol.