Gay open relationships

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by hungmtl, Apr 12, 2011.

  1. hungmtl

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2011
    Messages:
    78
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    46
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    montreal
    Verified:
    Photo
    Hi...

    I've been with my bf for over 2 years. We've been in an open relationship since the beginning. He travels a lot for his job and at some point I couldn't stand not having sex while he was away because I'm such a horn dog and because I love the feeling of new encounters (new cock?) from time to time.

    Our sex life is awesome but I still love to chase around other guys. I never do it under his nose and never lie about it. I'm really respectful of the ground rules we laid out.

    But I think deep down he would rather if I stopped and became exclusive to him. I know I can't do it, partly because he travels so much but also because even though he didn't travel at all I know at some point I'd crave meeting new guys from time to time. To me it doesn't take anything from the love I have for him.

    I love my bf like crazy and want our relationship to last. But at the same time, I know myself and how horny I get all the time... So I try to be really transparent and communicative with him as possible. But sometimes I feel that I'm hurting him, and that is the last one I would want to do.

    Any thoughts from anyone who has been in that situation?
     
  2. blacklibran1

    blacklibran1 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2007
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    los angeles
    You are being selfish. You want to have your cake and eat it too. If you loved him and he is enough for you..you wouldn't need to go looking elsewhere for other dick. Sooner or later he's going to do the same to you..and most likely when he does it you are not going to even remotely like it. Also..by not being exclusive you are running the risk of std etc. I honestly feel if you want to play around then break up with him. I never understood the the reason for an "open relationship". Its like you guys are that insecure that you need to keep each other around for the sake of having someone? I have seen so many gay relationships that have ended poorly due to the open relationship factor. If you feel like you need a variety of cock..then honor yourself and have that. You should be happy..but don't keep someone in the mix who mosre than likely is super hurt by your behavior. Let him go..and go do you. Its that simple.
     
  3. hungmtl

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2011
    Messages:
    78
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    46
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    montreal
    Verified:
    Photo
    Interesting point of view. Thanks!

    I can add tho that he does the same thing and meets other guys. We talk about it and honestly, it turns me on!

    We are not about to break up. On the contrary we are in a very loving relationship and are planning for the future. We live toghether and have many projects.

    I'm just wondering how other people in similar situations deal with that.
     
  4. blacklibran1

    blacklibran1 New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2007
    Messages:
    62
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    los angeles
    With all that said , if he does it to you and vice versa..and you guys are in love and mutual consent is apparent..what's the issue of you hurting him?
     
  5. hungmtl

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2011
    Messages:
    78
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    46
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    montreal
    Verified:
    Photo
    issue is that I think I like this situation better than he does...
     
  6. funkymonkey1983

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2008
    Messages:
    29
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    9
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Plymouth UK
    Verified:
    Photo
    Talk to him about it, in a non-confrontational way. Ask him if he enjoys it as much as you, and that him telling you honestly won't effect your relationship.

    If he tells you that it doesn't bother him then no problem, if he tells you that he enjoys it less than you, find out why? maybe its a jealousy thing (not a bad kind of jealousy, more "he's my bf so I should be doing that with him") or insecurity over it.

    Either way talking to him about it is the best thing you can do - there's no point beating yourself up on a hunch that may turn out to be nothing.
     
  7. DV8

    DV8
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2006
    Messages:
    1,071
    Albums:
    5
    Likes Received:
    152
    Gender:
    Male
    I'll respond to you down below

    Wow, that was kinda asshole like, and yet, I agree but not completely. I don't believe that they're insecure or selfish. You like what you like. I too enjoy new ass, and I would rather settle down with someone who is cool with an open relationship. I've had this conversation with a friend of mine- he and I love each other a lot, and we joke with a bit of truth. We have this agreement that if we're both single by the time we get all the degrees that we want, then we'll settle down and start a family. He knows how I am sexually, but he has stated that he's not into open relationships, and that's fair. So, it made me think. "Do you truly love someone enough to sacrifice the freedom of promiscuous behaviors?" And for the right man, yes, I am. Do I believe that my friend is the right man? I'll cross that bridge when I get there. But I do love him, so I believe I would.

    So if this is something that you believe truly bothers him, you need to talk to him and find out what he wants. And if you two want two separate things, then a sacrifice must be made. On way or another, you will lose something you cherish. You'll make the best decision for you. And believe me baby, going without sex for a month is like going YEARS for me, okay?! I go fucking nuts. But if I can keep myself under control, so can you. And if you can't, then I regret to inform you that you're just not ready for a relationship just yet.

    When you decide to be with someone, or start a family, you must be willing to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship or the sake of the family. Period.

    I wish you the best of luck, handsome.

    Take Care,

    Dante'
     
  8. DV8

    DV8
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2006
    Messages:
    1,071
    Albums:
    5
    Likes Received:
    152
    Gender:
    Male
    And I see that you like black men after I posted! SHIT!!! This is why I should keep my mouth shut.

    I'm kidding, I meant what I said.








    But damn, I'd fuck you.







    STILL MEANT WHAT I SAID!
     
  9. CuriousFem

    CuriousFem Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2008
    Messages:
    280
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    31
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Triangle area, NC, U.S.A.
    I disagree with blacklibran1.

    It all comes down to balance. Sounds like you are doing a good job so far at balancing your interest in playing with other guys with his interest in having you to himself. In other words, you continue to put him first and to meet his needs, so there's nothing objective for him to complain about.

    Now, bear in mind, that's something you should probably check on now and then. Every so often, it's probably a good idea to make sure your bf isn't feeling neglected at all, or feeling like you are not as interested in rocking his world as you were once.

    Keep in mind the thought that although you are very communicative, your bf might not want to hear about your activities. Maybe he doesn't want to hear about them at all, or maybe just when he asks, or whatever. There's such a thing as being too communicative, I think.

    In my experience, you can make this work, and there are two keys: (1) You both have to trust each other; and (2) you have to communicate the right amount at the right time about this topic.

    I wish you luck! (And now I will look at your gallery and most likely drool with lust and wonder why I don't vacation up north....)
     
  10. hungmtl

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2011
    Messages:
    78
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    46
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    montreal
    Verified:
    Photo
    i agree with you hungryboi... but talking openly about these things is hard to do...

    when you suggest "that's something you should probably check on now and then", I did last night because he's leaving for 5 weeks in a few days... and although it went fine and everything, it's not like talking about the weather...

    things get emotional because we have differences of opinion regarding all this... me being the more liberal one and him being more conservative with these things... we are not so far apart that we can't work it out every time but all good relationships have a portion of compromise and all compromising needs energy...

    anyway, I selpt badly last night on my side of the bed and I'm feeling weird today... I'm sure we'll kiss and make out later but in the meantime I guess I need to vent a little which why I posted this thread...
     
  11. Sharpone

    Sharpone New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2008
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    East Coast USA
    I really appreciate people like you who are honest and upfront about their needs in a relationship. Most people would just sneak around and be deceptive. I applaud you for your honesty!
     
  12. moutwatern

    moutwatern New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2011
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    1
    If you are "sensing" that he is not happy with this agreement. Or at least not as happy as you are, or even just tolerating it to be with you, then it seems that you need to be as opeen and honest with him in acknowledging that this might be a trueconcern and have adiscusiion about it. Even though though this could be a deal breaker and the relationship or your needs may ahve to change. If your aresensing it its more than likely true.
     
  13. hungmtl

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2011
    Messages:
    78
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    46
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    montreal
    Verified:
    Photo
    Thanks for your comments guys! We talked about it again last night... Even discussed the fact that I wasn't exactly sure about how he felt about it. Basically like moutwatern is suggesting.

    Turns out he a lot more comfortable with the idea than I thought, he was just not sure how to say it.

    And me also had amazing make up sex afterwards! Feeling much better today!

    Still curious about how other people see this issue of open relationships tho...
     
  14. Herc1964

    Herc1964 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2011
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    1
    NIce thread guys! It’s a slippery slope...personally, I prefer monogamy although I have fantasies, I play them out on my bf whom is all I need. We talk about it as he is more of a horny toad then I and is always checking out the arrangements as looking is not cheating but I’m clear about what I need and want and state that whenever he feels the need to step out side our commitment then just communicate it to me prior to acting on it. I much prefer the honesty that you want something that I’m not giving you versus finding out that you have been on the down low and placing me at risk for emotional (heart break) and physical (SDI) harm. Different strokes for different folks....
     
  15. Maxime_

    Maxime_ New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2009
    Messages:
    283
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Europe
    Open relationships? WTF! my opinion is that if you need other guys in your life, then you don't love your boyfriend as much as you think...i could NEVER have sex with some other random boy and then look at my boyfriend's face as nothing happened. Ur an horny dog? then fuck your own ass! i really can't stand these words. Is casual sex so fundamental in your life? than LOVE CAN'T BE. No offense. I just can't get the point. People BELIEVE they love someone, but in the end they are only able to love themselves and the misterious random guy who disappears the day after....
     
  16. CuriousFem

    CuriousFem Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 19, 2008
    Messages:
    280
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    31
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Triangle area, NC, U.S.A.
    Ummmm, no. I don't buy this at all. There are a lot more people (straight, gay, and other) in open relationships than you would notice, because most people don't talk openly about it.

    The most visible people seem to be the polyamorous, simply because it's obvious when someone has more than one long-term romantic partner, especially if they all live together. But that's one end of a spectrum.

    In the middle, there are relationships in which both people may have one or more "affairs", maybe even long-lasting ones.

    Then there are people who are not comfortable with their partner (or themselves) having outside emotional attachments. These folks reportedly stick to brief affairs or one-night stands.

    Of course, there are relationships that are just barely "open" at all, where one partner may have sex outside the relationship but the other doesn't want to know about it.

    Oh, and all of these situations can apply to one partner or both. It might apply to one partner because the other has the option to do it but never does, or because the relationship involves a strong power dynamic (like master/slave).

    And NONE of these involves cheating in any way. There is no deception. Since it takes a solid and trusting primary relationship to handle the openness, I suspect there's a Whole Lotta Love to be found there, not a lack of love.

    Some people may choose to have sex only with one romantic partner, and that's their choice. Other people make different choices, and it works out just fine, thanks.
     
  17. Mephisto76

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2008
    Messages:
    53
    Albums:
    4
    Likes Received:
    13
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Switzerland
    Verified:
    Photo
    I have been 11 years with the same guy and still loving it, loving him, and having fun.
    Our first 4 or 5 years were absolutely monogamous. At first my bf did not even like to comment on a random guy walking by, etc. He felt it was disrespectful. I would tell him I felt it was more disrespectful to look at the hot guy, keep it to ourselves and then think about the guy while we were fucking later! Anyway, we started talking and sharing fantasies with other guys until one day we had a 4some with another couple who were/still are good friends of us. This opened the door to having sex with other guys now and then (always together / that is our rule). It spices things up. Usually after those encounters we are sooo horny for a while. Sometimes it is a couple of times per year, sometimes more. Two weeks ago was the last time. A cute italian guy with a huge cock who is an amazing bottom! We spent a whole afternoon fucking and had a great time. Next time we see him he said we should go rollerblading, and maybe fuck again.
    We have friends who are in a couple and have a "more open" relationship, meaning they can do things separately (These friends where one travels a lot have that arrangement). We also have friends (straight and gay) who say they are monogamous, but then again, they are not...

    Conclusion: Monogamy is not the only way, and evidence is showing it may actually be the key to longer relationships.

    Interesting read: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/29/us/29sfmetro.html?_r=1

    Good luck in starting the conversation and hopefully you find the option that is best for you both. Keep it safe and sane! :)
     
  18. Maxime_

    Maxime_ New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2009
    Messages:
    283
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Europe
     
  19. Countryguy63

    Verified Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 29, 2006
    Messages:
    14,488
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    1,445
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    near Monterey, Calif.
    Verified:
    Photo
    Isn't "cheating" synonymous with "breaking rules"?

    If the rules are that playing is allowed, either together or seperately, then no rules have been broken, hence, no cheating has occured. :smile:
     
  20. Maxime_

    Maxime_ New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2009
    Messages:
    283
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Europe
    Cheating is anytime you fuck with someone else who is not me, and you are my boyfriend...at least for me! but i may sound narrow-minded in here...
     
Draft saved Draft deleted