I'm just hitting the 1-year anniversary with my boyfriend, and I have recently discovered he is struggling with a large penis fetish. I say "struggling" because he tells me he wishes he didn't have these feelings.
We're both in our mid-to-late twenties, and have a good functioning relationship -- just pulling through a difficult time that almost ended us. After all of the seemingly unrelated issues we resolved, he dropped the bomb that he has a large penis fetish. And as I have recently discovered (ironically!), he is a gold member on this website and visits frequently.
Looking back on small things in our relationship, this explains a lot. Let me set the stage a bit - we're both very handsome guys, young, in shape, trim and desirable by most other gay men. I have a very nice penis - a true 6+ inches and 4.5-5" around (I measured with a string yesterday), and have never had concerns about my adequacy down there, until now.
I've always felt our sex life is very good - filled with a lot of emotion and intimacy, and he acknowledges this also. However, the problem I'm having is he pays little attention to ANY part of my body during sex - which usually consists of me giving him attention or one of us topping the other. My boyfriend explains his sexual drive is LOWER than most men... more like a woman he says, where emotion is very important. This has lead to us having sex every 2-3 days (sometimes longer between), even though I'm more of a once-a-day kind of guy. But everyday, especially when I'm in the other room or not at home, he spends time looking at big penises online and obsessing over them. Therefore I know his sex drive is there as much as mine, but it seems to be focused on something else. (Although, STRANGELY, he doesn't usually masturbate when looking at the porn.)
Fortunately, he swears he would never cheat on me, and I believe him at this point in our relationship, but fear what his fetish may lead to down the road.
When I try to approach him to talk about it and find understanding for myself, he becomes very defensive, feels attacked, and even lies about the constant porn surfing every chance he gets --- which is all very, very specific to close ups of massive penises. And not just any massive penis, he even tries to find this "ideal" type - it has to be straight and thick with a little foreskin and almost anatomically perfect. To take it even further, he likes it to be on a "lumberjack" kind of guy with certain body hair.
As I said before, we have a mature relationship, and I'm trying to help him become more comfortable talking to me about this obsession.
Last night I suggested we watch his porn together as a stepping stone... he reluctantly agreed. I watched his behavior closely. He was transfixed on these fantasy penises and never once looked at me. Like I've said, his attention towards my penis has become very rare. Not only have I developed an insecurity, but I'm wondering if this fetish is somehow related to "emotional and physical abuse" he's told me about before from his childhood - most of which pertain to his father. Obviously, that's a whole other discussion.
To end my story, last night after we finished jerking off together, I began to ask him more questions. He still seemed very uncomfortable but trying open up more. He said "there are several layers to this", which only deepens my concerns. He also asked me if there was something "very personal" I could share with him in trade. As much as I tried to find something, I came up with nothing. The conversation went no where.
Where does this leave me? This desire of his isn't going away - and I'm left feeling not only that I cannot physically satisfy my boyfriend, but that there may also be deeper conflicts. How to approach this with compassion and tact and not seem intrusive? Should counseling come into play? Any insight or advice is appreciated!
We're both in our mid-to-late twenties, and have a good functioning relationship -- just pulling through a difficult time that almost ended us. After all of the seemingly unrelated issues we resolved, he dropped the bomb that he has a large penis fetish. And as I have recently discovered (ironically!), he is a gold member on this website and visits frequently.
Looking back on small things in our relationship, this explains a lot. Let me set the stage a bit - we're both very handsome guys, young, in shape, trim and desirable by most other gay men. I have a very nice penis - a true 6+ inches and 4.5-5" around (I measured with a string yesterday), and have never had concerns about my adequacy down there, until now.
I've always felt our sex life is very good - filled with a lot of emotion and intimacy, and he acknowledges this also. However, the problem I'm having is he pays little attention to ANY part of my body during sex - which usually consists of me giving him attention or one of us topping the other. My boyfriend explains his sexual drive is LOWER than most men... more like a woman he says, where emotion is very important. This has lead to us having sex every 2-3 days (sometimes longer between), even though I'm more of a once-a-day kind of guy. But everyday, especially when I'm in the other room or not at home, he spends time looking at big penises online and obsessing over them. Therefore I know his sex drive is there as much as mine, but it seems to be focused on something else. (Although, STRANGELY, he doesn't usually masturbate when looking at the porn.)
Fortunately, he swears he would never cheat on me, and I believe him at this point in our relationship, but fear what his fetish may lead to down the road.
When I try to approach him to talk about it and find understanding for myself, he becomes very defensive, feels attacked, and even lies about the constant porn surfing every chance he gets --- which is all very, very specific to close ups of massive penises. And not just any massive penis, he even tries to find this "ideal" type - it has to be straight and thick with a little foreskin and almost anatomically perfect. To take it even further, he likes it to be on a "lumberjack" kind of guy with certain body hair.
As I said before, we have a mature relationship, and I'm trying to help him become more comfortable talking to me about this obsession.
Last night I suggested we watch his porn together as a stepping stone... he reluctantly agreed. I watched his behavior closely. He was transfixed on these fantasy penises and never once looked at me. Like I've said, his attention towards my penis has become very rare. Not only have I developed an insecurity, but I'm wondering if this fetish is somehow related to "emotional and physical abuse" he's told me about before from his childhood - most of which pertain to his father. Obviously, that's a whole other discussion.
To end my story, last night after we finished jerking off together, I began to ask him more questions. He still seemed very uncomfortable but trying open up more. He said "there are several layers to this", which only deepens my concerns. He also asked me if there was something "very personal" I could share with him in trade. As much as I tried to find something, I came up with nothing. The conversation went no where.
Where does this leave me? This desire of his isn't going away - and I'm left feeling not only that I cannot physically satisfy my boyfriend, but that there may also be deeper conflicts. How to approach this with compassion and tact and not seem intrusive? Should counseling come into play? Any insight or advice is appreciated!
