Gay relationship advice, please! Boyfriend has a large penis fetish...

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by younghunter, Mar 19, 2009.

  1. younghunter

    younghunter New Member

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    I'm just hitting the 1-year anniversary with my boyfriend, and I have recently discovered he is struggling with a large penis fetish. I say "struggling" because he tells me he wishes he didn't have these feelings.

    We're both in our mid-to-late twenties, and have a good functioning relationship -- just pulling through a difficult time that almost ended us. After all of the seemingly unrelated issues we resolved, he dropped the bomb that he has a large penis fetish. And as I have recently discovered (ironically!), he is a gold member on this website and visits frequently.

    Looking back on small things in our relationship, this explains a lot. Let me set the stage a bit - we're both very handsome guys, young, in shape, trim and desirable by most other gay men. I have a very nice penis - a true 6+ inches and 4.5-5" around (I measured with a string yesterday), and have never had concerns about my adequacy down there, until now.


    I've always felt our sex life is very good - filled with a lot of emotion and intimacy, and he acknowledges this also. However, the problem I'm having is he pays little attention to ANY part of my body during sex - which usually consists of me giving him attention or one of us topping the other. My boyfriend explains his sexual drive is LOWER than most men... more like a woman he says, where emotion is very important. This has lead to us having sex every 2-3 days (sometimes longer between), even though I'm more of a once-a-day kind of guy. But everyday, especially when I'm in the other room or not at home, he spends time looking at big penises online and obsessing over them. Therefore I know his sex drive is there as much as mine, but it seems to be focused on something else. (Although, STRANGELY, he doesn't usually masturbate when looking at the porn.)

    Fortunately, he swears he would never cheat on me, and I believe him at this point in our relationship, but fear what his fetish may lead to down the road.


    When I try to approach him to talk about it and find understanding for myself, he becomes very defensive, feels attacked, and even lies about the constant porn surfing every chance he gets --- which is all very, very specific to close ups of massive penises. And not just any massive penis, he even tries to find this "ideal" type - it has to be straight and thick with a little foreskin and almost anatomically perfect. To take it even further, he likes it to be on a "lumberjack" kind of guy with certain body hair.

    As I said before, we have a mature relationship, and I'm trying to help him become more comfortable talking to me about this obsession.


    Last night I suggested we watch his porn together as a stepping stone... he reluctantly agreed. I watched his behavior closely. He was transfixed on these fantasy penises and never once looked at me. Like I've said, his attention towards my penis has become very rare. Not only have I developed an insecurity, but I'm wondering if this fetish is somehow related to "emotional and physical abuse" he's told me about before from his childhood - most of which pertain to his father. Obviously, that's a whole other discussion.

    To end my story, last night after we finished jerking off together, I began to ask him more questions. He still seemed very uncomfortable but trying open up more. He said "there are several layers to this", which only deepens my concerns. He also asked me if there was something "very personal" I could share with him in trade. As much as I tried to find something, I came up with nothing. The conversation went no where.

    Where does this leave me? This desire of his isn't going away - and I'm left feeling not only that I cannot physically satisfy my boyfriend, but that there may also be deeper conflicts. How to approach this with compassion and tact and not seem intrusive? Should counseling come into play? Any insight or advice is appreciated!
     
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  2. erratic

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    Your boyfriend doesn't masturbate instead of having sex with you. He's willing to open up to you about a fetish he's clearly embarassed of. He's said he won't cheat on you, and you said nothing about disbelieving him. The major problem I see is that you're not getting as much sex as you want, and when you get it it's not really pulling your chain. My advice would be to keep sharing in his fetish, and have a good conversation about what you need to keep you happy sexually - which can include you masturbating daily if you're not going to get laid daily.
     
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  3. Stephenmass

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    I don't know if I agree with you erratic. His b/f's obsession with xtra large dicks clearly is making his b/f feel he can't measure up to perhaps what his b/f "really wants"? Or what he may think his b/f really wants? I'd be up front honest with him younghunter and let him know that this obsession of his is making you feel less than adequate; especially when the sex isn't often enough for you and he isn't paying as much attention to you.

    I know you cannot reveal who it is and I don't blame you for that. But I most certainly would feel the same as you and I would not resort to "whacking my own" when I would much rather be rocking our boats together instead of making good friends with my hand. Nothing wrong with beating off is you feel like it. But using it as a substitute when you have someone just doesn't do it for me and I don't think it would for you either.

    Give me a shout sometime if you want to. Good listener and also in a relationship of almost 5 years now.
     
  4. lewis27529

    lewis27529 Member

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    If he feels uncomfortable talking about the subject, you shouldn't push it. Wait for him to bring it up. Besides we're all human and we're always going to fantasize about other people.
     
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  5. Sugababy22

    Sugababy22 New Member

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    This is interesting. I believe this is a good example of the bad side of websites such as this. It is full of folks obsessing over "big" dicks, perhaps a few winding up in situations like yours. Hopefully he does not form unrealistic expectations of size out in the real world. I mean in the end, a big dick isn't the end all of good sex or being able to have fun with a 6 incher.

    After what I've seen on here, I see lots of overstatements and cocky minds. So if it were me, I would catch him in the act one night, just come home when he is not expecting it, walk in on it. Having thought it out and planned somewhat, I'd probably tie him to the bed and put him through a few hours of the sugar interrogation. Give him a little tickle for being bad haha. Eventually I would blow that boy so good he will sleep like a baby. And I would wake up and make him breakfast and tease him over coffee.
     
  6. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

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    Yeah, there are some beautiful wieners out there, but most are rather plain. I kind of sympathize with your boyfriend, because I like similar to what he does, but agree that the problem is that there are very few ideal bodies/penises out there, so you could spend all day looking at them online and never find one in the flesh. Especially because forums like this are frequented by gay and bisexual men, but in real life, even those are 1 in 25 or so. Foreskins on beautiful men over twenty or so are even rarer in the U.S. So all in all, it's like hunting unicorns or some other more utilitarian metaphor.
     
  7. crescendo69

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    I don't know. If someone shows little interest in what I want, as I do for them, I let them know. If they persist in being self-absorbed and ignoring my needs, I start thinking of moving on. But then again, I am alone, now, so..
     
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  8. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

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    Yeah, gays tend to stay together, especially in small towns and rural areas where there's not a lot of choices of companions.
     
  9. FuzzyKen

    FuzzyKen New Member

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    I have been in a relationship now heading past 10 years. I am a top, but there was a time in my life that size was a motivator in my choices of men. A fetish is that it is often just a fantasy and often has no basis in reality. There is nothing wrong with this fetish. There are many men who desire or are sexually turned on on the straight side by a pair of "DD" breasts. They do not however choose their partner based on their imagination.

    Your partner should in no manner be ashamed of his fetish or imagination. He chose you as the person with whom he wanted an actual relationship. His fear and mortification is based on the fact that he feels he is hurting you by thinking thoughts not based on you.

    My other half and I often make jokes. We may see a cute ass in a pair of 501's and say. "XXXX take a look at that one!" When you get married it does not mean that your mind shuts down. My other half and I laugh and say when others wonder about an observation..... "Look, we're married not dead!"

    There is no desire on either one of our parts to stray outside the relationship, but, the ability to appreciate the art value and beauty of a male body part is just a laughing part of what makes things work.

    The only time there is a problem is if the person with the imagination cannot respect the relationship. If he wants 10 inches that is what he needs to marry, yet fantasy about 10 inches creates nothing but variety in your relationship.

    Good Luck Pal
     
  10. BERTTC1

    BERTTC1 New Member

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    I can relate to your problems, I also like a man with a very large cock and my lover dose not have one. But over the years we have worked things out very well. I am a bottom and he is 99% top. I will suck, rim and jack him off anytime he wants it. In return he will use a large dildo on me. We have found that usings toys keeps us ture to each other, yet fill needs that we have. Give it a try it may help you out. Good luck, a good lover is hard to find.
     
  11. Stephenmass

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    I agree and after like you said you communicated it over and over and it still persists!!
     
  12. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

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    I like a big cock too and my boyfriend of 3 years is average at best. Actually, his 5.5" cock is a bit strange. It's fat only at the base but, like a street cone, it's narrow at the head. Anyway, he's 99% top and does a good job at it but sometimes I really fantasize about a really big cock riding me. He's also uncut and he knows I prefer cut guys. Now go figure how we stayed together 3 years. There's a lot more to life than these things!
     
  13. Bootman

    Bootman New Member

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    Mate I don't think you want to over-analyse this. He is turned on by big cock and if you love him it might help if his interest could now be built into your relationship. Approaching any (legal) fantasy as a problem is doomed to failure. Let me tell you how my partner and I worked out a similar situation. We are both over 7 so bigger than average but not huge or anything. And both of us have always been VERY into size. We got off on each other from day one but we very quickly acknowledged when we fantasised during sex about wanting really huge cock. We fantasised about a neighbour who was massive (according to at least 3 women we knew!). It has helped our relationship no end that we really worked on each other and genuinely fed the fantasy. Nothing better than telling your lover how you saw a guy pissing at a bar with a big cock at lunchtime (or better still telling him to get his arse over here to see it!). Secrets are harmful and he is channeling his desires into something he has decided he cannot share with you. Excuses are just that. Ways of trying to avoid telling you that he is turned on by big cock.

    You can keep it at fantasy level of course and if I were to give you one tip it's that involvement shouldn't be a reluctant move on your part, like out of some obligation (like women in the old days saying they'd let their husband do the dirty deed on Saturday night). Otherwise he'll rush forward to fulfil his fantasy with you hanging on in the slipstream. And then it'll probably be over and out. It's not really just his "problem".

    We met a guy who is bigger than us, a real fat 8.5, and we now meet him for threesomes from time to time and for us it has worked big time because I guess we feel ok in our relationship, we both love cock and we both have a pact to be honest about certain specific things. No rushing off for private sessions with some new monster we discover! But I DID also try this with an ex 20 years ago and that was a disaster. Anyway, avoid the amateur psychology about why he loves big cock. He just loves it. And if I can help in any way more, send me a message, as I'll also tell you why the last shot with my ex was a disaster. But I don't want to bang on about it at length here. Written enough already!!!
     
  14. Secretman

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    I actually have the same problem with my partner!!

    We have been together almost 4 years, and i hold the same anxieties as you have expressed!

    If i suggest masturbating together, he says bo its private but obviously i have developed an insecruity about this!

    I truely love him, and when we do have sex it does feel amazing..but then at the same time i do wonder i am satisfying him?

    He says that he doesnt have a high sex drive but i do find he masturbates alot when im not there! This kindda affends me. Only because it could be to whats said as i do not get satisfied perhapes!

    Im not sure what to do actually!
     
  15. keenobserver

    keenobserver Well-Known Member

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    It is a lesson too many people have to learn - the cock you have your hands on NOW is better than one that is on line and may never come along - ever. There is always a bigger one somewhere else. The b/f with the fetish needs to start focusing on what he has, and stop wondering about what he would likely never find.

    It was a bad idea to share a fetish of something that the guy you are with cannot fulfil. It is hurtful and undermines the relationship. Most of the guys I have been with were smaller than me. Saying to one, I like you it's too bad you don't have a bigger cock would never have helped the relationship, or the people involved.

    Total openness in a relationship is usually a mistake. It is like putting toothpaste back in the tube.
     
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