Gay Relationship advice - what should be done here?

[Prtl1989]

Hello everyone,

I am usually quite self sufficient and don’t need to ask for advice. I have been seeing a therapist for many years and I deal quite well with my feelings and situations.

Background: I’ve been with my partner for 6+ years together in a closed relationship. I know since years he has a Grindr profile and he has told me he has only used to get sick pics and talk to guys and a good chat. I am/was ok with that. I asked him about two to three times in the past few years whether he wanted to have an open relationship and he said he would not like to have one.
I also know he has made some sexy pics/nude which he has never sent me and he said he’s done it to send me.

A couple of weeks ago he has spent one night away in a hotel and he has updated his picles Grindr picture with his own pic and I felt weird about it.

I believe he also does a lot of sexting with guys he’s dated in the past, but I have no proof of it.

it does look like he’s been having fun with other guys, but I would not be 100% sure if he has the guts to really do it.

He is not someone who is comfortable talking about his feelings and needs, therefore asking him: “what’s this Grindr profile for? Have you been seeing somebody or would you like to?” Does bring anything as he gets nervous and say No for everything I ask him.

i know his sexual need is much higher than mine, but he can be honest to me and we can work it out. If he is seeing someone, then I would also like to have the “approval” to do it so and have some t&c for an open relationship.

what is happening at the moment is I know he has two different profiles and I check many times per day if he is online or not. He is very often online (even in the middle of the night) and it has reached a level that is not healthy for me.

i don’t know what else I could do. We agreed that we don’t have neither an open or close relationship, but an honest one where we have a safe space to talk about our feelings and needs to each other. But talking doesn’t seem like helping much here. I would also not like to confront him.

Any advice? has anyone gone thru a similar situation?

 

[Stephenmass]

I suppose what it comes down to is trust. If your gut feeling is telling you something that your rational mind doesn't want to know, your rational mind rejects it. If your gut feeling is he is telling you the truth than your rational mind has no role, trust is trust. You have to trust your gut on this. Is he gone (not counting the one night above) for periods of time often that he doesn't really account for; I mean do you know where he is? I'm in a very committed relationship but I do talk to others online, not for sex but for friendship ONLINE only and advice which is always unbiased (somewhat, unless they are trying to get into your pants). You say the lines of communication are open, but are they? If you tell him that it bothers you he should at least listen to your concerns as long as you don't accuse him of anything. You may very well have a right to be concerned. While sex after I think you said 6 years generally won't be what it was in the beginning, has it dropped off the planet? Is he taking more showers than usual? Does he ever smell of cologne he doesn't use? I think the biggest tell of all is his time away from home. Is it honest time away or is it time that can't REALLY be accounted for.

 

[integritymatters]

Hello everyone,

I am usually quite self sufficient and don’t need to ask for advice. I have been seeing a therapist for many years and I deal quite well with my feelings and situations.

Background: I’ve been with my partner for 6+ years together in a closed relationship. I know since years he has a Grindr profile and he has told me he has only used to get sick pics and talk to guys and a good chat. I am/was ok with that. I asked him about two to three times in the past few years whether he wanted to have an open relationship and he said he would not like to have one.
I also know he has made some sexy pics/nude which he has never sent me and he said he’s done it to send me.

A couple of weeks ago he has spent one night away in a hotel and he has updated his picles Grindr picture with his own pic and I felt weird about it.

I believe he also does a lot of sexting with guys he’s dated in the past, but I have no proof of it.

it does look like he’s been having fun with other guys, but I would not be 100% sure if he has the guts to really do it.

He is not someone who is comfortable talking about his feelings and needs, therefore asking him: “what’s this Grindr profile for? Have you been seeing somebody or would you like to?” Does bring anything as he gets nervous and say No for everything I ask him.

i know his sexual need is much higher than mine, but he can be honest to me and we can work it out. If he is seeing someone, then I would also like to have the “approval” to do it so and have some t&c for an open relationship.

what is happening at the moment is I know he has two different profiles and I check many times per day if he is online or not. He is very often online (even in the middle of the night) and it has reached a level that is not healthy for me.

i don’t know what else I could do. We agreed that we don’t have neither an open or close relationship, but an honest one where we have a safe space to talk about our feelings and needs to each other. But talking doesn’t seem like helping much here. I would also not like to confront him.

Any advice? has anyone gone thru a similar situation?

I went through the same thing.
The difference is, it was a long distance relationship, and I was blindsided when I found out.
He had already (falsely) accused me of cheating for several months - and confessed he had been cheating for the last 3 years with his roommate.
We'd been together for almost 5 years at that point.
At the 5 1/2 year mark, I dumped him.
I had already separated from him for 2 years (2016 to 2018) for something else, but we reconciled.

 

[Prtl1989]

I went through the same thing.
The difference is, it was a long distance relationship, and I was blindsided when I found out.
He had already (falsely) accused me of cheating for several months - and confessed he had been cheating for the last 3 years with his roommate.
We'd been together for almost 5 years at that point.
At the 5 1/2 year mark, I dumped him.
I had already separated from him for 2 years (2016 to 2018) for something else, but we reconciled.

Thank you for Sharing your experience. We live together and he works a lot (he truly does). If he pretends to go to work I don’t know and I doubt.
I don’t care is he is seeing someone e for sex only and uses protection, but I feel bad not to be told.

Do you guys now have an open relationship?

 

[integritymatters]

Thank you for Sharing your experience. We live together and he works a lot (he truly does). If he pretends to go to work I don’t know and I doubt.
I don’t care is he is seeing someone e for sex only and uses protection, but I feel bad not to be told.

Do you guys now have an open relationship?

Well, I'm happy that you know the truth now.
As for the partner I told you about, I dumped him in January 2020, after 5 1/2 years together.
There was too much cheating, abuse, gaslighting, and other things going on.
It was too much for me.
I couldn't take it anymore.

 

[Stephenmass]

My x b/f before my current one used to accuse me of things he was doing all the time. I never was doing any of it; but HE was!

 

[Prtl1989]

My x b/f before my current one used to accuse me of things he was doing all the time. I never was doing any of it; but HE was!

What do you mean?

 

[Stephenmass]

What do you mean?

He worked a lot also and at the time we were not living together. I wasn't dating or seeing anyone except him at the time. He used to accuse me of doing things like seeing others when he wasn't around, cheating on him, etc. These are things that eventually I found out HE was doing while we were apart, not me.

 

[Prtl1989]

I suppose what it comes down to is trust. If your gut feeling is telling you something that your rational mind doesn't want to know, your rational mind rejects it. If your gut feeling is he is telling you the truth then your rational mind has no role, trust is trust. You have to trust your gut on this. Is he gone (not counting the one night above) for periods of time often that he doesn't really account for; I mean do you know where he is? I'm in a very committed relationship but I do talk to others online, not for sex but for friendship ONLINE only and advice which is always unbiased (somewhat, unless they are trying to get into your pants). You say the lines of communication are open, but are they? If you tell him that it bothers you he should at least listen to your concerns as long as you don't accuse him of anything. You may very well have a right to be concerned. While sex after I think you said 6 years generally won't be what it was in the beginning, has it dropped off the planet? Is he taking more showers than usual? Does he ever smell of cologne he doesn't use? I think the biggest tell of all is his time away from home. Is it honest time away or is it time that can't REALLY be accounted

I suppose what it comes down to is trust. If your gut feeling is telling you something that your rational mind doesn't want to know, your rational mind rejects it. If your gut feeling is he is telling you the truth than your rational mind has no role, trust is trust. You have to trust your gut on this. Is he gone (not counting the one night above) for periods of time often that he doesn't really account for; I mean do you know where he is? I'm in a very committed relationship but I do talk to others online, not for sex but for friendship ONLINE only and advice which is always unbiased (somewhat, unless they are trying to get into your pants). You say the lines of communication are open, but are they? If you tell him that it bothers you he should at least listen to your concerns as long as you don't accuse him of anything. You may very well have a right to be concerned. While sex after I think you said 6 years generally won't be what it was in the beginning, has it dropped off the planet? Is he taking more showers than usual? Does he ever smell of cologne he doesn't use? I think the biggest tell of all is his time away from home. Is it honest time away or is it time that can't REALLY be accounted for.

Thank you for sharing your experience.
His job does require him to sleep away a few nights per month. My previous job required me to sleep away around 2 nights per week. Much could’ve happened there.

yeah sex is not as it used to be in terms of frequency… i do think opening up could be benefitial in terms of sex between the two of us.

I think I am very open to communicate, but this time I have not as it seems not to be very effective.

he doesn’t come home with other Cologne or sth… he’s quite smart and would do it right if that’s the case. He does masturbate a lot and so do I so long showers is a thing.

 

[Stephenmass]

Sorry, I didn't realize you meant my first post to you as well. On days or nights he is away, does he come home and have sex with you or does he opt for a shower and sleep. If it's the second one, and it's happening frequently, sometimes it could mean he's already been satisfied before he came home. Of course, if your relationship is open and it's understood it's ok to do that, all is well. But if it isn't, it is a "tell" if he seems more distanced than usual from you. It's hard to put into words. The old adage actions speak louder than words. If he isn't having sex with you as often as your six year relationship was before, I'd be suspect etc. Do you guys have any understandings or whatever when one is on the road? Etc. Is your relationship open "at times", etc.

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

in my opinion a guy i am with can show pics of his dick balls ass and asshole- to 1000 menbut as long as he isnt with them then its ok--cheating to me is when to people are in a relationship and one of those people goes out suckes gets sucked and fucks someone else that isnt me--then thats cheating----to me him showing pics is showing those other guys what they cant have--but thats what i think cheating is

 

[Brodie888]

If it's got to the point where you are pretty certain but you have no proof, my suggestion would be to create a fake profile with fake nude pics. Stop somewhere after you've left the house or on your way home and activate the account and start a chat with him and see how far he will go.

If you plan on doing it over a few days, make sure you log out so your fake profile isn't at zero proximity when you get home!

If you have someone you really trust, you can get them to do it but I personally wouldn't want to involve someone else.

Basically, you want to get to the point where he agrees to meet your fake profile at a hotel somewhere near by. When he turns up there, he'll have no excuse. Otherwise he'll just say "it was just fantasy, I wasn't really going to go through with it".

 

[AllDixNeedLuv69]

the main thing also is--if you dont think you can trust them then why be with them--

 

[deleted18388141]

I find it weird! Talk directly to him about this

 

[Bricked]

When I asked my man who was he doing behind my back he lied, which I knew he would initially. When he decided to play with my intelligence, I told him how I knew and the story changed completely. Bottom line, he doesn’t have those profiles for anything other than what he’s using them for which you’ve said you’re ok with. He doesn’t want to share his, but he’ll let you share yours and cares enough to not let you see any more than he thinks you can handle. My advice is for you to have a fulfilling relationship, and you define what’s fulfilling for you. Infidelity will teach you a lot about yourself, and the person that cheated on you.

 

[Prtl1989]

When I asked my man who was he doing behind my back he lied, which I knew he would initially. When he decided to play with my intelligence, I told him how I knew and the story changed completely. Bottom line, he doesn’t have those profiles for anything other than what he’s using them for which you’ve said you’re ok with. He doesn’t want to share his, but he’ll let you share yours and cares enough to not let you see any more than he thinks you can handle. My advice is for you to have a fulfilling relationship, and you define what’s fulfilling for you. Infidelity will teach you a lot about yourself, and the person that cheated on you.

Thx.
Yeah, the Problem Here is that he doesn’t talk. Everytime I was online to check whether he was online I would see he was visiting my profile from his multiple accounts. I deleted the account I had and he might be thinking I’ve blocked him or something. Not knowing whether he’s using or not is so relieving. If he’s fucking around it’s his loss because I could also join him. If he is not, he is not. Thing is I am relieved to have deleted it. If he is cheating on me, once I find out I delete it. If he is not, he is not. I will focus on something else now.
I don’t believe in monogamy. I don’t do anything, but if it happens in the future … it happens

 

[Ahhh Ha]

Make him communicate. After 6+ years together, you guys should be discussing almost anything unless ur partner has checked out.

 

[Joguy07]

If it's got to the point where you are pretty certain but you have no proof, my suggestion would be to create a fake profile with fake nude pics. Stop somewhere after you've left the house or on your way home and activate the account and start a chat with him and see how far he will go.

If you plan on doing it over a few days, make sure you log out so your fake profile isn't at zero proximity when you get home!

If you have someone you really trust, you can get them to do it but I personally wouldn't want to involve someone else.

Basically, you want to get to the point where he agrees to meet your fake profile at a hotel somewhere near by. When he turns up there, he'll have no excuse. Otherwise he'll just say "it was just fantasy, I wasn't really going to go through with it".

If you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain!… I actually did this approach some years ago via Grindr and Craigslist to put my mind at rest and confidently do what had to be done without wondering if I was wrong. The initial guilt of doing such a thing was hard for me but I eventually realized the signs were worth the risk and if I was wrong, at least I would know. Although I was deeply hurt by the truth, I gained tremendous strength to face what I was afraid of. It was the ultimate “ESCAPE” to a better life. No regrets.

 

[Brodie888]

If you like pina coladas, and getting caught in the rain!… I actually did this approach some years ago via Grindr and Craigslist to put my mind at rest and confidently do what had to be done without wondering if I was wrong. The initial guilt of doing such a thing was hard for me but I eventually realized the signs were worth the risk and if I was wrong, at least I would know. Although I was deeply hurt by the truth, I gained tremendous strength to face what I was afraid of. It was the ultimate “ESCAPE” to a better life. No regrets.

The best liars are excellent at gas lighting. They take advantage of the fact you don't want it to be true.

They don't need to prove that they are innocent. They just need to confuse you enough to make you give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

[malepstars]

My husband is also pretty closed off when it comes to talking about his feelings, particularly things he doesn't want to admit, like being attracted to other men or sexual interests that I might not be fulfilling. It's like an emotional battle to get him to open up, but that is what has ultimately saved our marriage and kept us together for 15 years.

I empathize with your situation as someone in a monogamous relationship who has been cheated on several times. From reading your story, it sounds like the two of you need to have a conversation about the rules of your relationship. I have friends in open relationships and no two are exactly the same, they each have their own boundaries and level of comfort. I've adapted that same approach to a monogamous relationships. For example, porn is okay for us (sounds like it is for you since you're here), but sexting with others is not. Some things I recommend discussing with your boyfriend are:

- Is using dating apps/profiles okay?
- Is sending/sharing nude pics okay?
- Is there anything I'm not doing sexually that you want me to do? (and vice versa)

Regarding the hotel business, my husband sometimes needs to just shut down. He gets emotionally drained by work and social experiences and finds temporary isolation to be restorative. Another question to ask is what he gets out of these nights in hotel away.

I hope some of this helps. I'm rooting for you two.