Gay relationship advice

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by litguy6, Aug 30, 2010.

  1. litguy6

    litguy6 New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 17, 2009
    Messages:
    3
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Pretoria
    So, my bf and I (gay guys) have been going out for 8yrs. About 4 or 5 yrs ago the sex really died off. It was right at the time that he started working particularly hard. And after long discussions it turns out that stress really kills his libido.

    I tried to be very understanding and not push for sex too often. This seemed to work for a while, but then I realised that when we were doing it he wasn't really enjoying it. He was just doing it to please me. After getting very upset with him about it and talking about it, not much changed. I understood where he was coming from. So I backed off even more.

    I thought if we didn't have sex at all then he would be more likely to get horny and want it when we do. That seemed to work for a while, but then I also got busy with work. Between the two of us being busy and not talking about it again it sometimes ends up being 3 or 4 months between sex.

    The sex is really great when we do do it, but I would like to do it a lot more, and not feel that I am asking him to do something he doesn't want to when I do ask for it.

    I worried that talking to him again won't have much more effect than the previous times we have spoken about it.

    Please can I have some advice on what to do?
     
  2. DV8

    DV8
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2006
    Messages:
    1,071
    Albums:
    5
    Likes Received:
    152
    Gender:
    Male

    I just want to start off saying that I'm sorry that you're having this issue, and I'm glad to hear that you've been together for so long- that's wonderful! Congratulations to you two!

    I want to let you know that since you've been together, you both have gotten a little bit older, and the stresses of life can definitely kick the ass of your libidos- both of you, and it sucks. I would definitely advise that you two make and take more time to yourselves- no cell phones, no tv, no internet, and spend quality time with one another- watch your favorite movie, have a romantic dinner, WORK IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE DISCUSSED DURING DINNER! Make plans for a nice vacation. Allow yourselves to get those butterflies in your stomach that you once had for each other.

    The sex often dies in a lot of relationships, and people complain about that, but you very rarely ever hear those people discuss the romance in their relationships? Is there passion between you two that's hot and heavy? or is it like you two are roommates who only love and sleep with each other.

    And if he's in his 30's or 40's, I would suggest having him get his testosterone levels checked as well. Many men don't know this, but we all go through Andropause- I'm familiar with this, because I was diagnosed with it 2 years ago. Our bodies produce less and less testosterone. And there are different ways of treating it, so it's not the end of world.

    I hope I'm helpful!

    Take Care,

    Dante'
     
  3. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    7,317
    Likes Received:
    8


    You need couples counseling. I know that's easy to type and not easy to actually do but it's true.

    I wont offer you any more advice than that because it's your relationship, and only a qualified professional could hope to try to understand what's going on for you and your BF. My advice and likely anyone else's advice in this thread if it's more detailed than "get counseling" is likely to be speculative and will lack the kind of factual base needed to be able to be really helpful.

    I hope things work out for you, try not to feel too bad about this, it's extremely common in LTRs, and lots of couples work through it.
     
    #3 D_Tim McGnaw, Aug 30, 2010
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2010
  4. nudeyorker

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 6, 2006
    Messages:
    42,918
    Likes Received:
    36
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    NYC/Honolulu
    One of the key things you said that raised a red flag for me was.. After getting very upset with him about it and talking about it, not much changed.
    I think the best advice I can give you is to talk in a neutral setting with no distractions. Both of you need to be able to express your feelings without either of you becoming defensive.
    This topic keeps coming up for discussion here at LPSG and in real life and I always say; in a healthy relationship you have sex. If there are underlying issues such as stress or a medical condition or infidelity you need to look at all the possibilities and consider all of the solutions that will best suit both of your needs.
    Good Luck.
     
  5. Bbucko

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2006
    Messages:
    7,413
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sunny SoFla
    Though I'm not necessarily suggesting it, I will say that your story is why so many relationships open up after 4-5 years; however, that's not gonna be a solution for you guys until you get the communication thing down, and right now you don't.

    Poor communication skills + opening a relationship = nasty breakup: guaranteed.
     
  6. FuzzyKen

    FuzzyKen New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 10, 2006
    Messages:
    2,116
    Likes Received:
    6
    Gender:
    Male


    Right now, it is very difficult to make judgement calls for many of us. I have been in my relationship for well over a decade now, and like everybody else, we are suffering with the economy, and more recently with the diagnosis of cancer in our "adopted" nephew.

    Stress is one of the biggest killers of things between the sheets known and often a contributor to the dissolution of relationships. From the beginning my sex drive was tuned higher than that of my partner. In more recent times this has been complicated by the fact that I am now on testosterone replacement. That also boosted my sex drive a wee bit more.

    My life-partner is eleven years younger than I, and as with many, right now he is growing to hate his job, grow angry over increased costs in living while he does not see the merit raises he used to. This is again a contributor to his stress levels.

    When you consider your lack of activity between the sheets, start looking for other causes in his life. Depression, medications, stress, dissatisfaction with his job, problems with members of his family, and all the rest.

    I relate to this well because in the past six months my sex time has diminished a great deal and there is a part of me that really intensely resents this.

    If your partner is unresponsive, it may not be hiding anything or in any way your own fault or his. What it could be is a situation where he himself cannot understand or figure out what the problem really is.

    As males, we are intensely protective of things that could be attributed to our masculinity, or any thought that it may be diminishing in some way. Bedroom performance or performances or lack of them is a very defensive subject for some men, and, they simply become embarrassed or hurt in some way at the mere mention of even the subject. This comes from guilt.

    I don't know your respective ages, but, this can also be the result of medical issues that are undiagnosed or untreated. Things that affect libido can include depression, blood sugar, blood pressure, bradycardia, to mention a few.

    Common medications can also play a role. Most blood pressure drugs, anti-depressants, allergy medications, corticosteroids, proscar, avodart, propecia (the hair loss med) anti-hypertensives, and even accutane the acne medication can play havoc with sex drive.

    The main thing is to make him as comfortable as is possible and make certain that he understands that you are concerned that there may be an underlying health issue when you discuss this. That might get him to open up more and talk with you.
     
  7. Stephenmass

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 24, 2008
    Messages:
    1,886
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    73
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Boston
    All of the above advice is good....I especially like what's above my post here.
     
  8. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2007
    Messages:
    2,874
    Likes Received:
    42
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Atlanta GA
    My BF and I have a 30 year age difference. I'm 54 and he's 24. At the beginning - 4 years ago - the sex life was great. Of course, my job was going full blast and I didn't have a care in the world. Two years later comes the crash and things came to a halt. What I thought was my savings started getting eaten up by the day to day expenses. He contributed very little as he was still in school and worked part time for me. We talked one day about him contributing a little more to help out and he flat out refused saying that he needed the little money he received (FROM ME!). He lived 100% free in my place. He drove my car. I paid for holidays - he saved his money. Our sex life went out the window. I always had a high sex drive and he doesn't. Then things really changed and even the WAY we had sex got weird. He only wanted to do it doggy style (I'm bottom). He refused to do missionary, refused to kiss me, refused to cuddle. Then I found out he was seeing someone else - although he claimed it was all innocent and never went past a one night JO session. Now he wants back in after living on his own for 6 months - AND spending his own money on rent, etc. We've gone back to spending weekends together but the sex still sucks. I'm really really temped to go out for sex because it's just so lousy. I've had better more passionate sex with total strangers! What do you do when you care for someone but the physical aspects aren't there?

    I think the idea of couples counseling is the best here and I think this is something I'll suggest to my so called ex. We'll see where it goes.
     
  9. D_Melvern Nutter

    D_Melvern Nutter New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2010
    Messages:
    1,314
    Likes Received:
    8
    I think the age difference is too big. He (your boyfriend) is so young & ur both in different stages of your lives.
    & from what i'm reading, i think he's just using you..
     
  10. B_subgirrl

    B_subgirrl New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2010
    Messages:
    9,873
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    NSW, Australia
    I agree (although not necessarily because of the age difference).
     
  11. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2007
    Messages:
    2,874
    Likes Received:
    42
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Atlanta GA
    Yeah. I've heard this before from other people and it absolutely makes sense but then he goes out of his way to do things for me that is not necessary. I went to the US for a wedding in June and got a message that he bought a ticket and was on his way! I picked him up and we spent two weeks together and had a great time. - no sex however because we were staying with my brother or cousin or at a friends as we moved around. That was a pleasant surprise but still, even now, we're very close, good friends, get along well, travel very well together but physically it's a "dead zone" for him. He claims he doesn't have a sex drive!
     
  12. D_Melvern Nutter

    D_Melvern Nutter New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 8, 2010
    Messages:
    1,314
    Likes Received:
    8
    Ok. That was sweet of him to do.
    Did he missed a "father-figure" in his life? He could see you as that & a good friend, rather than his boyfriend. Or he may have a low sex drive after all..
     
  13. zpacifico

    zpacifico New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2009
    Messages:
    277
    Likes Received:
    29
    The age difference, was what got the two of you together in the first place. There must be some emotive connection after so many years of being together. But, him being as youg as he is does bring some challenges for both of you. The relationships are about two individuals and how far are they willing to go in diplomacy, which usualy is fine as long as there is some benefit. You needed to rely on him at certain stage, he did rely on you before, but might have taken it for granted. He might be impulsive and that is very romantic but do not fool youself with those episodes. It takes two afterall. Sexwise, well sex drive comes and goes but both of you can do something about it. Talk to him, I am sure you are very good at that. Good luck! :)
     
  14. erratic

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2007
    Messages:
    4,410
    Likes Received:
    287
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canada
    OP, the advice you're getting is great and I'm sure most people can relate to your story. One thing for you guys to consider, though, is where your priorities lie. At a certain point we have to decide what comes first, and sometimes that means making compromises with other parts of your life.

    You guys are clearly committed to each other. You're also clearly committed to your jobs. This means your sex life has gone out the window.

    In the greater narrative of Western culture today we like to tell each other that there are things you can do that will affect the simple math of a situation like yours. Things outside of the equation. A couples counsellor will help you work on communication and set priorities. Great ideas. A vacation will give you that temporary boost - a reminder of what your relationship was like before other things took priority. Wonderful. But those bits of compensation, and anything else you guys can think of - won't change the fact that you've chosen what comes first in your lives.

    Now, we all have to work. We all have to make ends meet. I'm not denying this. I know it takes a lot of time, and often a lot of stress. And, clearly, your situation has changed from when you first got together. But (correct me if I'm wrong) there was a time when you would make time for each other, wasn't there? There was a time when you would say forget x, y or z, it's time for us. Wasn't there?

    I used to work at a job that was so awful, so scary that I ended up with all kinds of anxiety problems. I went to see a psychiatrist who tried to treat the anxiety with all kinds of therapies, thought records, and so on, but it wouldn't go away. He blamed me and sent me to a "lower level" counsellor when I refused medication. Turns out, unlike him, she was actually competent. Instead of counselling she helped me get a new job. She told me that no amount of medication or therapy would change my life. I had to do it.

    I'm not saying you quit your jobs (god knows it took me a long time to quit mine). I don't know your lives as well as you do, and I don't know what it takes you to keep food on the table. Maybe you just need to schedule two nights a week where you go on dates and leave your cell phones and computers off. But whatever you do you have to make change, and you have to do it for each other. Anything else is just a band aid.
     
  15. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2006
    Messages:
    11,908
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Northumberland
    There's been a lot of good advice in this thread but some of your terminology rang alarm bells with me. I've highlighted those bits above. I've been with my partner over 23 years and neither of us has ever asked for sex. Both of us have instigated it in many subtle and not so subtle ways but never asked for it. We're both late forties and healthy apart from the fact my SO takes BP meds. They can have a negative effect at certain times of day but we both know that and take it into account.

    Your problem is probably a combination of issues and I think Hilaire's suggestion of relationship counselling is sound advice.

    Oh and I just remembered that I did ask once. I once asked him if he wanted 2 paracetemol. He replied that he didn't have a headache to which I replied "any chance of a fuck then" :biggrin1:
     
Draft saved Draft deleted