Gay Relationship Advice

GWW

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I wouldn’t normally post about something like this but I have gone through an awful end to a relationship that I haven’t been able to process or rationalise.

I had a four month relationship that has just ended pretty badly on his part and it’s left me with many unanswered questions.

We are both gay and out and started dating over the summer, it was very romantic at the start dates to the park him cooking dinner for me. Within the first month I had a suspicion that he was on Grindr as he was not replying to me whilst he was away visiting family, I searched the location he was in and found his profile. I pulled him up on it and he had complete denial at first accused me of calling him a whore then blocked me on everything.

At this point I messaged him from my work phone to say it was worth talking about as I know it can be a big change going from the gay dating scene to one man and we eventually patched things up and committed to each other. I would also like to point out he blamed him being on Grindr on me as he thought I was just another guy fucking around which I had given him no indication of.

Everything was great from there and he treated me nicely for my birthday, always stayed at my place, told his family and friends about me.

I introduced him to one of my female friends a couple of weeks ago we had a good night and later that night in bed I told him I was falling in love with him, albeit I was a bit drunk and might not have been the right moment. I then told him again the next morning just so he knew it wasn’t a drunk throwaway comment. That day he was acting cold towards me and I haven’t seen him since he left my place that day.

I received a message the next day saying he needs to clear his head and he’s upset and overwhelmed. 24 hours after that I got a message dumping me with the explanation that he told me he wanted to take things slowly, it wasn’t the right time to say I loved him and that he felt suffocated and how he needed to take things slowly due to his past of being cheated on 4 years ago. I sent back messages to say we should talk about in person rather than over message and how this wasn’t a reason to panic and also made a video of our memories together.

I have received nothing back from him since, seen him on Grindr two days after he dumped me and he’s since proceeded to block me on everything.

The acceptance it is over has began in my head but is there any advice people can give from similar experiences to rationalise why this has happened and help understand his mindset. We are both a bit older for the gay world close to 30 so I really felt that something substantial rather than countless dates and Grindr meets in a big city was what we both wanted as he had told me so all of this has come as a shock to the system and I find it so cruel to be completely ghosted after 4 months of a relationship where there were no built up issues or arguments.
 

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Sorry but he sounds like an evasive wussy asshole. I know the type. You were his entire world and then he suddenly scraped you off like poop on his shoe.

You may have been more used than you think.

There are decent gay men who want long term relationships out there, especially older men, just not that guy.

Also he is liar and you can’t trust him.

Sorry for your pain. It will get better.
 

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I've found this to be a fairly common experience in my dating career. I have a very hard time believing guys aren't talking to other lads behind my back. Not cos I believe all guys are arseholes but there is a large proportion that seem to have few morals. Thaat said I ddonnt know of any of my exs actually cheating. I was fairly lucky like that.

I found guys run a mile when you mention the L word particularly those under 30. As long as its a bit of fun it's ok. The moment it gets heavy they scarper.

Guys are actually really hard work. I never understood it. Good luck. It's not easy. Esp when there are so many apps promoting fuck and go.
 

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As he's said so little really, it's hard for us to provide any insight. I think many gay couples struggle with knowing commitment levels.

When I first met my partner we had an amazing long weekend together, but for various reasons I wasn't sure if I would even see him again, so I did meet up with a guy I had been speaking with before we met. He was quite hurt by this as he's basically been mostly single since his long term girlfriend had cheated on him.

Gay men tend to develop a certain level of distance to protect themselves from being too hurt by rejection or failure of relationships. When they meet someone special and they start letting down their guard they can feel vulnerable. If this was the motivation for him being on grindr while he was away, then that would fit with this same pattern of behaviour - reverting to type. Casual sex can be used as substitute for the intimacy we all crave, but comes without the risk of being hurt as the terms of engagement are very clear
 

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Sorry but he sounds like an evasive wussy asshole. I know the type. You were his entire world and then he suddenly scraped you off like poop on his shoe.

You may have been more used than you think.

There are decent gay men who want long term relationships out there, especially older men, just not that guy.

Also he is liar and you can’t trust him.

Sorry for your pain. It will get better.

Thanks it has been a pretty awful couple of weeks and left me questioning everything about myself. You meet loads of guys and finally find one who seems good and he just runs away.

I think the feeling of pain and emptiness I’m feeling at the moment is the worst as I’m struggling to work or even speak to others close to me. Probably the first time in my life I’ve considered getting therapy to help get through this.
 

GWW

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I've found this to be a fairly common experience in my dating career. I have a very hard time believing guys aren't talking to other lads behind my back. Not cos I believe all guys are arseholes but there is a large proportion that seem to have few morals. Thaat said I ddonnt know of any of my exs actually cheating. I was fairly lucky like that.

I found guys run a mile when you mention the L word particularly those under 30. As long as its a bit of fun it's ok. The moment it gets heavy they scarper.

Guys are actually really hard work. I never understood it. Good luck. It's not easy. Esp when there are so many apps promoting fuck and go.

Thanks. Yeah I guess I messed up with the falling in love comment but I guess I would have been lying to myself if I didn’t express my true feelings and it’s probably better to find out now than 2 years into a relationship.

Have noticed he’s actually read my response messages yesterday after 12 days yet appears to have blocked me again after they were read. It is really odd behavior and has left me baffled.
 

GWW

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As he's said so little really, it's hard for us to provide any insight. I think many gay couples struggle with knowing commitment levels.

When I first met my partner we had an amazing long weekend together, but for various reasons I wasn't sure if I would even see him again, so I did meet up with a guy I had been speaking with before we met. He was quite hurt by this as he's basically been mostly single since his long term girlfriend had cheated on him.

Gay men tend to develop a certain level of distance to protect themselves from being too hurt by rejection or failure of relationships. When they meet someone special and they start letting down their guard they can feel vulnerable. If this was the motivation for him being on grindr while he was away, then that would fit with this same pattern of behaviour - reverting to type. Casual sex can be used as substitute for the intimacy we all crave, but comes without the risk of being hurt as the terms of engagement are very clear

Yeah I understand what you are saying thanks.

It is really disappointing as he has been really hurt in the past and was probably scared of being hurt again the irony being I was fully committed and he’s now hurt me like he’s been hurt in the past reverting to behavior he said previously destroyed him.

Gay relationships really are hard.
 
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Jaden90

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I wouldn’t normally post about something like this but I have gone through an awful end to a relationship that I haven’t been able to process or rationalise.

I had a four month relationship that has just ended pretty badly on his part and it’s left me with many unanswered questions.

We are both gay and out and started dating over the summer, it was very romantic at the start dates to the park him cooking dinner for me. Within the first month I had a suspicion that he was on Grindr as he was not replying to me whilst he was away visiting family, I searched the location he was in and found his profile. I pulled him up on it and he had complete denial at first accused me of calling him a whore then blocked me on everything.

At this point I messaged him from my work phone to say it was worth talking about as I know it can be a big change going from the gay dating scene to one man and we eventually patched things up and committed to each other. I would also like to point out he blamed him being on Grindr on me as he thought I was just another guy fucking around which I had given him no indication of.

Everything was great from there and he treated me nicely for my birthday, always stayed at my place, told his family and friends about me.

I introduced him to one of my female friends a couple of weeks ago we had a good night and later that night in bed I told him I was falling in love with him, albeit I was a bit drunk and might not have been the right moment. I then told him again the next morning just so he knew it wasn’t a drunk throwaway comment. That day he was acting cold towards me and I haven’t seen him since he left my place that day.

I received a message the next day saying he needs to clear his head and he’s upset and overwhelmed. 24 hours after that I got a message dumping me with the explanation that he told me he wanted to take things slowly, it wasn’t the right time to say I loved him and that he felt suffocated and how he needed to take things slowly due to his past of being cheated on 4 years ago. I sent back messages to say we should talk about in person rather than over message and how this wasn’t a reason to panic and also made a video of our memories together.

I have received nothing back from him since, seen him on Grindr two days after he dumped me and he’s since proceeded to block me on everything.

The acceptance it is over has began in my head but is there any advice people can give from similar experiences to rationalise why this has happened and help understand his mindset. We are both a bit older for the gay world close to 30 so I really felt that something substantial rather than countless dates and Grindr meets in a big city was what we both wanted as he had told me so all of this has come as a shock to the system and I find it so cruel to be completely ghosted after 4 months of a relationship where there were no built up issues or arguments.

So first off, I don't think you've been treated fairly at all and I'm really sorry you've had to go through this.

It does sound like he wasn't fully invested and when it got more serious it concerned him that he was losing his options especially after you found out he was still on the apps.

My experience is quite different to most gay men that I speak to because I met my now husband whilst I was at school so I didn't have to do the dating/Grindr/app scene at all. The Grindr/dating app culture sort of baffles me a little bit, but I realise I'm saying that with a certain amount of privilege. With some of my friends it does seem like it's almost "normal" to remain active on those apps despite being involved with someone or at least seeing them on a regular basis. And I wouldn't say it's always about keeping options open.

I don't necessarily agree that this is a problem exclusive to gay guys though. There are so many straight guys I know where their girlfriends actually get them to deactivate their Instagram's or Snapchat's (which is a whole other thing on trust and commitment) on the basis that they may still interact with other women despite being partnered. With the use of dating and social media apps, it's so easy to reach out to people we might be attracted to and you may find yourself chatting to them even if you aren't particularly interested in cheating on your partner. Part of me thinks that the unconscious habit of checking Grindr etc. and interacting with people is more difficult to switch off from than people like to admit.

It's especially shitty because no matter what issues he has gone through in his previous relationship which has lead to this outcome, his behaviour will likely impact the trust you place in any future potential partners.

Sounds like the memories video maybe wasn't the best thing to send him at that moment but I can understand how you'd want to make it clear how much he and the time you've had together means to you.

I think over anything you deserve more of an explanation. Maybe he does just need a bit of time to understand that he wants from a relationship and being more communicative with you could certainly help you understand how you could move forward together, if at all. To shut you out completely like that is just very difficult to understand and my heart goes out to you.
 

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So first off, I don't think you've been treated fairly at all and I'm really sorry you've had to go through this.

It does sound like he wasn't fully invested and when it got more serious it concerned him that he was losing his options especially after you found out he was still on the apps.

My experience is quite different to most gay men that I speak to because I met my now husband whilst I was at school so I didn't have to do the dating/Grindr/app scene at all. The Grindr/dating app culture sort of baffles me a little bit, but I realise I'm saying that with a certain amount of privilege. With some of my friends it does seem like it's almost "normal" to remain active on those apps despite being involved with someone or at least seeing them on a regular basis. And I wouldn't say it's always about keeping options open.

I don't necessarily agree that this is a problem exclusive to gay guys though. There are so many straight guys I know where their girlfriends actually get them to deactivate their Instagram's or Snapchat's (which is a whole other thing on trust and commitment) on the basis that they may still interact with other women despite being partnered. With the use of dating and social media apps, it's so easy to reach out to people we might be attracted to and you may find yourself chatting to them even if you aren't particularly interested in cheating on your partner. Part of me thinks that the unconscious habit of checking Grindr etc. and interacting with people is more difficult to switch off from than people like to admit.

It's especially shitty because no matter what issues he has gone through in his previous relationship which has lead to this outcome, his behaviour will likely impact the trust you place in any future potential partners.

Sounds like the memories video maybe wasn't the best thing to send him at that moment but I can understand how you'd want to make it clear how much he and the time you've had together means to you.

I think over anything you deserve more of an explanation. Maybe he does just need a bit of time to understand that he wants from a relationship and being more communicative with you could certainly help you understand how you could move forward together, if at all. To shut you out completely like that is just very difficult to understand and my heart goes out to you.

Thanks for the message.

Yeah it’s been a really difficult time and dealing with the shock more than anything. Going from introducing him to my friend and having him cook dinner for us on a Thursday to being dumped on a Saturday has just been a lot to process and the nature of being completely cut off.

Interestingly enough the message with the video I sent him was read yesterday with two blue ticks on what’s app so seems odd he’s not unblocked me but read the message. I had optimism that he would be taking time to process but given it’s been two weeks now perhaps not.

I think what you have said probably rings true he realised it was getting serious and panicked he would no longer have options hence going back on Grindr two days later. It is really sad though as I’ve dated a lot and we got on perfectly so it has just been a really cruel ending even a phone call or speaking face to face to end it would have been better than a message followed by silence.

Good that you found your husband early on it’s difficult dating these days.
 

Jaden90

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Thanks for the message.

Yeah it’s been a really difficult time and dealing with the shock more than anything. Going from introducing him to my friend and having him cook dinner for us on a Thursday to being dumped on a Saturday has just been a lot to process and the nature of being completely cut off.

Interestingly enough the message with the video I sent him was read yesterday with two blue ticks on what’s app so seems odd he’s not unblocked me but read the message. I had optimism that he would be taking time to process but given it’s been two weeks now perhaps not.

I think what you have said probably rings true he realised it was getting serious and panicked he would no longer have options hence going back on Grindr two days later. It is really sad though as I’ve dated a lot and we got on perfectly so it has just been a really cruel ending even a phone call or speaking face to face to end it would have been better than a message followed by silence.

Good that you found your husband early on it’s difficult dating these days.

No problem pal and yeah I'm acutely aware of how unusual my situation is haha. Got my fingers crossed for you that you'll find the right one soon.

If you need a chat ever don't be afraid to reach out.
 
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Dating is hard. It's a meeting of two sets of expectations, wrapped up in individuals who may have vastly differing tastes in just about everything, coupled with a huge dose of situations that may or may not be conducive to a healthy relationship.

The one thing I am going to caution you on is expecting to get an answer in this, or any online forum. The issue with getting an answer as to why things did or didn't work the way they did or didn't, is that we, the audience, only have your half of the story. Any bias you bring will affect our views.

That being said, based on what you have posted I can say that it is obvious that what you expected, and what he expected were two different things.

Here are some things that jumped out at me:

"Within the first month, I had a suspicion that he was on Grindr as he was not replying to me whilst he was away visiting family, I searched the location he was in and found his profile. I pulled him up on it and he had complete denial at first accused me of calling him a whore then blocked me on everything."

So, had you set clear boundaries that you two were a monogamous couple and not seeing other people? Remember, dating is not a clear cut and dry situation. Sometimes people 'date' but still see other people. Sometimes people leave themselves an 'out.' Now, if you had both had a long conversation about boundaries, and this type of situation had happened, then I totally understand your wanting to bring it up to him. I don't know in what manner the conversation went, but his reaction based on what I can see of your description was a little over the top. If that's the case, why did you stay with him? In my mind, that's a bit of a red flag.


Second topic based on after you said you love him while drunk, and the next morning:

"I received a message the next day saying he needs to clear his head and he’s upset and overwhelmed. 24 hours after that I got a message dumping me with the explanation that he told me he wanted to take things slowly."

This would be red flag number two. I don't think it was a good idea to say "I love you" while drunk, and I can understand that you may have felt embarrassed about it and tried to explain everything the next day. I will say that 'love can't be rushed' but also that 'if you love someone, tell them.' In my mind, this plays out that you moved too fast for him. I would not put the blame on you, or on him, but on how the situation. Saying 'I love you' when drunk isn't the best. Trying to do 'damage control' the next morning was probably the right thing to do, but if he's not reacting well to the comment? Yeah.

In the end, I don't think he was ready for a relationship, still isn't, and that you should cut your losses and move on. Do make sure that you communicate to anyone that you are dating/hooking up with exactly what your expectations are on the first day.

With my husband, I ended up stating that I wanted to date exclusively about a week after hooking up, and we did. Over time our relationship has evolved through many phases and we have adjusted with and to each other's needs. Relationships take a lot of communication. Someone who clams up quickly or is overly defensive and into talking about a situation is probably someone who is not ready for a relationship. I think you did things well based on what you said, but I would also examine what was said. Did you lead him on in any way? Did you set expectations appropriately? If so, then I think you should cut your losses and move on. If not, next time do so and chalk this up to a learning experience.

Plenty of other guys out there!
 

chrisrobin

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I wouldn’t normally post about something like this but I have gone through an awful end to a relationship that I haven’t been able to process or rationalise.

I had a four month relationship that has just ended pretty badly on his part and it’s left me with many unanswered questions.

We are both gay and out and started dating over the summer, it was very romantic at the start dates to the park him cooking dinner for me. Within the first month I had a suspicion that he was on Grindr as he was not replying to me whilst he was away visiting family, I searched the location he was in and found his profile. I pulled him up on it and he had complete denial at first accused me of calling him a whore then blocked me on everything.

At this point I messaged him from my work phone to say it was worth talking about as I know it can be a big change going from the gay dating scene to one man and we eventually patched things up and committed to each other. I would also like to point out he blamed him being on Grindr on me as he thought I was just another guy fucking around which I had given him no indication of.

Everything was great from there and he treated me nicely for my birthday, always stayed at my place, told his family and friends about me.

I introduced him to one of my female friends a couple of weeks ago we had a good night and later that night in bed I told him I was falling in love with him, albeit I was a bit drunk and might not have been the right moment. I then told him again the next morning just so he knew it wasn’t a drunk throwaway comment. That day he was acting cold towards me and I haven’t seen him since he left my place that day.

I received a message the next day saying he needs to clear his head and he’s upset and overwhelmed. 24 hours after that I got a message dumping me with the explanation that he told me he wanted to take things slowly, it wasn’t the right time to say I loved him and that he felt suffocated and how he needed to take things slowly due to his past of being cheated on 4 years ago. I sent back messages to say we should talk about in person rather than over message and how this wasn’t a reason to panic and also made a video of our memories together.

I have received nothing back from him since, seen him on Grindr two days after he dumped me and he’s since proceeded to block me on everything.

The acceptance it is over has began in my head but is there any advice people can give from similar experiences to rationalise why this has happened and help understand his mindset. We are both a bit older for the gay world close to 30 so I really felt that something substantial rather than countless dates and Grindr meets in a big city was what we both wanted as he had told me so all of this has come as a shock to the system and I find it so cruel to be completely ghosted after 4 months of a relationship where there were no built up issues or arguments.
suspicions of him being a whore are probably right, wants more sex with more guys. The fact he blamed you for him using the dating app speaks volumes.
My ex stayed for years, I always new when as he'd take it out on me in some way or other and wouldn't take the blame for falling on the next big cock.
Better off now than down the line, nothing worse than waiting for you guy to call and all the time have suspicions.
 

GWW

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Dating is hard. It's a meeting of two sets of expectations, wrapped up in individuals who may have vastly differing tastes in just about everything, coupled with a huge dose of situations that may or may not be conducive to a healthy relationship.

The one thing I am going to caution you on is expecting to get an answer in this, or any online forum. The issue with getting an answer as to why things did or didn't work the way they did or didn't, is that we, the audience, only have your half of the story. Any bias you bring will affect our views.

That being said, based on what you have posted I can say that it is obvious that what you expected, and what he expected were two different things.

Here are some things that jumped out at me:

"Within the first month, I had a suspicion that he was on Grindr as he was not replying to me whilst he was away visiting family, I searched the location he was in and found his profile. I pulled him up on it and he had complete denial at first accused me of calling him a whore then blocked me on everything."

So, had you set clear boundaries that you two were a monogamous couple and not seeing other people? Remember, dating is not a clear cut and dry situation. Sometimes people 'date' but still see other people. Sometimes people leave themselves an 'out.' Now, if you had both had a long conversation about boundaries, and this type of situation had happened, then I totally understand your wanting to bring it up to him. I don't know in what manner the conversation went, but his reaction based on what I can see of your description was a little over the top. If that's the case, why did you stay with him? In my mind, that's a bit of a red flag.


Second topic based on after you said you love him while drunk, and the next morning:

"I received a message the next day saying he needs to clear his head and he’s upset and overwhelmed. 24 hours after that I got a message dumping me with the explanation that he told me he wanted to take things slowly."

This would be red flag number two. I don't think it was a good idea to say "I love you" while drunk, and I can understand that you may have felt embarrassed about it and tried to explain everything the next day. I will say that 'love can't be rushed' but also that 'if you love someone, tell them.' In my mind, this plays out that you moved too fast for him. I would not put the blame on you, or on him, but on how the situation. Saying 'I love you' when drunk isn't the best. Trying to do 'damage control' the next morning was probably the right thing to do, but if he's not reacting well to the comment? Yeah.

In the end, I don't think he was ready for a relationship, still isn't, and that you should cut your losses and move on. Do make sure that you communicate to anyone that you are dating/hooking up with exactly what your expectations are on the first day.

With my husband, I ended up stating that I wanted to date exclusively about a week after hooking up, and we did. Over time our relationship has evolved through many phases and we have adjusted with and to each other's needs. Relationships take a lot of communication. Someone who clams up quickly or is overly defensive and into talking about a situation is probably someone who is not ready for a relationship. I think you did things well based on what you said, but I would also examine what was said. Did you lead him on in any way? Did you set expectations appropriately? If so, then I think you should cut your losses and move on. If not, next time do so and chalk this up to a learning experience.

Plenty of other guys out there!

Thanks for the response. I’m not fully looking for answers as I know it’s impossible for anyone on here to give something accurate without knowing us or hearing two sides. I was mainly was posting on here as an outlet because I have had a really rough time the past couple of weeks.

In terms of point 1, I had said within a couple of weeks of dating I had deleted Grindr and was ready to only see him, he had agreed. I had a gut feeling after a month something was off so re downloaded Grindr to check if he was on and he was. At this point you are right it was a red flag but I had strong feelings for him and was ready to discuss and show I was committed. He went through the over reaction of blocking etc when I brought it up but then came round and agreed he was looking for something substantial and not random hook ups.

Everything was great for the few months after he told his family and friends about me, treated me well on my bday and said he hoped it was the first of many and also discussed future travel plans.

I guess the I love you part on my end wasn’t great timing but I was just happy really that all of the above had happened and said by him giving me a nice feeling and the signals he was giving me above was that he was looking for a long term relationship.

The shock to the system is really how abruptly it ended and and he did say it was moving too fast in his explanation but I guess the difficult part for me has been the dumped over message, no face to face conversation or phone call and then complete ignoring of my response that reassured him I wasn’t looking for him to say it back, rush him into anything and that I was just happy. I guess you expect someone you have been dating for awhile to show more compassion.

I suppose the lesson I’ve learned from this is just to not say the love word drunk, but the punishment I’ve faced for saying that feels like I’ve done something a lot worse.
 
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EquusAZ

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Gotcha, and thanks for the clarification / update. To me it sounds like he was not ready for any kind of LTR. I heard a great phrase on Bojack (Netflix show) that sums up 'red flags.'

"You know, when you look at the world through rose-colored glasses all the red flags just look like flags."

Its a sobering reality that when we go into relationships, a lot of times we do so, not blindly, but with expectations that things are going to work out. We tend to gloss over what actually are warning signs, and after a while, we get used to them. The problem with this is that it's a great way to end up in an abusive relationship. When I was younger I was in an abusive relationship. Not physically, no. I had been trained to look for those kinds of things growing up. Emotional abuse can be much worse than any kind of physical abuse because while physical abuse hurts our body, emotional abuse hurts our soul.

I'm not saying don't expect a train wreck at every turn, and to see every sign as something that is a warning sign. No, that makes for a different kind of issue. I think, overall, you handled things well. From what you state, you set expectations, and when you confronted him with your issues, you were able to come to a resolution, however, it seems he wasn't ready to be an adult.

I suppose the lesson I’ve learned from this is just to not say the love word drunk, but the punishment I’ve faced for saying that feels like I’ve done something a lot worse.

I wouldn't be so quick to say its punishment. From what you've said, to me, it looks like he realized how 'deep' he was in the relationship with you, panicked, and jumped out. Was it nice? No. He handled it poorly. I've been in his shoes, and I had to get out of situations that went faster than they should have, but in my case, I had very honest and frank conversations. "Hey, I appreciate that you love me, but I'm not there yet. It looks like he was 'dabbling in the relationship pool' and didn't realize it was tied to 'relationship rapids.' All relationships are, even the casual ones. It's possible someone WILL fall for you, and you need to be prepared for that when dating, and not wuss out as he did.

Instead of seeing this as you being punished, take it for what it should be. A quick and dirty break to something that obviously would have resulted in a bad relationship. Did it hurt? Yes, but Good riddance to bad rubbish!
 

51arledge

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Gotcha, and thanks for the clarification / update. To me it sounds like he was not ready for any kind of LTR. I heard a great phrase on Bojack (Netflix show) that sums up 'red flags.'

"You know, when you look at the world through rose-colored glasses all the red flags just look like flags."

Its a sobering reality that when we go into relationships, a lot of times we do so, not blindly, but with expectations that things are going to work out. We tend to gloss over what actually are warning signs, and after a while, we get used to them. The problem with this is that it's a great way to end up in an abusive relationship. When I was younger I was in an abusive relationship. Not physically, no. I had been trained to look for those kinds of things growing up. Emotional abuse can be much worse than any kind of physical abuse because while physical abuse hurts our body, emotional abuse hurts our soul.

I'm not saying don't expect a train wreck at every turn, and to see every sign as something that is a warning sign. No, that makes for a different kind of issue. I think, overall, you handled things well. From what you state, you set expectations, and when you confronted him with your issues, you were able to come to a resolution, however, it seems he wasn't ready to be an adult.



I wouldn't be so quick to say its punishment. From what you've said, to me, it looks like he realized how 'deep' he was in the relationship with you, panicked, and jumped out. Was it nice? No. He handled it poorly. I've been in his shoes, and I had to get out of situations that went faster than they should have, but in my case, I had very honest and frank conversations. "Hey, I appreciate that you love me, but I'm not there yet. It looks like he was 'dabbling in the relationship pool' and didn't realize it was tied to 'relationship rapids.' All relationships are, even the casual ones. It's possible someone WILL fall for you, and you need to be prepared for that when dating, and not wuss out as he did.

Instead of seeing this as you being punished, take it for what it should be. A quick and dirty break to something that obviously would have resulted in a bad relationship. Did it hurt? Yes, but Good riddance to bad rubbish!

There's so much good thought in this reply.
I especially like the Bojack quote!

I had a somewhat similar experience but it was with a fuck buddy. I asked several times for a discussion about boundaries and definitions, but he was never willing to talk. I knew it would be a "limited time" situation because he was going to move, but I had some unrealistic expectations around open communication and availability.
I was ghosted at first, and then had an awful awakening to how my behaviors, his unwillingness to talk honestly, and my expectations were all colliding. My blood pressure spiked abruptly and was quite elevated for weeks.
I went into therapy quickly after this happened. And then after a cooling off period of several months, I tried to start a conversation about what happened. This was a very bad idea, but it had, I thought, the potential to be healing. He was still unwilling to engage in a real conversation. He said, "that's a good idea, I would like that..." But he couldn't find a convenient time in a 3 month period.
 
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Stephenmass

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I wouldn't be so hard on yourself about the I love you part. If he was in a committed relationship with you, but not ready for the I love you comment, all he had to say was to slow down, I'm not ready for that yet, especially if he liked you. To me, it wasn't your words, but he used your words as a way of getting out of a relationship that me may have intended leaving anyway. On Grindr, etc., and even blaming you for that. Save your love for someone that deserves it. Someone that won't use your words "when it's convenient" for him to look for anything other than blaming or wanting to get out himself. He's a coward in my opinion. You may be luckier than you realize that you found this out early. If someone I was "with" a few months said what you did to me, I'd be flattered. But at the same time, if I wasn't ready for being IN LOVE yet but I enjoyed being with you, I'd simply say slow down. I have a feeling he was moving away from you long before you may have realized it and found a way to blame you for ending it. Let it go. He's a coward.
 

stustu

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Lots of good replies. I would add that everyone gay or straight is on their own life's journey and this
makes everyone different and react to comments and questions differently. On LPSG, there have
been countless comments about "communicating" and I think it is the number one thing to consider.
Sharing your thoughts directly at different levels and different times is important.

Most people are not ready to hear "I love you" after a few weeks, some not ready after a few months.
Dating is a time to check each other out. Don't get serious so fast - the courtship is an important
and wonderful experience. Learn everything you can, share things, LISTEN.

There are great people out there. Study and give thought to where you meet people. Mix it up.
Take a class. Join a club. Ask good friends if they know someone. Have a smile on your face.
Make someone think, wow he's so cute and friendly, be approachable. Read some self-help
books on relationships. Have an open mind.

When you stop being laser focused on a boyfriend or life partner .... he will be in front of you ready to love you.
Treasure your journey. Love & Hugs. Stustu
 

EquusAZ

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Lots of good replies. I would add that everyone gay or straight is on their own life's journey and this
makes everyone different and react to comments and questions differently.

I would like to add one final comment here. Something everyone seems to forget is that there really is no difference between gay or straight relationships. People are the same at their core whether it be gay or straight. There is little difference between gay or straight relationships. They may seem different because of the sexual identity of the individuals involved, but at the core both parties are human, and humans are fallible.

Like @Stephenmass said, don't be so hard on yourself over jumping the gun and saying ILY so quickly. Your heart was ready, and he wasn't ready to hear it. That's fine, but he didn't handle it properly! I'm sorry he treated you badly after that and handled it poorly. Best of luck to you!
 

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Thanks. Yeah I guess I messed up with the falling in love comment but I guess I would have been lying to myself if I didn’t express my true feelings and it’s probably better to find out now than 2 years into a relationship.

Have noticed he’s actually read my response messages yesterday after 12 days yet appears to have blocked me again after they were read. It is really odd behavior and has left me baffled.

I will be brutally honest:

He wasn't that much into you.

Thats it. There is no behaviors to dissect. You didnt do anything wrong. You should always be true to your heart. Dont change. Dont loose hope. Keep looking. There is someone out there for you. This, I guarantee you.