I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now, and I just found out that he fantasizes about other men, some that are everyday people, and some celebrities. He argues that it is normal and simply human nature. I worry that it is a red flag that I do not satisfy him, sexually, or that he is unhappy with me. what do you think?
Fantasies are healthy and normal. There's a frequent saying, "Just because I'm married doesn't mean I'm dead," usually used by guys to defend themselves when they're caught looking or fantasizing about others. The only time it should be a red flag is if it takes over the relationship between the two of you.
It may help to remind yourself that he's
your boyfriend. He's decided to be with you, not the other guys he's looking at.
All of use are insecure in relationships at one point or another and when it doesn't pass, it can frequently be a sign of another unresolved underlying issue. Be careful of jealousy because unless the underlying issues are addressed, it can destroy the relationship.
Do you not ever fantasize about other people and what have you and your boyfriend decided about monogamy? Has he actually hinted that he'd like to play outside the relationship? How do you feel about him?
More importantly, how do you feel about yourself? Prolonged jealousy in one partner can mean you're feeling insecure about the relationship itself. What, other than the fantasies, might indicate that? Do you worry that you're not what he wants? Has he said or done anything to cause you to worry?
Take some time out by yourself, while alone, and run through your feelings about the relationship and yourself. Take a piece of paper, make two columns and write down in one column what you feel about yourself. It can be anything at all. Make note of the things you like and dislike about yourself and those strengths and weaknesses you and those who know you, think you possess. Do the same thing in the other column only in that one only write down what you yourself think about your boyfriend. What are his strengths and weaknesses? What do you think of when think of him?
Then compare the two columns and see how the two of you fit together. Look at yourself and him and see if you can find anything that's causing this worry. Share your results here if you like.