gay relationship advice

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by atph1984, May 10, 2008.

  1. atph1984

    atph1984 New Member

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    I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now, and I just found out that he fantasizes about other men, some that are everyday people, and some celebrities. He argues that it is normal and simply human nature. I worry that it is a red flag that I do not satisfy him, sexually, or that he is unhappy with me. what do you think?
     
  2. cajun boy 8x6

    cajun boy 8x6 Member

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    the next post will be from the expert............you know who..........so well hear his wisdom on the matter
     
  3. marleyisalegend

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    men naturally enjoy variety in their life, at extremes, this is where infideilty comes into play, but in normal doses its normal, healthy behavior. by "design", humans aren't meant to be monogamous, otherwise we wouldn't be attarcted to other people once we've found a partner. this DOES NOT AT ALL mean he's not attracted to you especially if it never goes beyond fantasy. it may mean he's not satisfied, but it very well may not. the best you can do is make sure YOU are doing all you can to satisfy him (and he should be doing the same for you) and then you'll have less to worry about. talk to him as well, ask him if he's satisfied with every aspect of the relationship. never hurts to ask, and understanding is the key to a progressive relationship. especially being the one year mark, the initial lust you guys felt of "ooh, who's this new guy in my life" is becoming routine, you see each other often if not everyday, so naturally there's a decline in level of excitement, but that doesn't mean it's not there. this period is often pivotal in relationships and will probably give you a better understanding of the dynamic of long term relationships.
     
  4. cajun boy 8x6

    cajun boy 8x6 Member

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    Ta dahhh!!! i am a psychic today...............ALF............Ha I Kill Me
     
  5. marleyisalegend

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    you're clever too. your powers of saying something and nothing at all are second to none. so far there are 3 responses in this thread, one attempting to answer the question, give support and advice, two that are directed towards someone else who isn't even the focal point of the thread.


    ANYWAYS, now that the tomfoolery has been addressed, back to the topic THAT MATTERS. atph, i went through the same exact thing, i'm currently 22 with hormones raging like a river and my boyfriend is 30 so sex to him is becoming a bit less exciting just because he's been doing it much longer our libidos don't match evenly so feel free to PM me if you wanna talk about this further.
     
  6. ausmaxx

    ausmaxx Member

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    Okay, firstly Cajun... I think what you said was funny. We really can lighten up once and a while and laugh, even when the topic is seious. On ya Cajun!

    By this, I mean no disrespect, its just okay to laugh.

    The primary point to hand, your boyfriend has fantasies. You have his heart. Show him you can be one of his fantasies. In the flesh.

    If it is trust you are assessing, consider he has opened up to you on this topic. There is significant measure in that gesture.

    I reckon, trust him.
     
  7. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Fantasies are healthy and normal. There's a frequent saying, "Just because I'm married doesn't mean I'm dead," usually used by guys to defend themselves when they're caught looking or fantasizing about others. The only time it should be a red flag is if it takes over the relationship between the two of you.

    It may help to remind yourself that he's your boyfriend. He's decided to be with you, not the other guys he's looking at.

    All of use are insecure in relationships at one point or another and when it doesn't pass, it can frequently be a sign of another unresolved underlying issue. Be careful of jealousy because unless the underlying issues are addressed, it can destroy the relationship.

    Do you not ever fantasize about other people and what have you and your boyfriend decided about monogamy? Has he actually hinted that he'd like to play outside the relationship? How do you feel about him?

    More importantly, how do you feel about yourself? Prolonged jealousy in one partner can mean you're feeling insecure about the relationship itself. What, other than the fantasies, might indicate that? Do you worry that you're not what he wants? Has he said or done anything to cause you to worry?

    Take some time out by yourself, while alone, and run through your feelings about the relationship and yourself. Take a piece of paper, make two columns and write down in one column what you feel about yourself. It can be anything at all. Make note of the things you like and dislike about yourself and those strengths and weaknesses you and those who know you, think you possess. Do the same thing in the other column only in that one only write down what you yourself think about your boyfriend. What are his strengths and weaknesses? What do you think of when think of him?

    Then compare the two columns and see how the two of you fit together. Look at yourself and him and see if you can find anything that's causing this worry. Share your results here if you like.
     
  8. B_retracted

    B_retracted New Member

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    How is what your boyfriend is doing any different to any kind of relationship (homosexual or otherwise)? Are you trying to bullshit us and say that you've never fantasized when you've seen a hot guy walked by? Don't make me laugh. Everyone fantasizes. It only becomes a problem when they choose to act on it. If you're going to get this bent out of shape just because your boyfriend fantasizes about guys he's never gonna meet much less lay a hand on then you're not cut out for relationships, kiddo. Leave it to the pros.
     
  9. Stephenmass

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    As a gay guy myself, I can only say haven't you and your partner ever seen a hot guy walk by or in a magazine or something and you both say, man "he is fuckin hot!!".... In the back of your mind, or your b/f's, even if for a brief second, you may say to yourself, man I'd love to have him naked! Normal guy, perfectly normal.
     
  10. DC_DEEP

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    I think you should relax.

    Honestly, fantasizing is natural, normal, and usually harmless.

    Are you telling us you never have fantasies? Actually, that's the red-flag.

    It sounds like you are struggling to make your relationship be everything that you think everyone else thinks it should be, rather than just letting it be the best relationship for the two of you.

    Yeah, that's a bit awkwardly worded, but read it a couple of times. You've been told all your life that when you find "the one," nothing else will ever tempt you, because "the one" fulfills every need/want/desire. That's not the real world, that's a Harlequin Romance.

    Even if you are on a diet, you can still look at the menu (or in some cases, even have a sample.) Just don't eat the whole cake.
     
  11. Lex

    Lex
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    What DC and jason_els said.
     
  12. HyperHulk

    HyperHulk New Member

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    That was hysterical and perfect.

    Ok, I'm with the others on this. You need to leave the fantasies to be fantasies. My ex used to drive me nuts because I would mention if I thought someone was attractive or something. The ex would compare anyone I mentioned with himself and conclude that I really wanted to be with someone else. I would reply, if I did, I wouldn't be with you. Just because you get in a relationship doesn't mean your brain dies--ok, sometimes it does.:tongue:

    Those fights my ex caused, along with other silly arguments, did push me away from him. There was too much drama for drama's sake and I found myself defending myself over innocent things. It was more about my ex's insecurity than what was going on with me. So, in effect, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    Focus on real issues and challenges with your bf. Leave the imaginary ones in imagination land where they belong. Manage your own insecurity and ask yourself, what is really threatening me in this relationship? Otherwise you may end up pushing him away.
     
  13. cajun boy 8x6

    cajun boy 8x6 Member

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    apparently didnt notice it was addressed to him. hes as easy to read as a Dr Seuss book!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  14. cajun boy 8x6

    cajun boy 8x6 Member

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    gotta love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
     
  15. marleyisalegend

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    i realized who it was addressed to, my primary concern was the topic at hand, not somebody who uses fred durst in an avatar. seriously dude, was avril lavigne unavailable:tongue:
     
  16. arktrucker

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    My partner and I are approaching our 24th anniversary and believe me, fantasizing about someone else is normal.

    Now words of advice. Do not let 'little' things drive a wedge between you two. There is nothing that will come between you quicker than the 'thought' of your man 'thinking' about someone else. Jealousy is like cancer in a gay relationship and it will grow and kill the love you have.
     
  17. goodwood

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    Cajun - you are an oracle. A prophet. LOL! That was hilarious.

    Everyone else's advice on the matter at hand is right on.
     
  18. marleyisalegend

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    cajun you're SO FUNNY and SO HILARIOUS, bend over so i can kiss your ass some more, please, i wanna see how far up there my lips can fit!!!!
     
  19. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    actually, dude, it was funny! :lmao:

    (you know I mean no disrespect, at all!)
     
  20. marleyisalegend

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    i know, it's my history with cajun that sent the humor flying over my head. but at the end of the day, i responded to the OP with advice, cajun was more focused on me. i wonder if he has some undercover amorous feelings for me......
     
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