[Gay Relationship Help]

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by marwan80, Apr 20, 2007.

  1. marwan80

    marwan80 New Member

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    Hi everyone,

    This is my first post. Let me first make a brief introduction; I'm a 21 years old guy who is now in a 5 months gay relationship with a 23 years old.

    Meeting my partner and falling in love with him was such an interesting event. I have had only straight relationships before, and I never expected that I would fall in love with a guy. I met him early December through a friend, and on new year's eve 2006 we met just to say hello and head to different new year's parties, but ended up staying together and I had my first kiss with a guy! Which was really cool.

    Love wise, we are just so happy together, we cannot possibly see what could stop us from loving each other; in other words, we are so much in love.

    I am very happy in my relationship, and I know my partner is happy with me as well, and sex was not a priority in our relationship as long as we have each other.

    Sex wise, he describes himself as top, and if I am to engage into that level of sexual experience, I would describe myself as top as well. However, when we are intimate together, I do not get satisfaction from him. He, on the other hand, told me repeatedly that he never felt so much intense feeling before; and really enjoys it.

    Last night, I told him how I feel about us getting intimate. His reaction was very much shown in his facial gestures: the big smile quickly turned into a feeling of guilt and remorse. When I asked him not to get mad, and told him that I really love him, he simply replied: "I love you too" and said that he doesn't wish to talk about it. It was just me trying to get him happy again with him being so silent.

    This morning, he called me saying that he doesn't really feel talking about what happened last night and preferred to postpone that.

    My question is, did I do something wrong? Some of you reading may feel that I am making things better than they may appear, but I really feel that I would love to spend the rest of my life with this guy (I know! It is too soon to say this, but I really feel so). My partner also told me that same thing.

    Any advices in my case from any members?


    Marwan (BTW, not my realy name)
     
  2. fratpack

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    Not sure what exactly you are trying to say here. Is it that when you top him, it is all fireworks and when he tops you it is all fizzle....?

    Sex is only part of a relationship. If true love is there, things will work out. It may sound simplistic but trust me, love is very powerful.

    Hang in there and keep the conversation going with him.
     
  3. D_Roland_D_Hay

    D_Roland_D_Hay Account Disabled

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    Sex with two tops can be very fulfilling. Perhaps the conversation should focus on what fulfills you and what you are looking for. I have had relationships with fantastic looking people, but the sex at the beginning was lousy. Open communication can either make the sex better or make you realize that this isn't the person for you.

    Good luck to you. Sex is one part of the relationship...open communication is really important for any relationship to work.
     
  4. crescendo69

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    Communication is the most important factor in a relationship; I hope you can find a way to get him to talk about the sexual side. Just be sure to assure him that you do love him and want to be with him for a long time.
     
  5. DC_DEEP

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    I couldn't have said it better, rico27.
     
  6. D_Roland_D_Hay

    D_Roland_D_Hay Account Disabled

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    Thanks...I think I may have taken some of that from Oprah :)
     
  7. smoothrnb

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    I totally agree...rico27 got it right!
     
  8. bstexas

    bstexas Member

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    rico27, my sentiments exactly. are we all on the same wavelength or are we just too lazy to think of other things? lol. seriouslly, I do agree. You like this guy (and it's turning into love). And u were smart to communicate with him. Non-communication kills so many relationships for multiple reasons ... people do not want to hurt the other person; people are too scared to "say the words" because thye feel it will kill what they have, etc. You are doing the right thing. Also, you guys DO need to find out what makes u happy, what turrns you on and then what tto do. So you are both tops .. does that mean you ONLY fuk? What about foreplay? What about all the kissing, huggin, holding, chewing, licking etc. etc. etc. Along with what fratpack was saying .. what is the problem? U top him and ur not happy or he tops u and ur not happy? Did I miss it or which one of those is it? Do keep communicating. U NEED to. As much as ur partner doesn't want to. Maybe he's never been with a person that communicates. Maybe that is a strange concept for hin. Maybe he's always pleased people and this is confusing and hurtful to him. However, if you cannot comunicate what it is that bothers you (to him) and discover a way to improve, this relationship will not make it. But keep trying.
     
  9. headbang8

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    Marwan,

    All gay sex is, to some degree, improvisation. You just need to improvise more creatively. Or maybe, sensitively.

    My boy and I are both tops. He claims to be versatile, but I simply can't stomach being fucked, so I don't often ask him to reciprocate. Actual fucking (each other) is only a small part of our sexual repertoire.

    We discussed it, with no reproach to each other, simply stating that we had a sexual problem to work out. It demands very little compromise on his part, and mine, to get our rocks off. Mind you, we're both in our forties, so we probably shake our rocks less frequently than you do. The rewards of the relationship more than compensate for sexual inconveniences.

    I'm a little more worried, though, that he clammed up when you raised the subject. Bad sign, relationship-wise. (Even though it may be a typical male reaction to such things)

    I assume that you raised the subject sensitively and without reproach. Or maybe you didn't?

    "I love you, but you don't satisfy me sexually..." The moment love comes with a "but", it really ain't love. I suspect that's what your partner read into the discussion.

    Here's what I suspect. Without intending to, you might have made YOUR sexual frustration into HIS problem. At least he perceives it that way. That's why he felt guilty, probably. It' not MY problem, nor YOUR problem, it's OUR problem. (Or opportunity, if one applies a little imagination)

    What would need to happen in bed for your sexual needs to be met?
     
  10. marwan80

    marwan80 New Member

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    Thanks everyone for being so helpful in this. Let me elaborate more on the problem; he has topped me - twice. I on the other hand, did not get the chance to top him; he has explained to me that in all his previous relationships, he has always been strict top. I feel that he doesn't really see that I am sacrificing a littile bit for the relationship as well. In my case, I have never had gay relationships before, and this is my first one. Yet, I let him top me... The whole question of whether we satisfy each other was raised by him: he said how he really feels happy with me (in a sexual sense) and I started my conversation asking him how he used to "satisfy" his previous partners. He explained to me that him being a top was enough for them, and they pretty much loved it!

    Apparently, I have been the only guy he actually dates for pure love. He has been approaching guys before and falling in "love" with them based on what they are: top or bottom. He has told me more than several times that he does not need sex to stay with me; and explained to me that he wishes to stay with me as long as lives (he is romantic ;) ).

    Well, I phoned him post my first post; and he told me that he would like to rather discuss this topic in a physical context: us sitting together, and not on the phone. I agree with him, and I think here bstexas I can relate what you are saying, may be we can see what we are both doing to each other and see how we are turned on.

    Thanksheadbang8 for explaining to me to look at this as "our" problem, and not just see myself having this.
     
  11. Industrialsize

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    and sex with 2 bottoms can be equally fulfilling
     
  12. deepdick

    deepdick New Member

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    My 2 cents among the all the other fine advice we've seen here.

    I think there's a couple of things going on here. One, adjusting sexual roles - in a physical way of course, not going to discuss dom/submissive stuff as email just doesn't give me a sense of what is going on there. You are a better judge. (I've always felt that for me, those roles don't make sense in loving relationships anyway - take turns)

    And two, his reluctance to discuss - that's really the hard one. It sounds like he took your initial comments as critisism perhaps. "I don't want to talk about this." is a hurtle you both will have to get by. The subject obviously raises issues with him that he is not comfortable with. What are those and how can you make him feel comfortable discussing them. They may not be sexual at all. He may feel judged and this remind him of other situations when he was. He may feel inadequate and that reminds him of self doubt, etc.

    It may boil down to, as I mentioned earlier, adjusting to different sexual roles that offer the "new" bottom a challenge due to the difference in stimulation that role provides. I found myself in a similar situation a couple of years ago. Ran into an amazing guy that I found out had liked me since he knew me and we found each other single so started a friendship that was also sexual. He was much more experienced than I, having the sort of personality and body that would turn anyone's head, and it was the first time I had bottomed in about 30 years. Yes, I had tried it a few times when I started out (three) but it didn't do anything for me.

    Well, I tried again and discovered the pleasures of bottoming and we took turns as it appeared we both enjoyed each position. My point is that it may be a good idea for you both to explore both positions and give it a bit of time and caring. New stimulae will take the brain a bit to get used to.

    What happened with the boyfriend? Well, we are still best friends though we have both found others that we have been with for a couple of years now and we've both very happy. But he has occassionally let me know that he wants to blow me. :) Haven't decided what to do about that yet. GOD we had hot sex.

    Good luck to you both. I would give a higher priority to the communication issue than the sex but don't push, invite a discussion and assign no blame or judgement.
     
  13. D_Roland_D_Hay

    D_Roland_D_Hay Account Disabled

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    I guess what Industrialsize and I are saying that is doesn't have to be a strict top/bottom situation...although sex with 2 tops and 2 bottoms could be fantastic :smile:
     
  14. Beanie

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    hpw does 2 tops and 2 bottem sex work extactally if you want full sex?
    Sorry if this sounds noob-ish but im still a virgin and im only 18 :( single tho guys ;)
     
  15. SteveHd

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    Beanie, I think Rico27 was implying a foursome.
     
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