Gay relationship questions

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by G.man, Jul 29, 2007.

  1. G.man

    G.man Member

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    Hello all,
    Having never been to a gay wedding, or seen gay men dancing together in a formal situation, i have a few questions about the situations that must arrise. These questions have popped up in my head a few times, and although they don't stop me from sleeping at night, i thought i might look for some answers here. Any answers will be much appreciated.

    1) When gay men get married, do they have seperate stag nights? how do they divide up their friends? Do they have them on the same night, forcing their friends to make a decision of loyalty, or do they stagger them, so that it's the same group going each night?

    2) Again, at Gay weddings (or other parties - not necisarily gay). Being Scottish ceilidh dancing is important to me. I always feel that the party after the cerimony is the REAL wedding, when the two families come together, and taking the first dance is a big deal. I always feel bad for non-Scots, because a ceilidh is such a good thing for getting everyone up dancing, and mingling. Back to my point - how do you decide who leads? I don't just mean with ceilidh's, I'm sure there must be a point where you have to dedcide who leads which ever kind of formal (or semi-formal) dancing is involved. Is it whoever usually goes 'top' that leads int he dance? Or is it decided on height? Or do you take turns? Or in the case of semi-formal-no-steps-to-follow dances, is it a constant struggle of dominace like a vertical arm wrestle (i know this can happen when dancing with my straight female friends - when will they learn to just be lead?)?

    3) Does anyone walk up the isle at a gay wedding? How do you choose who does it, and who's waiting at the top of the isle? Or if the church has more than one isle, do you both go down different isles at different times?

    I'm sure i'll come up with more questons at a later date, but if anyone can help me with these ones, that'd be great.

    Thanks

    G
     
  2. HotBulge

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    Lowells talk to Cabots, Cabots talk to God
    Well, would you ask the same question if it were a traditional m/f couple? Members in any couple have times when they see friends individually and times when they see people together as a couple. It's just a matter of negotiation of time. I would imagine that former ex'es have to be careful with their visitation, though.

    IT will be purely personality based, I'm sure. I would imagine that by the time a gay wedding emerges, the couple will have already figured that out. Presumably, they went dancing before they became a couple.

    More explicity, gay weddings are already a break from tradition, and therefore it's encumbant upon the couple to forge their own "rules" and traditions as a couple.

    There's no hard and fast rule. Sometimes there's a dual procession where both people walk up the isle. At other times, both are present at the alter already
     
  3. Kenyth

    Kenyth New Member

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    Good question...

    I have been to a few gay weddings, and I was engaged to a Scottish guy until we broke up earlier this year, so when I was supposingly planning my wedding, a lot of these questions popped up as well.

    The thing is, a lot of these traditions and wedding culture is unique and based on heterosexual relationships. I think the best thing about being gay is that we also have our own unque culture, and we can have our own 'unique' traditions as our culture continues to evolve.

    Legalised gay marriage is still in its infant stage, its very exciting, and gay couples can now create their own rules and customs as to how the wedding should go (Just like what straight people did thousands of years ago)

    We are unlucky to have started to late, but at the same time, Im lucky to be in a generation where we might set the trend for gay weddings in the years to come. Maybe in another 200-300 years, the way I have my wedding is just how every gay couple have theirs :D

    Straight weddings are cool, but I think same sex weddings can be so awesome and unique, both partner is equal, they can do everything equally in a wedding.

    I have been to a beautiful lesbian wedding where everything was synchronized, they have two aisles where both families walk down in a synchronized fashion and join at the end to hold hands (its so symbolic) Also they have synchronized dancing, kinda like what they do in romeo & juliet, you know heaps of people twirling around in a circle, clapping hands etc, no one have to lead or follow etc.

    Culture and traditions are a piece of living art, they continue to evolve and adapt as different people with different cultures unit. So its real exciting how you can just really make your own rules or used existing ones and adapt it to suit your needs :D
     
  4. G.man

    G.man Member

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    Cheers for the response.

    To clarify the first question, about stag nights. I didn't mean it to cause offense. But in hetero marriages, the stag invites all the male friends and family of both his side and his wives side out. And vice versa for the girls. In a homo marriage, There must be a much bigger grey line. It's not so cleanly cut. My straight friend is having the problem that she's inviting all her friends (male and female) on her night out, and her fiance is doing the same thing. They're having it ont he same night, and there are a few mutual firends that are having to decide which night to go on - and those friends are dividing themselves up by sex (men go with the groom, girls with the bride). There must have been some problems with gay stag parties. I was just wondering how it was sorted? Or was there even stag parties at all?
     
  5. Matthew

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    I think that's right. You probably won't find a clear answer to your question, because formal gay marriages are new enough that there aren't fixed traditions set.

    But that means people can create them as they go! :)
     
  6. Magicgayboy

    Magicgayboy New Member

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    Well I have some thoughts on this, albeit a bit a late.

    First off, I agree with the consensus that this is going to vary from couple to couple and it's really up to them to decide how they want to do it. However, I've been to a lesbian wedding before so I'll share that perspective, and I'll also explain how I would do it myself.

    My lesbian friends had their bacholorette party, as well as their bridal shower, in conjunction. I would also definitely want to have my "stag night" WITH my fiance

    This would definitely be up to the couple. I'd want to lead or we could take it in turn.
    At my friends' wedding they both walked up and met at the end of two separate aisles. I think this is how I'd like mine as well.
     
  7. headbang8

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    For gay men, LIFE is a stag night.
     
  8. QuiteOne

    QuiteOne New Member

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    I think the OP thinks too much. Why the obsession with rules? There is no gay rule book. You do whatever feels comfortable for you in the context of your relationship.... it's that simple.
     
  9. Bbucko

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    I think the OP presumes that marriage has its own set of uncompromising requirements and traditions. Some things that are perfectly appropriate for a young couple in their early 20s might seem unnecessary or even odd in an older couple, and I'm thinking here of mixed-sex ceremonies.

    To each his own on these things, I guess. Some would recognize the highly non-traditional aspect of a same-sex marriage and find parties, ceremonies and the like that would complement their unique pairing. Others, perhaps those who grew up expecting such traditions as a Stag Party or bridal bouquet would be unable to envisage their wedding without such accrutements and would find a way of incorporating them into their happy day.
     
  10. headbang8

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    Funny thing...

    My partner and I have been together for seven years, almost eight. We have discussed and planned the future together, but the subject of actually getting married came up only recently. We would consider it if it helped him get a visa to the EU, so we could live together again.

    Really, it would just be a legal thing. Signing the paper, a technicality.

    Then, we asked ourselves, if we were actually going to do it, why not celebrate?

    We buried the idea shortly after it arose. We're in favor of gay marriage, but against gay weddings.

    When my friends were of marrying age, they routinely asked me to be best man or goomsman. There's a certain cachet about a gay best man nowadays, I guess.

    (I was flying blind organising the stag nights, let me tell you. The kind of people you have to deal with to rent a stripper...eugh. But that's a story for another time.)

    I have to say that while many of the weddings united happy couples, few of them were anything more than a pain in the ass to the guests and participants. They're laden with such high emotional expectations--especially for the bride--that it's almost impossible for the day not to disappoint. The pressure to be perfect--the bride to look beautiful, the groom to squire her, the speeches not to bore or embarass, the guests to pick the perfect present and to behave with perfect manners. Weddings as they're practiced in 2007 are excruciating.

    Half of them, of course, were extra excruciating. Because everyone in attendance but the bride and groom could see that the marriage would end badly. At the last wedding I attended, I think the entire room wanted to leap to its feet when the celebrant asked if anyone knows a reason why this man and this woman should not be united in matrimony. When the weeding party starts laying bets on how long it will last--we did that at my brother's first wedding--it ought to raise a few alarm bells.

    Further, the rituals and symbolism of weddings are sexist tothe point of being reprehensible. Giving away the bride like a piece of property. The tossing of the bouquet to suggest that love is a matter of luck. Wearing white to announce that you're a virgin. Excruciating speeches. Pah.

    The idea behind a wedding, so the service announces, is to come together before your friends and family and declare, in public, your love for one another, and your intention to be a family.

    Frankly, my love for my partner, and his for me, is far too precious and valuable to be bandied about in front of the world. It's intimate between the two of us. Most wedding rituals, when you think about it, announce to the world what you do in bed. Public displays of affection are great, and to be encouraged. Public announcements of affection are tacky.

    If we were to have a "wedding", g.man, my partner and I would probably just throw a housewarming party some time after our civil union. No presents would be allowed--the last thing we need is more stuff. No speeches except, perhaps, a simple thank-you-for-coming.And the way we would get the two families to mix is not through a formal dance, but by simply making sure that everyone had a rollicking good time.
     
  11. MH07

    MH07 Member

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    I agree, I don't really care for any of the wedding rituals. I note that we're the same age, and maybe age has something to do with it, but I'm becoming increasingly turned off by the straight weddings I've attended. It's kind of like Christmas---the more commercialized it gets, the less I like it.

    I see no need to do all that. Now, the piece of paper has legal ramifications, so I'm all for that.

    Whatever, if you do throw the party, be sure to invite me. Maybe you've even got a nice hot German friend for me to meet? ;-)
     
  12. profit

    profit New Member

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    zamieszkaj w Polsce zobaczysz jak tu pięknie
     
  13. Principessa

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    LMAO I thought that too hahaha:biggrin1::tongue: Though I expect most gay men grow out of that at some point, assuming they were ever into it at all. . . .



    Oddly most of the gay couples I know have separate friends. They mingle together, at dinner parties, on vacations etc. but some are definetely Carlo's friends while others belong to Laszlo.
    In the situation you describe I see no reason to mix them into one big party as it gives folks a chance to get to know the other spouse and their friends.

    Frankly when I get married I plan to do away with the garter removal and bouquet toss. IMO, it's an antiquated tradition which has no place in modern society. :smile:
     
  14. simcha

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    I've been to several gay/lesbian weddings.

    My favorite was between one of my dearest friends and his partner of ten years. It was this Chicago Synagogue's first gay wedding and it was a BIG DEAL. It was rather traditional. They walked in together, stood under the chuppah, and they signed the ketubah (marriage contract), they exchanged vows, they drank wine out of the same cup, and each of them broke the traditional glass (for men) under their heels.

    The party afterword was traditional and we danced, lifting them up in chairs. They circled each other seven times (where in heterosexual weddings the woman circles the man seven times)... And we had lots of food, drink, and Israeli and American dancing. Everyone had a good time.
     
  15. Magicgayboy

    Magicgayboy New Member

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    Well said!

    Mind you, I think I still want a fancy wedding for myself some day, but a laud your outlook!

    Oh that does sound nice!

    -MGB
     
  16. invisibleman

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    Recently, I ACTUALLY caught the garter at my cousin's wedding. :rolleyes: (This was a heterosexual wedding, mind you.) Unfortunately, I didn't get to keep it. I had to slip it on the girl's leg who caught the bridal bouquet. (THAT was scandalous. My uncle almost had a heart attack. Hehehe.)

    It was all in fun. :biggrin1:
     
  17. invisibleman

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    Hello all,
    Having never been to a gay wedding, or seen gay men dancing together in a formal situation, i have a few questions about the situations that must arrise. These questions have popped up in my head a few times, and although they don't stop me from sleeping at night, i thought i might look for some answers here. Any answers will be much appreciated.

    1) When gay men get married, do they have seperate stag nights? how do they divide up their friends? Do they have them on the same night, forcing their friends to make a decision of loyalty, or do they stagger them, so that it's the same group going each night?

    2) Again, at Gay weddings (or other parties - not necisarily gay). Being Scottish ceilidh dancing is important to me. I always feel that the party after the cerimony is the REAL wedding, when the two families come together, and taking the first dance is a big deal. I always feel bad for non-Scots, because a ceilidh is such a good thing for getting everyone up dancing, and mingling. Back to my point - how do you decide who leads? I don't just mean with ceilidh's, I'm sure there must be a point where you have to dedcide who leads which ever kind of formal (or semi-formal) dancing is involved. Is it whoever usually goes 'top' that leads int he dance? Or is it decided on height? Or do you take turns? Or in the case of semi-formal-no-steps-to-follow dances, is it a constant struggle of dominace like a vertical arm wrestle (i know this can happen when dancing with my straight female friends - when will they learn to just be lead?)?

    3) Does anyone walk up the isle at a gay wedding? How do you choose who does it, and who's waiting at the top of the isle? Or if the church has more than one isle, do you both go down different isles at different times?

    I'm sure i'll come up with more questons at a later date, but if anyone can help me with these ones, that'd be great.

    Thanks

    G

    1) Bachelor party how you like. Those are actually fun.

    2) As far as the protocol of gay weddings...commitment ceremonies...
    you can do whatever you and your partner will agree upon as a format.
    You can follow traditional heterosexual wedding format or do it special and be creative. If you want a Scottish style wedding format... you and your partner agree, do it. If you want to lead in a dance, ask. :rolleyes:
     
  18. kalipygian

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    I have seen straight relatives spend $20,000. on a wedding, it would be better to use this for down payment and closing costs on a house, IMHO.
     
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