Gay Relationship

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deleted8906031

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Hey everyone. My partner and I have been in a monogamous relationship for the past few years. We are in our mid 20s and things have been going well. Recently, I have been thinking about the idea of us having a threesome with another person or having a third person (fwb type of situation) join in for strictly just sex. We have briefly talked about it jokingly, but I have been considering it more. Any words of advice (or of caution) if we were to decide on pursing this in the future? Thank you!
 
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deleted8906031

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No, we did not have three ways in our relationship and neither of us have experienced them before. We are both inexperienced when it comes to that.
 

MuscledHorse

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The biggest challenge facing gay males is this social programming about sexual monogamy, which is an extension of religious programming. When you step back and look at the Christian marriage structure, it's legitimacy is not based on Love (in spite of reading part of 1 Corinthians 13) at the ceremony. No, the Christian based marriage structure is based on jealousy of the other. That is, the entire validity of the marriage is based upon the agreement that you will never have sex with anyone else. Ever. And if you do, EVERYTHING about the relationship was false. Scientific research has found males to be naturally sexually promiscuous and that sexual monogamy is the exception, not the rule within the animal kingdom. When you can let go of the Christian-social based brainwashing about sexual monogamy being equivalent to a successful, meaningful relationship, relationships can flourish in a non-toxic environment.

First, sexual promiscuity removes the concept of "cheating"--the Jealousy of the Other aspect-- from the conversation. Cheating is part of that Christian relationship concept that has proven itself a massive failure time and again, destroying many, otherwise healthy relationships and supplying culture with half of the country music catalog, most of Taylor Swift's musical output and one VERY angry song by Alanis Morrissette. According to this logic free religion, sex is a dirty sinful act, unless it is performed under specific circumstances (i.e. in a state of holy matrimony joined by a member of church clergy), and then sex somehow magically transforms from dirty and sinful into the Ultimate Expression of True Love.

Second, without the jealousy and constant worry of "is he cheating on me with 'X'?" you can actually focus on the meaningful part of the relationship with the other person--the emotional connection, the actual Love. My own partner and I play around, sometimes together, but more often than not it's apart, and it's not an issue. It's just sex. We trade stories about our experiences and partners and enjoy hearing the the other had a good experience. While he is not nearly as sexually prolific as I am, he encourages my sexual activities and has even been the camera guy on some of my porn shoots. We both know that the other comes first in our lives and at the end of the day we still curl up together and Love each other. Too many guys confuse the dopamine induced after glow of great sexual chemistry with the basis for a relationship. And it's not.

Sex is the ultimate male Pleasure Sport, a natural animal drive that is in our DNA. Who you have sex with is not indicative of who you Love and care about. That connection is fallacious one created by the Christian church, having no basis in reality and doing massive damage to otherwise healthy relationships by establishing a marriage based on Jealousy it markets as Love. The sooner males walk away from this toxic idea, the stronger their relationships will be....providing they can let go of the socially programmed lens of Jealousy-based monogamy, through which they have been trained to see relationships. Good luck!!
 

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The biggest challenge facing gay males is this social programming about sexual monogamy, which is an extension of religious programming. When you step back and look at the Christian marriage structure, it's legitimacy is not based on Love (in spite of reading part of 1 Corinthians 13) at the ceremony. No, the Christian based marriage structure is based on jealousy of the other. That is, the entire validity of the marriage is based upon the agreement that you will never have sex with anyone else. Ever. And if you do, EVERYTHING about the relationship was false. Scientific research has found males to be naturally sexually promiscuous and that sexual monogamy is the exception, not the rule within the animal kingdom. When you can let go of the Christian-social based brainwashing about sexual monogamy being equivalent to a successful, meaningful relationship, relationships can flourish in a non-toxic environment.

First, sexual promiscuity removes the concept of "cheating"--the Jealousy of the Other aspect-- from the conversation. Cheating is part of that Christian relationship concept that has proven itself a massive failure time and again, destroying many, otherwise healthy relationships and supplying culture with half of the country music catalog, most of Taylor Swift's musical output and one VERY angry song by Alanis Morrissette. According to this logic free religion, sex is a dirty sinful act, unless it is performed under specific circumstances (i.e. in a state of holy matrimony joined by a member of church clergy), and then sex somehow magically transforms from dirty and sinful into the Ultimate Expression of True Love.

Second, without the jealousy and constant worry of "is he cheating on me with 'X'?" you can actually focus on the meaningful part of the relationship with the other person--the emotional connection, the actual Love. My own partner and I play around, sometimes together, but more often than not it's apart, and it's not an issue. It's just sex. We trade stories about our experiences and partners and enjoy hearing the the other had a good experience. While he is not nearly as sexually prolific as I am, he encourages my sexual activities and has even been the camera guy on some of my porn shoots. We both know that the other comes first in our lives and at the end of the day we still curl up together and Love each other. Too many guys confuse the dopamine induced after glow of great sexual chemistry with the basis for a relationship. And it's not.

Sex is the ultimate male Pleasure Sport, a natural animal drive that is in our DNA. Who you have sex with is not indicative of who you Love and care about. That connection is fallacious one created by the Christian church, having no basis in reality and doing massive damage to otherwise healthy relationships by establishing a marriage based on Jealousy it markets as Love. The sooner males walk away from this toxic idea, the stronger their relationships will be....providing they can let go of the socially programmed lens of Jealousy-based monogamy, through which they have been trained to see relationships. Good luck!!
A smuch as i agree with the statement that sex can just be sex and that monogamy mostly stems from religion, i think your opinion in monogamy is way to harsh.

Sure monogamy may be rare in the animal world. And sure the urge to have sex with more than person might be natural. But the promise of monogamy can also be important and supportive of a relationship.

Not condoning polygamy either, but lets just agree that both ways are equally valid options in our world of man made limits.

That being said, i think Infernal is right with his post above: communication is key. OP should try to speak about it freely with his partner and respect the wishes and limits of his partner.
 

dreambridger

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The biggest challenge facing gay males is this social programming about sexual monogamy, which is an extension of religious programming. When you step back and look at the Christian marriage structure, it's legitimacy is not based on Love (in spite of reading part of 1 Corinthians 13) at the ceremony. No, the Christian based marriage structure is based on jealousy of the other. That is, the entire validity of the marriage is based upon the agreement that you will never have sex with anyone else. Ever. And if you do, EVERYTHING about the relationship was false. Scientific research has found males to be naturally sexually promiscuous and that sexual monogamy is the exception, not the rule within the animal kingdom. When you can let go of the Christian-social based brainwashing about sexual monogamy being equivalent to a successful, meaningful relationship, relationships can flourish in a non-toxic environment.

First, sexual promiscuity removes the concept of "cheating"--the Jealousy of the Other aspect-- from the conversation. Cheating is part of that Christian relationship concept that has proven itself a massive failure time and again, destroying many, otherwise healthy relationships and supplying culture with half of the country music catalog, most of Taylor Swift's musical output and one VERY angry song by Alanis Morrissette. According to this logic free religion, sex is a dirty sinful act, unless it is performed under specific circumstances (i.e. in a state of holy matrimony joined by a member of church clergy), and then sex somehow magically transforms from dirty and sinful into the Ultimate Expression of True Love.

Second, without the jealousy and constant worry of "is he cheating on me with 'X'?" you can actually focus on the meaningful part of the relationship with the other person--the emotional connection, the actual Love. My own partner and I play around, sometimes together, but more often than not it's apart, and it's not an issue. It's just sex. We trade stories about our experiences and partners and enjoy hearing the the other had a good experience. While he is not nearly as sexually prolific as I am, he encourages my sexual activities and has even been the camera guy on some of my porn shoots. We both know that the other comes first in our lives and at the end of the day we still curl up together and Love each other. Too many guys confuse the dopamine induced after glow of great sexual chemistry with the basis for a relationship. And it's not.

Sex is the ultimate male Pleasure Sport, a natural animal drive that is in our DNA. Who you have sex with is not indicative of who you Love and care about. That connection is fallacious one created by the Christian church, having no basis in reality and doing massive damage to otherwise healthy relationships by establishing a marriage based on Jealousy it markets as Love. The sooner males walk away from this toxic idea, the stronger their relationships will be....providing they can let go of the socially programmed lens of Jealousy-based monogamy, through which they have been trained to see relationships. Good luck!!
Well, I would sincerely hope that not all instances of monogamy are based in jealousy. I certainly agree that any relationship where jealousy is a factor is doomed to toxicity. But polyamorous relationships aren't necessarily free of jealousy either.

I've never been hurt when a partner seeks sexual satisfaction outside of a relationship with me, if anything it relieves me of the burden of having to be responsible for the other person's sexual needs. That being said, if my sex drive is a perfect match for my partner's, monogamy could be fun and I'm open-minded to it, but not out of compulsory moralism. I don't think that religious programming is the only reason that someone would choose monogamy. Honestly it sounds kind of nice sometimes, less complicated, but it also seems unrealistic to me in a way.

I have definitely been with jealous people. Hell, I was in a relationship with a guy who was so jealous that he didn't even want me hanging out with my friends because, in his words, they made me "laugh too hard". But I don't think he was jealous because of religious programming, I think he was just an asshole. The fact that he shares the trait of jealousy with Jehovah is probably just coincidental. I mean, I do agree that the old testament Jehovah is the very archetype of the psychopathic jealous lover or father, but I suspect that this may have been a problem in humanity before the myths of Jehovah's hijinx crystallized the problem in biblical text. Religious programming is a problem but I think the force that designed that program predates that program. There are atheists that still want to control others. I mean, just looking at what's going on the world right now; atheists are behaving like evangelicals, replacing the term "priest" with "expert" while questioning nothing that's prescribed to them, and avidly trying to get others in the world to think exactly like them, and attempting to control their personal medical choices and their social behavior, just like a jealous lover.
 
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MuscledHorse

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A smuch as i agree with the statement that sex can just be sex and that monogamy mostly stems from religion, i think your opinion in monogamy is way to harsh.

Sure monogamy may be rare in the animal world. And sure the urge to have sex with more than person might be natural. But the promise of monogamy can also be important and supportive of a relationship.

Not condoning polygamy either, but lets just agree that both ways are equally valid options in our world of man made limits.

That being said, i think Infernal is right with his post above: communication is key. OP should try to speak about it freely with his partner and respect the wishes and limits of his partner.
Fair point. I should have included the statement in my original response that there is nothing wrong with sexual monogamy if it makes both partners happy. I didn't mean to imply everyone HAS to be sexually promiscuous. My intent was to point out the long-standing damage religion has done by treating sex (under specifically defined conditions) as synonymous with Love and the unnecessary ruin the subsequent concept of "cheating" has had on otherwise healthy relationships.
 

Brodie888

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As others have stated, it comes down to communication. I have been in relationships where my partner enjoyed watching me being fucked by multiple guys in front him as well as partners who didn't even want to have monogamous sex in public.

Main thing is that you both need to be wanting it and you both need to be able to accept if someone changes their mind at some point. If someone is just doing it to please the other, it will probably lead to resentment. At the same time if it's something one really wants and is being denied, it will also lead to resentment. So like anything it's a bit of give and take to find a happy medium.

Both need to be very confident about the relationship. Bringing in others can expose weaknesses and temptation. If you are not sure, I would say don't do it until you are clear on where things stand.
 

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I’m quite torn on this topic, for two reasons.

I was in a relationship with a guy in my early twenties. He kept asking for a threesome with a guy from his college. I said no, every time. He’d often talk about him during sex and ask if I thought he was “hot” or said “I’d love to watch him fuck you” etc.

Anyway; one day, I was informed by a friend that he’d had sex with him behind my back and when I confronted him of course he denied it.
I asked the other guy outright and he admitted that they did, so that was it for me. Never bothered with either of them again.
Fast forward 2 days and they’re in a relationship?? Lol.
Despite appearing heartbroken that I’d ended it and (still to this day) denied anything ever happened before we split, he clearly liked him enough to cheat on me and then “get with” him. He often asks me to meet him, still now and says things like “I know I hurt you”... (I’m 30 this year).

So I’d be mindful if it’s a particular person, just be honest if there’s any other feelings so that no one gets hurt.

My second example, I had a friend who was desperate to try a threesome with his boyfriend; and they did. It was a one time thing, but it ruined their whole relationship (I’m talking 8 years long) they tried to “spice things up” but one had really bad anxiety after it and went really paranoid and it broke him. He warned me never to try it.

I know that both of my examples are negative ones and I’m sure there are millions of positive examples you can look at- just be careful.
Yours and your partner’s relationship is the main priority
 
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deleted8906031

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I’m quite torn on this topic, for two reasons.

I was in a relationship with a guy in my early twenties. He kept asking for a threesome with a guy from his college. I said no, every time. He’d often talk about him during sex and ask if I thought he was “hot” or said “I’d love to watch him fuck you” etc.

Anyway; one day, I was informed by a friend that he’d had sex with him behind my back and when I confronted him of course he denied it.
I asked the other guy outright and he admitted that they did, so that was it for me. Never bothered with either of them again.
Fast forward 2 days and they’re in a relationship?? Lol.
Despite appearing heartbroken that I’d ended it and (still to this day) denied anything ever happened before we split, he clearly liked him enough to cheat on me and then “get with” him. He often asks me to meet him, still now and says things like “I know I hurt you”... (I’m 30 this year).

So I’d be mindful if it’s a particular person, just be honest if there’s any other feelings so that no one gets hurt.

My second example, I had a friend who was desperate to try a threesome with his boyfriend; and they did. It was a one time thing, but it ruined their whole relationship (I’m talking 8 years long) they tried to “spice things up” but one had really bad anxiety after it and went really paranoid and it broke him. He warned me never to try it.

I know that both of my examples are negative ones and I’m sure there are millions of positive examples you can look at- just be careful.
Yours and your partner’s relationship is the main priority
Thank you for sharing your story :heart:
 
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Tx210guy

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Don’t do it. If an open relationship is what you are wanting then break up and explore all you want. From experiences that friends have had it has either ruined their relationship and also ruined the trust they once had. I agree communication is key if you try it but there is no way of knowing what feelings may come about till it actually happens. Would hate for your relationship to end over some fantasy either of you wanted to fulfill or cross off your list.
I have a friend who is married and they have an open relationship, but that’s only because of the spouse insisting that’s the only relation he can be in and not hurt the other person. My friend is miserable in it but that’s because he whole heartily love the guy. He says he feeels trapped all the time but that for him to deal with and decide what he is willing to and not willing to put up with for the rest of his life.
Versace … think about that relationship.
 
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deleted15455021

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The biggest challenge facing gay males is this social programming about sexual monogamy, which is an extension of religious programming. When you step back and look at the Christian marriage structure, it's legitimacy is not based on Love (in spite of reading part of 1 Corinthians 13) at the ceremony. No, the Christian based marriage structure is based on jealousy of the other. That is, the entire validity of the marriage is based upon the agreement that you will never have sex with anyone else. Ever. And if you do, EVERYTHING about the relationship was false. Scientific research has found males to be naturally sexually promiscuous and that sexual monogamy is the exception, not the rule within the animal kingdom. When you can let go of the Christian-social based brainwashing about sexual monogamy being equivalent to a successful, meaningful relationship, relationships can flourish in a non-toxic environment.

First, sexual promiscuity removes the concept of "cheating"--the Jealousy of the Other aspect-- from the conversation. Cheating is part of that Christian relationship concept that has proven itself a massive failure time and again, destroying many, otherwise healthy relationships and supplying culture with half of the country music catalog, most of Taylor Swift's musical output and one VERY angry song by Alanis Morrissette. According to this logic free religion, sex is a dirty sinful act, unless it is performed under specific circumstances (i.e. in a state of holy matrimony joined by a member of church clergy), and then sex somehow magically transforms from dirty and sinful into the Ultimate Expression of True Love.

Second, without the jealousy and constant worry of "is he cheating on me with 'X'?" you can actually focus on the meaningful part of the relationship with the other person--the emotional connection, the actual Love. My own partner and I play around, sometimes together, but more often than not it's apart, and it's not an issue. It's just sex. We trade stories about our experiences and partners and enjoy hearing the the other had a good experience. While he is not nearly as sexually prolific as I am, he encourages my sexual activities and has even been the camera guy on some of my porn shoots. We both know that the other comes first in our lives and at the end of the day we still curl up together and Love each other. Too many guys confuse the dopamine induced after glow of great sexual chemistry with the basis for a relationship. And it's not.

Sex is the ultimate male Pleasure Sport, a natural animal drive that is in our DNA. Who you have sex with is not indicative of who you Love and care about. That connection is fallacious one created by the Christian church, having no basis in reality and doing massive damage to otherwise healthy relationships by establishing a marriage based on Jealousy it markets as Love. The sooner males walk away from this toxic idea, the stronger their relationships will be....providing they can let go of the socially programmed lens of Jealousy-based monogamy, through which they have been trained to see relationships. Good luck!!
OMG YES!!!!! This part specifically struck a chord with me: "..without the jealousy and constant worry of "is he cheating on me with 'X'?" you can actually focus on the meaningful part of the relationship with the other person--the emotional connection, the actual Love."

Why does the "monogamy" side of the aisle automatically get to be the "winner"?! Especially when half of the population admits to cheating. It seems to me, a lot of people want it, but feel they're not allowed to. And then there is an extensions to what you said above, where it is as if the basis of monogamy is "OWNERSHIP" of the other person.

I don't want to lose my relationship, but my spouse and I get into quite turbulent and emotional arguments that last for hours and days and weeks about THIS topic. Admittedly, we have 100 problems. This being one of them. To me, the other 99 are WAYYYYYYYYYY more important than this topic. So much of our "good life" is being wasted on this topic.

Again, I ask, why does the monogamy tribe get to be the automatic winner? I'm valid and important too. My feelings matter too. One side is NOT more important than the other. I truly need help figuring out what to do next... I can't seem to pull the trigger on divorce, because I truly do not want that. But we literally do not have peace (one of the 100 problems).

A recurring thought that continues to plague me about my marriage is, do I stay out of selfishness, because I do not want to have to implode my life? How do I leave without it being a dramatic whirlwind battle? I want to be able to let him go in PEACE and LOVE. And make that the focus...